Author Topic: Re: What does it Feel Like to be TG  (Read 3661 times)

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Cassandra

Re: What does it Feel Like to be TG
« on: October 05, 2005, 02:24:32 pm »
Hi Jess,

You said:
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I still feel 'on display'

I don't feel so much on display as I did when first coming out but when I get a particular look from somebody I can still feel that way I've just gotten harder about it and toss the feeling aside like a dirty paper towel. I guess it just takes time and I really don't know if that feeling ever goes away completely. I don't think you'ld get any disagreement on that point.

I do think you tend to concentrate on a darker side of the experience and I understand that from what we've talked about but lets not give Valerie a too one sided point of view.

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Take the worst possible characteristic about you, the physical flaw about you that you are most concious about.  Put it on display for everyone to know.  Have it be the center of focus for everyone you meet, everyone you know, and everyone you speak to on a daily basis.  Imagine that flaw is HOW people react to you.

Sorry Jess but I will have to entierly disagree with you on this. No one puts there worst characteristic on display. When we go out as ourselves we do not put our worst face on. I don't think this describes our experience at all. It is what you have decided to focus on and I wish with all my heart that you could see the beauty of yourself if you would just try. I can't force you. I can only try to tell you that that which you have chosen to focus on is not all that there is.

It is true that some will stare gawk or ridicule especially if you don't pass very well, but that is their problem, their issues. My flaw is my male body and I have stopped displaying that. My self, my female self is the only thing I allow anyone to see anymore and there is nothing flawed, there is no bad characteristic. There are some things I would like to improve upon and a couple of things I want to get rid of but if they were on display I would be arrested.  ;D

What you have described is how you feel how you have chosen to feel. It is one view. Not an entirely uncommon view but not the only one.

Valerie, everyone is welcome to post in any of the forums as long as they abide by the site rules. Heck I post in the CD forums all the time and I have embarrassed myself a couple of times but as far as I know they haven't called for a ban on my posting there yet.

I liked the post you deleted I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Of course I could be prejudiced since you specifically complimented me.  ;D But you can post in any forum you like. There is an old saying. Would that we could see ourselves as other people see us. ( I believe it was Shakespear). You provide a perspective for us here. The view of an outsider seeking to understand and reach out with a carrying hand is much appreciated. Keep posting, and stop deleteing unless you look at it and realise that it doesn't express what you were trying to say.

Hugs to you Jess and you too Valerie,

Cassie

stephanie_craxford

Re: It was nice to hear
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2005, 02:35:52 pm »
Hello there Jessica,

Sorry, you guessed it, but I can't agree with your post.  I know you were speaking metaphorically, but I can't understand what you mean by

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Take the worst possible characteristic about you, the physical flaw about you that you are most concious about.  Put it on display for everyone to know.  Have it be the center of focus for everyone you meet, everyone you know, and everyone you speak to on a daily basis.  Imagine that flaw is HOW people react to you.

I've been at this for quite a number of years now and never have I felt that way, even metaphorically, and to be honest I can't see where your statement is any description on what it means and feels like to be TG.  Being TG has nothing to do with other people, and what they may think, it's about the individual.  Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick  :)

However, I think that this would be a great topic for someone to start - What does it Feel Like to be TG (remembering that TG is an umbrella term) - What do you think Valerie - nudge, nudge  :D

Chat later,

Steph

Jessica

Re: It was nice to hear
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2005, 03:00:18 pm »
I guess my experience is different.  I have known for a really really long time.  Instead of doing something about it, I chose to hide it.  In hiding it, I am always thinking about it.  How people will react to what I say, what people can see through, everything from being concious about how I move to how I am feeling at a given particular moment.  It has lead me to feel like I am constantly on display.  It has lead me to question every move I make in life until everything was praticed enough.

Perhaps I was too metaphorical in my previous post.

Personally, and please note the word personally here, I feel like everyone CAN see it because it is such a prevelant part of my inner thoughts.  People relate to me based on what they see and what they believe to be true and not the real me.  So, it is like people relate to the worst part of me, because it's NOT ME AND NEVER HAS BEEN! Sometimes I want to scream that out.  But I have far to much control of my emotions to ever do that. That's how it relates to other people, in my opinion Stephanie.

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Being TG has nothing to do with other people, and what they may think, it's about the individual.

In that way, it has a lot to do with other people.  It also has a lot to do with me and who I am inside this shell.

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Sorry Jess but I will have to entierly disagree with you on this. No one puts there worst characteristic on display. When we go out as ourselves we do not put our worst face on.
 
When we go out day to day before transitioning, knowing who we are on the inside but hiding it within who we are on the outside?  For me, I feel like my worst characteristic is on display.  People relate to me not as who I am but as who I appear to be.  Admittedly I am guilty because I help perpetuate it by not doing anything about it.  However, that doesn't change the way I feel.

