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Author Topic: Feeling disconnected from family and friends  (Read 844 times)

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vivienne

Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« on: April 27, 2011, 09:46:42 pm »
I'm on hormones for 8 months and I'm starting to realise that I'm more passable than I thought I was. Especially during the past 3 months I noticed a huge improvement. It's not perfect (yet?), but much better than it was. When I interact with strangers now I feel completely myself. It's the best feeling ever.

With most of my family and friends though it's a different story.. The further I transition, the more disconnected I feel from them. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I'm tired of having to explain myself and not being understood anyway. It's like they can't keep up with my inner and outer developments. They can't adapt. I am myself with them because I refuse to be anyone else, but it all just feels weird. When they speak to me I feel like they speak to the guy that I was, but I don't respond to them like the guy that I was. The guy is gone.. I think I've changed quite a bit, more than they expected. Explaining to them what I go through and what's on my mind is pretty much useless, because they simply can't understand they way I think. They don't notice at all that strangers see and treat me as woman. I don't think they even believe that they see me as woman. It makes communicaton really hard.

Looking back at the past two years I feel very much let down by everyone around me (except by my mother and one friend). They simply just let me struggle. I only realise that now that I don't struggle that much anymore. I'm mostly dissapointed in my father and my sister. We are still in touch yes, but I sometimes ask myself why. My sister did not once offer me to go shopping with her, for example. I don't need her to go shopping with me anymore but there were defenately times when I could have used her help and support. I wouldn't go shopping with her now if she begged me. My parents more or less kept me away from the rest of the family for 3 years, because they were too embarassed I guess. They made up every possible excuse to skip birthdays and parties. Not having seen my family for 3 years I don't know how to face them ever again. I don't think I want to. They would be speaking to a ghost.

Having said all that; I am seriously considering to move away to another city and to start a new life. The time isn't right yet, but I think I will eventually be able to do it, in terms of passing. Even if I don't pass I would still want to move and start over. Even if new people don't see me as natural female, at least they see me for what I am now. It makes a huge difference in how people treat you, I think. My friends all expected that I would be this proud and open transsexual, but that's not going to happen. They still out me to people and they can't understand that I hate it. My friend is throwing a dinner party for all her colleagues next month and she invited me too. I was pleased with the invitation, until I found out that she has told all her colleagues that I am trans.. My point is, if I stay here, stuff like this will never end. It has to end.

I was so happy with the acceptance by everyone after my coming out, but I didn't realise then that the tricky part still had to come.

My question is: does it happen often that transsexuals feel disconnected from family and friends and that they want/need to start a 'new' life? I'm just wondering if it's me or if it's pretty common.

Offline Amy1177

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Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2011, 10:30:00 pm »
Hi Vivienne,

My wife and I have very similiar feelings about both of our families.  I have one sister and her husband and they are pretty awesome and I know will not have any issue with transitioning.  (I have not started any kind of transition or have even hinted at the possibility to anyone other than my wife).  My parents and my other sister on the other hand are just manipulative, rude, self absorbed, obnoxious, lying assholes.  My parents are not quite as bad as my sister but more than bad enough.  Unfortunately at this time we are renting a house from them and they are our next door neighbors.  We can not wait to move away but it is because of their actions toward us and just their overall personalities and beliefs are vastly different from ours and not in a good way.  My wife's mother and sister are not much better.

I know that my parents and one sister will treat me like a leper at transition time.  We want to move and get away from them because it is not a healthy environment for us or our children.  When we move it is going to be hours away so that we do not get any unplanned visits.

No it is not uncommon for people to feel disconnected but it doesn't have anything to do with your transition.  You are just growing spiritually faster then they are and it is time you move on to a happier place.  Family are the people that stand behind you good and bad and always try to help never make more miserable.  The family tree is just your genetic link to life.  Nothing more.

Amy
We were all born this way.  Don't let world stupidness to bring you down to its level.  Rise above and love yourself.   ;)

MarinaM

Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2011, 01:19:16 pm »


My question is: does it happen often that transsexuals feel disconnected from family and friends and that they want/need to start a 'new' life? I'm just wondering if it's me or if it's pretty common.

This is the way I feel, so it has been a struggle to maintain my friendships and family connections. No matter how accepting they are, how much I value their relationships, the tug to just hit the life reset button is incredibly intense. I keep telling myself the shared struggle will all be worth it.

Offline Melody Maia

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Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2011, 03:34:08 pm »
I've felt it. For some friends, I did indeed just cut them out. They were holding me back. Family I have been more patient with, but those who don't understand, I just don't talk to. I especially don't like it when they try to set the pace of my transition. I must be free to do things at my own pace and they need to trust that I will keep their needs in mind as I make my decisions. Unfortunately, sometimes those things are in conflict.
and i know that i'm never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody



O

Caith

Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2011, 09:43:59 pm »
I was forced to learn how to hide my feelings at a very young age.  My family was simply not capable of understanding.  It's resulted in a lifelong detachment from many things (including family) for me.

vivienne

Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2011, 11:20:34 am »
What I'm still wondering about.. Do you think that 'people from the past' will always see you as male even if noone else does? Or do most people from the past just need more time to get convinced that you are indeed a woman? Perhaps they are simply unable to accept you as a woman before you had srs?

Ann Onymous

Re: Feeling disconnected from family and friends
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2011, 11:42:25 am »
Remember that those who knew you 'before' have to sometimes go through the various grieving processes...that includes family. 

Sometimes the distance with friends stems from a perceived loss of common interests.  They may or may not come back around.  Of the small handful of friends I had pre- that I have stayed in touch with, none ever knew the precise period of time in which the surgery took place.   

Ditto with family...it took several years with my family to get to a semblance of normalcy (of course, in addition to my transition all those years ago, they inheirited a grandchild since my ex had a kid.  Some of the biggest discussions in that period of time surrounded same-sex marriage...not only did they have to come to terms with their child transitioning but also with the whole notion of the child also being a lesbian.  Even in families that CAN be liberal minded, it is a lot to take in...or at least it was two decades ago.  Would presume it to be at least as difficult today, especially with the increased signal to noise ratio that exists on the web.

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