Lament of a Non-Binary

3

Suzi ChaseHave you ever wanted something SO MUCH, that the pure need of it soaked your soul, but you knew it could never quite be yours?

That is how I feel the case is with my gender transition…

I dream of being a woman

Women smooth the rough edges of life.
They bring us together,
attend to the beauty of the world.
The world will never be taken over by machines and gears
Becoming reduced to signals and transactions
As long women are in it
Maybe men still shape the world
But the women color it

Alas it’s only a dream
Oh, I could try to mold this brutal mind and oafish body
Shape it to resemble a woman.

I could put a wig on my head
Cover up the hard edges with soft clothes
I could work on my voice
Sweeten it
Make it so feminine that no one could see through it
I could have my coarse whiskers burned off one at a time
One by one painful hair
I could have someone carve my body up and sew it back together in a new shape

And I could pretend.
I could pretend every second of every minute
Of every hour of every day of every year
For the rest of my life.
I could pretend
Pretend that I’m worthy of wearing the title “Female”

But I can never, ever be
Anyone but me!

Share.

About Author

Suzi Chase writes about transgender issues through both fiction and non-fiction. She has had careers in teaching and software engineering and has raised two children.

3 Comments

  1. Thanks Suzi – this is how I feel too, of course. Being trans means a lot of “Accept what you cannot change”. But there is little point to belaboring the impossible, so the only thing for us to do is accept ourselves as best we can. Love you girls.

Reply To Susan Larson Cancel Reply