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Author Topic: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.  (Read 7686 times)

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Offline Ultimus

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I identify with the alpha male lifestyle. All of my hobbies and interests are those of a man.  For instance, my favorite hobby is watching and participating in mma fighting. I grew up with all male interests. I was in the boy scouts and became an eagle scout. All of my heroes are men. I don't have a feminine bone in my body. I'm not gay either.

I still have these transgender feelings though, inexplicably. It's like my internal desires are at a clash with one another.

I don't get sexually attracted towards women like the other guys do. I usually imagine myself as the woman. I can't relate to the guys in the locker room who want "to smash women." But I don't like men either.

I try to be a normal male and go about my life, but it's impossible. These feelings eat away at me. I feel like its costing me my health and well being.

I've been to around 7 therapists in the past 3 years, including a psychiatrist, and a gender therapist. Not of any help. I've also been a member of this and other forums for almost a year now.

Any ideas?

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2012, 10:42:21 pm »
Describe your "transgender feelings."
Let that be your last battlefield.

Offline Kitteh Engimeer

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2012, 10:42:32 pm »
Have you ever tried experimenting? Role-play as the other gender or masking your apparent gender? Cross dressing?

Local support groups may help - building friendships or gathering the opinions of potentially like-minded people.

Offline Brooke777

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2012, 10:49:19 pm »
You could just be a tom-boy lesbian. Just because you like the typical male things, does not mean you are a man. It just means you like those things, and there is nothing wrong with it.

As far as your transgender feelings, they can be very tricky. I am sorry I do not have any advice for you on how to work these out. I would suggest, if you could, meet with some trans women to try and get some information.



Offline MaidofOrleans

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2012, 10:57:25 pm »
A little more information on your feelings might help.

I don't think liking things associated with a certain gender makes any difference. Not all ciswomen like only girly things and vice versa. For example I enjoy make up and fashion but also action movies and wargaming. I don't let it define my gender though, I knew I was trans through other feelings.

I never felt comfortable with my male body and always wanted a female one

I never felt comfortable in the male role and social situations and have always excelled in female ones

I never felt sexually aroused or comfortable by any situation where I was a man or in a male role

The list goes on but those were big ones.

I learned to act and look like a guy but I was really just a girl trapped in a costume. However during my time as a guy I acquired certain passions and hobbies that could be considered "male" which I intend to enjoy through and after transition because I love them, not because of their social gender tag.
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Offline Nero

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2012, 11:06:56 pm »
Ultimus, could your feelings be a sort of temporary release from playing the alpha dog? You may not feel free to express certain emotions, preferences, etc in your daily identity.

The suggestions for experimenting and role-playing are spot-on. Many male assigned people get all the relief they need from that.
Of course, you could also require a full transition. Time will tell.
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Offline silentone

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2012, 11:09:42 pm »
You seem to be describing me for the most part, except I am asian so I have small bone structure and I dislike watching sports. I enjoy many male dominant activities along with feminine ones. I had attraction to few men, but refused to acknowledge it since I grew up in a very conservative area with an equally conservative family. Nobody would ever guess I am transgender since all they see is my alpha side, which is the facade I wanted everyone to see.

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2012, 11:23:53 pm »
Ever hear of butch ladies? =P  While most of us fit middle to middle left.  Nothing wrong with being far right on the female personality scale.

Granted it doesn't guarantee anything, exploration will help for sure.

Offline suzifrommd

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2012, 08:53:59 am »
Like female-born women, trans women are allowed to be whatever kind of women they choose. Lots of women like shooting, contact sports, etc. Lots of women don't wear makeup, jewelry, lace, etc.
 
You're allowed to be yourself. Everyone is.

Offline Alina_M

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2012, 09:14:36 am »
This is definitely how I feel, too. Forced into the male role I find myself hating women who like fitting in their classical female role. It´s jealousy, really.

Offline Ultimus

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2012, 11:31:55 am »
Describe your "transgender feelings."

My whole life, since my earliest memories, I have crossdressed and had cross gender fantasies. I distinctly remember during nap time in kindergarten, I would day dream about being a girl. I've done so ever since then.

I have a deep internal desire to have a female's body and clothes and external appearance.

My feelings are largely sexual in nature - my ultimate sexual fulfillment comes not from having sex with a woman, but from actually being the woman.

Have you ever tried experimenting? Role-play as the other gender or masking your apparent gender? Cross dressing?

Local support groups may help - building friendships or gathering the opinions of potentially like-minded people.

I have a stash of clothes in my room that I dress up in sometimes. I also went on hormones for 20 days, but I quit because I got scared that it was going to be the wrong decision.

Ultimus, could your feelings be a sort of temporary release from playing the alpha dog? You may not feel free to express certain emotions, preferences, etc in your daily identity.

The suggestions for experimenting and role-playing are spot-on. Many male assigned people get all the relief they need from that.
Of course, you could also require a full transition. Time will tell.

Well yeah, time will tell. But I'd rather have time tell while I'm 21 then when I'm 41 and married with kids. I've been in therapy since age 18. So when am I ever suppose to know for sure if I'm transgender or not?

Offline RedFox

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2012, 11:46:15 am »
I'm still new to acknowledging myself as transgender, but one thing I've realized after 40 years of life - and after spending years researching this (and not acknowledging my own trans nature):  it's rare for anyone to be 100% certain.  You've spent most of your life being socially indoctrinated as a male despite what your brain is telling you.  Of course you have doubts.  Perhaps it's a matter of what feels "most" right to you.

