I'm going to ask for everyone's opinion on whether or not you think (yes, your personal opinion) I should start taking steps towards being a transgender, or if I'm just... weird. Let me explain; I'll try to make it brief but I can't keep myself from writing walls of text, so I hope you like reading :P
First, a little background. I'm 31 years old, male, I'm married and I have a child (a beautiful little girl, 21 months old). I'm what most people refer to as a Nerd: my work and personal life is spent a lot on the computer, I play video games and I can program in multiple languages... I'm "white and nerdy" (Weird Al Yankovic reference, look it up). My mother, 31 years ago, was a stripper/dancer in a club, and that's how she met my father. They were together for all of 6 months, and from my father's point of view it was purely physical - he had little intention of staying with her in the long run. But my mother thought otherwise, stopped taking the pill, and fell pregnant of me... So my father left her and I didn't see him again until I was 21. My mom has a slight mental issue, she doesn't take care of herself very well, and she is very immature. Plus, she can't find a nice guy so I ended up growing up with a man that was drunk, violent (almost killed me 3 times by choking me), etc. As for my father, I found him through the internet at 21, met her and my two little half-sisters (let's call 'em C and M, now 18 and 22 respectively). He's happily married and all, and was happy that I came back into contact with him (it helped a lot that I wasn't asking anything from him, just to get to know his half of the family). My mother also had another child before me, another half-sister (A, 34 years old), with which I grew up.
So, about transgender and such... The first thing is, I don't beleive I've ever thought to myself "I'm actually a woman in a man's body". It's just not something that I can truthfully tell myself or others. But I've have other "signs", if we can call them that. It's a little awkward to say because this is where I believe I may be just weird: my sexual fantasy is that I've always wanted to feel what it was to be a woman. Sex as a woman is something that permeates my thoughts and my life. It's constantly in the back of my mind, nagging at me, often causing me to masturbate out of sheer necessity of releasing that sexual tension, sometimes even at work (too often in my opinion). This has been the case since at least my early teens. It's just... I'm always daydreaming about somehow being turned into a woman (I'm a big sci-fi and fantasy fan, so it ranges from magic to a future version of myself coming back to give myself the technology to do it... but not before having "her/me" way with me...). And my favorite pornography type is very precise: "Female POV" (point of view). Google it, you'll see what I mean (or just go to the sub>-bleeped-< >-bleeped-< . com / r / femalepov ).
But one thing recently triggered a different feeling. My wife, to whom I've told of my fantasy, told me, less than a month ago, that she would be supportive of me if I were to go through a sex change - even if it was just the genitals and nothing else (no hormones, no boob job, nothing else than trading a penis for a vagina). I don't know why, but I believe this made my head go into overdrive and I've been actively looking into other people's experience with sex changes, and wondering about things like whether or not my family would support my decision, my friends would stay my friends, and coworkers would give me "the look" when I came out... And so, in an odd way, I believe this is my first step towards a change (and in my mind, a full body change, as being a woman without having everything wouldn't be the same, and wouldn't be "right").
Right now, I think the emotion that is coming out the most for me is fear. Not fear of being rejected (especially not here in this forum), but a fear that may push me towards the change and acceptance that it may be the only way, for me. The fear is that my daughter may be a victim of me at one point - I'm afraid that I will become jealous of my own daughter as she grows up and becomes a woman, and that I hurt her in some way, either physically or psychologically. My other fear is that it's just a sexual fantasy, that daydreaming and the occasional real dream (it's happened that I've been a woman in my dreams, and I love those and hope for more) is all I should have, until perhaps virtual reality or matrix-style systems can give me the real feeling.
I'm opening up to you in the hopes that some of you may have had a similar experience, a similar thought process, and that your support will help guide me in the right direction. Please, be as honest as you possibly can, tell me if I'm just sexually frustrated or have an odd fantasy, or whether I'm just like others who have made the change and would be a happier person for it.
I'll keep myself anonymous for now, until I feel comfortable enough to talk more about myself.
Thanks...
LuckyMe
Hi LuckyMe,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. I'm so pleased you found us and had the confidence to share and enormous part of your life with us. We will always respect that.
As to your question about being weird. I can honestly say, absolutely not. You are not weird or a nerd in any way, shape or form. Please understand that. I would perceive that to be a negative ideology you have of yourself, that may negatively impact on your understanding of yourself.
