Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Ltl89 on August 22, 2013, 11:25:47 PM

Title: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 22, 2013, 11:25:47 PM
I'm honestly at a standstill.  I no longer know what to do.  No matter how hard I try, I don't get offered jobs.  Recently, I have gone on a few interviews, and I have one tomorrow, but no one wants to hire me at all.  It's been almost a year since I've had work, and I don't know what else to do.  Honestly, I have applied to over 1,000 jobs and no one wants me.  And none of my interviews have gone well or at least helped me secure a position.  The only opportunity I have available to me is a temp job that will last for about 2 months, but it hasn't started yet and I'm don't know if I can really place two months on my resume.  While there may be a chance for me to be move to another practice that is affiliated with them, I'm doubtful.  I no longer know what to do.  I just can't take having nothing anymore.  I've tried everything and no one wants me.  Not even jobs for children and I have a college degree with multiple honors, recommendations from politicians and plenty of academic awards.  All of my former background and so called contacts aren't able to help me nd no one is willing to give me a chance.  Believe me, I've tried everything I can.  I've worked so hard to get somewhere, and I got nowhere as a result.  At this point, its hard to feel like anything other than a severe loser.  I hate admitting that I have suicidal thoughts as I'm always trying to help others, but I do.  I'm no stronger than anyone else.  I'm a total fraud.  And I have to admit sometimes I write things to cheer people up knowing that these positive happy thoughts can't be applied to myself and it hurts.  Others will find a better tomorrow, so please don't see my post as validation that life sucks cause it can and will get better for you, but I'm doubtful it ever will for me.  Simply put, I'm not good enough and lack potential like others do.  I'm not going to do any rash and hurt myself as I know that's wrong, but I honestly don't see the point in sticking around sometimes.  It's just a repeat of a negative on going story.  Even though I know it's not the right way to feel and won't implement it, I can't help but feel how nice it would be to go to sleep without ever waking up again and dealing with the emotional pain. If I can't get a job at a minimum wage retail store, I won't get anything.  Besides the finance fear, it's the sheer fact that I have nothing going on and have had nothing going for me in such a long time.  I'm completely useless and I suck at everythin.  I really don't have a life.  And while transitioning is great, sometimes I wonder if it will only make me more of a social reject.  sure, I may feel better about myself, but it gives others another reason to put me down or reject me. Let's be honest, transitioining can make it harder to fit in. And I'm tired of all the rejection, aimlessness, loneliness.  I don't want to be a loser anymore.  And I tried talking to my family tonight and they only got mad at me for crying.  I pretty much got mocked for crying and kicked out my living room.  I asked a family member for a hug and all I got was anger for asking while crying.  I understand people get confused and scared when they don't know how to react and help, but christ how about a little compassion.  And I don't want to bother my friends with this stuff.  So, I'm sorry for getting it out here, but I don't know where to go or what to do.  I just had to get it out somewhere. 

P.S.  Again, I don't want others here to take my grief as a sign that your life can't improve.  Believe me, many of you are wonderful people with much potential and a lot to look forward to.  My story is different and should not be seen as a validation for negative thoughts or beliefs.  I've tried all the roads and done what I could to better myself, and the roads have all led to failure.  I'm different than you so please don't use my post as validation for suicidal intentions or negative thinking. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Heather on August 23, 2013, 12:36:06 AM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 22, 2013, 11:25:47 PM
I hate admitting that I have suicidal thoughts as I'm always trying to help others, but I do.  I'm no stronger than anyone else.  I'm a total fraud.  And I have to admit sometimes I write things to cheer people up knowing that these positive happy thoughts can't be applied to myself and it hurts.
LTL I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You try to cheer up other people despite all the hardships you are going through at this time. I personally think you have a lot of strength and are a good person.
I don't think your alone in having suicidal thoughts I think most people have them at some point in their life. And especially people who are transitioning their is a lot of fear involved in transitioning from will how will everybody accept me to will anybody look at me and see a woman. And there is a huge difference in having suicidal thoughts and suicidal intentions. Just because you have a thought about something doesn't mean your actually suicidal. Now if you start writing out suicide notes or actually planning out your suicide then I suggest you seek help asap. But your just under a lot of stress right now and your body and mind are undergoing drastic changes right now from hrt. So it's perfectly understandable that you would have these thoughts.
Just don't let theses fears and doubts get to you. You will find a job someday and your life will move on all the work you have put in will pay off I assure you that. Your smart and your a good person as long as you keep a positive attitude you'll go far in life that I promise. So please don't call yourself a loser because your anything but a loser.  ;)
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: MadeleineG on August 23, 2013, 12:38:49 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these challenges. And frankly shocked. You're brilliant, my dear! I'd say self-evidently if I didn't consider claims of self-evidence specious. :D

My advice, for what it's worth: forget the job market. The legal market is in the tank and civil service is an Oroboros you're better off avoiding. Apply for a nice fat grant, go back to school, do a PhD, and publish as if your life depended on it. That way, you delay your work search until much later in your transition and, assuming you can carve a salable niche, give yourself the freedom to go academic of practical.

Just a thought. Now where's my penny!!?

Maddy, who solved the job problem by moving where demand was high and supply was low: a small town on the frozen tundra with significant socioeconomic challenges.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Devlyn on August 23, 2013, 06:00:08 AM
Big hug! Hotlines, girl, we need you around. You're at the beginning of your life, not the end. Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Phoenix_2812 on August 23, 2013, 06:27:23 AM
The title of this topic just about describes me to a 'T'. Although, my depression isn't considered severe, I have had random suicidal thoughts for some time. I've also been out of work for some time, more like 8 and a half years though. The government in the U.K. have been saying for years that there is a "hidden jobs market" out there. All they are saying is that you have to look deeper if you want to find jobs. They also say to try speculative applications in the hopes that someone is looking for people. The only problem there, is that pretty much all of the jobs available are advertised. I really hate it when people say "get a job", as if you can just go out and say "I want that job". It really pisses me off. >:( Not only that, but the government are forever spending millions/billions on private companies that don't have the proper ability to get people into work. >:( >:( No wonder people go through depression when they're unemployed.

Chris
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ciara on August 23, 2013, 12:02:50 PM
Hi LTL,
You are not a loser.
You are not a fraud
You have lots of potential

I know that you are having a tough time right now. It happens to everyone at different times throughout our lives. But it will get better. Right now I too can do nothing right. Everything I touch goes pear shaped. But I know that it will get better.
Do you have any active hobbies that you can focus on? Hobbies an interests can be great to get you up and out and active. They also help you meet friends with similar interests AND they help your resume.

You are not a loser or a fraud. You are one of the most wonderful girls I have met on this forum.

Take care,
Love,
Ciara.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on August 23, 2013, 12:52:13 PM
Welcome to my world, LTL.  I have not had work since last year, and I can not get a job ether.

I am a certified vet tech and even though the market is open, I can't get a break.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Athena on August 23, 2013, 01:36:10 PM
Heh LTL when I try to help talk people off the edge here on Susan's , I do so where the only thing I am really looking forward to is when I take my own life (my hope is that the person backs away from the edge safely ). You aren't a fraud for trying to help others.
As for the job situation take the 2 month job if you don't find anything else in the mean time, it seems to be easier to find work when you are already working. Taking that temp job means 2 months of working that's 1 step towards where you want to be.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 02:23:31 PM
Thanks for the replies everyone.  I will read them when I feel a little better.  So good news and bad news.

The good news is I had an interview this morning and it went well.  I have to wait a few weeks before I hear back, but I may have something.

