Susan's Place Logo

News:

Please be sure to review The Site terms of service, and rules to live by

Main Menu

A Painful Visit To My Grandmother's

Started by Cody Jensen, May 20, 2012, 12:04:10 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Cody Jensen

So today my dad and his girlfriend leave for Europe for half the summer. He'll be missing my birthday, second time in a row. I don't know that really upsets me. Should it? This is the fifth big trip they've gone on without me. They're also going to New York AGAIN in the fall. It pisses me off. He's always taking off with her. Anyways, so today, my dad's girlfriend's nephew was driving them down to the air port and well I wanted to go with them to say goodbye to my dad. We stopped by my grandma's house. This is why I never talk to her. I know since I was born she's been disappointed in me for not turning out to be her little grandson. My dad wanted a boy too, my mom even said so. Argh I'm ranting. Right, so we walk up to the house, and  when we all walked in, I didn't even get a "hi", and she immediately started treating my dad's girlfriend and her nephew like absolute gold. So did my grandfather. I hate them both. I feel like I didn't belong there at all. I feel like even if I do transition and pass a full guy, she'll never accept me anyways because I wasn't born with a dick so I'll "never count" as male. It makes me so upset. I hate them so much and I don't know how to overcome this.
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

AbraCadabra

Gosh, your little telling just had me in tears. Just so sad.
Don't ask me why, but I do so feel with you.

Maybe all I may say - you're not alone in this pain you experience.
I'm sure some more posts to follow with show just that.

Can we do ANYTHING about such abandonment when it happens?
I don't think so - we just have to deal with it - WITHOUT BETTING BITTER.

Please just do not get bitter about it - for your very own sake dear.

Feeling with you,
Axélle
Some say: "Free sex ruins everything..."
  •  

Cody Jensen

Quote from: Axélle on May 20, 2012, 12:16:19 AM
Gosh, your little telling just had me in tears. Just so sad.
Don't ask me why, but I do so feel with you.

Maybe all I may say - you're not alone in this pain you experience.
I'm sure some more posts to follow with show just that.

Can we do ANYTHING about such abandonment when it happens?
I don't think so - we just have to deal with it - WITHOUT BETTING BITTER.

Please just do not get bitter about it - for your very own sake dear.

Feeling with you,
Axélle

Thank you, Axélle
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

Cody Jensen

Quote from: casey on May 20, 2012, 12:41:50 AM
Aw. It is very sad. I wish your family would show more appreciation for you. *hug* The good news is there's a lot of people out there who are not like that.

I wish they would too, and I hope I can meet those people soon.
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

King Malachite

I really hate that your family is like that Cody.   They shouldn't be like that to you and they show you respect.  I've been through similar situations where no matter how hard I try to please my father, he just won't come around and it hurts like hell and I'm still trying to cope.

The best advice I can give you (which is also the advice I am giving myself) is to start making future plans to be where you want to be in life.  You can only live for yourself.  Your happiness comes first and if they want to treat you like that then shame on them.  They don't seem to be losing sleep over treating you like crap so why not plan?  If they come around then great if not well at least you are free from that uncondusive atmosphere or are finally happy.
Feel the need to ask me something or just want to check out my blog?  Then click below:

http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135882.0.html


"Sometimes you have to go through outer hell to get to inner heaven."

"Anomalies can make the best revolutionaries."
  •  

Inkwe Mupkins

Similar situation here...since I started taking hormones and asking to be addressed with male pronouns etc. my uncle has stopped recognizing my presence. When I say "Hi" he doesn't respond...when my cousin goes over there and I'm with her he'll talk to her but it's like I dont exist and when he does talk to me he uses my old female name and female pronouns and I've had my name legally changed and have a chin/neck beard.

I feel for you and I know it might seem awful for me to say this but sometimes you have to cut certain people out of your life even if they are "family". I've decided that once I pay my aunt off I will never go over there and I plan to change my number. I began transitioning 10 years ago...basically lived as male full time except for bathrooms, etc. Now I'm almost 19, and I met him when I was like 7. So yeah, maybe she'll come around,  maybe you should talk to her and ask her why she treats you so.

In my opinion I don't care who is who and what there relation is to me. If that person can't treat me with respect than they don't deserve to be in my life.
Islam means peace.
  •  

Darth_Taco

Lovely how family can be sometimes XP. I've only had one birthday with my father, my 7th birthday. That was only because the dumb son of a bitch pissed off the wrong person and we all had to go on the run to >-bleeped-<ing Mexico! D:< I know I sound like a douche, but I gotta say it. At least you have some form of a relationship with your father. I can't remember when was the last time I spoke to mine, only that it was on the phone and he was on speed. I had to have him arrested because I wasn't sure if he was going to kill himself or not. My only memories of him are of him either getting arrested, trying to kill my mom, or other stuff I'm not comfortable talking about right now because I'm already crying (the red death @_@). My only saving grace is that I lost the ability to love him years ago. Too bad I still miss him more than I care to admit. I turn 22 on Wednesday, and I know he's never gonna call me. If he does (in which case, hell has frozen over), he won't be sober. I don't know why that kills me. I guess I just wanna know that for once in his life he thought of me. Oh well, at least I have my mother and other people who love me. The way I make it through life is that I always remember the good stuff, even if there isn't a lot or seems insignificant. List it to yourself in times of need, and you'll be surprised how much you have.

