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Author Topic: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible  (Read 2093 times)

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Offline Karla

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Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« on: April 12, 2013, 07:11:44 am »
Just came out to my wife this past Monday, in the context of a couple's therapy session.  We had been in therapy for about a year, going around in circles... the more i did to improve things, the angrier she would get with me, until she pushed me over the edge and then we fought. 

This week her disrespect, contempt and scorn is coming out... according to the literature on the Beaumont Society, it's supposed to be a phase.

The good news is that, because i recently realised who I am (female) and where i am going, i've been able to keep my cool and quiet my own anger, in a way that i rarely was able to do as an actress forced into a 24/7 male role.

That doesn't make it any easier.  She makes me cry and seems to get satisfaction from it.  She is also convinced that i have done something really bad, something comparable to having an affair or massive lying.  Rather than be defencive, i do my best to be understanding... which only seems to make her meaner.  She talks to me with contempt in her voice, pretending that i deserve no better.

Yesterday she wanted sex, and after she was satisfied, asked 'so when are you gonna cut it off'?  (No consideration as to my own satisfaction...)  and when i started to tell her that it was an important decision that i had hoped to discuss and decide together... she just interrupted and changed the subject.

(Sex with her has always revolved around her, she has never paid attention to the naked male body in bed with her... though now claims that she's not a lesbian and needs a strong man next to her in life.  I would like to say, that i'm stronger now than i've ever been.  But anything i say is fuel for a fight, so now i say as little as possible and have a private cry.    Makes no sense.  Thoughts?)

Sorry for the rant.  If she were a GF or this were a childless marriage, i'd cut & run.  Our daughter is away and married, but our younger child is eleven.  So i think about him...  and fear of divorce, its costs both financial and emotional... as well as transitioning without a supportive partner.  Speaking of strong, anything a man can do, most women can do better.  I have risen from a poor city kid to a senior consultant in a global company with good job security.  Put her child from her previous marriage through college when her MALE ex-husband hadn't even paid the child support.  Is it clear, how i feel?  Wants a strong man, hmmmph.  Does she even know what she wants?

Just how much nastiness can we take?  Has anybody else been in the same position?

She has not taken advantages of any of the SO links or support groups that I have given her.

Please advise... the benefit of your greater experience and wisdom please !

Thanks,
Karla

Offline Nicole

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2013, 07:24:26 am »
I'm sorry, but isn't this person meant to love you?

I would have walked a long time ago and maybe you're better off without her.

Life's too short to have people in your life who are meant to love you and then treat you like that.

And as I told my best friend when she was worried about her sister breaking up with her husband, "its normal these days"

Offline MaidofOrleans

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2013, 07:29:33 am »
I cant speak on the subject of marriage and children because I could never play guy good enough to get to that point.

From her perspective you have been dishonest and bringing out this huge secret and expecting her to be accepting is a long shot. To be brutally honest with you, despite your good intentions, you may be fighting a losing battle. Generally speaking a happy marriage may be able to cope but in your case it sounds like you were already on a very bumpy road.

In my opinion you need to make a big girl decision and decide whether transition is worth your marriage and the livelihood of your child.
"For transpeople, using the right pronoun is NOT simply a 'political correctness' issue. It's core to the entire struggle transpeople go through. Using the wrong pronoun means 'I don't recognize you as who you are.' It means 'I think you're confused, delusional, or mentally I'll.'. It means 'you're not important enough for me to acknowledge your struggle.'"

Offline suzifrommd

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2013, 08:36:20 am »
Please advise... the benefit of your greater experience and wisdom please !

Karla, take my advice with a grain of salt. I don't know you or your wife, so I can only speak based on what you said in a few paragraphs.

It sounds like you're not what your wife wants and you never will be. She wants a strong man. You're not a man at all.

Please don't worry about how divorce will affect your child. Children are very perceptive. It will be just as bad for your son to be raised in a marriage characterized by disappointment and recriminations.

I've been in a similar situation (though my wife has been a tad bit more understanding and respectful of my feelings than yours has). We're getting a divorce now, and I'm 100% convinced it's the best thing for all of us.

Please keep posting Karla. We're here if you need us.

eli77

Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2013, 09:14:50 am »
Children are very perceptive. It will be just as bad for your son to be raised in a marriage characterized by disappointment and recriminations.