The bad news is I'm still in a major funk.  I hate to admit this, but I feel it's better to get it out.  I spent a good portion of today looking up painless suicide methods and ways to end things peacefully.  I won't do it, but at the same time I just don't see a path forward in my life and sometimes the thought is a little "freeing".   Though, I acknowledge I'm in a irrational mind frame at the moment and that wouldn't be the right thing to do.  It's just something we all have to go through from time to time in order to reach better days.  My family has even caught on and they toned down their anger at me for being depressed and crying. They even seem concerned which surprised me because my mom seemed legitimately mad at me yesterday for crying and asking her for help and ashoulder to cry on. Though they left me home alone, so I doubt they are too worried.  In any event,  I'm just sort of in this horrible depressed funk and feel very physically sick as well.  But please don't be concerned, I will be okay even though I feeling down and depressed.  I'm just writing this to get my thoughts out there for therapeutic reasons.  I won't hurt myself and will continue to fight the long fight.  I just hope one day I will win.

Quote from: Glitterfly on August 22, 2013, 11:32:52 PM
*hugs* I'm really sorry you feel that way and I'm really sad you haven't found a job though you've been trying so hard... I wish your family would show understanding love and compassion and not add to your grief... :( They really have no right to mock you for being sad, that's just cruel... I really hope things turn out better for you soon. I hope you find a job soon!

They are good people.  My mom just doesn't know how to react in these situations as she feels helpless.  In turn that makes her angry and annoyed.  Though, she doesn't mean any ill will.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 22, 2013, 11:43:58 PM
Actually, it's kinda hard to get such a job...they want really low-intelligence, nearly brain-dead people who are reasonably honest but not bright enough to question store policies.

I would suggest staying out of the for-profit market. In my experience....well, let's just say I am disgusted beyond belief at what passes for ethics in that career line.

In the past 25 years, I've only worked at not-for-profits and gov'ts...NFP's are generally more open to LGBT people (in fact, one was quite dominated by them) and gov'ts are required to use civil-service processes to hire people...and there is no significant discrimination...if you apply and score high enough (most people do), you take a written test...if you score in the top few percents (usually to give about 50-100 advanced applicants to the gov't), you go on to either/both a physical test and a panel interview, then (if you pass that) to a one-on-one interview.

That's when you get put into a "pool" of names based on all the scores; you may be #14 out of 40, for example. When a job opening happens, they just start calling...and believe it or not, sometimes they run out of names! So even if you're the last one on the list it doesn't mean you won't get offered the job. (It does take several months typically to get offered a job, assuming you passed everything. They will let you know one way or another)

And gov't jobs typically pay pretty well.  ;) And they don't care about LGBT status, just that you're able to do the work.

Something to think about.

I've tried plenty of non profits, but I should try harder with government jobs.  Thanks for the tip.

Quote from: Heather on August 23, 2013, 12:36:06 AM
LTL I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You try to cheer up other people despite all the hardships you are going through at this time. I personally think you have a lot of strength and are a good person.
I don't think your alone in having suicidal thoughts I think most people have them at some point in their life. And especially people who are transitioning their is a lot of fear involved in transitioning from will how will everybody accept me to will anybody look at me and see a woman. And there is a huge difference in having suicidal thoughts and suicidal intentions. Just because you have a thought about something doesn't mean your actually suicidal. Now if you start writing out suicide notes or actually planning out your suicide then I suggest you seek help asap. But your just under a lot of stress right now and your body and mind are undergoing drastic changes right now from hrt. So it's perfectly understandable that you would have these thoughts.
Just don't let theses fears and doubts get to you. You will find a job someday and your life will move on all the work you have put in will pay off I assure you that. Your smart and your a good person as long as you keep a positive attitude you'll go far in life that I promise. So please don't call yourself a loser because your anything but a loser.  ;)

I appreciate your kind words Heather.  You're a good a person.  However, I really don't know if I can believe my life will improve and that I'm not a loser.  I believe you are very sincere in your words, but I don't know if I can believe that myself.

Quote from: Fairy Princess with a Death Ray on August 23, 2013, 12:38:49 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing these challenges. And frankly shocked. You're brilliant, my dear! I'd say self-evidently if I didn't consider claims of self-evidence specious. :D

My advice, for what it's worth: forget the job market. The legal market is in the tank and civil service is an Oroboros you're better off avoiding. Apply for a nice fat grant, go back to school, do a PhD, and publish as if your life depended on it. That way, you delay your work search until much later in your transition and, assuming you can carve a salable niche, give yourself the freedom to go academic of practical.

Just a thought. Now where's my penny!!?

Maddy, who solved the job problem by moving where demand was high and supply was low: a small town on the frozen tundra with significant socioeconomic challenges.

I do plan on going back to school, but I don't know what to do in the meantime.  I just feel lost and helpless.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 23, 2013, 06:00:08 AM
Big hug! Hotlines, girl, we need you around. You're at the beginning of your life, not the end. Hugs, Devlyn

I agree.  It isn't the end.  I just don't know if it will ever really begin if that makes sense.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Devlyn on August 23, 2013, 02:28:15 PM
As they say, the longest journey starts with the first step. I think your funk is caused by the overwhelming task before you, but you can climb that hill. One tiny step at a time and you will reach the top. We'll walk with you. Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 02:32:31 PM
Quote from: Phoenix_2812 on August 23, 2013, 06:27:23 AM
The title of this topic just about describes me to a 'T'. Although, my depression isn't considered severe, I have had random suicidal thoughts for some time. I've also been out of work for some time, more like 8 and a half years though. The government in the U.K. have been saying for years that there is a "hidden jobs market" out there. All they are saying is that you have to look deeper if you want to find jobs. They also say to try speculative applications in the hopes that someone is looking for people. The only problem there, is that pretty much all of the jobs available are advertised. I really hate it when people say "get a job", as if you can just go out and say "I want that job". It really pisses me off. >:( Not only that, but the government are forever spending millions/billions on private companies that don't have the proper ability to get people into work. >:( >:( No wonder people go through depression when they're unemployed.

Chris

I'm sorry you're in a similar boat.  :(

Hopefully, you will find something nice soon.

Quote from: Ciara on August 23, 2013, 12:02:50 PM
Hi LTL,
You are not a loser.
You are not a fraud
You have lots of potential

I know that you are having a tough time right now. It happens to everyone at different times throughout our lives. But it will get better. Right now I too can do nothing right. Everything I touch goes pear shaped. But I know that it will get better.
Do you have any active hobbies that you can focus on? Hobbies an interests can be great to get you up and out and active. They also help you meet friends with similar interests AND they help your resume.

You are not a loser or a fraud. You are one of the most wonderful girls I have met on this forum.

Take care,
Love,
Ciara.

Thank you for the kind words.  I do believe you are sincere, but as I said to Heather, those statements are something I can't accept myself.  There is too much uncertainty in life, and I see no sign that my life will improve.

I don't really have too many outdoor hobbies at the moment.  I used to do volunteer work, but I have stopped doing those things.  I just feel stuck.  And I do have great friends, but I fear I annoy them and try not to bother them as much as possible. 

Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on August 23, 2013, 12:52:13 PM
Welcome to my work, LTL.  I have not had work since last year, and I can not get a job ether.

I am a certified vet tech and even though the market is open, I can get a break.

I'm very sorry you are going through the same thing.   :(

Quote from: White Rabbit on August 23, 2013, 01:36:10 PM
Heh LTL when I try to help talk people off the edge here on Susan's , I do so where the only thing I am really looking forward to is when I take my own life (my hope is that the person backs away from the edge safely ). You aren't a fraud for trying to help others.
As for the job situation take the 2 month job if you don't find anything else in the mean time, it seems to be easier to find work when you are already working. Taking that temp job means 2 months of working that's 1 step towards where you want to be.

Yeah, I plan on taking the temp position.  In the meantime, there is a position that might open up for me in September and another possibly in October.  Things have been so screwed up that I can't say with any certainty.  There is a small possibility the temp thing could lead to further employment as well, but I'm doubtful.  My luck has shown me that no one in this economy wants me and that I'm simply not good enough. 

