Topic: The Incomprehesibility of Gender Identity

[Sandy]

Through this forum and others like it, and IRL, I have had to explain what this whole gender change thing is all about.

I have had to explain the discomfort that turned to anguish I experienced every day.  And the prayer that I said every night.

To those I have had to explain this to, partners, therapists, and relations, the most compassionate have said that they can comprehend the pain, but could never understand it.  Others, less compassionate and less comprehending, have called me sissy, faggot, queer, and more.  All of us have had to endure this treatment.

But just today I sat down and I tried, I REALLY tried to understand what it would be like to not have GID.  To actually be born in a body that my brain accepted, male or female, it doesn't matter.

And I came to the realization that *I* couldn't comprehend or understand this alien concept!  I am just short of two years post-op and I am greatly contented, trust me!  But every time I look in a mirror, go to the 'loo, or take a shower I know that I wasn't born this way.

What would life have been like waking up every morning and NOT having my gender as the first thing I thought about?  What kind of different child would I have been?  What would have my school experiences been?  Would I have been the same wall flower at dances?  Would I have taken a more active role in sports?  Would I have challenged the alpha male in school?  Or had I been born female would I have dated hunky football players? *heart flutter*

We here at Susan's have this massive blessing-within-a-curse in common regardless of our other backgrounds, and we view those without GID as being outside our two-spirit community.  And they do the same to us.  We are separate.  Even our most loving, compassionate partners view us as different.  Loved, but different.

This has been a stream of consciousness post, but has anyone else tried this exercise?  Have you tried to put yourself in the shoes of the *others*?  What does it feel like?  I certainly don't know!

(As the fates would have it, my iPod just randomly shuffled into Pinkard & Bowden's "Since My Baby Turned Gay"!  I wonder when "Dude Looks Like a Lady" will turn up)

-Sandy

[K8]

I don’t know, Sandy.  I have several cis-gendered friends who just seem to know that I am a woman despite my body and how I presented when I first met them.  They didn’t think I was before I began transition, but they do now – they really do.  I sometimes wonder how they do that.

I had a long discussion with a friend today about how it is difficult for people of different experience to really understand each others’ experiences.  How many civilians really understand what it is like to be a military spouse, or a police spouse, or even a professor’s spouse?  If you have been part of a community with a different social structure, can others who have not had that experience completely understand it?  Can a person who has lived in a big city all of her life really understand what small-town life is like?

And so it goes.  I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had popped out with a female body.  Would I have been less shy?  Would I have been anywhere near as bold as I am now – now that I’ve had to do it myself?  I don’t think there is any way to know.

I hated the years of confusion and anguish, but I wouldn’t wish them away because without them I might not be who I am now.  And I love who I am now.

(Must be a stream-of-consciousness night, Sandy.  I'm sorry if I'm a little off topic here. )

*hugs*
Kate

[Janet_Girl]

I often wonder what life would have been like had I been brain and sex compatible.  Would I still be married to my first wife and raised my children?

Or what if I had been born truly female.  Would I now be divorced and have raised my children on my own?  or would I still be married to my first husband?

But as it would have it, I am blessed cursed blessed with my life now.  I am I can only live this life.  And I choose to live it as a woman.

And you are right Kate, it does seem to to be a night of streaming conscience.

Hugs my Sisters,
Janet

[Forum Admin]

I've tried to imagine what being a woman would feel like to a 'real' woman. I always think that I should know what ciswomen think, having been in their body. But I can't imagine not having to deal with this. It just seems like it would be total freedom <insert expected statement of how everyone's life sucks, no one on the planet is happy, everyone has it bad, etc, etc>.

[K8]

Sandy,
I’ve thought about this some more because I don’t think we can help but wonder what might have been. 

Judging from my siblings and the two childhood friends I am still in contact with, I would guess that if I had born female I would have married at least once, have at least one natural child, and be living in some American suburb.  Bad things may have happened to me – the death of a child, an abusive husband, jail (for shooting my abusive husband) – but very probably I would be living some version of the American Dream – a stable life in a house larger than I need, with two cars in the garage.

Instead I have lived a life rich in texture, full of anguish and confusion and crazy adventures, perhaps a bit like a Russian novel or an Italian opera (but without the passion).  Even the years I anesthetized myself with drugs are something not many of my current peers experienced.  If nothing else, it has been interesting.

I’ve had terrible valleys but wonderful peaks.  Would I have had the peaks without the valleys?  I don’t know.  I am just enough of a Puritan to believe that I appreciate more the things I’ve had to struggle for.  Each “ma’am”, each “she”, each “that lady” is a gift I cherish and tuck into my heart to be unwrapped later with deep pleasure.

Sometimes driving through the countryside I have passed a field of cows.  I look at them munching on the grass in the sunshine surrounded by rustic beauty and think: how lovely, how peaceful, how boring.

Treasure the gifts you have been given, dear.

*hugs*
Kate

[Sandy]

Everyone!  Thank you for your wonderful responses.

It appears that we are all swimming in the same stream. 

Kate; Thank you for your other analogies.  I hadn't really thought about it that way, but, yes, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a military or police spouse.  They must feel tension and anguish every day.  Even a professors spouse must worry that he may run into some sexy co-ed and destroy and embarrass her life.

And while I wouldn't wish this condition on my worst enemy, I also would not now wish it away.  My GID has shaped me and given me insight into both genders that cis people rarely see.  Yes, it made me an outcast, but I also gained strength that has served me in other areas.

"Blood, tears, and sweat..." Winston Churchill once said.  And a boat in harbor is safe, but useless.  We must venture out to live.  We live life that is richer than most.

No, I wouldn't change a thing...

-Sandy