Speaking as someone who was raised by parents who "stayed together for the kids," I entirely agree. It was a huge relief when they finally broke up. I want to start a "divorce for the kids" movement to combat the insanity of believing that a toxic, unloving relationship is somehow a good space to raise children.

Offline Karla

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2013, 10:09:20 am »
Thanks for your replies, and for the quickness of your replies.  It means so much to me, just to know that all of you are there.

Yes, you are all wise about the toxic relationship being much worse than breaking up. 

OK, you've only heard my side of the story, so take this with a grain of salt... but...

I have been stronger than any man she's ever been with.  I'm uncomfortable tooting my own horn, but this is objective fact.  She'll never acknowledge it... she has a history of useless lazy men. 

On one hand, as MaidofOrleans says,  From her perspective you have been dishonest and bringing out this huge secret and expecting her to be accepting is a long shot.  On the other hand, i feel that in marriage one should do one's best, and not simply unload bile on a partner.  I understand how hard this could be for anyone. 

I do not, however, expect to be disrespected for being understanding.  For all i know, she sees TG/TS-ism not as a condition in which one is born into the wrong body, but a weird perverted sexual fling of a middle-aged man in a mid-life crisis.  (it might be, i might question myself, if i didn't have the memories and dreams of a girl from as long as i can remember, about six.) 

In retrospect, i feel that she never accepted me as a man, though.  She has no instinct or desire to take care of a man, do all the little things that women often do when a man cares for her, protects her, and works hard.  Never did, from day one. 

It's my fault for not seeing this, but getting involved with her anyway.  Perhaps i don't know what to expect from relationships.  Perhaps after my mother's sudden withdrawal of support and turning on me when i started to transition right out of college, AND my gf's withdrawal of support, i fell into abusive relationships.  Always feeling that a problem with the relationship was a problem with me. 

Darned difficult getting out of those relationships.  I volunteered in a womens shelter once, and noted that women often returned to their abusers.

Again, thanks for all of your warm support, experience and ideas !

Hugs,
Karla

kathy bottoms

Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2013, 10:25:49 am »
I was going to post a very long discussion about this, but then I read what Suzi posted.  She said it much more simply and precisely, so it makes my job easy.  I've been there, and I'm still going through a wringer every few weeks. 

Your situation is different with a younger child, and it makes it harder on everyone.  But it won't get better by waiting to talk about a lot of unpleasant things, especially if your wife is unwilling to accept that you have to change.  In your wife’s eyes you lied, deceived her, and cheated her out of “her” future.  Yes, it is all about her, and she wants you to know that it's all your fault.

JoAnn and I finally had an open discussion of our future without regard to staying together.  And that ended a lot of the anger.  From that point on we've been much more civil, and we talk a lot more freely.  We both know we'll end this marriage some day, and we're o.k. with it now.  But JoAnn still gives me a deliberate pointed jab every now and then just to hurt me.  ???

So please take care, and understand that you need to protect yourself from some of the terrible things that can happen in divorces.  As it was put to me by several girls here on Susan's, "Plan for the worst, and be ready for it."  The worst may not happen, but if it does you need to survive.