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 23, 2013, 02:28:15 PM
As they say, the longest journey starts with the first step. I think your funk is caused by the overwhelming task before you, but you can climb that hill. One tiny step at a time and you will reach the top. We'll walk with you. Hugs, Devlyn

You're a good person Devlyn.  Thanks. :)
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Heather on August 23, 2013, 03:03:52 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 23, 2013, 02:23:31 PM
I appreciate your kind words Heather.  You're a good a person.  However, I really don't know if I can believe my life will improve and that I'm not a loser.  I believe you are very sincere in your words, but I don't know if I can believe that myself.
Your still young you have your whole life ahead of you to give up now would make no sense at all. You will get a job eventually have you tried looking for jobs outside the state you live in. I don't know what your degree is in? But try searching for jobs where there is a high demand for people with your type of degree.
Do you have a therapist? Being on hrt can make you more depressed because your mind is having to adjust to the new way of dealing with emotions. Don't trust your feelings all the time they can trick you into thinking they are real when they are not. If you are actually planning on killing yourself please get help. You shouldn't just write your life off just yet. You just have the bad luck like a lot of people your age of coming into a job market where not a lot of hiring is taking place. Don't give up hope the job market will eventually improve and especially as the older generation retires leaving businesses desperate to fill jobs because there is not enough of the younger people to replace them all.
LTL it will get better your still very young and life will get better I promise. Nothing lasts forever including economic downturns things will turn around for you.  :)
   
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: mrs izzy on August 23, 2013, 03:16:17 PM
I am so sorry you have been cursed with the ability to see what the future brings. Sorry you have to see what your life is going to be in the future. Sorry you know today what going forward will look like. I guess you also know how everyone that knows you will feel inside if you take the easy way out. I am truly sorry you have this ability to see everything that will come in your life and others.



Ok how stupid is all this that i wrote?
I have seen this time and time again and it is sad......No one know anything about the future other then the fact our actions effect everything in the future. There is a ripple effect. I am sorry you are having a hard time finding a job. One of my "normal" friends in the states that has 3 young children, wife and yes a dog has not worked in 4 years. Lost there home and moved into public houseing, on welfare and foodstamps. Think this makes him want to give up? Hell yes but he will not put that burden on his family (ripple effect). He still look towards getting past all this bad goverment, world bad economy, big company greed and get back to living the dream someday. He just takes life one day at a time and rolls with the punches. I was where you are, everything so dark and there is not way out. Nothing will ever work, guess what if you give up you give up. But if you keep rolling with the punches you can get out of this FUNK and move on to a great life. Yes for me life is one of the greatest gifts we have as humans.

I spent the last 2 days at the Montreal surgery center and i seen a few of our sisters and brothers with smiles on there faces, do you think they wished to give up at some point in there transition?

Stay safe, tomorrow might be as bad or worst then today, but the next day could be the day your life turnes around. There is a turn around day.

All my love and support
Izzy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 03:41:52 PM
Quote from: Heather on August 23, 2013, 03:03:52 PM
Your still young you have your whole life ahead of you to give up now would make no sense at all. You will get a job eventually have you tried looking for jobs outside the state you live in. I don't know what your degree is in? But try searching for jobs where there is a high demand for people with your type of degree.
Do you have a therapist? Being on hrt can make you more depressed because your mind is having to adjust to the new way of dealing with emotions. Don't trust your feelings all the time they can trick you into thinking they are real when they are not. If you are actually planning on killing yourself please get help. You shouldn't just write your life off just yet. You just have the bad luck like a lot of people your age of coming into a job market where not a lot of hiring is taking place. Don't give up hope the job market will eventually improve and especially as the older generation retires leaving businesses desperate to fill jobs because there is not enough of the younger people to replace them all.
LTL it will get better your still very young and life will get better I promise. Nothing lasts forever including economic downturns things will turn around for you.  :)
   

I do have a therapist, though I have been able to afford visiting her lately.  I do have an appointment next week though.

My degree is in political science.  I made the mistake off studying what I was most passionate about,lol. 

Thanks for the positive thoughts.  I hope I will be able to believe them and apply them to myself one day. :)

Quote from: mind is quiet now on August 23, 2013, 03:16:17 PM
I am so sorry you have been cursed with the ability to see what the future brings. Sorry you have to see what your life is going to be in the future. Sorry you know today what going forward will look like. I guess you also know how everyone that knows you will feel inside if you take the easy way out. I am truly sorry you have this ability to see everything that will come in your life and others.



Ok how stupid is all this that i wrote?
I have seen this time and time again and it is sad......No one know anything about the future other then the fact our actions effect everything in the future. There is a ripple effect. I am sorry you are having a hard time finding a job. One of my "normal" friends in the states that has 3 young children, wife and yes a dog has not worked in 4 years. Lost there home and moved into public houseing, on welfare and foodstamps. Think this makes him want to give up? Hell yes but he will not put that burden on his family (ripple effect). He still look towards getting past all this bad goverment, world bad economy, big company greed and get back to living the dream someday. He just takes life one day at a time and rolls with the punches. I was where you are, everything so dark and there is not way out. Nothing will ever work, guess what if you give up you give up. But if you keep rolling with the punches you can get out of this FUNK and move on to a great life. Yes for me life is one of the greatest gifts we have as humans.

I spent the last 2 days at the Montreal surgery center and i seen a few of our sisters and brothers with smiles on there faces, do you think they wished to give up at some point in there transition?

Stay safe, tomorrow might be as bad or worst then today, but the next day could be the day your life turnes around. There is a turn around day.

All my love and support
Izzy

Part of me knows you're right, but another part has realized that I'm going nowhere fast despite my efforts to get employed.  1,000 resumes should have got me somewhere.  It's the whole uncertainty of life and realizing that things have not been improving despite having taking efforts to make things better.  I wish I could just snap out of the negative thinking, but I'm fairly confident things won't improve in the near future judging by my past experience.  Yet, I also realize having suicidal thoughts and feeling depressed is far from rational behavior, so I know I'm not thinking in the best way I could.  However, it's how I am thinking and I don't know what to do anymore.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: mrs izzy on August 23, 2013, 04:48:52 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 23, 2013, 03:41:52 PM

Part of me knows you're right, but another part has realized that I'm going nowhere fast despite my efforts to get employed.  1,000 resumes should have got me somewhere.  It's the whole uncertainty of life and realizing that things have not been improving despite having taking efforts to make things better.  I wish I could just snap out of the negative thinking, but I'm fairly confident things won't improve in the near future judging by my past experience.  Yet, I also realize having suicidal thoughts and feeling depressed is far from rational behavior, so I know I'm not thinking in the best way I could.  However, it's how I am thinking and I don't know what to do anymore.

I am not here to say you are right or wrong. I am here to say it is not as bad as your mind makes it to be. I know the feeling you have, and i know it is hard to clear things in your mind just for a moment sometimes. You need to find something to break the cycle. In my own personal mind back then i knew 1000% that where i am today would never happen. Well i almost made that come true. Just in a very wrong way.
I been at this a long time, I was in that darkness for many years and everyday seems there is not end in sight. I have been trying to find that magical word, something i can say to anyone who is where you are and make it all better. I have failed, all i have to give is my life that i can share with others and try to make sure that the darkness never will win again.

Hugs and as others know here i am holding the light in the darkness, please step away from the darkness and back into the light. We all care and sure need another sister always.

