Community Conversation > Transgender talk

when you cannot pass

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Ricki:
I was leafing through some webistes and looking at some old letters and posts and came accross this one and thoguht it had good advice and dialogue..


--- Quote ---I've been reading the letter page on your site, and there is an issue that all sites seem to avoid.  The hopelessly unpassible.........

I've known about myself since I was 10 years old for sure, although I know some of it goes back to 7 or so.  I learned about transition when I was 10 years old and when I was a kid I thought, "thats for me"   Then I had puberty, and not a little puberty. I went to 6'2 and 240 pounds....... people were telling me how hansome I was, and all I knew was I felt like I was at my own funeral.  My occasional crossdressing stopped when I was 15. It hurt too damn much to even look in the mirror......   I went from bad company to drug abuse, and dangerous, irresponsible behaviour.   I still have some damage from my stupid, "kill yourself on the motorcycle" phase.

But I never forgot how much I wanted to be a woman, and how much I hate being a man.

About 4 months ago, I was driving my car across the river at about 9:00 at night, and I simply decided to drive the car in to the river. This was in December mind you. The water would kill you in minutes.....Anyway, I caught myself just as I was drifting into the guardrail.   Thats when I knew the jig was up. That I just coudn't keep it up another minute.

I decided that if this was my life, miserable in relationships, a ghost at parties, or any  mixed event,  and horrified to the point of violence at the site of my own reflection in the mirror, then I was finished.

So I went to my mother, who is a nurse, and a drug addict. And I simply told her I wanted  to commit suicide, and would she provide me with the means? I was so upset it seemed perfectly reasonable, that if shed brought me in to this miserable life that I'd hated for so long, then she should be willing to help me OUT of it too.  I tried to tell her about how I couldnt take being a man anymore. She simply wouldn't listen.  She said I "wasn't the feminine type" as if she either knew or cared. she told me to turn myself over to inpatient psych to find out what was "really" wrong. AS if 20+ years of introspection and personal abuse was somthing I made up....

Next she said "If I was that miserable, I'd try ANYTHING!" And I took her to her word. Went into her bedroom and looked for pills to steal. No suicide doses..... But there WAS a bottle of estrogen. Nice and full. So I put it in my pocket and I left.

The next day I took 2.5..... and about three hours later I felt good, So, I kept it up.... by the third day I realised I felt GREAT!  Exept my face hurt. I was smiling..... I didn't know I was smiling, I literally had to check a mirror....  I hadn't smiled naturally since I was 16. The best I could usually manage were sneers or smirks. All the laughter that only feeds on pain. I had my friend come over and take a picture.... it was that diffrent!

Everyones happy and cheerful, supportive, and encouraging "my significant other exepted."  A friend whos known me 20 years says "Its about time!" And is encouraging me to the transtion path. A place that after 25 years seems about as real as the land of Oz.

But they leave ONE thing out.   I'm really, really, unpassible..... I'm still 6'2, and have some significant hair loss.......   I'm so damn big my head is two feet around. I wear a size 12 mens shoe. I have a broken nose too......

So, I'm back to  square one, just where I was when I was 15 and  my life came to a screeching halt.  The only diffrence is now I have bootleg hormones, and legitimate therapy.   My TS friends keep saying "It does not matter." Its easy for them to say. The closer of the two is 5'6 and is half my weight.

 I'm in the irrisistable force meets immovable object quandry.  I can't take it any more, I'm all out of stiff upper lips.  Maybe its the pills, but I seem to be crying a lot..........  I'm glad, there have been so many times I'd have done ANYTHING to cry.   BUt I think I have two  choices. I can work to transition, which I would sell my soul for, or I can commit suicide.

But, I'm trapped,  I don't want to die..... For the first time in longer than I care to think, I don't want to die. But I don't know whether I can be a pariah either......

I have been reding everything I find online for years about TS. But NOBODY says anything about us. The ones trapped. The people whos choice seems to be no choice at all. The death I've been running from. Or living in a position of  eternal ridicule and laughter.   When I first met my friend, she was not too passible..... It hurt so much to see what they did to her. I don't know if I could stand the sea of laughing faces................
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---If you have read much of my site, you know I try very hard to be as straightforward as I can be. I am not good at tact. So I will simply express my observations on your situation, and the situation of all who may be in a position where passability is unlikely, or even impossible.

