Author Topic: 30 day genderqueer challenge  (Read 71790 times)

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Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #340 on: February 08, 2017, 03:09:25 pm »
18) How does your gender factor in to your future plans?

Right now it's mostly exploring my newly understood identity, and how it fits with my transgender spouse. I need to know if my personal life has a future before I can even think of anything else.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #341 on: February 12, 2017, 06:03:19 pm »
Catching up after missing a few days...

19) What terms in the cisgender, GSM, or trans* community are problematic?

Queer. I'm a refugee from the 1980s, and to me queer is still a pejorative, an ugly insult, like the N word.

20) Have you faced any problems or gone through any changes regarding religion?

LOL, I'm an atheist. An antitheist, even. No, no problems.

21) How has your relationship with yourself been affected since you realized you were Genderqueer non-binary?

I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I understand better where these masculine behaviors and desires come from. However, it's worse because I don't know who I am anymore. I keep wavering between completely shutting down my male side (is it even possible?) and letting go and taking HRT to *really* get to know my male side for at least a year or two. Perhaps then I detransition and can better separate the two, and be TRUELY a girl when I want to be, and something closer to a guy when I want to be. Not this mixed up mess that I am right now

It's also been messy because I realize how much I've lied to myself over the years. I always thought I had a girly voice. No. I got a voice test and found out my voice is androgynous. Which really upset me. The main thing holding me back from HRT was that I didn't want to lose my feminine voice. Now I learn I never had one in the first place. It really shakes up what I thought I knew about myself.

22) What is your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

I am straight as a woman, and always thought I was at least a 0 or a 1 (low-level bi-curious). Fantasies aren't real, right? What goes on in my mind while I take care of my personal needs is just a fantasy that means nothing, right? I guess not. Since I began to acknowledge my male side, to let him lead sometimes, I've discovered that when in guy mode I'm bi.  A pretty solid 3. I haven't figured out what this means to me, or how it will affect things. I know it makes some things easier for my husband and his future transition, but my feminine side still needs to be treated like a lady by a man. It's all very confusing.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #342 on: February 13, 2017, 03:53:07 pm »
23) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your gender to friends? Acquaintances? Strangers?

It's complicated. I want to talk about it, it feels good and helps me work out my own confusion issues. However, it is very wrapped up with my husband's own transition, and he's not out yet except to a very select handful of people, so I can't talk about it without outing him. None of those people  we're out to want to talk about it. They're either not quite comfortable or don't know what to ask, or it's a non-issue for them. In some cases know more than we do! Our kids in particular have a lot of trans friends and don't think it's a big deal.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #343 on: February 14, 2017, 01:16:11 pm »
Day 24) How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

It hasn't really.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #344 on: February 15, 2017, 06:04:35 pm »
25) Your first queer crush or relationship?

My husband. Though I'm not sure how that counts, because I thought he was cis for the first 10 years of our marriage. The next 18 years he went back in the closet, and he was mostly cis to me, still. Now we're working through our relationship, and trying to figure out where it's going. I'm the far less flexible partner in the relationship.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #345 on: February 16, 2017, 02:00:26 pm »
Day 26) Discuss how your clothes do or don’t reflect your gender.

Ooh, this is complicated. I've been pushing my female side for years, and my wardrobe reflects both my denial of my masculine side, and the limits he has put on my femme side's choices.

On the surface I'm entirely femme. Skirts only. I don't even own a pair of pants. Shorts yes, pants, no. But none of them are frilly or pink or super femme. They're classic and businesslike, in conservative colors. It makes my female side happy to be a "girl" without giving my male side a heart attack.

I also wear 3" heels or ballet flats all the time. The heels force me to walk "like a lady" which I fail at. My mannish hips make me stride/swagger like a man. The ballet flats are only for when

Shirts, similarly, are classic and conservative. No ruffles. No bows. No pink or otherwise overtly femme design. My guys just says no.

In very recent years, thanks to helping my daughter be the femme girl she is, I've broken through some of those barriers, a little bit. I actually bought a (black) pencil skirt with a ruffled bottom - which felt like a real step forward as my my guy is letting me be more femme as a girl, and a couple of floral blouses with pink in them.

Since I've finally acknowledged my male side, he's letting me do more. I actually have a pink sparkly sweater, something that would have made me incredibly dysphoric about just a year ago, and a workout outfit that's mostly pink. Even the shoes have pink trim.