Hugs, Kathy
 

Offline Carlita

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2013, 11:28:46 am »
Karla, I totally relate ... I told my wife about my gender identity issues a long time ago and one time she just didn't want to hear it, then another time she was very sweet ... but then went into some kind of denial mode as if none of it had ever happened, which I could hardly blame her for because I was still in that crazy place of thinking that maybe there was something or someone that could 'cure' me. Then six months ago I basically said, 'Look I really need to at least start the process of transition. Because I can stand starting and then discovering that it doesn't work, or it's not the right thing for me. But I've got to the point where I simply can't bear the wondering and the not knowing, and the thought that I might go to my grave without ever having given myself the chance to be the person i should have been all along."
And she freaked. It was kind of a slow-motion freak-out that took place over weeks, maybe a couple of months as we tried to work things out and (on my wife's insistence) went to a really well-respected gender/relationship therapist together ... And gradually the whole thing became much, much more real to both of us. And the more that it did, the angrier and more bitterly hurt she became. And here's the thing: I don't blame her.
She's a heterosexual woman, with no doubts at all about her own gender or sexuality, who married me to be her husband and the father to our children. She still loves that man and wants to have sex with him, and she's deeply, deeply hurt that he can even consider giving it all up to become, in her eyes, some kind of fake impersonation of a woman.
Frankly, that's how the vast majority of women would - and for all I know do - respond. I think she's entitled to her anger and I respect it.
She also made it quite clear that she was not remotely interested in staying married if I transitioned. And, if I'm being totally honest, I'm not sure I do, either. Not because i don't love her, or love her companionship. Just that she doesn't want to go to bed with another woman ... and I don't think I'd want that, either.
So it's quite clear, not as a threat or emotional blackmail, just a fact of life that if I transition, we divorce.
And that brings me on to the kids. I have three: two daughters in their twenties and a teenage son. I love them all very much. I know that if I were to transition it would hurt them very badly at first. I'm not sure how angry they would be, or whether they'd reject me - at first, perhaps, but later, who knows? But I do know it would make my son's life MUCH harder at school.
Plus, he'd lose the house he's lived in all his life, because we'd have to sell it. And my daughters would lose any chance of a deposit for their first homes, because what with buying two new homes and a transition, there'd be nothing left in the kitty.
So I'd be hurting them ... And I'd be hurting me, too, because I've come very close to losing my family once before and it devastated me.
So the question is really a risk/reward issue. Do the possible benefits of transition outweigh the known and unknown costs, both for me and the people I love, and for whom I feel responsible?
Right now - partly because of a very serious illness in the family - I've put my transition on hold. (Again!) And it's not the worst thing, because in my head I'm completely settled with being transgender, accepting of it and at ease about it for really the first time in my life.
Now, I can't tell you what to do, Karla. But what I can say is that I think you have to allow your wife her anger, even if there are times (boy, are there times!) when it seems unreasonable, vindictive, phobic and generally incredibly hurtful and pissing-off to you too. This is about the toughest thing any wife can hear from her husband. She'll feel unfeminine, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, terrified about what people will say ... and even if these feelings aren't all reasonable, they're still completely understandable. We have the right to expect our feelings to be respected. But we don't have the right to expect our partners just to accept something as huge and traumatic as this and act like our happiness is the only thing that matters. They have a huge amount at stake in it too.
As for your son, well, you know him and love him and it's not for me or anyone else to say what you should do. One thing I would say, in general, is it seems to me to be better to transition as early as possible in a child's life. By the time they hit puberty and are developing their own sexual identity, I think it must get a lot more tricky. I'm certainly very conscious of that in my son's case.
In the end, you must choose your own path through all this. I wish you all the very best luck in the world. And, like all the other girls here have said, I'm here for you, any time.

kathy bottoms

Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2013, 12:35:24 pm »
Wow Carlita.  To you I offer every emotion I can give with a hug and sigh.

I lived more than 20 years with JoAnn after coming out to her the first time.  It was terribly difficult and everything you said about how a wife reacts is so incredibly true.  I lost everything that was tender and intimate in my marriage that day, but we stayed together and raised our two sons.  We learned to live together over the years, and so it hurt JoAnn just as much last summer when I told her I had to move on.  The loss, hatred, fear, discust, and loneliness was all back and it was just as bad as it was all those years ago.  But this time she added "You did it to me again.  And I hate you for it."

Yes Carlita, I made similar choices, and I'm so glad I did.  But I also knew there'd be something more I'd be dealing with some day.  Luckily that day has come and gone, we dealt with the added problem, and we are getting on with things.  Times are not easy, and there's real unhappiness in the house, but in time we will finally go our own ways.


Karla, you have a lot to deal with from now on.  And it sounds like you know what you're in for.

 Kathy

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2013, 12:42:49 pm »
I cant speak on the subject of marriage and children because I could never play guy good enough to get to that point.

From her perspective you have been dishonest and bringing out this huge secret and expecting her to be accepting is a long shot. To be brutally honest with you, despite your good intentions, you may be fighting a losing battle. Generally speaking a happy marriage may be able to cope but in your case it sounds like you were already on a very bumpy road.

In my opinion you need to make a big girl decision and decide whether transition is worth your marriage and the livelihood of your child.
[/b]

No, the question is whether she wants her child to witness obvious ABUSE, and also to see that she  would rather be knuckled into submission, rather than leaving WITH the child, and protecting him, like a good mom--or dad--would do.

There is NO excuse for abuse. She's selfish, and wants a doormat, not a partner.
Let that be your last battlefield.