To be blunt, the situation is seriously screwed up, but, there are always some options, though they all require some degree of compromise. It cannot be helped.

I am pragmatic. If I cannot have the whole cake, I will take as big a slice as I can get away with, and deal with that.

The main options I see are three in number:

1. Full transition, damn the morons

In this option, one must face having to deal with bigoted morons forever, and their scorn, true. However, I have known people who have done this, who have still managed, amidst the sea of idiots, to find a few good friends, a love, a life. Their road is not easy, and even simply going to a store or a restaurant requires a tough skin. They tell me it does not get easier over time, either. However, they at least find being able to live as themselves gives them peace, even if it is a troubled peace. No lie though, it is a difficult path for the totally unpassable person.

2. Full or partial transition, keep it half hidden

In this option, I have known those who have undergone full transition, but who only live as themselves outside of their work and exterior social life. The hormones have changed them enough that they are considered odd, but not enough to pass, so they still work as a male. In their private social life, they live fully as female, and have chosen friends that can accept, or who share, the issue of gender concerns. Some do this for reasons of passing, and some do this because their job is so very high paying that they cannot bear losing the wealth. In short, it is the life of the superhero, a double identity.  The benefit of this is that they can still have a private social life being themselves, but avoid outright mockery and exclusion in surrounding society. It is a compromise, but it can work, even if it also hurts too. Again, taking the biggest slice if the whole cake cannot be had. This is the option for people with thinner skins than those who could face option one.

3. Partial or full transition, keep it totally hidden

In this option, a person may transition to any degree, but they keep the fact entirely hidden. They live almost all aspects of their life as their original sex, but they enjoy the benefit of having the correct hormones affecting them, and in private, alone, they allow themselves to live as themselves. It is a sad and difficult way to be, but it avoids all mockery, while still gaining many desirable benefits. It is predicated on the understanding that the most important and core element of being transsexual is inner identity. Having the body and biochemistry support that identity is a great benefit, even if one cannot face the problems of living full time as one's true gender in the world.
 
I think you are correct in saying that few or none want to face the issue of people who can never hope to pass. This is a shame, because such a calamity can occur for many reasons: sheer physical shape, form and stature, a lack of female hormone receptors, a severely masculine skeletal structure, and much else. The most important thing that I can offer you is that the real problem in not passing has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are fine...it the bigotry and narrowness of others around you that is the problem. That is the reality of things, even if all about you cannot see it. Your real problem is not your size or your bones, it is other people.

Now knowing this will not make anything you have to face any different, but it is important to know nonetheless. Especially important, because all of the inevitable abuse can too easily drag down one's self worth. Sometimes all we have is the certain wisdom that we are blameless and pristine, that the problem is in the shriveled hearts of others around us alone.

I cannot tell you that you can get everything you deserve and need. I can tell you for certain that you can get some, even much, perhaps even most, of what you need to survive and to have some degree of contentment in the world. I maintain that having some contentment, even if it is not total, is better than a life of uninterrupted misery, or the total loss of your unique mind, heart, and gifts to the world. Better some cake, than no dessert at all, ever again.

It is not fair, it is not right. But it is real, and you have options. Find what is best for you, a balance that you can live with, a compromise that you can accept, a truce between your soul and the idiocy of the world around you. When you have determined such a compromise...go for it with all of your heart, and be glad for what joy you do get from it. Bitterness and anger only trap the person feeling them. Cherish every good moment, and wrest every drop of goodness from it. make that slice of cake count, howsoever small it may be.

Really, this is just common sense...because all people, in every situation, have to do some measure of this. It is just more dynamic, when the issue at stake is life and identity itself. Find you personal best compromise, and make it work. That is all that I know how to do, and all I can offer to you. That, and not to bother wasting your time with the idiots that would drag your spirits down.
--- End quote ---
Ricki

Rebis:
That was a good one, Ricki.

  Touching. I guess we should stop and think about the hard ones now and then.



becky

MeganRose:

--- Quote from: Ricki on December 23, 2006, 10:22:14 pm ---But they leave ONE thing out.   I'm really, really, unpassible..... I'm still 6'2, and have some significant hair loss.......   I'm so damn big my head is two feet around. I wear a size 12 mens shoe. I have a broken nose too......[
--- End quote ---

This is exactly what I thought about myself when I first started to transition. I'm way too tall, I have giant feet, I have a crooked nose, I have a body that is never going to look feminine in the way that I want it to. I went into HRT pretty much intending on going with solution number 2 from the article: only let the people close to me know whats going on, and still live as male for the rest of the worlds benefit.

