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Author Topic: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...  (Read 1755 times)

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Offline Colleen Ireland

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Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« on: July 09, 2010, 10:42:37 pm »
Just very briefly, I'm 54, married 31 years with 3 "kids" ranging in age from 18 to 26.  I've been in denial most of my life.  I knew around age 12 or so that I was different, and I knew somehow that I was not male inside, but didn't quite know what to make of it.  I knew I wanted breasts, and I knew I felt feminine inside.  As I got older, I began to have real problems thinking about it.  I started having suicidal thoughts in high school.  At the time, I didn't really connect that with my gender issues.  When I was 18, I ran away from home, hitch-hiked cross-country, and was away for a month and a half.  That was the first time I allowed myself to think seriously about whether I thought I was transgendered, and knew I wanted to get some help, but my home situation was hopeless - I knew I could never seek therapy without my parents knowing all the details, and they would not accept this.  So when I was 20, I met and fell in love with my wife, and for the most part buried all of these feelings.  However, when we'd been married a year and a half, I actually attempted suicide.  And I knew it was connected with my gender issues.  And afterward, I discussed that with her, but she didn't understand, and I didn't want to lose her, so we mutually agreed to bury it and never speak of it again.  Except it manifested itself in other ways, acting out sexually at various times over the years, but I was in such deep denial I could no longer see the connection.  She and I have pretty much always had problems in the bedroom, and again, I never really made the connection.  In the past 10 years or so, we've been making periodic attempts to improve our marriage through counseling, but we could never address the true issues, so our problems have just continued to fester.  In the past 7 years I've been working with an online relationship support group, and just in the past couple of months, I've made some real progress.  I decided to post a journal of my entire marital history, including stuff from childhood, and to make a long story short, finally made some important connections, and could see the big picture for the first time.  I then went through a really hellish several weeks of emotional overload, as the full import of what I had (re-)discovered hit me like a brick wall.  Recently, I spent the weekend with my best friend (of 36 years), and for the first time attended Pride festivities, and he and I had many long talks, and all of that together finally allowed me to begin to accept myself as I am.  The final epiphany came last Monday morning, when I awoke with a simple question in mind:  If my personal happiness were the only consideration, and I could freely choose, what would I do?  My answer was overwhelmingly that I would transition.
 
So now I'm at the stage of trying to figure out What Next?  I plan to ask my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist.  My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for the past few months, and he's helped us a lot, so we do intend to continue seeing him.  Especially with this - she will need a lot of help, I think.  She already knew this about me from the suicide episode, but considers it ancient history, dead and buried.  But this and other things will be coming out in our next session, next Tuesday (we had a conversation a couple of weeks ago when she found out I'm a closet smoker, and asked if there were anything ELSE I was hiding from her - smart girl!).  As for dressing, I've only just begun the barest experiments, mainly because I don't know how to approach it, and especially how I'd hide anything.  We're five adults or near-adults in a modest bungalow, so privacy is at a high premium.

Anyway, I think this looks like an amazing forum, and I look forward to participating!


Offline Lacey Lynne

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2010, 11:26:28 pm »
Welcome, Kim!

Look, you have SO come to THE RIGHT PLACE!

Susan's Place is the very best website of its kind on the entire Internet, IMHO.  You will find good, accepting, kind people here overall.  Get comfortable, relax, talk.

Guess what?  Our stories have so much in common, it's amazing.  I'm also age 54 ... been married for about 20 years ... just started hormone replacement therapy just a few months after turning 54. 

There are several other "senior gals" here, so don't feel that everybody is in their teens, twenties or thirties here.  There is a fair number of us forty- and fifty-somethings. 

Those of us here in our fifties, sixties and seventies know how hard, if not impossible, it was to transition in the 1960s/1970s.  Whole different society back then ... WAY different, as you well know.  Heck, they would have killed us back then.

Anyway, that was then.  This is now.  Now is YOUR time.  There are good people here.  You'll meet them.  Just get involved.

Welcome ...  :) ... Lacey Lynne.

P.S.:   Don't forget your transmen here.  They're very cool people too!
Believe.  Persist.  Arrive.    :D



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Laura91

Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2010, 11:51:24 pm »
Welcome to the forum, Kim.  :icon_wave:

Offline barbie

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2010, 12:58:57 am »
Welcome, Kim.

