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[~Erica~]

Hey guys,

Its been a while since i posted. Latly i've been finding it harder and harder to talk to Adrianna about things. She's not one who gives me her full undivided attention or who actually holds a conversation with me and its very frustrating. She HAS to be doing something like playing a video game or playing on the computer or even just playing with the remote when I talk "serious" to her. And the most infuriating part is she never has anything to say back. I can talk my face off and I get nothing. Then she'll just randomly change the subject to something about video games.

Latly i've been finding the male her (since the majority of the time she's dressed male because she's lazy) unatractive. This scares me a bit but in a way is comforting (hence me being confused) I'm pushing her away alot when it comes to sex making some crappy excuse why i dont want to do it when really ...i'm not attracted to to male side...and even wierder i LOVE er..sex when she's dressed. (sorry if this is T.M.I but i gotta get it out haha)

The other strange part is my emotions. I still feel LOVE with the "Nick" side. but I feel like.. a deeper almost soul mate connection with Adrianna (when she chooses to act as such) In a way i feel almost like i'm cheating on "Nick" because i'm fantizing about Adrianna. and because i prefer to be in her company rather then the horny lazy uncaring nick. I guess i'm making her seem like two diffrent people and she really is. Theres Nick and theres Adrianna right now. I keep wondering if she's really afraid to go full time because there are days when she is holy male. Then there are more days when she's all woman. Its so confusing. I just want to be able to greive for the one i'm losing but i cant greive or let go of something if it keeps staring me in the face.

I also can't do everything for her. Its like she needs my promting to do anything. I was on her to fill out the form for counsilling online. I have to bug her to dress female. I thought this was what she wanted now it seems more what i want then what she wants. I almost want to say if you can't make a dission then put this on the back burner get off your ass get a job and let me go to school. Once i'm done and we are making good money then transition. But can i really go back to the way things were having these feelings about the Adrianna side. Becoming unatracted to Nick...GOD i'm so confused!!!

Advise? help? Rum? hah god my head hurts.

[finewine]

Erica,  I'm sorry for the position you find yourself in.  However, I have to ask if you really want us to respond on this

For one thing, Adrianna is also a member here so she can read this for yourself - are you subconsciously writing to her, via the forum, in the hope that it's a channel you can communicate through?

Secondly, there's always the possibility that we may not say what you or Adrianna like to hear, which risks a rather negative emotional reaction just for starters.

[Windrider]

I don't mean to sound well...mean, but to me it sounds like you're pushing the transition stuff a lot, i.e. bugging Adrianna about dressing, counseling, etc. Some people don't like to be pressured about stuff and can subconsciously or actively "push back", which is what it sounds like when Adrianna semi-ignores you by playing games, etc when you want to talk to her. I know I've done this when pressured about subjects I didn't want to discuss or didn't feel comfortable discussing. (I could be wrong here, so please feel free to correct me. I don't want to accidentally put words in other people's mouths.)

I also don't quite get the "sides". How is Adrianna much different than "Nick"? They're the same person and HRT and transition really shouldn't change their personality much, if at all. They're still going to like the same things, have the same opinions, etc. They may be a little more relaxed and happy, but that's about it (or so everyone tells me. I'll know better next month But as an example, Dani *hates* shopping. HRT is *not* going to change that. She also likes computers/techie stuff and old farm equipment. HRT isn't going to change that either.

As for "dressing female", how much different from "dressing male" is it really? *looks at herself and Dani right now* I'm dressed as "female" and Dani is dressed as "male". We're currently wearing nearly the same thing - jeans and t-shirts. Mine doesn't look like the typical t-shirt, but that's what it is. And really, go people watching at the mall - how are women dressed? Mostly in jeans and t-shirts, with the occasional skirt thrown in. Very few are wearing any kind of heels, most are wearing flats/flip flops/sneakers.

Personally I'd suggest less pressuring and if you're not talking to a therapist, I'd suggest you do as well. You both might benefit from some couple's therapy also. It's not impossible to transition in a relationship, but there's a lot of give and take on both sides that must happen (as with anything in a relationship.) Communication is key to this and it's work. Dani and I have had to repair our communication channels. We're much better now than a year ago, but we've also realized that communication is an ongoing process. We keep learning how to communicate better every day.

