I DO NOT want to come off as mean here. I can honestly say I know 210% where you are coming from. But to me, you are hiding behind all this, "I'm philosophical" stuff. At the core of it, this is what I see. And you can tell me I'm wrong because you are most certainly entitled to it. You are SCARED. You are changing your name. Whether any of us like it or not, our birth name has been there since day 1. It has been a part of us. Hate it or not. And changing it legally, is scary and makes you feel like maybe you are losing part of who you really where. Doubt is normal. It's fine! It's not like you are injecting yourself with T. You can just change your name again and it will be as if you were never Devin if you regret it that much. Again, I will stress that doubt is a normal human reaction!
As for being "too metacognitive" for a therapist...Devin, you haven't tried EVERY therapist there is in this world. And if you have a genuine problem, then there WILL be someone who is willing to help and CAN give you a new perspective on things. You said you moved across the country. Well that means new people and new therapists. Besides, if a name change freaks you out, then I imagine that starting T will do the same. So you should visit a therapist no matter how good you think you are at analyzing things lol
I'm sorry if this offended you. But I know from first-hand experience what it's like to sugar coat the truth with a bunch of crap to hide my own insecurities and make them sound less frightening. I mean, if you wanna go to a professor and ask him, "WHO AM IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IN THIS WORLD!?! WHO ARE ANY OF USSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!?" *THUNDER STRIKES IN THE BACKGROUND*...Then so be it. But I don't think that's the problem. You are the person you are. You are the person who is scared. You are the person who is going to graduate school. There is nothing complicated about it. It gets complicated when we WANT to make it complicated.