How do I convince my mom that I really am transgendered?

[Everyone]

Until I was about 12, I dressed in a very feminine way, and loved feminine things. I had an androgynous personality, but was slightly more feminine than masculine. I didn't dress feminine because I was expected to, I did because I wanted to. I still didn't feel like a girl though, I didn't feel like a boy either. I dressed in feminine ways because I loved beauty and thought that femininity was more beautiful than masculinity. It wasn't until I started puberty that I started to actually feel like I had a gender. And at that point, I felt female for about 3-6 months, only through the influence of my female friends. Because of the fact that I was so girly as a child, my mom doesn't believe that I'm transgendered. I understand this, and accept it. It's perfectly logical for her to think like that. However, it's getting a bit ridiculous. When I tried to talk to her about how I felt, she barely listened because she already had her mind made up. If I didn't say the stereotypical transgendered thing to say as an answer, she would tell me it must have been a phase. Plus, I never mentioned it to her, so it must not have been going on before I mentioned it. I talked to her a year ago about starting T, and she said she might let me go to therapy if I still feel like it after a year. In 3 months, it will be a year, and I'm preparing to have to fight her for this.The main problem is, my mom is kind of narcissistic. She thinks she's right no matter what. She seems to think that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that this is just a phase, even though I told her how long it's been going on for. I don't know how to make her understand. She doesn't listen to what I say. She'll listen to bits and pieces of it and come to her own conclusion, and when I tell her she does that she just gets mad at me. When I talked to her about starting T, she didn't listen to what I had to say and she kept talking over me. I can't interrupt her, because she will be mad if I do. But staying silent won't do anything either. I have no idea how I'm going to convince her that I'm transgendered and need to start T, and more than that, I have no idea how to make her listen. Any help would be wonderful.

[Colleen Ireland]

First of all, I'll give you some clues that may help you understand her a little better.  Not that I don't think you do understand her, and I'm sure your characterization of her is accurate and correct from YOUR point of view, but remember that a parent has a primary duty and responsibility to protect their child from harm.  That is the Primary Directive of parenthood.  And a parent will do what they think is in the child's best interest in terms of protection from harm, even in the absence of useful information. 

So, with that in mind, now what happens if that parent also has irrational fears and prejudices?  Well, the protective instinct might be applied inappropriately, and the parent might inadvertently harm rather than help the child.  Does that make sense?  Your mother loves you and wants to protect you, from yourself if necessary, because that is her duty and responsibility, and it is very much a factor of how much she loves you.

It sounds to me like you are still rather young, so another thing I'll say is that you should not worry about "running out of time."  Time is on your side.  However, you DO need therapy.  And a good therapist will be an ally for you.  I would suggest that you might write your mother a letter, and use that letter to tell your story from the beginning, as completely and honestly as you can, and at the end of the letter, say that you really want to see a gender therapist, because if this is a "phase", it is certainly a LONG one.  Since it doesn't seem to be going away, you need to talk to someone who can help you figure things out.

I hope this helps at least a little.

[rejennyrated]

I have to say that the only way anyone can convince another person of something is by doing it and making a go of it.

Unsurprisingly as I didn't have any therapy I am not, personally, a big fan of it, but I understand that for some people it can be a very great help indeed. However even if you do have therapy that is still only just words and someone's opinion. When you have lived, as I have, the majority of your life successfully in your target gender, then perhaps most people will be forced to admit that you may have been transgendered, but it is worth noting that even now there are probably those who would question my legitimacy.

So what I am trying to say is the bottom line is that this is something that YOU have to be absolutely sure of in yourself. It has to be something that you will do irrespective of what your mum, your therapist, or indeed anyone else thinks, because ultimately you are the only person who can see the whole deck of cards. It's no good if it matters too much to you what others think. That is not a basis to proceed upon.

I'm not saying don't listen to others. What I am saying is you must proceed only when you have that inner certainty that means that the doubts of others become of secondary importance.

Finally no parent wants to hear that their child may be suffering from a widely misunderstood and stigmatised condition. For this reason you should understand that you mother is probably just trying to protect you from the social stigma that she fears my come, but when and if you manage to move forward and are seen to be happy with the results then you can hope that her opinion may change.

[Everyone]

First of all, I'll give you some clues that may help you understand her a little better.  Not that I don't think you do understand her, and I'm sure your characterization of her is accurate and correct from YOUR point of view, but remember that a parent has a primary duty and responsibility to protect their child from harm.  That is the Primary Directive of parenthood.  And a parent will do what they think is in the child's best interest in terms of protection from harm, even in the absence of useful information. 

So, with that in mind, now what happens if that parent also has irrational fears and prejudices?  Well, the protective instinct might be applied inappropriately, and the parent might inadvertently harm rather than help the child.  Does that make sense?  Your mother loves you and wants to protect you, from yourself if necessary, because that is her duty and responsibility, and it is very much a factor of how much she loves you.

It sounds to me like you are still rather young, so another thing I'll say is that you should not worry about "running out of time."  Time is on your side.  However, you DO need therapy.  And a good therapist will be an ally for you.  I would suggest that you might write your mother a letter, and use that letter to tell your story from the beginning, as completely and honestly as you can, and at the end of the letter, say that you really want to see a gender therapist, because if this is a "phase", it is certainly a LONG one.  Since it doesn't seem to be going away, you need to talk to someone who can help you figure things out.

I hope this helps at least a little.

That did help. =] I understand her reasoning a little bit more now. ^^ One of the problems is that she doesn't want me to go to therapy because she doesn't like therapists and thinks it's a waste of time. Do you know of anything I can do to make her understand that it isn't a waste of time to me?

Thank you for your help. =)

[Everyone]

I have to say that the only way anyone can convince another person of something is by doing it and making a go of it.

Unsurprisingly as I didn't have any therapy I am not, personally, a big fan of it, but I understand that for some people it can be a very great help indeed. However even if you do have therapy that is still only just words and someone's opinion. When you have lived, as I have, the majority of your life successfully in your target gender, then perhaps most people will be forced to admit that you may have been transgendered, but it is worth noting that even now there are probably those who would question my legitimacy.

So what I am trying to say is the bottom line is that this is something that YOU have to be absolutely sure of in yourself. It has to be something that you will do irrespective of what your mum, your therapist, or indeed anyone else thinks, because ultimately you are the only person who can see the whole deck of cards. It's no good if it matters too much to you what others think. That is not a basis to proceed upon.

I'm not saying don't listen to others. What I am saying is you must proceed only when you have that inner certainty that means that the doubts of others become of secondary importance.

Finally no parent wants to hear that their child may be suffering from a widely misunderstood and stigmatised condition. For this reason you should understand that you mother is probably just trying to protect you from the social stigma that she fears my come, but when and if you manage to move forward and are seen to be happy with the results then you can hope that her opinion may change.

Thank you for your help. ^^

[Colleen Ireland]

One of the problems is that she doesn't want me to go to therapy because she doesn't like therapists and thinks it's a waste of time. Do you know of anything I can do to make her understand that it isn't a waste of time to me?

Maybe if you just tell her you need someone to talk to, who would understand what you're going through.  Jenny is right, though... ultimately the only way you can "convince" her is by walking the walk.  And if she won't be convinced, she won't be.  She may never accept this, that's something YOU have to come to accept.  And you can't really help her with what she needs to work through.  I'd say time and perseverance are your best allies.  I'm assuming you haven't yet reached the age of majority?  If that's the case, then eventually you'll be able to do things for yourself.  In the meantime, hanging out here can help a lot, and other than that, just hang in there - it DOES get better.