This writing won't probably make any sense in connection to the whole forum … I just want to tell it to someone.
I remember hearing the title’s motto in connection to the AA; after starting the program, they’re not allowed to have relationships for a year but should first start with something really small, like a plant. I am not an alcoholic, probably will never be, I hate the taste of alcohol. But I’m the worst person for relationships. First of all, I’m an only child. This means it was always me, me and me. The first birth in my extended family after me was when I was 17, so it was really always all about me. Second of all, I’m an introvert. This means I’ve never cared much about other people. I needed them to feed me and take care of me, but not much more. Ok, I may sound like a sociopath right now but I’m not.
I’m actually quite a nice person, kind and everything. I just don’t care about others as much as I do about myself. This bothers almost every single one of my friends. They hated the fact that they were always have to be the one to plan stuff, take care of them etc. When I chat with an acquaintance, they ask me how I am and I never manage to ask them this question back, because I usually genuinely don’t care. It’s not that I would just like to talk about me, because I didn’t want them to ask me anything. So I’ll respond, but won’t reciprocate.
My relationships were the same. I tend to look more for my second parents than equal people. Meaning that I expect from them to put me first but I wouldn’t do the same. I’m ashamed of this, I admit. That’s why I try to look for people who seem comfortable in the role of a “nurturer”. I have no parental instinct. I don’t care for children (not that I don’t like them, it’s beyond that – I really don’t care for their existence).
It was the same with animals. I wanted cats, my parents had to take care of them. I wanted a dog, we had to put him away because I forgot to take care of him. And then plants. I never liked plants. When I got a flower for a present, I didn’t even look at it, I just left it in the kitchen for others to take over. I honestly couldn’t care less. I only kinda liked cactuses. I had three and every single one of them either dried out either gotten rotten.
Then I left for university far away. My grandmother gave me a small plant for good luck. Even though I don’t care about flowers, I have a big thing for good luck gifts. Of course I know they don’t have magic powers but I appreciate the sentiment and I think this brings good luck. So I had this flower last year. It didn’t matter whether I watered it frequently or rarely, she was just protestingly losing leaf after leaf. For the summer, I gave her into custody of my friend. He was doing the exact same thing as I did but somehow, she just sprouted and grew amazingly. I took her back and she started dying again. Now, I left her alone for a week. Came back and she was just one stem looking out of the soil. People told me she might have outgrown the hollowware, so I decided today to put her into something bigger and really get her back to life. When doing this, I couldn’t find her roots, and then I realized, they decomposed completely to pieces. I never even thought this was possible and I was really really ashamed of myself. If I can’t make a flower that needs only a cup of water per week survive, nothing will ever survive with me. It’s a quite pathetic realization if you’re a human being living among so many other human beings. So I decided that’s just too much. And I went to two flower shops to find a plant that would really draw me to herself. And I did. It’s a boy, his name is Scott. He looked at me and said we’re going to kick this world’s ass.