Community Conversation > Male to female transsexual talk (MTF)

Is it for me?

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stephanie:
I definitely think finding yourself is priority.  When I first came to Susan's I didn't know myself (can argue whether I do now or not).  Therapy will definitely help too.  They won't be able to tell you, but they'll be able to help you with this discovery by directing questions to things you may not have thought about.  The most important thing is just be honest, because there are no right or wrong answers.

Shelley:
Hi YouTellMe,

Welcome to Susans, the others are right you need to find the path thats right for you. A therapist can help you on the journey of self discovery but ultimately it's your choice.

Reading the experiences of others can help also and that's one of the advantages of visiting Susan. The best advice I can give though is to take your time and look into yourself for guidance and share your thoughts here with others who are or have been where you are.

Goodluck.

Shelley

YouTellMe:
I’m not sure about a therapist, but that doesn’t mean I wont look into one later.

If being truthful is something that matters (which I already knew, but a lot of people mentioned it), I might as well give you a piece of my life.

As a child I was “normal” in every way, from what I can remember. And growing up, I never had “strange” thoughts. If you were to have met me 4 years ago, you wouldn’t know I was the same person now. Back then, I was very out spoken, I had a lot of spunk if you will. I always made my voice heard. I had a lot of pride in myself. And at school, I was known by almost everyone. When someone would start talking to me, I spoke from my heart. That’s a bit strange to hear, but it’s not for me considering my life now. I was the kid at school who made everybody laugh. Not the class clown, but a great guy who enjoyed life. I was also very witty. When it came to girls, I could basically have anyone I wanted. I wasn’t the most popular guy in school, mainly because I wasn’t in the “preppy” clique. I did my own thing and people respected that. A lot of people looked at me as a “Skater”. But that doesn’t really matter. Finally, if anyone would badmouth me about anything, no matter what it was, I ignored it. I would come up with some smartass remark and go on with life. And never took in what criticism they gave. I did as I wanted.

To everyone from classmates to friends, to family and just people in general, I was kid with a lot of charisma. But now, things have completely flipped around.

Now, now I have no self esteem what so ever, I have anxiety problems about going out in the world. I’ve lost tough with my friends, and some family members. There are NUMEROUS other things that have now “troubled” me. I worry about what other people think of me, which I never used to care about. I have no pride anymore, or even a will to live. I go from day to day just, living. Not much else but eat, sleep, and drink.

But all this “bad” just didn’t come out of nowhere. I know exactly what had started it. It wasn’t sudden, but progressed to what it has become today.

For the start of my depression it had to have been freshman year at high school. But it was very minor. I wouldn’t go up to the “hot” chicks as I once did. Mainly because I figured they wouldn’t want a “freshman”. But that’s not really what made my life the living hell it is today.

Its now my junior year, about half way through it…
Some friends and myself would regularly get together after class to smoke marijuana and just hand out. And one day we started thinking of nicknames for each other. And mine, well mine sounded like my real name, but derogatory towards gays. I didn’t like the name, what straight guy does? But, I went along with it. With my “new” name came other things. The father of my friend started asking if I was gay. Ever sign le really was “No” until the point I wanted him to pay for him nagging me about it. If that wasn’t so bad, he made mentions of his son and myself being gay lovers. And OF COURSE, everyone else found it funny. We weren’t gay, we were good friends who hung out a lot. They’re family is very racist.
So after some time of this, I started giving up arguing with them. When they asked I just told them to shut up. And yes, I tried the ”I don’t appreciate being called this, can you please stop” but only made matters worse. Now this brought up questions like” Why haven’t you had a girlfriend in the last year?” Because the one girl I did want a relationship with, I messed it up by letting jealousy get in the way. But that wasn’t a good enough answer for them. Everyone knows that high school social life is important. And rumors in high school spread fast. So the rumor of me being gay somehow started. And my friend that I knew since we were in grade school, didn’t ask if it was true. Why would they want to be involved and possibly get mixed up in it as well. So now I’m the gay kid at school. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing your not, yet there’s nothing you can do to change others minds…NOT….