I hope this helps some. I can't comment on the physical attraction issues, sorry!

WR

[Adrianna]

Let me try to clear a few things up about her "sides" theory.  First off as you all must know by now, she has MPD.  As you may or may not know, human's are pattern seeking animal's.  As such it is my belief that her feeling of "sides" it at part of fault of her MPD as she attempts to personalize myself as two seperate entities to make her self (at least subconciously) feel better.  I'm not saying she's wrong for doing this, or I made or anything... she may even be right, just this is why I believe she does this.

She seems to equate whenever I'm feeling angry, lazy, horny, or aggresive in anyway as "Nick".  Where as when I'm calm, cuddly, fun-loving, excited, or just plain happy as "Adrianna".  This is most likely also impart to the fact that I seem to be "happiest ever" when dressed up.

I think Finewine is right and she only posted here to get my attention since I tend to ignore her when she tries to "talk" to me.  The only reason for that being is, she never seems to be able to get out what she is trying to say.  She beats a wide path around the bush, then ends up telling me off for something, makes it seem like everything is my fault, and never actually gets to the point.  It's bloody annoying but I can't really blame her.  I find it easier to type as well when I know that I won't meet immediate retribution.  She's afraid to talk to me straight, because she's afraid I'll get mad and yell at her.  I only do that when she doesn't talk to me straight though, it's quite confusing.

I wanted to take this point to say, as I should have before I started this post, if anyone doesn't like the fact Erica and I are using this is a medium to talk to each other, then don't read the damn thread.  There's a back button on your browser for a reason.  However if someone is interested, and has something constructive to say (Positive or Negative) then feel free to post.

I wonder if she remembers the last time I was "dressed up".  She ended that night by yelling at me and saying I'm making her give up so much (which is bull because I would never force anything on her) and everything that  is wrong is all my fault.  Then she wonders why I'm hesitant to dress again? Furthermore I just wish she would make up her mind.  Sometimes it seems she's attracted to "male" me more than anything, yet others she supposedly wants me as I am inside.  The only one I truly know what she wants is Savannah and that;s just sad.

[tekla]

I wanted to take this point to say, as I should have before I started this post, if anyone doesn't like the fact Erica and I are using this is a medium to talk to each other, then don't read the damn thread.  There's a back button on your browser for a reason.  However if someone is interested, and has something constructive to say (Positive or Negative) then feel free to post.

I just worry when intimate relationships have to resort to this kind of medium to communicate then the intimacy is already gone.  I'm also sure that the level of stress in both the relationship as well as your personal life have a lot to do with your comfort level in pursuing your transition.

[Windrider]

Let me try to clear a few things up about her "sides" theory.  First off as you all must know by now, she has MPD.  As you may or may not know, human's are pattern seeking animal's.  As such it is my belief that her feeling of "sides" it at part of fault of her MPD as she attempts to personalize myself as two seperate entities to make her self (at least subconciously) feel better.  I'm not saying she's wrong for doing this, or I made or anything... she may even be right, just this is why I believe she does this.

Fair enough. However, I've also seen the "sides" analogy is also used by unsupportive spouses and that HRT will somehow make the transperson's entire personality change. I'm not immune to it either, there's a lot of misinformation out there. It's taken me a while of being reassured not only by Dani, but also by our therapist that the personality changes are not going to be drastic.

I think Finewine is right and she only posted here to get my attention since I tend to ignore her when she tries to "talk" to me.  The only reason for that being is, she never seems to be able to get out what she is trying to say.  She beats a wide path around the bush, then ends up telling me off for something, makes it seem like everything is my fault, and never actually gets to the point.  It's bloody annoying but I can't really blame her.  I find it easier to type as well when I know that I won't meet immediate retribution.  She's afraid to talk to me straight, because she's afraid I'll get mad and yell at her.  I only do that when she doesn't talk to me straight though, it's quite confusing.