And as others have said, why force yourself to break out of one gender stereotype just to switch and fit into another?  Be your own person - define your own identity.  Society has norms, but there millions of permutations on what it means to be a man or woman (or both or neither).



Offline Ave

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2012, 01:02:58 pm »
Are you feelings constant or do they come in waves? I think it's an important distinction. From what you described, it doesn't sound like you dislike being the "alpha male" type, but just that you sometimes feel you need a reprieve  from being so.

I  guess the easy answer is "Go to a therapist", but it's not like they magically hold the answers to everything.
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Offline ZoeNicole

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2012, 01:04:35 pm »
Generally if your plan is to go from your current state to the complete opposite you might just find you missed where you wanted to be along the way. Going to where you want instead of forcing yourself to be the perfect other gender from your genetic one is going to be where you feel most comfortable. At least thats how I see where I want to go. Where that is as yet still unknown, going to try enjoy the journey :)



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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #14 on: October 01, 2012, 01:32:25 pm »
Maybe it's just like, a sexual thing for you. Some MTFs go on hormones only to realize their dysphoria left with their sex drive.

Maybe you could experiment w/ that before you throw out your whole identity and stuff.

Offline Ultimus

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2012, 12:03:30 pm »
Ok, so I made a pros and cons list of why I may or may not be transgender. What are your thoughts?

Reasons I may be transgender:

-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

-I am not trying to sound crass, but my first orgasm was while wearing girl's clothes.

-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure and fulfillment that I've ever experienced in life.

-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites. I am really fascinated by it.

-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings.


Reasons I may not be transgender:

-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

-I am very masculine

-I am going into a male dominated career path (mathematician)

-I can't imagine myself participating in stereotypical female social roles, like sitting around and doing girl's gossip hour.

-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

-I see old ladies and I'm like, "lol, no. I don't want to look like them." They seem to weak and frail.

-When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.


Other factors:

-I am romantically and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."

Offline Brooke777

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2012, 12:10:36 pm »
I am certainly not an expert, but it sounds mainly sexual. Have you tried going to a bar while cross dressing? Also, you don't need to answer this one. have you tried acting out your sexual fantasies? It might help to figure yourself out a bit.  I know for me, being trans has nothing to do with sex. I don't get turned on by women's clothes, or by being in the female role. It is just about being the real me.

I wouldn't worry about not having any typically female interests. There are plenty of women who have no interest in them. You like what you like, and there is nothing wrong with that.



Offline RedFox

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #17 on: October 03, 2012, 01:12:31 pm »
-I see old ladies and I'm like, "lol, no. I don't want to look like them." They seem to weak and frail.

Have you ever looked at an old man and said "yeah, i want to look like that when I'm old"?

Most people don't want to look old no matter the gender - yet it's a fact that eventually we all will get there.

Personally, I'd rather spend the second half of my life in my preferred gender rather than get progressively older and become the old man wishing he'd had the courage to have grown into the beautiful old woman.

And I agree that it sounds like much of your thoughts on this are sexual in nature.  Not a judgement, just an observation.  You should really talk with a gender therapist - someone trained in helping you to answer these questions.

Not saying sexual fantasies don't play a role in other's GID issues: sex is an aspect of mine, but not in a fetishistic way - only as an indicator as I always see myself as a woman in my fantasies.  But I see myself as a woman in many things that have nothing to do with sex.

And who says women can't be brainy mathematician types?  I usually find geek girls very sexy.  I even married one.



Offline birkin

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #18 on: October 03, 2012, 02:08:18 pm »
Coming from the other side (FTM)...do you actually see yourself living, fully, as a woman? Other than outside of fantasies? It doesn't mean you have to engage in "traditionally" female activities. It just means, would you be comfortable doing EVERYTHING as a woman? Married as a woman, lesbian or not. Parenting as a mother, not a father. Going to school as a woman.  Working as a woman, even if it is in a male dominated field (a lot of girls do). Walking down the street as a woman. Every little mundane task in life, as a woman.

For me, although picturing myself having my body finally line up with the man I am inside does make me happy, at the end of the day, it is characterized by a normalness. When I get seen as the man I am, I don't feel a lot of pleasure now that I am actually there. For me, it's just how it was always meant to be and I embrace the boringness. The dysphoria wasn't replaced by a euphoria, just by normalcy and contentment. Would you feel those things as a woman? would it be simply routine and simply the way things were meant to be from the start?

Offline Isabelle

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Re: My transgender feelings are at a clash with my alpha male identity.
« Reply #19 on: October 03, 2012, 02:28:28 pm »
Yes, you're a transgender person by definition. Transgender is an umbrella term though and, includes all aspects of behavior that transgress/transcend "traditional" gender roles in the culture you identify with. Of all the various types of people lumped under the transgender umbrella, few actually transition from one gender role to another perminantly. Transsexuals are one of these types. It's like the terminology used to describe vehicles. Imagine if everything that had wheels was transgendered but only bicycles were transsexual. In other words, all bicycles have wheels but, not everything with wheels is a bicycle. The area of the forum you are posting in, is identified as being a resource for transsexual people so, many of the responses you get are going to come from that perspective.

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