You are both looking at this from the perspective of living full time as who you REALLY are and in no way was I deriving how I felt from that perspective because I haven't been there yet.  My personal experience and what I wrote on was from the perspective of hiding it.

I should have been more clear.  I went back and reread your posts carefully.
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When we go out as ourselves we do not put our worst face on.

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I've been at this for quite a number of years now and never have I felt that way, even metaphorically, and to be honest I can't see where your statement is any description on what it means and feels like to be TG.

We are at two different points in our lives.  You are both reading my previous post coming from a living full time as who you are on the inside perspective.  I am specifically talking about how I feel, right now, still hiding the real me from the rest of the world.  If you would please, try rereading my post from that perspective and I think it will be more clear.
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My flaw is my male body and I have stopped displaying that.

Cassie nailed it dead on, THAT is EXACTLY the flaw I mean, whereas both of you have stopped displaying that, I haven't, which is where our perspective differs.

And Valerie, you are more than welcome to post here.  Your thoughts, comments and experiences in life are just as valued as anyone elses.

I was just trying to put my personal experience regarding this very difficult concept into words.

With that said, I am so sorry for messing up this thread, I just thought I would give my personal experience as of this point in time, in my life.  I am very sorry.  Congratulations Stephanie on that fabulous accomplishment, I am envious, but it took a lot of courage, soul-searching, and tenacity for you to reach that point and you should be proud!

<hugs> all around.
Jessica

Valerie

Re: It was nice to hear
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2005, 03:03:11 pm »
 :D  You girlz rock !  

Well, when I deleted that post I was thinking, "Who am I to even propose empathizing with their joy?"... I was afraid my lack of experiential understanding of your situation would somehow make my comment seem flippant...  

Yeah so I woke up this morning, and defiantly told myself, "But dammit, I am happy for them! And I do get the warm fuzzies when I read their stories of triumph!"  So I reposted, though the first one was probably better, right Cass?  

No, I've never felt unwelcome here at Susan's, in fact just the opposite.  I am a slow poster, though, I like to think things through a bit before posting, and only post when I have something to say.  

As far as appearances go, Steph, you're as pretty as any woman I've seen (if not moreso); and Gina, I hope you won't have difficulty getting the same level of acceptance as Stephanie has, but you make a pretty girl, too...  

Oh, wait, let's see, I can rack up some more brownie points with Cassie here....yep, Cass, you look great as well   ;D    Hugs back atcha', girl....

Valerie

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Re: It was nice to hear
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2005, 03:39:21 pm »
I think I understood what Jessica was saying the first time.  Having lived in hiding most of my life, I never felt good about myself and always felt only the bad parts of myself were showing to others.  Because I was hiding so many real parts of myself.

Since I have been full time I have been much more comfortable with myself and felt much better about everything in my life and appearence.  So what that a few stupid clients I did work for couldn't accept the real me.  The other clients more than made up for that with their acceptance, support and help.

Sarah
Nameless here for evermore!;  Merely this, and nothing more;
Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"

Valerie

Re: It was nice to hear
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2005, 04:17:41 pm »
Um, OK Jess, I think now I might need clarification.  In your first post you wrote:
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Take the worst possible characteristic about you, the physical flaw about you that you are most concious about.  Put it on display for everyone to know.  Have it be the center of focus for everyone you meet, everyone you know, and everyone you speak to on a daily basis.  Imagine that flaw is HOW people react to you.

Then, one day, noone focuses on the flaw anymore and your free to be you.

But if the male presentation is what is/was considered to be the 'worst possible characteristic'.... then when people like Steph are living full-time as female, it's not really that people aren't focusing on the flaw, it's just that the flaw has disappeared....kind of like, if you suddenly had a huge wart removed from the tip of your nose (bad example, I know)...

Oh, by the way...a couple of you have mentioned 'sounding like a guy'.... I'll have you know that since coming to Susan's I've been much less self-conscious about the times when my voice is less-than-feminie(like first thing in the morning!) Or when I don't walk with as much poise as a lady 'should'...  I mean, I'm not a masculine girl at all as far as appearances are concerned, but some years ago when i wore my hair super-short, I was mistaken for a guy, and though ti was from a distance of maybe 20 yards away, I recall being angry and teary-eyed. If something like that, or even something more extreme than that, happened today, I don't think I'd bat an eye.  I couldn't, becasue it would be so trivial compared to the struggles I've seen discussed here.

Just my two cents' worth.  I gotta' run so you all can "tawk amonsgt you'selves"  (who was it that used to say that?)   

Valerie
« Last Edit: October 07, 2005, 03:09:48 pm by Valerie »

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