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[Robin.]

Hello my name is Robin I'm 22 I'm physically male and my day has been crazy.
I just told my psycologist today that I want to be a woman, I still feel wierd just saying it in text.
I think I've known this since I was maybe 8 but there was alot I didn't know then and for the past 14 years I've hidden it, doing some occasional research on the subject. I've almost told my parents before, but I guess i've always been unsure wether I could do what it would take, or I have felt that what is possible wouldn't be satisfactory. But I have finally come to the conclusion that I'm tired of wasting my life away day dreaming about what I could be, while just letting the rest of my life fall apart, school, work, relationships, everything. I don't care anymore what people might think. I'm tired of living a life that I feel is meaningless, with no urge to live. I'm tired of imagining a gun pointed at my head. I feel like I've only been staying alive because I don't know what death would mean. I want to be able to move as I feel with my body not as I should. And I want to feel comfortable doing it. I want to enjoy beeing me. I want to love myself. I want to feel comfortable loving someone else and feel comfortable expressing that love as me, as me not....  I don't know, I don't know alot of things, I need help.

[Janet Lynn]

Hi Robin,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3600 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
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You are at least taken the first step with a therapist.  And help is here just about everywhere.

Blessed Be.
Janet

[CindyJames]

Hi Robin,

Welcome to Susan's. I think many of us have had the same feelings. It sometimes takes ages to get our heads around that there is nothing wrong with us except we have the wrong sex to match our gender. But there are many positives, you have talked to a psychologist, and you have very suddenly become part of a group of people who completely understand, and accept your 'problems'. Guess what? You are no longer alone.

I'm not sure where you are but I'm in Australia, I know Janet is an all American girl (hi honey 2 days and counting ). So you are part of a world wife family. So welcome

Cindy

[Jay]

Hey Robin welcome to Susans!

Jay

[Becca]

Hey you, welcome! Try saying it to yourself in the mirror for a while, because if you don't believe it nobody else will either. Look yourself in the eye and don't say "I want" say "I am" and pay attention because it's an important difference.

Good job with the therapist, what did they say?
Welcome again, I look forward to getting to know you 

~becca

[jesse]

wlcome hun this is a long journey your imbarking on i hope you find what you need there are lots of good people here
jessica

[Robin.]

Thanx everybody 
I should be asleep right now, its about 3:00am, but I can't. The day has been like an emotional rollercoaster, I think my eyes are sore from crying... But I don't know in a way I think despite all the tears and aqwardness I'm happier than I've been in a long long time. The therapist was great, I'm a little unsure as to how much he knows about the whole thing but he seemed to know alot, he even mentioned that he had another patient that had transitioned. I guess I kinda want my therapist to just tell me what I'm supposed to do next... but I guess its not quite that simple...

[jesse]

well he will continue talking with about your feelings and when he is reasonable assured you are trans he will give you a letter for HRT this is not to be taken lightly the changes to your body can be profound and some are permanent. After that you can go to General pracitioner to get the scripts and neccesary blood work done besure to discuss with the therapist and gp all the ramifications of hrt prior to initiating it. in the meantime i would think about how you are going to tell the important people in your life w/o you can hide the effects of hrt for a while but not indefinately i would also start looking into laser or electrlysis to remove body hair as this can take a while to complete and is a cost issue.
jessica
Post Merge: November 05, 2009, 04:31:02 amremember you have your entire life to work on this go as slow as you need to
hugs
jessica

[Robin.]

One of the biggest things I'm worried about right now is what I'm going to do for a job. I'm working on my b.a. In mathimatics right now and I've got a good paying job working in missle defense. But I don't think there is anyway I could continue working at this job considering that every one there is an ultra right wing conservative fundamentalist. Exept my boss who is Actualy a relative which actually just makes it worse because I wouldn't want to put him in a wired position. Not to mention I'm in Alabama one of the most fundamentalist states. hopefully the experience I have will help me get a similar job in the future after transition but for now maybe I can get a job working at a gay bar, but maybe that's gooring for to much.
Post Merge: November 05, 2009, 10:59:13 amI mean hoping for to much not goring. I can't seem to edit messages from my blackberry.