>-bleeped-<, that got too long and about me. Sorry XP. Anyway, I use to think that the reason my father didn't love me was because I wasn't the boy the ultrasound said I was gonna be. Well, I was. I just came with some assembly required :'P. Then I remember all his other boys (mother >-bleeped-<er's got a ton of kids), and none of them ever had his love. Sometimes there is no real reason why family won't accept you. Just remember that there would always be one reason or another why they don't want you. I know it sounds bad, it sounded bad to me when I first realized it. When I came to terms though, I was finally relieved of the guilt I gave myself for years. I finally accepted it wasn't my fault, it was his. That's pretty much all the comfort I can give, because there isn't much comfort to give. It's always gonna hurt, but with time it won't be nearly as bad. Then there will be stuff in your life that makes you feel so good, you'll rarely think of the pain. I'm only hurting so bad now because I be bleedin' from every orifice. Anyway, I believe that no matter how bad >-bleeped-< gets, it will always get better.
  •  

Zerro

I dunno if it counts for much, but happy (early or belated, I'm not quite sure but I hope the sentiment counts) birthday dude! Your family sounds like a bunch of losers. You can totes have fun without them. What are some things you like to do? Immerse yourself in them and forget everyone and everything else. It's a special day for you.

My dad's ignored my birthday since I was 11, seven years later, and I'm lucky if he'll even respond to my calls or emails. As painful as it is to not have your family's support or acknowledgement, you've gotta do what's best for you. If they ignore you, you ignore them. They're not worth your time if they can't even say hello to you. Rude scum, really.

Even if you are a "girl" to them, that shouldn't matter. You're a fellow human being and most deserving of respect.

  •  

Cody Jensen

It seems like mostly everyone here has the same family issues. I am not out yet, but I don't dress very girly at all. Maybe I am giving myself away? Not sure.

@Zerro Eyup, my birthday's coming up in two and a half weeks. So yea you're early :P

@Darth_Taco Gosh, that's terrible! I will keep you in my mind every time something comes up with my dad and hope you are going strong.

@Inkwe That's ok, I am strongly considering cutting everyone out of my life anyways (except maybe not my sister).

@Malachite Thank you. I am already planning for the future. I guess what I need is just motivation to get off my butt and make it happen, that seems to be the really hard part for me.
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

spacerace

Quote from: Cody Jensen on May 20, 2012, 02:31:49 PM
It seems like mostly everyone here has the same family issues. I am not out yet, but I don't dress very girly at all. Maybe I am giving myself away? Not sure.

In my experience, it was almost impossible to "give myself away" - people are never going to make the leap until you tell them directly.

I thought there was no way my roommate didn't know. He knew I was seeing a therapist, that I was binding, dressing male, and I even asked him to go with me for top surgery - still 100% surprised I am actually transitioning. I guess he thought top surgery was just something some people did like boob jobs, but the other way? Who knows.

Point is, you usually are going to have to spell out it completely for people to get the hint unless your family/friends are really in tune with gender issues.  So, don't worry about people guessing, they probably don't know, and won't until you are ready to tell them or something really obvious happens. Even then - they may not make the connection.
  •  

Traivs

 "So, don't worry about people guessing, they probably don't know, and won't until you are ready to tell them or something really obvious happens. Even then - they may not make the connection."
Usually they choose not to see even if they can kinda tell, my dad is one of the only people who doesn't know i am transitioning and when I went down to visit since my grandpa was dying I brought my friend Jorge who is well ... lets just say within a few min. my sister and grandma pulled me aside to ask if he was gay(he is though) and my dad just assumed he was my boyfriend and we were both "normal" and straight and ended up saying some very homophobic remarks without realizing.
Anyways my point is that unless they want to see it they wont despite the fact that my DD's disappeared and my clothing style obviously changed and how my friend used pronouns my dad still didn't notice
  •  

justmeinoz

Maybe it's because I can be quite cutting if I have to, but I would be inclined to stand up and tell them that if they were going to be so rude I am deleting them from my life. 

Karen.


"Don't ask me, it was on fire when I lay down on it"
  •  

Cody Jensen

Quote from: Traivs on May 21, 2012, 01:35:50 AM
"So, don't worry about people guessing, they probably don't know, and won't until you are ready to tell them or something really obvious happens. Even then - they may not make the connection."
Usually they choose not to see even if they can kinda tell, my dad is one of the only people who doesn't know i am transitioning and when I went down to visit since my grandpa was dying I brought my friend Jorge who is well ... lets just say within a few min. my sister and grandma pulled me aside to ask if he was gay(he is though) and my dad just assumed he was my boyfriend and we were both "normal" and straight and ended up saying some very homophobic remarks without realizing.
Anyways my point is that unless they want to see it they wont despite the fact that my DD's disappeared and my clothing style obviously changed and how my friend used pronouns my dad still didn't notice

I'd be very surprised if no one noticed anything. But in a strange way happy I guess.
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

A. Loki

Quote from: Malachite on May 20, 2012, 01:19:18 AM
The best advice I can give you (which is also the advice I am giving myself) is to start making future plans to be where you want to be in life.  You can only live for yourself. 