These freedoms to be girly are making me more comfortable to start exploring my male side in a more meaningful way. I've picked out some men's underwear that meet my requirements for physical comfort, and I'm waiting for payday to get them. I've also started feeling out men's fashion and figuring out what fashions are right for me. Mostly, so far, henley shirts. And possibly Levi's, if I get my abdominal surgery soon. Without that surgery I cannot wear pants of any kind. I do like Utilikilts, though.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline Cailan Jerika

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #346 on: February 20, 2017, 01:21:19 pm »
I got behind again, which means I finish it up today.

27) Write a poem about being Genderqueer non-binary. (if you struggle, try a haiku, acrostic poem with your name, or just a stream of conciousness paragraph).

Oh, gawd, I hate poetry. Okay, here goes.

Man, woman, mixed all up
How can it be I don't know me?
I want to be one or the other
But killing one won't make me free.

28) Who are some people in your life, on or offline, who make your life better? Your relationship doesn’t have to be related to queerness being non-binary trans.

My husband, always. And my adult children. Online I have an amazing collection of friends whom I found I rely on far more than I ever expected possible for people I've never met.

29) Some positive Genderqueer non-binary gender experiences?

I really haven't had any, positive or negative. Not yet anyway. Maybe when I come out, if I ever do.

30) What does Genderqueer non-binary gender mean to you?

Confusion. Uncertainty. It means I have two genders existing within me at once and while they agree on a few things, it's a constant tug-of-war over who I am. It means making decisions that hurt myself, no matter what choice I make.
Cailan in guy mode, Jerika in girl mode, but usually a guy happily living in a girl's body.






Offline infidel

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #347 on: March 21, 2017, 04:59:01 am »
I'm in University, so my postings will probably be very irregular, so I will take this challenge three days at a time.

1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?
I've mostly just gone by genderqueer.

2) How did you grow up with your gender?
When I began puberty and developed XX secondary sex-characteristics at a very young age (10) was very uncomfortable. I had these very large breasts that I didn't ask for. Before learning transgender was a thing I considered being a boy, when I got to middle school and I learned about HRT I gave the thought a more serious consideration but determined that while I feel very much "boy" I still felt "girl" as well and decided to let my body be and identify as a woman.
On a positive note, I came from a very supportive family that didn't feel it was appropriate to tell their child to act "like a girl" and had no qualms with me going into the sciences, playing with the neighborhood boys, and later dating girls.
When I got to University I discovered genderqueer as an identity, and felt very much comfortable with it.

3) What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / gender...?
Haha. This one has gotten me some flack. I will most often identify lesbian since it more accurately shares my femme-based sexuality, and it BOTHERS my family so much because I somehow married a man. When I try to explain that gender and sexuality are separate and at the end of the day my wonderful feminine husband and I are very much happy, they are just confused yet happy for us. Honestly I think my Mom is just salty that she didn't get another daughter out of this. But with my close queer peers, a lot of us share the similar thought that ones sexuality cannot be confined to a single word. 
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 01:54:09 pm by Joanna50 »

Offline Jacqueline

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #348 on: March 21, 2017, 01:47:51 pm »
I'm in University, so my postings will probably be very irregular, so I will take this challenge three days at a time.

1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?
I've mostly just gone by genderqueer.

2) How did you grow up with your gender?
When I began puberty and developed XX secondary sex-characteristics at a very young age (10) was very uncomfortable. I had these very large breasts that I didn't ask for. Before learning transgender was a thing I considered being a boy, when I got to middle school and I learned about HRT I gave the thought a more serious consideration but determined that while I feel very much "boy" I still felt "girl" as well and decided to let my body be and identify as a woman.
On a positive note, I came from a very supportive family that didn't feel it was appropriate to tell their child to act "like a girl" and had no qualms with me going into the sciences, playing with the neighborhood boys, and later dating girls.
When I got to University I discovered genderqueer as an identity, and felt very much comfortable with it.

3) What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / gender...?
Haha. This one has gotten me some flack. I will most often identify lesbian since it more accurately shares my femme-based sexuality, and it BOTHERS my family so much because I somehow married a man. When I try to explain that gender and sexuality are separate and at the end of the day my wonderful feminine husband and I are very much happy, they are just confused yet happy for us. Honestly I think my Mom is just salty that she didn't get another daughter out of this. But with my close queer peers, a lot of us share the similar thought that ones sexuality cannot be confined to a single word.

infedel,

Welcome to the site.

