Good evening or morning guys, dolls, and unicorns.
I've neglected to talk about this because, well, a man who does not know his name is not worthy of much respect.
I've had over 3 years to decide on a name (well, a lifetime really). Now, things are happening; I'm on HRT, I've scheduled surgery, and I still don't have a name.
I've just been 'Joe'. Even as a woman. But this was just a 'comfort' name.
I guess the root of the name problem could be that I actually adore my given name. I mean, it's a beautiful name for a woman. Uncomfortable, but lovely.
Perfect. But certainly female in western society (because of my last name and the fact my birth name is actually used sometimes as a man's in the old country, I used to get mail addressed to Mr. X. Which made me very happy.)
Then there is the issue of the 'would've, should've been' name. The one I would've been given had I been born correctly. I was supposed to be Nicholas after my great uncle. Nicholas was sort of the ghost that should've been.
This really hit home in kindergarten. I was not five years old, I was wearing a dress and had long blonde curls. And there I was - sitting across the room.
Nicholas - with my short blonde hair, blue eyes, and ruddy complexion.
This other boy had my name, my looks, and my place. I couldn't concentrate for having violent fantasies about him as I sat in my chair. He soon caught on and became afraid. Told me it was impolite to stare. But I couldn't stop.
Apparently, he eventually got over it though, because one day he unceremoniously kissed me on the lips.
Clearly, he was put there to torture me.
So the name has never been mine. I can't keep my female name. Unsure what to do and doubt I ever will be sure about a name. I've wondered about this since I first began this journey 3 years ago.
How do you pick a name for yourself? It's got to feel like me. And although I'm used to Joe, it was always more a name of convenience and comfort.
Can't really imagine myself being called Nick. That's the name that never was.
A Nero by any other name would smell like what?