So then I start thinking that maybe it’s the way I’m acting that makes people judge me this way. I’m a scrawny kid so I figured that puffing out my chest would make me look manlier? Don’t ask what I was thinking then, because I have no idea. From the front I did look “buffer” so I was happy and started doing it at school. Walking around all the time like this. I really should have NOT done this. Because a few months later an old friend *male* flirted with me. But it wasn’t because he was gay, it was because him and some others were talking about me in the other room. So he came in to mess with me. I gave him an odd look and asked “You ok man?” and he laughed and walked out. And then one of the persons in the other room said “He’s gay because there ant many girls he hangs out with”. They were right, not many girls did hang out there. But where I skateboarded at the time there were always girls I was hanging around with. So now even my own friends are starting to think I’m gay. I KNOW I should have said something, I know. But I didn’t, and I regret not doing it. And now its been almost 8 months with me not leaving my house for fear of being ridiculed for something I’m not.

Now that I wrote all this, I noticed I really didn’t mention to much of why I think becoming a woman is right for me. But at least you know something about me, right?

So that’s my life as it stands now, very sad if I do say so myself. I think about my problems often, and tell myself to just get over it and go on with life. Forget what ethers think about me and be myself. But its a lot harder than most people think. I need to take things one day at a time. Things aren’t as bad as they used to be either. I my eyes would get real watery just thinking of my life almost to the point of crying. And now only occasionally and if I’m real down does it happen. I also talk down to myself on the subject. And would rather “Come out of the closet” just so people wont call me gay anymore. But then I would just be making more problems. And I really don’t need men hitting on me. I think that itself would drive me to insanity.

All in all I really just don’t want to be depressed, I’m sick of it. Its not me, depression is something I thought world never happen to me. I was too much of an upbeat spirit. But like they say about parents who tell their children they’re worthless, it causes mental damage. I know first hand its true.

Cassandra:
Hey you,

I read your story and guess what? You are not alone. What you have experienced is the classic grade school to high school transition. If you are like most kids you went from your Jr. High to High School with pretty much the same people. Many of whom may have been jealous of your popularity so they start rumors. In high school among high school kids rumors become truth because everybody is talking about it. Basically you were sabotaged from day one. The more you denied the more credence the rumor was given and that brings you to where you are now.

It's a dynamic specific to teenage years. I remember them well. Thing is I always knew who and what I was except for me I was trying to hide from that because it got me into too much trouble. No one tried to sabotage me it was just that in the end I could never really hide who and what I was and it took another 35 some odd years to finally come to grips with my own truths. At this stage in your life I think you are in a much differnet situation which has some similarities.

I am reading in your post that it seems like you are letting these other kids define you. You are at that age when most kids are trying to find themselves and believe me they are just as uncertain about themselves as you have described about yourself. So who are they to define you.

High school is four years out of your entire life. Where do you think these other kids will be in five years after graduation? Ten years? Will it matter to you where thay are? You have to take control of yourself and stop letting these nobodies define you.

The head cheerleader will marry the star quarterback who will end up working at the local hardware store regaling customers with tales of his past glories. At five o'clock he will go home to his 230# wife and 5 screaming children and kick the dog. Then he will flop down in his lazy boy recliner turn on the television and drink 1 to two six packs of beer. They will appear at the 10 year high school reunion and you will wonder why you ever thought that these peoples opinions mattered to you at all.

Are you a woman? Only you can answer that and so far you haven't really told us why you think you are. So I will stop here now and let you reply.

Good Journey,

Cassie

stephanie_craxford:

--- Quote ---Now that I wrote all this, I noticed I really didn’t mention to much of why I think becoming a woman is right for me. But at least you know something about me, right?
--- End quote ---

You've had a pretty tough experience so far, it's sad that people treat each other this way, but then we are dealing with human nature.

Cassie is right, don't let others define your destiny.  May be your next post should be concerned with explaining why you think becoming a woman is right for you?  The only problem with that is, you don't "become" a woman in the way you seem to be referring.  From the quote above it would seem that you believe that becoming a woman will solve all of the problems you wrote about in your post.

Check out the following link to the Wiki https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Transsexual and browse there for a moment, then think about where you feel you fit in, if you do,  and then post it here.  It would really help others provide advice, and answer your questions a little better.

Look forward to your posts,

Steph :)

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