Hence why I suggested some couple's therapy. You all need to learn how to talk to each other and that includes how to fight constructively, i.e no name calling, throwing things, etc. Relationships are work, and the work has to be done by both (or in this case *all* parties). If you're not willing to put the work into the relationship, it's not going to succeed. Dani's and my marriage was dying a slow death because we forgot how to communicate as the years went on and as Dani's suppressing herself took more and more of her energy. We have a far better relationship now than we had in the previous 8-9 years, but we both made a firm commitment that we were going to try everything we possibly could to keep our relationship.

I wanted to take this point to say, as I should have before I started this post, if anyone doesn't like the fact Erica and I are using this is a medium to talk to each other, then don't read the damn thread.  There's a back button on your browser for a reason.  However if someone is interested, and has something constructive to say (Positive or Negative) then feel free to post.

I think I agree with tekla here. JMHO. Oh, and if you're going to post in a public forum, then be prepared for all sorts of answers. That's the price of "public".

WR

[Nicky]

Well, sounds like you are both not good at communicating with each other - both of you are waiting for the other to change, getting frustrated and angry when you probably need to look at what you are doing yourselves.

Erica needs to stop beating around the bush and Adrianna needs to actively listen. So much easier if you actually discussed what you have said here in person e.g. "The reason I am hesitant to dress as myself is because last time you yelled at me...", "I would like you to dress as yourself more because I find you more attractive that way" Make a pact not to get angry and yell at each other until you talk it out. Intimacy will fall out of it.

It sounds like you need some agreements to deal with the multiple personalities. For example, if one of the personalities is upset that adrianna is dressed up then they could go away and have some self time, or they can just ask if adrianna could not dress so fem that night, or give them that night and ask tommorrow they don't dress so fem, or you make a deal that next saturday is a non-fem night etc..I don't know, whatever will work for you. There has to be some compromises made and honest communication and negotiation - some give and take. You need to make it ok to discuss these things without getting offended or upset. There needs to be a realisation that Adrianna/nick are all part of the same package just as Erica is a package too. It is ok to admit this is confusing, there is no easy path here - just keep working at it.

I really think this would be a good time for some make-up sex...get naked and get your freak on.

[~Erica~]

Hey all,

I didnt really PLAN to have this be the medum where Adrianna and I talk. I figured if she ever saw it, it might spark a  *gasp* real conversation. I can see now that it sort of worked. I guess something everyone should know that may clear things up a bit is that Adrianna and I met online.
We had a long distance relationship for a year or so before moving in together. We are so used to be able to talk through the computer. It gives us time to think. If thats disfuntional than its just the way we are i guess. Adrianna now knows that i dont like everything i do blamed on my MPD. ITs a part of me it saved my life but its not the reason for everything i do. Deep down all of these fragments of me are ME. So yea...anywho

I really do like imput about my issues from experianced people. We dont have a lot of friends and I have none where i'm living that i can talk to. I find susans to be such a great place the only place i know to go when i have issues with whats going on or when i want to just laugh.

[Heart]

Let me try to clear a few things up about her "sides" theory.  First off as you all must know by now, she has MPD.  As you may or may not know, human's are pattern seeking animal's.  As such it is my belief that her feeling of "sides" it at part of fault of her MPD as she attempts to personalize myself as two seperate entities to make her self (at least subconciously) feel better.  I'm not saying she's wrong for doing this, or I made or anything... she may even be right, just this is why I believe she does this.

You seem to be obsessed, sorry with MPD I assume you are talking about multi personality disorder? cause come one lets say it out loud it's not a swear word. Something that can only be diagnosed by only a specialist in the medical practice? Yes. I don't think it's a good idea to start surgesting other people have it when you don't know them IRL even if you were or are a doctor. Also genrally if you have it the whole point is you don't know you have it. And other people wouldn't just pick it up. Multipersonality refers to alot of different traits about a person (as a genralisation obviousely depends how server you have it) ext if we were going to pretend to be doctors and diagnose people then technically a split personality would be more likly schizophonia? *rolls eyes* But I don't see any reason to be hyper sensitive on medical issues on this forum I think people have enough problems.