Izzy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Yuki-jker86 on August 23, 2013, 05:00:57 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 22, 2013, 11:25:47 PM
Even though I know it's not the right way to feel and won't implement it, I can't help but feel how nice it would be to go to sleep without ever waking up again and dealing with the emotional pain.
I feel like you just stuck a knife in my heart. please don't take yourself out of my life. I've only just met you and I don't want to lose that.  I may never be amazing friends with you, but I have benefited from reading your posts and it would make me so incredibly sad to experience you leaving this world.
you are so so valuable, your being, your body your mind, they are amazing. you are a gift to the world, like each one of us.

anyway.... I have been unemployed since I left university. that was 2008. I don't want you to think that being trans will prevent you from working, I think what I want to give to you is permission to work as anything you want to. You have my permission and I hope that is enough for you to see my point of view and give yourself permission.
you don't have to work as what society tells you to work as.
you have a light inside you. a talent. something great. something you can do well.
pursue what makes you happy. do it if it makes you money or if it brings you peanuts. even if all you get is sore muscles or tired eyes, it will give you something more valuable. it will give you your sense of joy.
if you don't yet know what your passion is, try all sorts of different things. explore.
don't concern yourself so much with the money. when you do something you love and start to show your potential, you will be able to find a way to make money from what you can do.


there are two people, one is sitting on the floor begging for food. the other is out in the field tending to the crop and eating the fruits of the labour.  which are you?
what I mean is, do you ask others to give you your livelihood or do you make your own livelihood?
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on August 23, 2013, 05:17:22 PM
In the words of Dr. Lector "The world is much more interesting with you in it"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09TAIcCqFpg
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Rachel on August 23, 2013, 06:10:27 PM
Go to a hospital job board and University job board and look under housekeeping, grounds keeper and kitchen help wanted. Also, check out a janitorial company for night cleaners. 

Lack of a job is a major source of stress due to lack of money and self worth. You are an honest, caring person and you are not a job. You are you and we care deeply about you.

I work in a Hospital. I was in an elevator (leaving an Oncology ward) and One parent was talking to another. She had despair in her face, looking down she said to the other parent. They are going to give him chemo again for a week to put the cancer back into remission. No one was speaking and the ride took forever. Point, live for all those who struggled to live, with every ounce of their life, but their life ran out. Children faced with the most challenging health issues  never give up. 

Tip, always give an interviewer a present. it is a mental connection and the gift can be insignificant. Perhaps a beautiful framed picture of a landscape (inexpensive) with your contact information on the back. Show them your contact info on the back and hand them the picture. If they say they cannot accept a gift, tell them it is your business card. Smile and ask them to please accept your business card.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: MadeleineG on August 23, 2013, 06:17:10 PM
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on August 23, 2013, 06:10:27 PM
Tip, always give an interviewer a present. it is a mental connection and the gift can be insignificant. Perhaps a beautiful framed picture of a landscape (inexpensive) with your contact information on the back. Show them your contact info on the back and hand them the picture. If they say they cannot accept a gift, tell them it is your business card. Smile and ask them to please accept your business card.

If someone offered me a gift during an interview, they would be effectively writing themselves off. It comes off as an attempt to bribe.


Maddy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 06:26:05 PM
Everyone sorry for being overemotional today.  I'm just in a bad place and trying to get out of it.  Maybe the hormones don't help in this regard because I can't stop crying (it's been non stop the past 2 days).  But I'm really trying hard.  It's just I don't see a future with all the unemployment, issues with my family, lack of a love life, pissing off all my friends all the time, and general aimlessness of my life.  I won't hurt myself, so don't think I will, but I am just in a irrational mindset that is telling me nothing will ever get better, no one will ever like you, no one will ever employ you.  I just don't know how to feel confident and actually make positive changes anymore because my attempts consistently fail.  I try to help others and do good on this site, but I fail at that too.  Again, I will still be here and won't do anything, but I can't absorb the positive messages as I've tried to improve things in my life and keep failing.  Though, I do have a temp job so I suppose that's something.   
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on August 23, 2013, 06:29:56 PM
Hang in, LTL.  It will get better. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: mrs izzy on August 23, 2013, 06:42:36 PM
Just please step back a second and look at where you are today. Can you honestly say you have not made progress on anything from when you started?


I love everyone of my GID sisters and brothers, my extended family. I wish this world was just a little smaller so i could give real life hugs to all.

Hugs
Izzy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: MadeleineG on August 23, 2013, 07:44:36 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 23, 2013, 06:26:05 PM
I can't absorb the positive messages as I've tried to improve things in my life and keep failing.

Too bad. I'm going to bombard you with positive messages anyways.

LtL is eloquent, analytical, thoughtful, driven, pugnacious (which is a good thing!), deliberate, critical (which is a very good thing!), playful, and fun. Stop flagellating or I'll carpet-bomb you with more adjectives. :P

Quote from: mind is quiet now on August 23, 2013, 06:42:36 PM
I love everyone of my GID sisters and brothers, my extended family. I wish this world was just a little smaller so i could give real life hugs to all.

I keep thinking how wonderful it would if we all met in real life! There would be many hugs and much love.

Maddy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: JLT1 on August 23, 2013, 09:57:17 PM
A few month's back, we hired a couple of temps.  One had an MS degree and was working constructionwhile the other had a PhD and was waiting tables. I looked at that as a positive and they started in the temp position. Last Friday, we hired them both as regular full-time employees.  It's a start.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 10:20:47 PM
Thanks everyone.  I'm wondering if this is a chemical reactin because I have been sick and feeling flu like symptoms in addition to the depression and constant crying.  I've been feeling like passing out all day. Maybe this is just a phase of me learning how to deal with the emotions hormones can cause as it was brought on by the unemployment thing.  Now its like a physical sickness along with the depression.  I'm hoping this is all normal.

Quote from: JLT1 on August 23, 2013, 09:57:17 PM
A few month's back, we hired a couple of temps.  One had an MS degree and was working constructionwhile the other had a PhD and was waiting tables. I looked at that as a positive and they started in the temp position. Last Friday, we hired them both as regular full-time employees.  It's a start.

Thanks.  That makes me feel better to know.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Jamie D on August 23, 2013, 10:33:35 PM
Quote from: Fairy Princess with a Death Ray on August 23, 2013, 07:44:36 PM

LtL is eloquent, analytical, thoughtful, driven, pugnacious (which is a good thing!), deliberate, critical (which is a very good thing!), playful, and fun. Stop flagellating or I'll carpet-bomb you with more adjectives. :P

Maddy

You left out "sweetheart."   :)  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: TheLance on August 23, 2013, 10:38:39 PM
It's definitely normal (at least in my world) to become physically sick because of depression, stress, or any other extreme emotions. I get dizzy and nauseous, and I shake a little and feel weak. It's hard to not let this happen. I've actually been feeling like that the past few days...anyway, point is, don't panic, It's normal, just something you have to learn to control.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Aina on August 23, 2013, 11:37:25 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 23, 2013, 10:20:47 PM
Thanks everyone.  I'm wondering if this is a chemical reactin because I have been sick and feeling flu like symptoms in addition to the depression and constant crying.  I've been feeling like passing out all day. Maybe this is just a phase of me learning how to deal with the emotions hormones can cause as it was brought on by the unemployment thing.  Now its like a physical sickness along with the depression.  I'm hoping this is all normal.

Thanks.  That makes me feel better to know.

I hope you feel better LtL, all I can say is don't give up - finding a job is really tough. I got a part time graphic design job this summer - this is my first job in years  and I mean years. Last summer was so bad I was mowing yards for my neighbors and off and on through the years I've only had retail jobs that never really last or were just bad.

Just keep sending emails out to places your interested in. My Dad always said "eventually you'll be in the right place at the right time." I am wishing for your success! -hugs-
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 23, 2013, 11:42:22 PM
Quote from: TheLance on August 23, 2013, 10:38:39 PM
It's definitely normal (at least in my world) to become physically sick because of depression, stress, or any other extreme emotions. I get dizzy and nauseous, and I shake a little and feel weak. It's hard to not let this happen. I've actually been feeling like that the past few days...anyway, point is, don't panic, It's normal, just something you have to learn to control.

I'm hoping you're right.  It would be preferable if there was a more chemical component to this and I just need to learn how to deal with it.  Honestly, I haven't been myself and it's a very weird feeling because it's been a very bad and bizzare reaction.  I've been crying like a crazy person and just losing the will in general. 

Well, I'm off to bed thanks to melatonin.  Hopefully, I will be able to wake up and feel better.

Quote from: Aina on August 23, 2013, 11:37:25 PM
I hope you feel better LtL, all I can say is don't give up - finding a job is really tough. I got a part time graphic design job this summer - this is my first job in years  and I mean years. Last summer was so bad I was mowing yards for my neighbors and off and on through the years I've only had retail jobs that never really last or were just bad.

