I'm going to ask for everyone's opinion on whether or not you think (yes, your personal opinion) I should start taking steps towards being a transgender, or if I'm just... weird. Let me explain; I'll try to make it brief but I can't keep myself from writing walls of text, so I hope you like reading
First, a little background. I'm 31 years old, male, I'm married and I have a child (a beautiful little girl, 21 months old). I'm what most people refer to as a Nerd: my work and personal life is spent a lot on the computer, I play video games and I can program in multiple languages... I'm "white and nerdy" (Weird Al Yankovic reference, look it up). My mother, 31 years ago, was a stripper/dancer in a club, and that's how she met my father. They were together for all of 6 months, and from my father's point of view it was purely physical - he had little intention of staying with her in the long run. But my mother thought otherwise, stopped taking the pill, and fell pregnant of me... So my father left her and I didn't see him again until I was 21. My mom has a slight mental issue, she doesn't take care of herself very well, and she is very immature. Plus, she can't find a nice guy so I ended up growing up with a man that was drunk, violent (almost killed me 3 times by choking me), etc. As for my father, I found him through the internet at 21, met her and my two little half-sisters (let's call 'em C and M, now 18 and 22 respectively). He's happily married and all, and was happy that I came back into contact with him (it helped a lot that I wasn't asking anything from him, just to get to know his half of the family). My mother also had another child before me, another half-sister (A, 34 years old), with which I grew up.
So, about transgender and such... The first thing is, I don't beleive I've ever thought to myself "I'm actually a woman in a man's body". It's just not something that I can truthfully tell myself or others. But I've have other "signs", if we can call them that. It's a little awkward to say because this is where I believe I may be just weird: my sexual fantasy is that I've always wanted to feel what it was to be a woman. Sex as a woman is something that permeates my thoughts and my life. It's constantly in the back of my mind, nagging at me, often causing me to masturbate out of sheer necessity of releasing that sexual tension, sometimes even at work (too often in my opinion). This has been the case since at least my early teens. It's just... I'm always daydreaming about somehow being turned into a woman (I'm a big sci-fi and fantasy fan, so it ranges from magic to a future version of myself coming back to give myself the technology to do it... but not before having "her/me" way with me...). And my favorite pornography type is very precise: "Female POV" (point of view). Google it, you'll see what I mean (or just go to the subreddit reddit . com / r / femalepov ).
But one thing recently triggered a different feeling. My wife, to whom I've told of my fantasy, told me, less than a month ago, that she would be supportive of me if I were to go through a sex change - even if it was just the genitals and nothing else (no hormones, no boob job, nothing else than trading a penis for a vagina). I don't know why, but I believe this made my head go into overdrive and I've been actively looking into other people's experience with sex changes, and wondering about things like whether or not my family would support my decision, my friends would stay my friends, and coworkers would give me "the look" when I came out... And so, in an odd way, I believe this is my first step towards a change (and in my mind, a full body change, as being a woman without having everything wouldn't be the same, and wouldn't be "right").
Right now, I think the emotion that is coming out the most for me is fear. Not fear of being rejected (especially not here in this forum), but a fear that may push me towards the change and acceptance that it may be the only way, for me. The fear is that my daughter may be a victim of me at one point - I'm afraid that I will become jealous of my own daughter as she grows up and becomes a woman, and that I hurt her in some way, either physically or psychologically. My other fear is that it's just a sexual fantasy, that daydreaming and the occasional real dream (it's happened that I've been a woman in my dreams, and I love those and hope for more) is all I should have, until perhaps virtual reality or matrix-style systems can give me the real feeling.
I'm opening up to you in the hopes that some of you may have had a similar experience, a similar thought process, and that your support will help guide me in the right direction. Please, be as honest as you possibly can, tell me if I'm just sexually frustrated or have an odd fantasy, or whether I'm just like others who have made the change and would be a happier person for it.
I'll keep myself anonymous for now, until I feel comfortable enough to talk more about myself.