Sorry to sound harsh but I had to live with an abusive mother who told me I had schitzophian every day for four years and tried to get me on prozac. She went through all my personal stuff and my computer and acted like she hadn't simply just to screw with my head. When I went to the doctors it turned out the issue's were actually with my mother and not me. Saying someone has a mental illness can be very damaging to a person especially when you don't know them IRL. Please don't do it.
----------------------------------------------

~Erica~

Sorry I got personal there but the MPD term shouldn't be thrown around lightly. I beleive with partners it's different. My girl is the same. She has no medical illness's as also this would DELAY her treatment. But I think alot of people going through a transition seem to go through two stages. Two different people as you will but it all makes sense. Because I guess when there guys there not so happy maybe don't care as much. When my girl was at that stage before she told me about everything. She would lock herself in her room play video games mindlessly, for hours. It hurt it fustrated me. She wouldn't talk to me and I hated it all I knew is she had a very deep hate for herself.

When she turned into who she is now all the things I loved about her grew I could see more of her. We share nearly everything. We talk about nearly everything and she is always always smiling. It makes logical sense there's no diagnostic involved. She is herself and we are all happier when we can be that way.

Sounds like your girl is a bit stuck inbetween my other half was like that for a while. Don't worry to much I see it as a stage they go through. And how long she goes through it no one knows I think it's different for everyone. I helped her along a bit because we're trying to get the doctors to accept her. We got rid of all her normal guy t-shirt and replaced them with girl shirts. We did it when she was ready and I surgested that I liked them better. Since then she has taken steps like buying make up ext... stuff I surgested but she has only recently started doing. I think they need time to find themsleves.

Sorry I hope that helped Erica and also sorry everyone for the rant I feel very sensitive about that issue.   

[finewine]

Saying someone has a mental illness can be very damaging to a person especially when you don't know them IRL. Please don't do it.

Adrianna is Erica's partner IRL.

[Heart]

Adrianna is Erica's partner IRL.

Thats confusing so why we're they talking about themselves in third person? The way they wrote made no sense what so ever. Sounded like an outsider's view.

Sorry but whenever she is typing on the forums she confuses the hell out of me. If she wants to says she has MPD whatever.

I just thought she was saying someone else might be. If you look at the way it's type and the fact a few names we're mentioned it's actually very confusing, 

[~Erica~]

To be honest Heart I think your the one confused. If you take a look at my avatar picture thats me and Adrianna. We are married and have been so for 3 years now. We live together. I was diagnosed with Multiple personalities when i was in my teens..for a while it seemed i was doing okay. Then i moved out and away from my comfort zone of my grandparents and i switched a lot more. and yes i know i have it. Everyones mind is different.

I am not sure if its me or Adrianna that are confusing whenever we type. I know that I can't spell worth a damn so i figured out-right it was me. When adrianna read this she figured it was her. So i know she'll be responding to help clear up things.

I understand that you dont like things like MPD or any mental illness tossed around like its an excuse. I hope you can understand that no one likes to be called a lier. I  dont like the fact that i have this. Sure i'm grateful that it saved my life and my sanity when i was a child but now i'd like to move on and i'm slowly trying.

What we were trying to say is that places like Susan's and even MSN messenger give someone like me time to think about what i'm writing. To re-read. It also gives me a place to come back to and read what another personality has posted. I have nothing but Adrianna's word when things happen and i'm not around to see it. I missed my own wedding day if you can believe it.  Thank god for cam corder's and pictures and family who doesn't stop talking about fun stuff like that.

So anyway I hope that clears things up if it makes it more confusing i'm sure Adriannas post will make more sense. She's the smart one in the marriage

[Adrianna]

I actually don't understand what's confusing, other than Erica's poor grammar and spelling mistakes.  Though after re-reading I seem to have made a few bad grammar mistakes as well.

I talk about Erica in the third person because I wasn't talking TO her.  I was just talking out to the open, and anyone who wanted to read.  It's much easier to analyze a situation when you think of it from an outside point of view.  That's all.

[Heart]

I actually don't understand what's confusing, other than Erica's poor grammar and spelling mistakes.  Though after re-reading I seem to have made a few bad grammar mistakes as well.

I talk about Erica in the third person because I wasn't talking TO her.  I was just talking out to the open, and anyone who wanted to read.  It's much easier to analyze a situation when you think of it from an outside point of view.  That's all.