Just keep sending emails out to places your interested in. My Dad always said "eventually you'll be in the right place at the right time." I am wishing for your success! -hugs-

Thanks.  I hope you are right. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Rachel on August 24, 2013, 06:49:51 AM
Do you think a walk in a park would get you out and about and be uplifting? Perhaps volunteering at a hospital would get you in a work place and make connections even though not collecting a check. If you could volunteer to deliver Hospital Mail you would see so much and be able to make an opportunity.



Examples of a small psychological gifts are:
Pen with your contact info,
Index sized picture  (nature) with contact info,
Cool calendar with your contact info on it,
A recordable greeting card with a thank your for the interview and reinforced desire for the position.

The point is stand out and be noticed as creative, motivated and team oriented.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 24, 2013, 11:49:10 AM
A little update.  I'm feeling a little better today.  I won't say I'm no longer a mess, but a good nights sleep really helped me out.  For example, I haven't felt the need to cry today.  I'm starting to think it is a combination of hormonal influences and my shambled life.  Perhaps I just need to learn how to deal with my issues better know that I have an increased emotional capacity.  Though, the underlining cause is my messed up life, so I am going to have to figure out a way to fix that if I will get better.  Unfortunately, I don't really see a path for that, but I'll keep trying. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on August 24, 2013, 01:49:52 PM
I ran across an interesting article.

Op-ed: What's Wrong With Executive Recruiters? (http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/08/22/op-ed-whats-wrong-executive-recruiters)

I met my first out transgender candidate for a corporate position 13 years ago. We had arranged to meet at a coffee shop north of Los Angeles, and I awaited our rendezvous with some trepidation. At precisely 10 a.m. a very tall and stylishly dressed woman arrived for our meeting. Ms. R, as I will call her, would not have passed easily as a woman. She had the broad shoulders and height of an athlete and a resonant voice.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Jumpingcats on August 24, 2013, 02:21:48 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 24, 2013, 11:49:10 AM
A little update.  I'm feeling a little better today.  I won't say I'm no longer a mess, but a good nights sleep really helped me out.  For example, I haven't felt the need to cry today.  I'm starting to think it is a combination of hormonal influences and my shambled life.  Perhaps I just need to learn how to deal with my issues better know that I have an increased emotional capacity.  Though, the underlining cause is my messed up life, so I am going to have to figure out a way to fix that if I will get better.  Unfortunately, I don't really see a path for that, but I'll keep trying.

I just noticed this thread and your original post. I've been in a similar boat, pretty much unemployed for a year, pretty sure i've filled out more than a 1000 job applications. I graduated college 6 months ago, started HRT as a gift to myself, then abruptly had to stop because couldn't find employment and lost my housing. A lot of us are in this situation of not enough experience or getting told were to overqualified. It might help to know your not alone and others are having trouble as well. My-self, I've been having trouble with fighting suicidal thoughts as well. I know how you feel. Im currently living in a motel and soon will be in my car. :/



Some tips that have helped me get interviews though:
-When you talk to the company/person in charge of hiring, you'll want to have a "elevator pitch" you can tell them. After I've been applying to businesses, I've been going in and asking for an interview. I've kept going in and following up unless they told me "no were not going to hire you". Thats been getting interviews, and 2nd interviews after that. I've yet to land a job yet , but I keep getting to the third or 2nd stage interview.

I saw a work shop actually a few days ago on interviewing and job resumes, maybe this will help:
For example:
-I worked three years in customer service and a cashier building relationships with clients helping to increase the companies profits.
-Business Administration degree that taught me Accounting and past work experience helping complete payroll and helping company process time cards.
-etc

Use bulleted points that show your experience and how it benefited previous companies you worked for. You'll want to do that in your cover letter and resume. You'll want to get their attention and be able to convey that what you can offer is something they are looking for.

During the interview, you'll want to keep a short response that answers the question, and finish each answer with something you learned during the experience you told them about. Do not blab on and on making them bored, keep each response short.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 24, 2013, 04:16:17 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on August 23, 2013, 11:42:22 PM
I'm hoping you're right.  It would be preferable if there was a more chemical component to this and I just need to learn how to deal with it.  Honestly, I haven't been myself and it's a very weird feeling because it's been a very bad and bizzare reaction.  I've been crying like a crazy person and just losing the will in general. 

Well, I'm off to bed thanks to melatonin.  Hopefully, I will be able to wake up and feel better.

Thanks.  I hope you are right. 
Quote from: learningtolive on August 24, 2013, 11:49:10 AM
A little update.  I'm feeling a little better today.  I won't say I'm no longer a mess, but a good nights sleep really helped me out.  For example, I haven't felt the need to cry today.  I'm starting to think it is a combination of hormonal influences and my shambled life.  Perhaps I just need to learn how to deal with my issues better know that I have an increased emotional capacity.  Though, the underlining cause is my messed up life, so I am going to have to figure out a way to fix that if I will get better.  Unfortunately, I don't really see a path for that, but I'll keep trying. 
there is a chemical component to this. the reason you feel fatigued, can't sleep even though you're supposed to be tired enough, nauseous, feeling of impending doom, uselessness, inability to stop the thoughts that are bothering you, don't feel like eating etc. all these are caused by chemicals that the brain releases, mostly due to stress. it's supposed to make you more alert to possible dangers, but since threats don't work the same way in modern times as at the beginning of humanity, we end up in an evil spiral where stress makes you overestimate the threat, adding to the stress, feeling the threat even more, and in the end, lose control over it.

and the only way to fight it is to do the opposite of what your brain tells you. get enough sleep, eat enough food, stay away from sugar and caffeine, get some fresh air and move your body a little around midday and before you go to bed. laugh. cry your heart out (but only for a limited time). stress hormones are evil, and can mess up your other hormones, the physical changes can help you get enough peace for a moment that you can relax enough to get rid of some of them. makes it a little easier to think constructively.

not that i'm good at following this advice myself, but i've managed to get good enough that i at least eat every day. it took me over a year to get that far after finally getting a job. if i can get a healthy sleep schedule as well, i might finally be able to deal with my anxiety, the one that can get so bad that i drive myself into a suicidal corner. (i'd never act on it, but the feeling is still worse than just a little unpleasant)

i have also noticed that my anxiety increases after the full moon. it stabilizes after a few days, and then i become rather acid in the last few days before the new moon. after that i can relax a little more for a half moon before it starts again. finding any kind of regularity in mood swings can help you handle them better. it's good to be able to tell myself that today is just a very bad day, so i should avoid saying or thinking too much, and try again tomorrow. i can't control my emotions, but i can control my actions to some degree, and on certain days it's better to withdraw when the facade starts to crumble.

as for the unemployment thing, it has nothing to do with your worth as a human being. this is one of the most unfair things ever, most employers would choose someone they know over someone they've never seen before. the right contacts matter so much that i want to curse and scream and tell people to go f[better censor this one]s. a good education can be useless, some times it can even work against you (i do know of a few cases). i never found a job in the city, it was impossible as a single mother with a young child. so i moved back home, to the rural parts where there were no more jobs than in a city, but after a year of unemployment and increasing depression, one of my qualifications was suddenly needed right here. after getting that job, not through applying, but talking to the right people, they started headhunting me (for temporary work, but still...) hopefully i can make this one at the local government permanent. hopefully you'll happen to get along with the right people so you can find something permanent.

here in norway, they tell job searchers to call the workplace and ask relevant questions about the job before sending an application. show interest, let them know that you understand what kind of job it is, give them a nice a voice to remember, and refer to the conversation in the application letter. the chances of getting a job are often higher that way.