[Becca]

Lol, I log in from an itouch sometimes and I know what you mean. it's better to use your puter for the longer posts 

[Robin.]

God! I feel like my mind has been an epiphany factory today. There are so many things that I have questions about and just parts of my life that I'm beginning to understand better or more surely. Like I was thinking about how my whole life I have been considered "reserved" or ppl have commented on how quite I am but realy I think that for the most part ice just been uncomfortable sharing what I really think because it didn't fit with what ppl would expect of me. But then I have always been kinda shy. I'm just glad I'm not the only one and I'm beggunning to appreciate the era I was born into.
Post Merge: November 06, 2009, 04:19:15 pmI just wan't to say one more thing about myself. I am, like partially dislexic or something, borderline maybe. And so I leave out things sometimes or spell wrong, backwards even, and order things oddly sometimes. And even if I go back over what I write sometimes I just miss stuff, but i tend to be good at catching my mistakes. Just giving you a heads up though, and a pre-mistake "sorry" for any un-understandable writing.

[chris_gqueering]

Like I was thinking about how my whole life I have been considered "reserved" or ppl have commented on how quite I am but realy I think that for the most part ice just been uncomfortable sharing what I really think because it didn't fit with what ppl would expect of me. Post Merge: November 06, 2009, 04:19:15 pm

I can relate to that. Thanks for sharing your experience of seeing a therapist. I'm very close to making my first appointment with a gender counsellor, so it's helpful to hear what others are going through.

[Robin.]

Like I was thinking about how my whole life I have been considered "reserved" or ppl have commented on how quite I am but realy I think that for the most part ice just been uncomfortable sharing what I really think because it didn't fit with what ppl would expect of me. Post Merge: November 06, 2009, 04:19:15 pm

I can relate to that. Thanks for sharing your experience of seeing a therapist. I'm very close to making my first appointment with a gender counsellor, so it's helpful to hear what others are going through.

No problem.
If it helps it actually goes a little deeper than that. For one, due to the fact that I have been "hiding" I havn't entertained many of my actual interests, not to mention even some of my none "gender specific" interests simply out of depression. And thus I had few experiencess or things to share in a conversation because what I was doing was little more than playing a video game to distract my mind, daydreaming to satisfy it, or sleeping to forget. And of course talking about my job would just be boring, and what goes on at colledge would be a short, "its goin good" because I was basiclly "in and out": take notes, keep to myself, and escape as soon as possible... While there may have been some stuff worth discussing it was rare. The only thing I could do was logically debate, or philosophize, but in most social situations that level of discussion isn't achieved. And then even if it did I would sometimes feel odd suddenly breaking silence, as it would invariably draw more attention...but I got use to that at least. But I'm tired of letting my life pass me by, I'm ready to make a change (pun intended ) so I can enjoy life enough to feel at ease doing even the simplist things like brushing my teeth, instead of letting everything fall apart around me.

And it has been amazing, now that I have something to look forward to and can already feel a little more comfortable being myself I find my self remarkably more active, I'm writing poetry again, I'm playing music, Im even doing simple things I used to forget (because I was daydreaming all the time) or things that I would simply not care about, like picking up bits of trash hear and there, instead of just letting it accumulate untill it was unbearable.

Sorry if I blabed, it just feels good talking about it. 

[LordKAT]

Robin,

The being a quiet mouse, hiding in video games and sleeping to not have to think about it sounds like my story to a T. So does the finding music again after deciding that I can really do something about feeling all wrong and doing it. It is kind of like I'm finally really alive instead of just existing.  Nice to know someone shares that experience.

[Robin.]

Robin,

Nice to know someone shares that experience.

ditto, thanks.