I'm so frustrated. For the longest time I thought I could live as I am. I was used to it. Sort of like the way I've gotten used to being depressed. I've been down so long, I can't even feel the pain anymore. (I think there's a good blues song in there somewhere.) But I've been having some issues at work the last couple weeks that have really brought the anger and dissatisfaction with my gender, my life ... everything to the front.
But I feel so trapped. I can't afford to move forward with transition. Can't afford any more doctor's bills. Can't even pay the bills I have. Surgery seems like a pipe dream. I'm too much of a coward to come out to my family. Even the freaking weather seems to have it out for me. I finally managed to get time off work to go to my local monthly FtM support group meeting, only to have it canceled because of a snow storm. I feel as if my whole life has stalled, and I don't know how to get it going again. I can't keep living like this, but I can't figure out how to make things work. I've just become so aware of how far I have to go, and how quickly time is running out, and here I am stuck behind the starting line, drowning in quicksand. (Please pardon the mixed metaphors. It's late, and I'm upset.)
I guess I just need a good cry, and since I don't have any shoulders available to me, I'm doing my crying and ranting here. Usually, reading the boards makes me feel better, but tonight it doesn't seem to be helping.