_________________________________________

and while waiting for a miracle...
hang in there. it's ok to be weak. me and you are both only human. there is only so much we can do, and so much we can handle.
life is tough, but we can beat it by surviving one day at a time.
worrying about tomorrow is pointless, let it worry about itself while you handle today (this one's not easy though, i fail constantly).
if you feel like pouring some of your burden onto someone else, i'm only a pm and a few time zones away. the burden gets lighter by sharing it, don't wait with doing that if you feel too weak on your own (this is also one where i fail, but... i'll still say it, the offer is genuine, my intent is pure. really.)

love from yet another failure and fraud.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: DEANA on August 24, 2013, 06:05:55 PM
When you are in between jobs it's a good idea to do some volunteer work to help fill in the period between jobs. That way it proves to your potential employer that you"re not sitting on your hands, while unemployed.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 25, 2013, 06:18:56 AM
volunteer work, where that is possible, might also be a good way to raise your self esteem. just a simple "thank you" can work wonders when you're feeling down, makes the light in the end of the tunnel shine a little brighter. if you're lucky you might even meet people who understand some of your worries and will support you the best they can.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 25, 2013, 12:54:42 PM
Thanks everyone for your input.  I've tried most getting hired methods.  I don't think it's what I'm doing wrong.  I think it has more to do with me and my luck.  I suppose I shouldn't be too upset as unemployment is not great in NY as of now.  So perhaps I should count my blessing that I have a temp job coming and will be up for consider for two different potential jobs in the next two months.

I've done lots of volunteer work in the past.  I sort of live for others and give everything that I can.  But at a certain point, it's upsetting that everyone else can find a way to get compensated for their labor, and I have to give without any return.  I guess I have become more callous from my past work.   It's all about who is friends with who and not about what you can get done and what you know.  Sort of sad that patronage is still part of the system and those who play politics the best are those who get moved up.  Well, it's apparent I choose the wrong field since I'm now complaining about politics,lol. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 25, 2013, 01:14:13 PM
make it a goal to find a job somewhere you can try and change the system from within? i got that kind of job just two months ago, and i'm going to use it for all that it's worth.

of course it's upsetting not to get anything for all the work that you do. a little bit like housewives never getting any pay for practically running a 24/7 kindergarden... no wonder the ones who work get mad if their husband refuses to do his share of the chores. better tell this unfair life that you'll beat it and become the happiest person ever. spoken word has a tendency to become reality even when you don't mean it, so make sure you never say anything about giving up at least. you may tell us, but do knock on wood if you happen to say it out loud in the wrong place. (i'm of the opinion that some superstition is just healthy. anything that can make life more interesting is good to me...)
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 26, 2013, 05:16:22 PM
Update: good and bad. 

Good-  I feel a lot better emotionally today.  I think the hormones are making me feel things I never had to experience before.  I suppose it is a learning experience that I will need to adjust to.  And I'm on a slightly better footing with my family, so that makes me happy.  So things are drastically better than they were this weekend.

Bad.  Well, I got another rejection letter today.  I was sort of expecting it, but yet it never feels good.  I still have two opportunities that may come through and I'm waiting to hear more about the temp position.  So I'm keeping my hopes up.

Bad.  I kept on reading news today suggesting that Larry Summers will likely be the next chairman of the Federal Reserve which confirms that this isn't a simple reoccurring nightmare.  This, of course, diminished my emotional improvements for today,lol.   :D ;)  Just a joke everyone, calm down.    :)
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 26, 2013, 06:48:37 PM
I should also note the point of this thread wasn't to pain a glossy picture.  It was to share the hardships of my life.  They may be lesser than someone else's, but they are real hardships to me.  Otherwise, I wouldn't write an honest thread about my suicidal feelings.  I don't know everyone else's situation, so perhaps it's wrong for me to write that disclaimer, but try to understand why it's there.  So please try to give me the benefit of the doubt.  I'm aware others are struggling with depression and suicidal feelings and would never belittle what they go through.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 26, 2013, 06:53:52 PM
Furthermore, I would request  that no one tries to fight or argue in this thread.  It isn't conducive to our well beings nor is it productive in anyway.  I'd like to keep the thread open to document what I have been going through and record my progression in this area, whether it be good or bad.

Burnedoutfromstress, I would be willing to talk to you if you ever need someone to chat with.  Sorry for offending you, as it was not my intention.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Jamie D on August 26, 2013, 08:00:14 PM
Let's talk about jobs.  I used to be a hiring manager.  I have interviewed hundreds of people, and sifted through thousands of applications.

Don't worry about derailing the topic.  "Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many."
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 27, 2013, 03:30:28 AM
looks like something was deleted here...

Quote from: learningtolive on August 26, 2013, 08:03:06 PM
But I will say that I spent my whole weekend in tears actually looking up ways to end my life painlessly.  I don't think anyone here knows just how close to the deep end I was when I started this.  However, today was a decent day.  Yeah, I got another rejection, but I'm okay.  Sometimes life may surprise us.  Even though I'm uncertain my life will ever improve, I'd rather stick around and do my best to keep trying.
there have been a few times where i wondered if it would hurt at all if i tried the knife i was cutting vegetables with on my wrist instead. i usually don't like any kind of pain (i can tolerate it, but will always avoid if at all possible), so when i notice i forget to avoid the pain, i just put away the knife and do something else. luckily it's been a while since the last time. my sister nearly killed herself on impulse once, so you were at least a little farther off than that. if you're in a state of mind where you can at least plan something, there's still a chance of getting out of it before executing the plan. none of my plans have ever been executed, and i've made lots of them. it's a lot scarier when you get so unstable that you'd do it without caring about planning just from one little more drop to add to the suffering, my sister only realized what she'd done when she noticed that she was bleeding a lot.

when i think about my own experience, making plans seems to have been a way to give myself some more time, just in case it actually gets better. not sure if that's the case for you, but getting far enough to start making serious plans is more than just a little too far. i think i was quite serious every time, life just happened to lessen my reasons to do it, and my conviction started to dissipate enough to forget about the plans for a while.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 27, 2013, 03:46:31 AM
Nothing was deleted other than a few posts which are still quoted.  Someone found the ending to my initial post to be offensive as it asked others not to use my post for justification for self harm and it caused some reaction.  That's all.

Quote from: Taka on August 27, 2013, 03:30:28 AM
looks like something was deleted here...
there have been a few times where i wondered if it would hurt at all if i tried the knife i was cutting vegetables with on my wrist instead. i usually don't like any kind of pain (i can tolerate it, but will always avoid if at all possible), so when i notice i forget to avoid the pain, i just put away the knife and do something else. luckily it's been a while since the last time. my sister nearly killed herself on impulse once, so you were at least a little farther off than that. if you're in a state of mind where you can at least plan something, there's still a chance of getting out of it before executing the plan. none of my plans have ever been executed, and i've made lots of them. it's a lot scarier when you get so unstable that you'd do it without caring about planning just from one little more drop to add to the suffering, my sister only realized what she'd done when she noticed that she was bleeding a lot.

when i think about my own experience, making plans seems to have been a way to give myself some more time, just in case it actually gets better. not sure if that's the case for you, but getting far enough to start making serious plans is more than just a little too far. i think i was quite serious every time, life just happened to lessen my reasons to do it, and my conviction started to dissipate enough to forget about the plans for a while.

I see what you mean.  I don't have a concrete plan written out, so I guess that is good.  It's just more thoughts and planning that I shut away as fast as I can.  I know it isn't the "right" thing to do, but I let the hopelessness get to me at times.  But I'm working on improving life and I will make it out in time.  Even if it is hard.

Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Cindy on August 27, 2013, 04:20:51 AM
Sorry I'm late into this.

OK I'm in Australia and the job situation is different here, we are just starting to go down the toilet, economically, big time. You guys have had it for a few years.

Like Jamie I also am responsible for hiring people, mainly laboratort workers, but it doesn't matter. I have interviewed hundreds of people for hundreds of jobs.

The last job I advertised was for a base grade medical scientist, they needed the equivalent of a BSc to apply. Out of the 175 applicants I interviewed 10, all had either a PhD or a medical degree.

So life is tough and you are not being rejected for being trans (at least not by me!).