Offline Chaos

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2013, 01:10:21 pm »
I have seen many different outcomes and have known many different types of people and i can say honestly that its one thing to disagree with a transition but another to disrespect a human being during sex,Who mind you-has not had SRS and is still the person they claimed to have *fallen in love with*.I wish to point this out before i go into more though.I was with a woman years ago and we had some pretty bad issues,one of them being lying.She finally told the truth but later down the line we realized *us* being together was wrong.But never once did i stop loving her or stop sleeping in the same bed.we had other things in mind and knew what we needed and sex was not one of them.If anyone makes you believe that you can not be with someone you *love* without thinking only about sex,then they are using you.She went back home because her mother had cancer which i completely understood.In a nut shell,we were happy with the human being and not the body parts they carried.That aside,to the OP.As i stated above,i have seen ALOT of different people and even dealt with some of the exact same things you do.Most not related to transition and some are.But either way,the reason for it is normaly the same.Allow me to throw some of these out to you.Judging from the things i have seen that you posted,this is the assumtion i got.You said that sex has always been about her? i know this feeling well and this is purely a selfish action from a selfish person.A selfless person will always put the needs of others first.More so when it comes to *making love*.I currently live with someone who also seems to hold the same contempt and though i know its hard,you come to the point that you have NO choice but to end it.Regardless of what one *feels* they suffer,like being lied to,cheated on and so on,it takes a cruel human being to repay with revenge.the best revenge for such things is walking away for good.Now transition is not *lying* to anyone,that is like saying if someone found out that same day *i have this and i need to do something about it* -which in a sense,they told the truth the day they discovered it,thats like saying they lied for so long and now they cant be trusted.Now some do try their hardest to swallow it like a bitter pill to make the other happy but they slowly rott and die inside.Love is not about forced sacrifice but personal sacrifice and this goes both ways.But transition is not like giving your last bit of money to someone who asks for it,it is something that can literaly rip your entire life apart and could end it completely.there is no time for pointing fingers or saying who should have done what.My mother,family disowned me after many years of abuse and i finally let them go for good and walked away and i am more happy then i have ever been.I refuse to sacrifice self for someone who wouldnt sacrifice a penny for me.and in perspective,i have sacrificed MANY years of my life to make them happy and that was never enough.I would go into details but there has been enough gloom here.The point is,she will never change because thats like asking a robot to suddenly grow a heart.For your actions and transition,she WILL make you suffer until you *realize you did wrong* and come back to *reality*.The more pain you feel,the more likely you are to back away because of your feelings for her.tucking your tail between your legs.like i said i did the same thing BUT on my part,i started to bite back and for their actions,they lost someone they will wish they hadnt treated that way.so now you have to decide.but i wish you luck on whatever that is.And a side note since it seems *the children* are being brought into it.A child will NEVER and does NEVER wish to see their parent *regardless of sex* ripped apart like prey to a wild animal.I know that the children will be happy knowing you are whole and happy for a change.Or they can watch as you rott and even hate the fact your trapped and alive.the choice should be simple but sometimes i know its not.a child WILL understand.
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Offline Lorri Kat

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2013, 01:30:24 pm »
[/b]

No, the question is whether she wants her child to witness obvious ABUSE, and also to see that she  would rather be knuckled into submission, rather than leaving WITH the child, and protecting him, like a good mom--or dad--would do.

There is NO excuse for abuse. She's selfish, and wants a doormat, not a partner.

I've withnessed her type before and the above quote is 100% true.  They take untill there is nothing left and the person they are with has no more serviceable use for them.  Their problems and situations will always be someone elses fault.   

Partnerships are a two way street thru good, bad and ugly.  Karla, seems to me you've known this was a oneway street relationship for quite some time given what you have disclosed here.
 
http://www.aclu.org/files/assets/aclu-tg_parenting_guide.pdf

You've already pulled the trigger so there is no way to pull anything back now.  Your going to be dealing with issues and problems no matter what so start educating yourself and planning now for the worst. One can always hope for the best.  :)

P.S.   I have seen people as you described your SO faint acceptance and support for short periods of time to gain information to use against someone.   Civil court with children is trench warfare at its worst.   I wish that I had insite other then this for you.
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Offline JoanneB

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2013, 01:45:18 pm »
It sounds like you and your wife had other issues if you've been in marriage therapy for over a year. Coming out to her this week cuts two ways. First, as a great wound for her to rub salt in, "so when are you going to get it cut off?". Second, now she see's even more how you've been lying, betrayed her, made promises you couldn't keep and definet proof that you are far from the man she thought she was marrying.