I also have 3 kids. This March, I tried to transition with HRT, but the doctor asked an approval of my wife. Here transsexual person should legally be divorced to apply for SRS. Still, I could transition with HRT, technically illegally, but I just gave up it as my kids are the most important in my life. Instead I try to pass without HRT, and it has been somewhat successful so far. I can enjoy attention of people in the street, and nowadays know a little bit how to change the level of people's attention by wearing various clothes and fashion items.

Barbie~~
Just do it.

Online Cindy

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2010, 02:11:03 am »
Hi Kim,

I'm 57 and started HRT this year live PT at the moment. Been married for 28 yrs, no children, we found out I'm sterile early on.

Stories are very similar among many of us. have a read and post away. We are a friendly lot and I have made my best friends on this site.

Welcome
Cindy
What can I say, let your spirit fly. Love you Hon. (Nero 1979-2014)

nmason

Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2010, 02:35:58 am »
Welcome Kim, I am also of mature age here, so your not alone.
I am coming up to be 51 soon. I have 2 kids and 3 step kids.
Susan's is a very supportive site for people of our age

Hermione01

Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2010, 02:57:54 am »
Hi and welcome Kim  :)

Offline forallittook

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2010, 03:28:02 am »
Anyway, I think this looks like an amazing forum, and I look forward to participating!

Kim!! Welcome to the forum... I must admit, I am in the exact opposite situation as I am younger, not in a relationship, etc. But on that same note, we share the same bond through this identity within ourselves.  I want to welcome you here on my own accord.  And let you know that is truly an amazing forum, I have been only here two months and it has meant the world :)

Offline Colleen Ireland

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2010, 06:15:07 am »
Wow, thanks for the generous welcome, ladies!  I can't tell you how good this makes me feel.  I do hope to meet many good friends here.  And, Lesley-Ann, yeah, but that blue pill, honey, that is SUCH a bad trip, lol.  Been taking that one all my life - it's poison. 

My biggest issue at the moment, I think, is just getting to next Tuesday when we have "THE session".  It's not that I'm really stressing about it, but my mind is going a mile a minute considering the possibilities, and I find I'm not sleeping well.  Heck, it can be a challenge just to sleep till 4:30, but last night I kept waking up time after time.  Partly thinking of all the possibilities for the future, and partly wondering how the wife will react, and what will happen next.  I am pretty much over the initial emotional shock of realizing this about myself, and I have largely accepted it, but I'm not sure I'm yet at the point of actually embracing it.  But yeah, that blue pill has GOT to go.  The red pill is a WILD ride, for sure, but maybe a happier place in the end.


Offline Nero

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2010, 06:18:41 am »
Welcome Kim!
If I don't respond to your message, please don't feel ignored or slighted. As forum admin, I get a lot of messages daily - site stuff, reports, personal, etc. I end up missing some. And seeing others but being unable to reply at the moment and then forgetting.

But all my messages are important to me. Just try me again.

Offline Nathan.

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2010, 06:19:52 am »
Hey Kim! Welcome to Susans  :)

Offline justmeinoz

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2010, 06:42:51 am »
Welcome aboard Kim.
I'm 56 and pretty much in the same situation. Still working out where I fit in the spectrum, but definite that I have repressed my real identity since I was 14 or 15. 
There is lots of good advice and support here.
"Don't ask me, it was on fire when I lay down on it"

Offline Colleen Ireland

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2010, 08:13:57 am »
I'm very encouraged by the number of girls here in their 50's.  I had definitely been feeling like maybe I've left things way too late, although I do look at least 5 or 10 years younger than my age, and no, I'm not the only one who thinks so, thank you very much!  ::)

One concern I have is my hair, or rather lack thereof, lol.  I'm thinning on top, not bald, and I've never given it much thought, but now I'm wondering if I should ask the doctor about Rogaine - has that stuff proven itself over time?  It'd be great if I could have my own hair, grey as it is, rather than depend on wigs...

I've also found a semi-local mentor(ess?) - a post-op M2F who is a GODSEND!  I can ask her ANYTHING.  I hope to meet her one day, but even by email, she has been a real help.


Janet_Girl

Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2010, 10:38:31 am »
Hi Kim, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 5100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )



I am 56 now and started this journey two years ago.  Yes I lose my home and my family, but I found myself.  So that was a good trade off.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Offline Colleen Ireland

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2010, 10:58:17 am »
Thanks, Janet.  Yes, I must admit, that is a BIG concern for me - what will I have to give up?  I really can't imagine my wife, who married me as a man, will want me as a woman, but since the kids are grown, she could very well surprise me, and I hope she does.  Realistically, though, I need to be prepared to lose my marriage.  My kids are also a concern, but I think they could possibly accept me eventually.  The big thing is, my parents are still alive, and may be alive for a number of years yet (they're 79).  Coming out to them would be very difficult.  They are staunch conservatives, and routinely belittle that which they do not understand.  I'm going to need to be very strong indeed in order to pursue this.