The story you have related is so common that you are very normal. Gender Identity Disorder (GID) effects so many different physical, mental and emotional aspects of our complicated humanity that what you have related is just one of the many thousand ways it can do so.
I would not have any fears about your daughter being negatively effected by your transition, what ever shape it takes. To her, as she developes your transition will appear 'normal' to her. You are to be congratulated on chosing a very supportive partner. Take care of her, and she will be a solid foundation for your proposed transition.
Quote from: LuckyMe on July 11, 2012, 12:52:08 PM
tell me if I'm just sexually frustrated or have an odd fantasy, or whether I'm just like others who have made the change and would be a happier person for it.
As I have no knowledge of your personal life and activities I cannot answer your first query. I don't believe you have an 'odd' fantasy, but you do appear, from what you've said, to be just like many others here. From my experience and knowledge, most people suffering GID, who do take professional remedial action do end up happier than their former existance.
Although there is a collective wisdom at Susan's that makes it such a special place, that wisdom is based on a series of 'snap shots' of your dynamic life. Therefore, it would be far more beneficial for you to seek the assitance of a therapist who understands GID and transgender issues. You'll be amazed at their effectiveness in guiding you through the labyrinth of emotions and feelings you have.
Again, thank you for sharing what must have been a hard process for you to start. Admitting to yourself who you really are, can be such a liberating event. I look forward to hearing more of your successes in time to come, and please stay in touch and let us konw how you are coping.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Hi Catherine, and thanks for the reply.
I realize I may have gotten carried away with my introduction, silly me. You're right in saying that opening up is a big step - it sure feels like one. At the very least, it feels somewhat liberating, though I'm far away from taking any step towards, well, anything.
But you are right, that while the internet is good for gathering information, there is nothing better for me at this point than to speak to a therapist, so I think it's probably better to start doing that before any other step. Pretty sure my wife an I are going to have a little chat soon however, as I can't keep things like this from her, I want her to be aware of what I'm going through (after all, she's my wife so if there's anyone I should open up to, it's her).
By the way, when I said I had fear that I may hurt my daughter... I was actually talking about what would happen if I *don't* go through with a change. I'm afraid that the jealousy I mention would be towards her, and that other, deeper psychological pressures would push me to hurt her out of frustration. If there's anything growing up has shown me, it's that there is nothing impossible when it comes to "regular-looking people" suddenly breaking down and doing things you wouldn't imagine from them - and that's what I don't want to happen.
Still, I'd be happy to know if anyone has had an experience that's similar to mine, just to exchange ideas and thoughts...
Hi Lucky. If I were in your place, I would do nothing.... except to seek out the assistance of a well qualified therapist that you feel you can be completely honest with and that you believe you can work well with. Trust the process. All else will be reveal in due time.
Above all else, Don't Panic! And don't try to make these decisions on your own, and especially DO NOT make irreversible life altering decisions based on internet research.
Take extraordinary care of your wife and child. Be excellent to yourself!
Peace,
Miharu
Hi Lucky Me, :icon_wave:
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From what you describe I think you are suffering from excessive levels of testosterone. Testosterone is a very powerful drug (albeit a necessary one ) and can really screw with your mind. Just think about how quickly your mental state changes after orgasm and you'll realize just how much it does.
I can remember as a sixteen year old worrying that I might rape someone as I knew my T levels were driving my behavior so much. Although at the time I just thought I was weird.
When you add to that your experiences (and yours seem troubled) the result can leave you feeling very confused if you are normal.
As a first action I would go see your doctor. Tell him you feel you're controlled by your hormones, if you feel you are, and ask if he can give you anything to "calm you down" maybe anti-androgens?
Perhaps you may see things clearer when you are not so driven.
In my own case I didn't dress until I was thirty although the desire was there and when I did I knew it was what I had been searching for.
My first reaction was to ask what is wrong with being both Trans and weird? I don't really trust anyone who doesn't have a touch of eccentricity about them.
It is pretty standard advice but a good Gender Therapist can help sort out your questions, by showing you where to look for the answers. There are an infinite number of stops along the transition path so don't feel that there is any single "right way" to go.