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  I am in a somewhat similar situation with a good chunk of my close family, but its with my sister being the Golden Child.  It seems as though no matter what I do I can never be her equal or her superioir even tho I'm older and I have to calmly sit in her shadow and watch my family rant and rave over her.  So I decided that I'm going to live my life however I want to and not really care what they think and then when I'm rich and famous I can laugh in thier faces
  •  

Cody Jensen

Quote from: A. Loki on May 29, 2012, 02:50:59 PM
I agree wholeheartedly with this.  I am in a somewhat similar situation with a good chunk of my close family, but its with my sister being the Golden Child.  It seems as though no matter what I do I can never be her equal or her superioir even tho I'm older and I have to calmly sit in her shadow and watch my family rant and rave over her.  So I decided that I'm going to live my life however I want to and not really care what they think and then when I'm rich and famous I can laugh in thier faces

thats a good way to think  :) well actually my sister's the "golden child" too  :(  no matter what i do, it's always about her and what *she's* achieved it gets to me the most when we're at my cousin's house and if i say something no one cares. it goes in one ear and out the other, but when she says something, for whatever reason, i don't know what I'm doing differently, but all eyes will be on her. and its past the point of annoying, now it's just downright hurtful. but I'm going to think like you now, and try my best to not care what they think  :)
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

JustMe

Quote from: Cody Jensen on May 20, 2012, 12:04:10 AM
So today my dad and his girlfriend leave for Europe for half the summer. He'll be missing my birthday, second time in a row. I don't know that really upsets me. Should it? This is the fifth big trip they've gone on without me. They're also going to New York AGAIN in the fall. It pisses me off. He's always taking off with her. Anyways, so today, my dad's girlfriend's nephew was driving them down to the air port and well I wanted to go with them to say goodbye to my dad. We stopped by my grandma's house. This is why I never talk to her. I know since I was born she's been disappointed in me for not turning out to be her little grandson. My dad wanted a boy too, my mom even said so. Argh I'm ranting. Right, so we walk up to the house, and  when we all walked in, I didn't even get a "hi", and she immediately started treating my dad's girlfriend and her nephew like absolute gold. So did my grandfather. I hate them both. I feel like I didn't belong there at all. I feel like even if I do transition and pass a full guy, she'll never accept me anyways because I wasn't born with a dick so I'll "never count" as male. It makes me so upset. I hate them so much and I don't know how to overcome this.

How ironic, she not accepting you because you were born female even though she herself is female. If I felt it were relevant to me and she were my grandmother, I'd call her up and say a few things to her. I would be civil, but straight forward. However, my grandparents views are fairly irrelevant to me and even when they are, they are usually not relevant to me to the point that they are worth my trouble.
  •  

Hayzer12

This makes me really sad..

You are her grandson but just born in the wrong body.. and I hate that she doesn't show you affection

This makes me love my grandmother so much more.. even though she still calls me she 9 months into a transition.
  •  

AdamMLP

I'm not close to my family at all really, they're not nasty to me in anyway, they do their best, but they've never really been there for me.  Your mention of not being their for your birthday reminds me of how every time they get asked for my date of birth (in hospitals/to prove who I am etc) they always look at me and wait for me to answer because they never know it.  Last year my mum asked my if it was on the 15th, it's not, it's the 18th, always has, and always will be.  That hurt me pretty much even though I don't really care about birthdays, so it's usual to be hurt when family doesn't remember things like that.  The only way I learnt to deal with their distance was to stop wanting them to be like a "normal" family, to stop comparing them to others and start thinking of them as flatmates/bosses (at the time I was learning to let go they were landlord and lady of the pub I work in).  I lost all expectation of family niceties and connection and somehow that stopped it hurting.  I can watch a father and his kids now without wanting to tear up and think about what I'd missed out on.  It's not ideal, it doesn't solve the root of the issue, but it sure as hell made it easier to move past and forget.

We don't get to chose our family, why should they keep a hold on us if they don't make an effort.  People shouldn't be owned so I don't like to "belong" to my family if I don't get treated as family by them.  I feel like their just people I happened to meet the moment I was born rather than my blood.  Other people will feel loyalty to their blood but I don't.

As for people suspecting anything/giving it away, when I came out to my parents my dad said that there were more shocking things I could of told him, so I suppose I have given it away through acting like myself my whole life apart from about a year when I tried to fit in with the girls.

  •  

Cody Jensen

Quote from: JustMe on July 25, 2012, 06:33:41 AM
How ironic, she not accepting you because you were born female even though she herself is female.

this this this this this
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •  

Cody Jensen

@Hayzer12 I know, right? Except I'm just really confused now. I'm starting to feel like a girl lately. Why can't I just know who I am and be like other people who've known since they were a kid?  :(

@AlecSky I feel the same. My dad keeps telling me "family is everything" but none of my family's been there for me. This is why I feel friends are so much better.
Derp

"I just don't know what went wrong!"
  •