You nailed it right calling it a toxic relationship. I can tell you how my wife (a child of the 50's) as well as her younger siblings all prayed that their parents would divorce! Every holiday ruined as the inevetable knock down drag out fight started. Many a weekend ruined as her mom tried her best to emasculate the dad. The whole experienced scared her for life and she is still fighting those demons.

Today's kids are far more resilient. Divorce wasn't the dirty little thing today as it was 60 years ago. A good percentage of the kids in his class come from broken families. If there is a marriage to start with, over half end in divorce. There is more than one reason why so many "single" women are raising kids.

Seems to me the best thing you can do for your kid and for yourself is to seperate.
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Offline Bex80

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2013, 02:12:56 pm »
I am in a similar position relationship wise. I finally came to terms with being trans in November and came out to my wife of ten years at the end of January. We don't have children but she is herself my dependent due to her disability.

It seems to me your responsibility is to your 11 year old and an abusive relationship is not something you should tolerate.

My wife and I have had numerous arguments between periods of being too normal if that makes sense. You seem like I am to have accepted you are trans which is a massive thing and to me feels an enormous relief and I feel much calmer as others have said.

If your wife had no idea you had gender identity issues (mine knew a little but I have been in unconcious denial for 10 years and thought it had gone) before you married she has every right as Maid Of Orleans say's to be angry, upset, dejected, demoralised and the rest.

My wife likens it to me having an affair, something I would never do, and that is a painful reality for both us. The fact that you are already in relationship counselling tells it's own story. It honestly sounds like it would better for you both to seperate for yourselves and your children. Your issues, like mine are relationship not trans. You must be willing to accept a lot for the position you put your wife in (even if like me it was not a conscious thing).

I am rapidly coming to realise that my own marriage will end because my wife is not gay and I am struggling to conciously deny who I am as I promised to try in January.

Admitting to yourself you are trans is a one way street. The door cannot be closed and it isn't sensible mentally to try. If you feel you can work through your issues and your wife can admit she is abusive even if elements feel justifiable then the best of luck to you. It is your life but please don't deny your true self. I am failing as I type this and I have delayed the inevitable and caused more heartache and pain.

All my love and best regards, Becky x

Offline Jenna Marie

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2013, 06:28:08 pm »
I'm going to chime in and agree that this relationship sounds toxic.  And I'm still married to the person who was there with me throughout transition. She was upset, and she had some bad days, and we both said some things we regret back in the beginning...  But she never would've considered treating me like this, and it's hard to imagine that someone who does treat you that way actually loves you.

Borrowing advice I've seen elsewhere, at this point you're basically already a single parent, except for the part where you're living with someone who makes your life miserable and everything 1000 times more difficult.

Offline Joanna Dark

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #15 on: April 12, 2013, 07:04:35 pm »
I would give it time and see what happens. I mean you've been together for at least 18 years given that you have a daughter in college. Then you have been in couples counseling for a year. I've never been but I thought that was supposed to be about honesty. Now you come out and tell her your trans after a year of lying even in therapy. She may have been trying to get to her 25 year marriage anniversary. I'm not trying to be mean but it may help to try and see things from her POV as well. That is what empathy is all about. You've essentially been lying to her about something really deeply personal for decades. That prob seems like the ultimate betrayal to her. I've been betrayed and feels awful and it's really hard to get over it took me five years. She's going to get upset. And it seems like you expected to be her not to be. I don't know. I'm sorry. These stories get me really down. I'm sorry I'm not going to say anymore. I really do hope things work out for you both.

Offline Lorri Kat

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2013, 08:07:06 pm »
To say the OP lied to her SO during therapy when the therapy had nothing to do with her,the OP, being TG and was about other issues seems a bit brash to me.   Karla was the one doing all the giving and untill pushed seems to have had a handle on her own internal conflict and it did not cause any disharmony within the relationship.  With marriage and kids its easy to lose ones self and you become a 'sum' not an individual part, sounds crazy but it happens especialy if your a totally caring and nurturing person.    You do lose yourself.   When the abuse or confrontations become very intense some times one, Karen in this case,  will draw back into themself and think more about how they feel and what they are fighting inside.  Been there done that, I know first hand.  When the attacks continue and nothing you do is ever good enough or right you finally just take a stand for yourself and you state your true feelings. Which is what it seems happened here with Karla..   only  she knows how it happened but it seems very close to my own experience with reguards to being treated as she is.  While she may have never told anyone about her feelings of being TG in the past since it did not do any harm prior or get in the way of her life I do not see how it is even a lie of omission.  As it stood before it was no different then not telling someone .. ohh I like to paint or I'm a TNG  junky.    Honesty is many shades of grey some of it protects while other parts can cause great harm.   
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Offline Joanna Dark