My perspective has shifted so much in the last 9 months that it still astounds me. There is no way that I would be able to keep up a semi-secret transition like I thought I would be doing. Aside from the physical changes that are a bit of a give away (the breasts, facial features, my butt and hips etc), my state of mind is one that could just not deal with having to keep such an important part of me to only a percentage of my total existence. I used to feel like I was a woman, now I feel like a woman and when I look in the mirror I see a woman, and it doesn't matter how tall she is anymore, I think she still looks hot ;D. I don't know how well I pass when I go out in public, sometimes I am sure I'm passing, sometimes I'm adamant that everyone I walk past sees me as a man wearing a bra and makeup, but I know that the people I love see me as a woman, and that I see me as a woman, and for the moment that is all that I need. I used to feel nervous about trying to present to people as female, now I get nervous when I try to present to people as male. I look forward to the day when I can leave that part of me in the past, because I know its getting closer every day.

Went on a bit of a rant there, sorrry bout that :).

Megan

Kate:

--- Quote from: MeganRose on December 23, 2006, 10:50:50 pm ---My perspective has shifted so much in the last 9 months that it still astounds me... I don't know how well I pass when I go out in public, sometimes I am sure I'm passing, sometimes I'm adamant that everyone I walk past sees me as a man wearing a bra and makeup, but I know that the people I love see me as a woman, and that I see me as a woman, and for the moment that is all that I need.

--- End quote ---

That's *very* encouraging to hear. Thank you for posting this.

I'm pretty much in the position of the author... 6'2" (though 160lbs), size 11ish feet, etc... and occasionally (aka every few hours) lost in the throes of the "I'll never pass" self-pitying. I find myself constantly thinking, "this HAS to work..." because I know what the alternative will be if I can't transition effectively, either for medical reasons, lack of results, physical attributes being insurmountable, etc.

Whenever I read stories of how so many others find themselves passing so early and easily, even when they're not trying, it just tears me up inside. Sure, I'm happy for them... but at the same time it's like the train is leaving without me, and I'm not even sure I have a ticket. I'm becoming frantically impatient lately, now that I've done the truly difficult task in all this: accepted myself truly, without hesitation or qualifiers... and begun this journey.

But now that I have, everything is SO much worse, magnified, brought into contrast. Even though I KNOW I still look male and can't expect to be treated as anything but, every "sir" is like a knife into my chest... every "dude" or "mister" is terribly hurtful and insulting. Guy clothes feels like their wearing my heart down. My guy name doesn't even sound familiar anymore... the name of a dead ghost people keep annoyingly calling me.

I cannot exist in a social vaccuum. It's not enough. I, Kate, have done that for four decades, and I've had it. I need OUT. I need to live, finally, for the first time.

So I empathize with that author. This HAS to work. I can't see it ever happening, and yet... it has to.

Kate

LynnER:
To those that think they will never pass....

I point out the multiple threads where you can find before and after pics of myself...  2 years ago and before I was a self pittying (continue the rant and personaly edited for content) sorry person...  I drank myself silly and did quite a few other things to well... jump into an early grave...

Its not impossable, there are options.... LOOKS ARNT EVERYTHING!!!

I know allot of GG's with cromagnon browridges... huge jaws... (One seriously has a J Lenno chin) Big feet, huge hands, beedy eyes... overly tall 6ft + some as tall as 6ft 5.....

If you cant look like the perfect woman WHO CARES!!  learn the traits and the voice (No thats not impossable either) and make sure you have a good fashion sence or find someone who does to teach you what to wear and makeup and all that....  Alittle bit of femininity goes a long way (reverse all this for FTM's)

Just remember, its not hopeless, there are hints and tricks, and ways to figure out EVERYTHING... "Im not jelous, maby alittle over zellous... you call me irisponsable but you know Im unstoppable!"

Please, look on the bright side and dont fall into the deep dark pit of self despair and worse...  Theres allways a way  :)

*Hugs*

******* Ambrosine

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