Sorry to interrupt the topic but wanted to welcome and leave a message. I had to edit your post, infedel. We have a fairly strict language policy here. So, I will correct that and will not leave a smite, as we do for people in the know.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read


Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna
1st Therapy: February 2015
First Endo visit & HRT StartJanuary 29, 2016
Jacqueline from Joanna July 18, 2017



Offline karenk1959

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #349 on: March 23, 2017, 02:53:55 pm »
How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed? Recently came out as gender dysphoric and it is straining my marriage. I am mtf and wish to crossdress under my clothes, but don't want to disrupt my marriage of many years, so it is frustrating not having an outlet to feel feminine.

How did you grow up with your gender? I have been raised and educated culturally as a male (my biological sex), but as a young child had fantasies becoming a girl, especially a ballerina, played with dolls with a girl across the street, and dressed up in my mother's underwear all the way through puberty. My urge to be female became repressed for many years and I developed chronic depression.

Offline Cognition!

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #350 on: April 08, 2017, 05:22:45 am »
This seems fun. I'll give it a try!

1) Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

I'm not out to anyone in real life yet. If I had to classify how I feel right now, I'd say I'm genderflux between demigirl, agender, and demiguy. But as I'm still in the questioning stage, that could change at any moment. Hence the flux part.  :)

I'm confident that I'm non-binary. So if I was asked, that's probably what I'd say.

Offline Cognition!

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #351 on: April 09, 2017, 11:20:50 am »
Day 2

"How did you grow up with your gender?"

I grew up not quite a cisgender female, but not quite a demigirl either. When I was younger I used to be quite into feminism and "girl power", et cetera. But I envied boys. And I recognised society's inherent gender prejudices quite early on.

Come to think of it, my gender preference fluctuated even at a really young age. When we played imaginary games at school- pretended to be fairies, and so on (admittedly, most of my friends were girls at that age), I'd sometimes choose to be a male character; sometimes choose to be female. It never seemed to matter to me. And I always rejected the whole 'pink for girls; blue for boys' thing. And when we played games with boys against girls, I tended to go between the sides without even noticing. It's funny when you look back on it. By the time I was about 10, my friends were equally male and female.

The first thing I heard of gender identity was when Conchita was on the Eurovision Song Contest, crazily enough. I couldn't figure out if they were male or female, and then I realised I didn't care. My parents closed the TV off when she won, in anger. I researched it later and found out what genderfluid meant. I didn't really think about it again.

I remember so many other things which led me to question society's two-gender thing. When one of my friends couldn't join the school netball team, because he was a boy. When there was a "gender-swap" day at school- it was gender equality day or something- and the boys dressed up in dresses, and the girls wore trousers to school, but I didn't change anything.

When I was about 11 I learnt what transgender meant, but only within the binary. I didn't really relate to it. I thought I was stuck as a girl forever. I still hated things like dresses, and make-up and boy bands (we were just entering One-Direction-era), and pink, and I loved typically masculine things like Maths, and Science. It was then that I went into single-sex classes at school, which completely suppressed my gender expression for years. I lost all of my male friends. I faked being a cisgender female, to fit in. And that's when puberty starting kicking in, and that's when I started self-harming.

That's how I grew up around gender.








Offline Cognition!

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #352 on: April 11, 2017, 01:41:45 pm »
Day 3

"What’s your favorite ways of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderscrewing?"

It should say "What're your favourite ways?", not "What's your favorite ways". #BritishEnglish

I wouldn't say I'm that into genderbending. I wear clothes from the male/unisex sections because I like them, not to genderbend. Sure, I do lots of Maths, Science, et cetera presenting as a girl- but I don't see those things as gendered, even though society does. I do say variations on "Did you just assume <person>'s gender?" quite a lot, but not in an 'edgy' way- just to make people think twice.

Day 4

"Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes"

When you realise you don't know any other non-binary people...or know of them, either.  ???

Offline angelesthekid

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Re: 30 day genderqueer challenge
« Reply #353 on: July 09, 2017, 05:16:55 pm »
I guess being pro feminists and women's empowerment af while being masculine presenting has upset quite a few people in my social setting.


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