Confessions of a Self-Fulfilling Prophet


It’s a morning like most other mornings.  I wake up in anxiety and skewed self-awareness.  My thoughts stray from procrastination and coffee, settling instead on one of several frequented sources of neuroses.  Ingrown hairs that litter my legs and seem to resist every form of treatment insist that I am disgusting and ugly.  My perpetual inability to produce meaning or monetary security proves my existence is worthless.  My dedicated partner, who I still believe deserves someone better is rendered suspect in my mind.  And, of course, there is the ever-present and persistent gnawing fear that I have claimed a mistaken identity, that I am transitioning into a caricature of a woman who should instead be medicated and monitored.

I need help, I think, I need to see a professional for this anxiety.  None of these thoughts are true, I nervously assure myself.

But what if they are?

What if the thoughts that I am beautiful, I am strong, I am in progress are simply lies, tools to distract me from reality?  How can one discern truth in a mess of false perceptions?  When did we decide that negative thoughts are detrimental and healing resides in positivity?

Instead of beginning my day with meditative clearing, I carry these burdens into the kitchen.  An exchange of sullen pleasantry denotes a mutual gloom, and my reaction is venomous.  What right does she have to inhabit the negative space, when I need her to lift me from mine?  Selfishness is often borne from my self-designated despair, compelling me to use her for emotional cleansing.  Let her have a moment when I am feeling strong, I think, as though one can choose a convenient time for darkness’ invasion.

I retreat to the bedroom for mantras and meditation, to no avail.  This weight is stronger than my ability to shrug it off.  And that nagging refuses to be shaken.  Disdain joins the party, enhancing all other loathsome emotions in a vicious squall.

So, I give up the fight.  And I write.

I write these thoughts you are reading now, confessions of a self-fulfilling prophet.  Despite my what-if questions, I do know that this space is not one of truth.  I know that skin flaws do not threaten my beauty, funds do not decide worth, and my partner is the love of my life, unquestionably devoted to me.

As to the question of my identity, my transition, my womanhood?  I think back, before the hormones, before coming out, before self-admission.  And all I remember is this darkness that looms overhead this morning.  There were moments of brief respite, moments I breathed deeply and told myself not to believe the lies.  But those moments were short-lived and rare, leaving me in the void I thought was my destiny.

I would never go back.  I fight lies every day.  But, I am growing stronger, deeper, truer.  Stability and hope are concepts that have only recently been added to my sense of self.  I am plagued by these dark thoughts, and I often feel helpless against them.  But I much prefer to be plagued by thoughts I am learning to fight, rather than live within them.  There is still much to be learned, to be felt, to be owned.  That key difference, fighting them from without versus embracing them from within, is what gives me hope.

This morning, I claim that hope. Right now, it’s one of the only things I know for sure.


About Author

Aria has tried to write this a few times, only to feel that offering rote biographical info and speaking in the third person to boost her profile was too pretentious. So instead, I've decided to switch into the first person and say that I am very happy to be writing for Susans. I have a BA in English but haven't had the opportunity or confidence to use that in a public forum until now. I started to transition early last year, and am excited to find myself and my voice while highlighting the issues and fights that our community continues to face. I am thankful for this space to expand my thoughts, and always welcome feedback and conversation of all kinds, so feel free to comment and/or send me a message at any time. My love to all of you, Aria

1 Comment

  1. Aria I loved your thoughts and felt each one as if it were my own. My journey too often hinges on hope but inside I know who I am and everyday I become more fulfilled and comfortable with my transition. I have waited far too long for this time of my life not to enjoy every minute of it as you should too! We are very lucky to have realized the women we are supposed to be and are getting there. Often I am disappointed with the slowness of the changes or the arduous tasks we must endure to look beautiful but I always remember I haven’t been changing on the inside and that will always be beautiful just like you! 🙂

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