When it comes to body modification genitalia is the last thing that will be changed, so I am afraid your wifes idea is pretty much back to front, and unlikely to happen. Transition is just about the hardest thing we can do in our lives, and not to be contemplated until all the other options have been considered. The costs, financial, social and within the family are incredibly high, so it is a good idea to take a measured, gradual approach.
You haven't mentioned your daughter's age, but from my experience, really young children can see it as just another magical transformation like a fairy story, or a Disney movie. When they get older, fear of peer pressure can cause problems, and there is the denial that parents even have a sexual side at all.
Have you discussed possible partial steps with your wife, like cross-dressing at home? Having her help you pick an outfit, doing make-up etc could be a way to do a trial run and see how comfortable you both are. From what I have seen in posts here and elsewhere, seeing their husband in a sexy neglige can be a big shock, and a good reality check on their reactions as well.
Could she see you as a 'woman with a penis' as all of us who are pre-op or non-op are?
Lots to think about, and nothing will happen in a hurry.
If you and your wife can see it as an opportunity to explore new aspects of your relationship, there is no reason why even deciding that you are not actually TS, should be a problem either.
Karen.
LuckyMe,
I've had a lot of the same thoughts you are having- I guess we're both trans AND weird? But yeah- The first step is therapy. It will help you figure out what you really want. :)
Hi LuckyMe, glad you found us! There are plenty of helpful folks here, you'll make friends quick here as well. See you around, hugs, Devlyn
Hey =]
Like other people have said a gender therapist is the way to go.
I'm not really sure if you are trans to be honest (and even if I was you might not be).
You see a big Indicator to myself has always been that since before I can remember I have thought I was a boy (I am FTM). It wasn't so bad around childhood but it became more evident and stressful at puberty. I was very envious of other guys going through changes if much rather have. I was very confused, I wanted to be someone's boyfriend not girlfriend. I could not identify with my body, i always felt disconnected from it somehow. I disliked girls clothes and longed to shop in the guys section. I wanted to grow up to be a man not a woman.
I'm not saying if you don't have any of that you can't be trans but I'm just trying to give you some of my background so you have something to compare with if you get me?.
The point is for me sex barely came into it, I NEEDED to be seen as the guy I was. That was the biggest thing for me, I needed people to recognise me as a man and not as the girl they saw.
I would take your time with this. You don't want to make a mistake for the sake of a sexual fantasy. Have you tried acting the girl in sex? As in dressing in female clothing?
Hey Lucky,
It seems like there are quite a few issues that you've asked out here but I always believe there's an answer to each and every questions that you have asked. :) When the time comes you'll feel more connected to yourself and do the right thing, not because it's what your family or wife wants, because that's exactly who you are.
I personally wouldn't recommend assuming your situation only by assessing with some materials that we read on-line. Seeing that I also come from the programming background, you can imagine the amount of research and analysis I've put together before taking that first tablet, or even visiting a medical professional.
What I would suggest, like so many of us have already talked about is to set up a meeting to see a therapist. Someone that is not going to intimidate you, but hear you out, assess your situation and ask you some questions that may help in making a decision about the direction, that you would likely be happy to take. Yes, there's not guarantee in anything, but if you put your mind, heart and soul into something I believe that you will succeed in anything you want. :)
In terms of an SRS without hormones, that could bring out another topic of discussion altogether. It's pretty much the opposite to what I believe it, hormones but without SRS. To me, what I have, what came with me when I arrived in this world is going to stay with me till the end of my life. The right medication is helping me achieve what I want and I know its different for everyone :)
So I wish you all the best and hope to give us all an update very soon.
Take care,
G
I just wanted to take a moment to update you guys. Yesterday, I opened up completely to my wife, told her what I was feeling and what I had been going through for the last month since she told me she would be open... And we've been talking about it ever since (well, when not sleeping or at work). She took it fairly well, not freaking out completely and not running out the door clutching our daughter, so that's a good start.
I asked her to talk to her own therapist for a referral (we all have our issues, her included), and it so happens that the colleague she got the number of is a sex therapist. Not sure whether she's familiar with GID and will be able to help, but we'll just have to see. I'll be calling her early next week for a first appointment.
I'd also like to reassure everyone that I will be taking this slowly and one step at a time, and that I'm definitely not completely set on any rash actions, thought me and my wife will be exploring a few things together, to both judge her own reactions to it, as well my own comfort.