It was very confusing actaully to speak about someone in third person when they are right there. Also the grammer ext.


Also I don't see why Multi Personality Disorder was even bought up loads of people who do not have it feel just as erica feel's so I don't understand what it has to do with anything really. You know, I have two major illness's that could possibly effect my relationship but I don't bring them up.

Especailly when in this case everything seems as normal as normal can get in a TG relationship.

[Adrianna]

Once again, I was talking about her in third person because I was talking ABOUT her, not to her.  Her MPD was brought up because to me it seemed that she was trying to divide me into two different personalties (A male one and a female one).  To me that seemed like she was trying to relate what I feel to her condition.  Which of course there is nothing wrong with that, however it is not the case.  I am me, I am female, my body isn't.  As such when refering to ME, it should be noted that I am one person not two.

[Heart]

Once again, I was talking about her in third person because I was talking ABOUT her, not to her.  Her MPD was brought up because to me it seemed that she was trying to divide me into two different personalties (A male one and a female one).  To me that seemed like she was trying to relate what I feel to her condition.  Which of course there is nothing wrong with that, however it is not the case.  I am me, I am female, my body isn't.  As such when refering to ME, it should be noted that I am one person not two.

Yes I know that now lol but can't you still see how it was confusing? I thought it would have made more sense to talk to her but each to there own I surpose.

Again although you may think multi personality disorder effects her and makes her see you as two people. I don't see it like that... Infact I don't think that conclusion makes any sense. I see my partner as two people or did for a while and I struggled with that yet I don't have "MPD"  So like I said I don't even know why it was bought up. But there we go. Thats just from a non MPD persons point of view who has already been through this with her girlfriend.

Also I know loads of people going through the same thing as Erica and struggeling with it. And yet none of them have MPD. I don't think it's hard for her because she has MPD I think it's a hard thing for anyone to go through in genral! 

So you know there's my spin on things. Obviously having a condition makes it harder but is not always the main cause of distress... I should know I have two phyicals.

(You seem to be very deffencive I'm just having my opinion, and I never gendered you so please stop making it look like I did. I think it's pretty obviouse your a girl from your name  )

And although you are not two people it is understandable another person might still see you that way. ya know? I think of it as having an old life and a new life, new life being the female life. I'll stop before I tread on someones toes. But ya know... I remember my girls old life and who she used to be, how she wasn't a she. And I embrace her new life "living in the now" so to speak. I treat her yes like she has always been a girl. But I still remember. I still know about her old life.
And that is perfectly normal and should be accepted in the TG community, as patners we have to go through all of this with our partners.

Infact though I hate to admit it once my girl has had surgery only then will I think I will abandon her old life (though am showing signs of putting the female pieces into place now so to speak in our past.) But it's still hard I was still with that person two years before they came out to me. I don't want to forget a whole two years of loving my girl. And even if I think of what she used to be and what she is now what does it matter I loved both parts of her, the one that suffered and the one that is happier now. The point is I love that person female, or male. Doesn't matter she could have no gender and by that I mean litrally nothing. I don't care I'd still love her.

So yeah from a SO point of view you may not like it but it sometimes is the way we see things. And by that I only mean some I am not talking for ALL. Obviously I see her as female... But I don't tend to gender anyone as I have a androny life style... I see people as, well people. I see people for who they are rather then what they are.

[SarahFaceDoom]

Wait, so Adrianna and Erica are the same person, but diffrent personalities?

I'm so confused.

That has to be kind of rare.  GID and DID.

[Autumn]

Well, at least Heart has brought Erica and Adrianna together on the viewpoint of "How the hell did you get so confused?"

[Heart]

Well, at least Heart has brought Erica and Adrianna together on the viewpoint of "How the hell did you get so confused?"

Yush exactly dosen't look like I was the only one confused *looks at post above yours* It was all worded in a confusing way o.o

[~Erica~]

*sigh* for the LAST time. *points to avatar picture* That is me with the flag (Erica) and Adrianna with the cool hair. Adrianna is a living breathing person. As am I. Two seperate people. One of them (me) has MPD.

I'm sorry that this is confusing but we really are two diffrernt people not diffrent personalities. As far as i know you can't marry a personality.