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #17 on: April 12, 2013, 08:53:23 pm »
While she may have never told anyone about her feelings of being TG in the past since it did not do any harm prior or get in the way of her life I do not see how it is even a lie of omission.  As it stood before it was no different then not telling someone .. ohh I like to paint or I'm a TNG  junky.    Honesty is many shades of grey some of it protects while other parts can cause great harm.

I guess you and I differ on how big of a thing being trans is. It consumes and has consumed my entire life. Correct me if I'm wrong, and if I am I apologize, but you seem to be saying that being trans is on par with painting as a hobby or liking TNG (whatever that is). Maybe I was too harsh but even on support sites and in support groups, it's not always rainbows and butterflies. I was simply saying that I think being trans is kind of a big deal. And if it wasn't why say anything at all. And I have no idea why the OP was in couples counseling but don't you think being trans may possibly have some little effect on the marriage and the relationship. My main point was to consider the wife's POV as well. But I'm really getting sick of arguing.

Offline luna

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2013, 09:38:47 pm »
I guess you and I differ on how big of a thing being trans is. It consumes and has consumed my entire life. Correct me if I'm wrong, and if I am I apologize, but you seem to be saying that being trans is on par with painting as a hobby or liking TNG (whatever that is). Maybe I was too harsh but even on support sites and in support groups, it's not always rainbows and butterflies. I was simply saying that I think being trans is kind of a big deal. And if it wasn't why say anything at all. And I have no idea why the OP was in couples counseling but don't you think being trans may possibly have some little effect on the marriage and the relationship. My main point was to consider the wife's POV as well. But I'm really getting sick of arguing.

I've been in this situation, together with someone 10 years, married 6, and a daughter who was 6 at the time we separated. I didn't expect her to stay with me, and when she did (and a week later cheated on me) I ended up leaving her because I knew things would continue to escalate into a deeper toxicity. But to be honest, there were a lot more issues before me coming out that led to me coming out, knowing it would effectively destroy our marriage.

I didn't know that there was such a thing as "transsexual" when I got married. I grew up in Wyoming and... well, I didn't even have TV for the longest time. I just thought I was incurably weird. But that's no excuse, something that big -- I should've just been up front about it. Looking back, I really tried to be, I just couldn't express it because I didn't know the words.

I fully accept that I was in the wrong for marrying her, and that attempting to salvage that relationship for any reason, even my daughter, was just going to end in tragedy.

I see what the Karla says and understand that her wife's reaction is negative. I agree with you that it's justifiably negative. I've been lied to for years by someone very close to me too, and even though they really didn't INTEND to hurt me, they did. Horribly. I'm disgusted with myself for doing the same to someone who trusted me, even though I absolutely have no care in the world for my soulless terrible-mother of an ex-wife. I empathize with both parties, but to hide a core aspect of yourself from someone you promised a life to... well...







Offline Lorri Kat

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Re: Contempt from Wife, feeling terrible
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2013, 10:03:17 pm »
I guess you and I differ on how big of a thing being trans is. It consumes and has consumed my entire life. Correct me if I'm wrong, and if I am I apologize, but you seem to be saying that being trans is on par with painting as a hobby or liking TNG (whatever that is). Maybe I was too harsh but even on support sites and in support groups, it's not always rainbows and butterflies. I was simply saying that I think being trans is kind of a big deal. And if it wasn't why say anything at all. And I have no idea why the OP was in couples counseling but don't you think being trans may possibly have some little effect on the marriage and the relationship. My main point was to consider the wife's POV as well. But I'm really getting sick of arguing.

I think its that some can deal with and control it,TG, more then others and thusly can hold that part within and back from people so that it is something they do not openly share nor does it have to be totally consuming.   Every one is different in how they feel and function, my intention was to pose that some can keep it, TG, apart from others in their life just as some keep things they like and are passionate about but their SOs do not like or approve of out of site.  Karla was ,from what I read, doing just that untill harrassed and abused to the point as I stated in my prior post were it all just came out.  My intention was not meant to belittle or make TG seem less important or trivial.       :)



 
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