Most people I reject for interview half way through the cover letter. To be honest I have to get rid of people to interview, so any error or mistake is enough for me to reject. Cruel - yes.

If they get through that I look at their employment history, to be honest I don't care a lot about what they have been doing, I just want to know they have been doing.

After that I start to think about if they are suitable.

So make sure you can talk about gaps in employment history, I and most recruitment people don't care what you did, we know it is tough, but I want to know if you are a fighter or not. If you are I'm interested.

One young person couldn't get anything for 12 months, they included that during that time they visited a nursing home daily to talk to people, they organized a police check so they could. She also took pensioners dogs for walks. I checked, she had done this. I ended up employing her.

Don't give up hope, keep trying.

I am BTW always willing to examine resumes and give some personal advice on applications if you want me too, just email me.

I have a small charge, blow a kiss to the members here :laugh:

Cindy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 27, 2013, 04:38:11 AM
hmm... good job searching advice. would be nice to get some advice on getting through an interview when you're so nervous you'd rather vanish into thin air. there has to be something they're looking for which can be portrayed a little better than through muttering in a low voice.

Quote from: learningtolive on August 27, 2013, 03:46:31 AM
I see what you mean.  I don't have a concrete plan written out, so I guess that is good.  It's just more thoughts and planning that I shut away as fast as I can.  I know it isn't the "right" thing to do, but I let the hopelessness get to me at times.  But I'm working on improving life and I will make it out in time.  Even if it is hard.
some times i think how wonderful it would be if there was someone whom i could be perfectly honest with, tell about all my fears and despair, and they'd just hug me and tell me to sleep, and tomorrow they'll help me set everything right. where's that unconditional love when i need it... improving life seems to be a very long process. all i can do is hope that the good times will in the end outnumber the bad ones. i don't know if it's the right thing to do, i can only hope that it will end better at a later time.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Cindy on August 27, 2013, 04:53:28 AM
Quote from: Taka on August 27, 2013, 04:38:11 AM
hmm... good job searching advice. would be nice to get some advice on getting through an interview when you're so nervous you'd rather vanish into thin air. there has to be something they're looking for which can be portrayed a little better than through muttering in a low voice.
some times i think how wonderful it would be if there was someone whom i could be perfectly honest with, tell about all my fears and despair, and they'd just hug me and tell me to sleep, and tomorrow they'll help me set everything right. where's that unconditional love when i need it... improving life seems to be a very long process. all i can do is hope that the good times will in the end outnumber the bad ones. i don't know if it's the right thing to do, i can only hope that it will end better at a later time.

Very happy to help with interviews as well!

I have had some classics from the Blooper Page of Interviews!!
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on August 27, 2013, 05:51:34 AM
i'm in the lucky situation that i don't get jobs through interviews any more, it seems... i only asked because your advice was so much clearer than what i have managed to find on any of those job searching sites when i tried to find something in the city. i'm so glad i decided to just move back home where people already know me.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on August 28, 2013, 05:03:52 PM
Quote from: Cindy on August 27, 2013, 04:20:51 AM
Sorry I'm late into this.

OK I'm in Australia and the job situation is different here, we are just starting to go down the toilet, economically, big time. You guys have had it for a few years.

Like Jamie I also am responsible for hiring people, mainly laboratort workers, but it doesn't matter. I have interviewed hundreds of people for hundreds of jobs.

The last job I advertised was for a base grade medical scientist, they needed the equivalent of a BSc to apply. Out of the 175 applicants I interviewed 10, all had either a PhD or a medical degree.

So life is tough and you are not being rejected for being trans (at least not by me!).

Most people I reject for interview half way through the cover letter. To be honest I have to get rid of people to interview, so any error or mistake is enough for me to reject. Cruel - yes.

If they get through that I look at their employment history, to be honest I don't care a lot about what they have been doing, I just want to know they have been doing.

After that I start to think about if they are suitable.

So make sure you can talk about gaps in employment history, I and most recruitment people don't care what you did, we know it is tough, but I want to know if you are a fighter or not. If you are I'm interested.

One young person couldn't get anything for 12 months, they included that during that time they visited a nursing home daily to talk to people, they organized a police check so they could. She also took pensioners dogs for walks. I checked, she had done this. I ended up employing her.

Don't give up hope, keep trying.

I am BTW always willing to examine resumes and give some personal advice on applications if you want me too, just email me.

I have a small charge, blow a kiss to the members here :laugh:

Cindy

I agree with a lot of what you said.  I don't think my transition has much to do with my situation.  There are two problems I face: employment gap and political experience.  See, I'm a very dedicated hippie and some of my previous work can be a deterrent for certain jobs to hire me.   You really don't want anything overtly partisan on your resume which is sadly what I have.  I have found that left wing organizations are more likely to schedule an interview than something that is non partisan.  Problem is, I am still young and fairly inexperienced.  The jobs that come my way are not really long term or even full time.  And it's even harder to find something because it isn't election season and jobs in the field are hard to come by. Now, the gap exists because I waited after my last job ended before searching for something else.  Without going into it, there was reason to believe that some people would be able to help me find something.  Well, that never came to be.  At that point I have applied far and wide without much success.  I do get interviews with certain non profit or politically oriented positions, but it hasn't worked out well.   In this economy, you need years of experience before you'll get hired for even a normal entry job.  Plus, at the end of the day it's really all about connections.  Who would have thought politics is all about politics,lol.  So even the jobs advertised go to people they know.  The last job that I was offered wanted me to work somewhere around 80 hours a week which didn't include travel and after work functions.  There is no way I could have pulled that off at this time as I am studying intensely for the GRE (which has been going on forever because I suck at math,lol) and grad school is my priority.  Another job has delayed the hiring process but is keeping me as a potential candidate when they start up again at the end of the year.  And I am still waiting to hear from others.  It's a tough break right now, but I am trying.  Unfortunately, that gap keeps becoming bigger by the end of the day.  I wish I did take up a volunteer or an additional internship, but I waited and messed up.  At the moment, I will be satisfied with anything that will allow me to make ends meet until I go back to school.  Personally, I'm not too interested in going back into politics as I prefer the academic side of the subject.  In any even, I'm rambling and making no sense,lol.  What I'm trying to say is the problem is my past, both because of my experience and the employment gap, which prevents something normal (non political or partisan) from hiring me.    But hey, I have a good opportunity coming my way, and some other potential ones, so I will fight on and make the best of it. 
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on September 25, 2013, 02:54:52 PM
Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on September 25, 2013, 05:19:41 PM
congrats on the job!

seeing as you're a girl, i want to mention that many women in the netherlands say they're happier in a (permanent) part time job than working full time. spend that extra free time doing things that you enjoy. you don't need a better job than one that pays for all that you need plus a treat once in a while.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Aina on September 25, 2013, 05:57:26 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on September 25, 2013, 02:54:52 PM
Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

Big hug from over here LtL, I knew you would get something eventually. Congrats!

Also don't worry a job is a job, that is what I have a part-time perm job. Honestly I love it, because I have a lot of time well to do school stuff that this point, but was really nice in the summer.

At times I get bummed with lack of hours, but then I realize oh I could do something else!

-hugs again- Yay congrats!   :D
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Dreams2014 on September 25, 2013, 06:05:08 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on September 25, 2013, 02:54:52 PM
Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

Congratulations on your job! I'm glad things are getting better for you!
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Amelia Pond on September 25, 2013, 06:40:26 PM
Congratulations LtL! That's awesome news, I'm very happy for you! :)

*BIG HUGS*

Amy
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Cindy on September 25, 2013, 06:49:35 PM
That has made my day!!!

Congratulations Honey

Well done
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Rachel on September 25, 2013, 06:51:01 PM
Congratulations!

I am so happy for you.

This thread may help hundreds of Trans* for years to come.