Offline Laura Emily

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2010, 02:20:20 pm »
Welcome to our lovely community Kim. You're going to love it here! :-)
Those who live life to please others, rather than live the life they please, live only to exist.  - LEV

Offline Colleen Ireland

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2010, 02:45:28 pm »
Thanks, Laura - looking forward to hearing from you back-channel...


Offline spacial

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2010, 04:09:37 pm »
Hiya Kim.

I've been haunting Susans' for a little over 6 months now.

At first, I felt I would be in a bit of a minority, but more an more am finding that here, just about everyone is represented.  :D

I too am in my mid 50s. Knew what I needed to do since I was about 4. Family entirely unsympathetic.

Made some tentative efforts to change in my late teens which ended with me on the street. Tried to go back to my family, saying I had made a mistake. I did, but that was it. (Few real regrets. That comes pretty near top.  :D )

Married late 20s, still married. No kids.

Never stopped thinking about changing. Really don't know where I'm going from here. But in the last 6 months, I've learn more than I ever knew.

I will say though, to really get the benefit of all the information here, you need to spend some time reading. Some people don't seem to have ever heard of paragraphs for example.  :D But if you can work your way through, even those posts, there is frequently so much.


Offline Colleen Ireland

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2010, 04:38:57 pm »
I will say though, to really get the benefit of all the information here, you need to spend some time reading. Some people don't seem to have ever heard of paragraphs for example.  :D But if you can work your way through, even those posts, there is frequently so much.

Oh, that is so true.  I have indeed been reading - there is SO much here!  This is the place I've been looking for - I'm so glad I found it.  I'm still very much in the closet about this, so my reading time is limited, but OTOH, I have pretty much perfected the art of looking at a site like this but arranging things so if someone walks by I can very quickly cover up without appearing to do so.  A girl's gotta be resourceful sometimes...  ;D

It made me sad reading what you wrote about telling your family you'd made a mistake.  That was me, with my wife, about 29 years ago.  We had to talk about it since I had just made an attempt on my life, but I ended up telling her it was just a fantasy, and then buried it and we never dealt with it or spoke of it again.  I did see a psychiatrist for a while, but not very long, and she was not very helpful.  And we (me and the shrink) did NOT deal with the TG thing at all.  So I just shut down and lived the life I'd chosen, and now I find, looking back, that there has been a lot of heartache but very little real happiness.  I'm very glad we raised our kids, we did a good job on that and nobody can take that away from us, but I've always had a base sadness about me.

One thing... I was just reading in the newspaper a story about a reporter interviewing a "personal robot" - just a head and shoulders modeled after a human, with artificial intelligence built in.  Kind of creepy.  Anyway, the article mentioned that the robot had been commissioned by Martine Rothblatt, the "self-made millionaire", and was modelled after her real-life partner, Bina Rothblatt.  Then it went on to casually and parenthetically mention "(The couple married before Martine, who was born male, underwent a sex-change operation, and have stayed together...)".  WOW!!!  Now THAT'S what should be front-page news.  I do dream of transitioning, and being able to stay married to my wife, whom I love, but I really doubt it's in the cards.  She's straight, and very conservative, and I think this will pretty much crush her.  I hope she will surprise the heck out of me...


Offline barbie

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Re: Older M2F, just finding myself after all this time...
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2010, 05:30:40 pm »
When I started crossdressing, the biggest concern of my wife was whether I will undergo SRS. I assured her that I will not do it, as my transsexualism is not so much strong compared with those post-op transsexual persons. She has been very helpful in my crossdressing. She used to purchase women's shoes and clothes for me, recommended some fashion items for me, and wash my women's underwear. I am a man to her whatever I wear.

Also my kids. My little daughter is proud of me, but sometimes scolds me regarding my womanishness. She likes introduced her dad to her playmates in the playground or kindergarten. She says like "This is my dad. His hair is very long, isn't it? (Big smile and laughing)". Or "My dad is a woman-man." My two sons grew while watching my occasional wearing skirts and heels. At least my first son recognizes and understands transsexualism.

For this reason, HRT and SRS are not for me, and I think I will be able to live without them, even after my kids grow, marry and have their own family. I will wear men's formal dress during the wedding ceremony of my daughter.

Barbie~~
Just do it.

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