I've only dressed as a woman once, back when I hung out with a group of friends that went to college (I didn't go myself), in support for the LGBH community at that college. Had a friend's bra (filled with paper towels, pretty lame I know), makeup and a wig... I don't exactly remember what my feelings were at that point as it was, oh, about 7 or 8 years ago, but I do know I wasn't feeling too uncomfortable, and it was a good experience. Also, as it happens, one of the guys in that group has now turned into a woman, so eventually if things go that way I'll probably get back into contact with her and her girlfriend (if they're still together) for support for me and my wife...
Thank you all for your thoughts and support, and I will keep you appraised of my progress as I go along.
Cheers!
Lucky
We seem to share some similarities in our stories. I too come from a broken home starting when I was 5, my mom went through several guys, none of which panned out. I was never beat or hurt by any of them though. My mom is also very immature for here age.
I'm in therapy now looking for answers. I first started just as you have by comparing other people's stories to my own and looking for similarities. I'm now starting to move away from the need for external validation and more towards internal validation. It has been a process though.
One of the more profound things uncovered in therapy was that I have lived my entire life (I'm 33 btw) in survival mode. Since I have been in survival mode all that time I have never had the time for self exploration (although I thought that I knew myself). All of my issues rose to the surface when I started college last year.
I too have some sexual fetishes/fantasies wrapped up into all of this and it does complicate things. Trying to untangle those feelings is very difficult. The only question I suggest you ask yourself, although I'm sure there are more, is once you relieve your sexual tension does your desire to be a woman disappear or only subside? That's a very subtle difference I know but it might give you something to think about.
My standard disclaimer: I am not doctor or mental health professional. These are my opinions nothing more.
The purpose of my post here is twofold. The first is to show you that you aren't alone, and the second is to give you some food for thought.
I hope that this helps. Best wishes and Good luck!
The more time passes, the more I'm starting to realize that there's something more to it than just a fantasy. I've been looking at the world differently and every day seems like a step towards seeing myself as a woman. Perhaps, like some, I've really built a wall around that part of me, partly because of trauma in my teens (was "mildly" sexually assaulted by a pedophile, that was actually my first sexual experience), my natural shyness (reject at school, not too many friends, moved around a lot so didn't have many close friends)...
But as I look back on my life, I realize that there have been specific moments that were a foreshadowing of today: I very intensily debated with myself to steal some of my mother's hormones after she menopaused, wanting to grow breasts. My shaving my legs for no actual reason other than to feel the change. My preference to long hair (though I keep it short because of the halfway stage where I can't tie it up... plus my hair has no volume so it's not that pretty when long).
It seems like the picture in my head is growing more precise, more defined. I'm seeing other women more objectively, asking myself whether I'd pass, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering what kind of changes would be necessary for me to look like a woman.
It helps a lot, and I mean absolutely marvelously, that my wife seems to be taking it well enough. We've been talking and talking about it, sometimes seriously about the steps to transitionning, other times being silly about whether or not I would fit in her clothe or even her bras. I can tell that she's having a hard time with it and it's a little bit of a roller coaster, but at the same time it seems like we've grown closer together, more loving and more understanding.
I'm going to be calling a therapist tomorrow and I'm hoping it will go well. I'll keep you all appraised of the progress I'm going to be making.
Hi Lucky.
Congratulations. You are doing a good job in analysing your earlier life, and putting things into perspective. It's good you've recognised some of the coping mechanism you've employed to survive the trauma of the abuse. I don't care whether it was mild, medium, or strong. The fact it was; ensures the reprehensible nature of the offence. Once the act is perpetrated you are damaged goods for life, irrespective of the counseling/forgiveness whatever goes on.
I very much relate to that exact situation, however mine was extreme. It was by many over a 5 year period in early teens. It's only been the last 5 years that the walls have been penetrated to reveal the carnage that occurred. That equates to over 40 years in emotional lockdown. My therapist has been amazed at the coping mechanisms and defences I've have built to ensure I was never to be hurt again. If this isn't liberation I don't know what it is.
Hope you are able to build rapport with your therapist so he/she is able to bring out the best in you. Keep the authentic communication channels open within your circle of trust, and you'll be amazed at the person you find within. I sense she will be an awesome woman of astounding capabilities.
Keep positive and open and I'll guarantee a life of amazing opportunities. Keep in touch, in the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Continued in MTF Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,123437.0.html)