You are a strong caring person who deserves good things to happen. Having a supportive boss is a definitely a good thing!
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: izzy on September 25, 2013, 06:57:44 PM
congratulations on the job. Keep up your good spirits.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Tessa James on September 25, 2013, 07:08:08 PM
Hey LtL that is terrific news.  Sounds like you are on an upswing in many ways and you might feel even better able to keep your dreams strong and your priorities working for you.

Thank you for sharing such poignant and heartfelt news with us.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on September 25, 2013, 09:07:12 PM
I could be wrong, but I'm good at putting two and two together....

With that in mind, I would like to again clarify that this post was an outline of my personal issues with depression and suicidal thoughts as well as suicidal feelings.  The post was never intended to be a blanket statement to belittle or not sympathize with more troubled individuals.  This was a post about MY problems, not anyone else's.  I did write that things CAN get better and used my experience as an example.  I did not say that it is guaranteed to get better nor did I say that there aren't worse situations.  I made that clear and no one should be upset or mad over that.  If you really take offense to me or any of my statements, I think you are the one being very unfair to me and really should see things in the context they were put in.  It's really not cool for anyone to get angry that people feel depression can be solved or that they have themselves found a slight improvement in their life that they hoped to share for the purposes of documenting their own progress and maybe to help inspire those who are in the same situation.  Why should anyone yell or scream about that or perhaps threaten to smack someone for posting that?  Am I really such a bad person who deserves criticism or reprimanding over that.  Seriously, I'm not a villain looking to hurt or belittle people.  I shared my own experience with the caveat that it MAY improve for others struggling as well.  Give me the same credit and respect that you and everyone else deserves.  I'm not an evil bad person for sharing my story.  I'm sorry if yours isn't good and I hope you find what you are looking for in life.   

Because I suspect I know what's going on, I am going to delete some of the posts in this thread that I think are related to some anger on the site.  If I was asked, I would have done so.

Please don't reply to this post.  I'd like this to be a closed case and believed it already was.  So, let this be the end. 

If I'm off base anyway, I apologize, but I think I know what is going on.   
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on September 25, 2013, 09:16:53 PM
For clarification, some posts have been deleted because they had the quotes of another user and I hope that makes someone else feel better.  Again, please realize this post was about my problems and issues, no one else's.  While I believe things can improve and have maintained my optimism, I in no way will claim I know what lies ahead for others and would never belittle the problems of others or claim my situation is worse than theirs.  Please don't get upset or angry at me for that because I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm no such a bad person.  Thank you.




Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: MadeleineG on September 26, 2013, 02:50:12 AM
That's wonderful news, LtL! Thrilled to hear it.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Taka on September 26, 2013, 03:48:17 AM
Quote from: learningtolive on September 25, 2013, 09:16:53 PM
For clarification, some posts have been deleted because they had the quotes of another user and I hope that makes someone else feel better.  Again, please realize this post was about my problems and issues, no one else's.  While I believe things can improve and have maintained my optimism, I in no way will claim I know what lies ahead for others and would never belittle the problems of others or claim my situation is worse than theirs.  Please don't get upset or angry at me for that because I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm no such a bad person.  Thank you.
i'm kind of glad i didn't see whatever it was that happened. doesn't sound like the experience was too good.
you truly deserve some happiness, and knowing that things are getting better for you makes me happy as well.

i'll also take this opportunity to invite you to seek refuge at the androgyne forums if things get too rough in other places. i promise we'll be nice with you.
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Bardoux on September 26, 2013, 08:30:06 AM
Quote from: learningtolive on September 25, 2013, 02:54:52 PM
Update:

I felt the need to give this thread a positive end.  As many of you know, I have been unemployed for quite some time and it has been killing me.  Well, I recently have received word that my temp job is going to turn into something permanent.  I can't tell you how elated I feel and excited.  This is the best news I have had in a very long time.  While the temp job is full time, the permanent position that I'll transfer into is part time, but I'm not phased by this.  Even though that isn't perfect, I have the ability to work my way up and prove myself.  It's a new field for me, so I will love to get the experience and it may be something I could do while attending grad school.  Plus, the person in charge of hiring me is aware of my transition and is okay with it.   Yeah, I still have to wait for the hr bureaucracy to finish their processing (which is taking an eternity) and have some pre-employment tasks to do like get a drug test and physical, but I should have a job soon enough.  All in all this is a pretty great situation for me!

Despite my desire to leave this thread because it brings up some uncomfortable things, I did want to share the positive development to show people that things CAN get better.  We all go through hard times and struggles in our lives.  This post is a testament to mine and it shows how far from hopeful I was about my future.  And yet, now I find myself in a positive situation that will only take me up.  Even though it's hard for us to see the good in the future, we all must remember that the good can happen.  Yeah, nothing is guaranteed, but that applies to our bad situations as well.  I hope those struggling will take this as a friendly reminder about unpredictability of life and how we can find ourselves back into a positive environment.  Personally, I know I need this reminder for other aspects in my life and will use it as a helpful tool to help further progression in those areas (i.e my transition fears and lack of self confidence).

Brilliant!!
Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: Ltl89 on September 26, 2013, 05:46:23 PM
Well, apparently I'm as good as I thought at putting two and two together as I thought.  Since this has been confirmed and has continued, I want to make a final statement because it has gotten a bit personal.

It's doesn't take a lot of GALL to write out an honest assessment of one's depression and hardships with the caveat that they don't want others to use it for justification to harm themselves.  Nor does saying things can possibly get better warrant physical threats of violence against me.  There are plenty of disclaimers on this post, put up just for you, so it's clear what I intended to say.  I apologized if you took offense to anything, for whatever reason, and then tried to talk things out with you.   I let it go along time ago and you came back as soon as I posted again on this thread. Not about you or your life.  About mine.  I talked about me and suggested it can happen for others.  So, does that really warrant an attack on me or the site?  Do you really have to use me as a venting outlet for your personal issues when you are the one seeking me out?  If you wanted your nasty quotes taken down, I would have done so, but I was never told.  They are down now and you can continue shouting at me from afar about your problems even though I personally did nothing to harm you or anyone else.  Seriously, I hope you find what you are looking for in your life, but I want nothing to do with your anger and aggression.  To be honest, you really scare me and I almost left the site partly because of your threat to slap me and your overt hostility over pretty much nothing.  Please leave me alone and stop the nonsense.  I didn't deserve it then and I don't deserve it now.

P.S.  Please don't ask me what this is about or respond.  If you don't know, then consider yourself lucky. 



Title: Re: Long Term Unemployment and Severe Depression/ Suicidal Thoughts.
Post by: MadeleineG on September 28, 2013, 12:16:52 AM
Quote from: learningtolive on September 26, 2013, 05:46:23 PM
Well, apparently I'm as good as I thought at putting two and two together as I thought.  Since this has been confirmed and has continued, I want to make a final statement because it has gotten a bit personal.

It's doesn't take a lot of GALL to write out an honest assessment of one's depression and hardships with the caveat that they don't want others to use it for justification to harm themselves.  Nor does saying things can possibly get better warrant physical threats of violence against me.  There are plenty of disclaimers on this post, put up just for you, so it's clear what I intended to say.  I apologized if you took offense to anything, for whatever reason, and then tried to talk things out with you.   I let it go along time ago and you came back as soon as I posted again on this thread. Not about you or your life.  About mine.  I talked about me and suggested it can happen for others.  So, does that really warrant an attack on me or the site?  Do you really have to use me as a venting outlet for your personal issues when you are the one seeking me out?  If you wanted your nasty quotes taken down, I would have done so, but I was never told.  They are down now and you can continue shouting at me from afar about your problems even though I personally did nothing to harm you or anyone else.  Seriously, I hope you find what you are looking for in your life, but I want nothing to do with your anger and aggression.  To be honest, you really scare me and I almost left the site partly because of your threat to slap me and your overt hostility over pretty much nothing.  Please leave me alone and stop the nonsense.  I didn't deserve it then and I don't deserve it now.

P.S.  Please don't ask me what this is about or respond.  If you don't know, then consider yourself lucky.

*moral support*