Today I was talking on the phone with my mother and she was telling me how the son of her acupuncturist was abroad for a few weeks and he was fooling around with some girl during this short time. The whole conversation was downright stupid because I don’t know the guy, nor the girl, not even his mother and there was no point whatsoever in the story. What I felt during the story was just some bitter nondescribable feeling of how poor the conversation between me and my parents is. They never ask me about my love life and never did. In high school it was maybe too soon for them, whereas after my coming out it’s probably too scary. I came out as a bisexual, which confused them the most because I guess they would handle a lesbian better (because then they would be sure I’ll bring only women home), but now they’re afraid I’m switching partners regularly and don’t want to know anything about me. What bothers me more is that they keep asking me about the love lives of my schoolmates they never met but know they’re heterosexual. It’s actually insulting having a conversation “Is X still dating Y? Does W have a girlfriend? How is Q doing?” and NEVER asking “Do you like anyone?”
And the worst thing about the whole thing is that we’re all so used to this silent arrangement that I know I would lie if they would suddenly ask me that. I would say no, and not because of denial but because I don’t know how to talk about feelings with them. It’s so normal not talking personal stuff that there are not even hidden meanings in their speech. They don’t talk about pregnant and married children of their friends with the attitude “look, they have it, you’re ruining our lives”, but the opposite, the complete lack of interest on this topic. I guess the thought of me as an asexual child is appealing. Even more: right now, I like a guy, first time in 9 years (only women during that time). I guess it would make them happy if I would told them and this is exactly my motivation not to tell them. I feel they don’t deserve it and they wouldn’t appreciate him for himself but for his genitalia.
It’s crappy , all this sexual orientation stuff. And that by default, somebody of a “not-normal” sexual identity will never be able to be a true, “native” heterosexual. Either we will seem wrong to the others, or we will feel wrong inside … Blah.
