Author Topic: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)  (Read 4793 times)

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Offline MadelineB

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Greetings my friends!
In celebration of today, the two month anniversary of my joining Susans.org, I am beginning a new blog. I enjoy working on the News staff, and love interacting on the forums both giving support and receiving it, but I also have a lifetime's worth of personal thoughts and feelings that I bottled up that I have only this year, this amazing spring and summer (fall and winter for you aussies and kiwis) began to be able to write and share again.

I have always been an avid reader and a writer, an avid art appreciator and an artist, an avid thinkee and thinker, an avid emotionee and emotionitator, so look out world...

Madeline's B-Hive is officially open for buzziness!

Roles:
Me: I'm the queen bee of course. I won't drone on about myself. That comes later. ;)
You: This is a transgender transnational transcendental B-hive, so:
Don't get too stuck
 on being a drone or a worker bee,
 all are welcome to hang out with me,
 in whatever form your body heart
 and mind may need to take.
 Just please B-you
 for goodness'
 for art's
 and
 for your joy's sake.

Rules:
1. B-kind.
2. B-real.
3. B-true.
4. B-have. (don't B-hating and no B-rating).


So let's B-friends
 until the never-bitter end!
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2012, 04:52:15 pm »
I'm making this topic a sticky, so if anybody wants to comment on the blog as a whole, feel free to do it here. :)
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Online Devlyn

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2012, 05:18:16 pm »
All glory to the Queen Bee!

Offline Ms. OBrien CVT

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2012, 05:20:50 pm »
All Hail Our Queen Bee.







   
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me

Jamie D

Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2012, 09:36:49 pm »
Welcome to the blogosphere.

Online Devlyn

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2012, 10:18:46 pm »
Madeline, you've been busy as a......busy as...um....busy as a....darn it, I can't think of a good word to end this sentence!  You do know that the blog owner is billed per word, right? ThatswhyIdothissometimes. Hugs, Devlyn

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2012, 10:28:23 pm »
Madeline, you've been busy as a......busy as...um....busy as a....darn it, I can't think of a good word to end this sentence!  You do know that the blog owner is billed per word, right? ThatswhyIdothissometimes. Hugs, Devlyn
:laugh:
Devlyn, don't worry, the Czech is in the Mail, but it will be a good knight before he arrives. His pace is a Slovak! But it's dinner time, and I'm Hungary, so you need to stop talking with Danube so I can go eat.
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline Ms. OBrien CVT

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2012, 10:43:59 pm »
Hmmmmmm.  If Maddie got drunk and was staggering, would that make her a Bumble Bee?

   
It does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one.~me

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2012, 10:47:09 pm »
Hmmmmmm.  If Maddie got drunk and was staggering, would that make her a Bumble Bee?

Bumbles bounce!
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017

Jamie D

Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2012, 11:39:18 pm »

Rules:
1. B-kind.
2. B-real.
3. B-true.
4. B-have. (don't B-hating and no B-rating).[/font]


So let's B-friends
 until the never-bitter end!

This reminded me of something silly I used to play with the kids.

Telling a story, using only letters (sound it out)

C D B
D B S A BZB
D B S N NML
I M A UMN BN
U R N NML.

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2012, 12:14:42 am »
This reminded me of something silly I used to play with the kids.

Telling a story, using only letters (sound it out)

C D B
D B S A BZB
D B S N NML
I M A UMN BN
U R N NML.


One I learned in the USAF, NCO school, class focusing on difficult dialects:

M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R
C M WANGS
M R DUCKS
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2012, 12:21:01 am »
U R A B.
I M D Q E N B. :)
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline MadelineB

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Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :) - Poetry
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2012, 02:52:22 pm »
<< OPENING FANFARE, IMAGINE TRUMPETS AND HUMMING OF THE CHOIR >>

H.A.M. (Her Apian Majesty) Madeline hereby doth declare:

You may have noticed friends the presence of some poetry here in the hive.
I don't write to be read, I write to survive.
Getting these out of my head, and down on paper, and out in the world wide
has helped my soul to thrive.

For a gender studies class that a professor in the UK is teaching this coming term,
he asked for submissions of writings on transgender experiences.
I gave him a copy of the first 20 finished poems I wrote, written in my first three months living full time, with a title page that says:



TRIMESTER ONE:
Poems from the first three months
of a newly gendered life

by
Madeline B******* ********
copyright 2012, all rights reserved

I hope you enjoy them.
They were instrumental in my therapy, and with achieving a full reconciliation with my family.
Thank you to all of my friends at Susans who helped me to finally overcome my writers block after 20 years in the desert.
-Maddie Bee
 (D Queen B)
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Online Devlyn

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2012, 03:17:41 pm »
U R B U T-ful!

Jamie D

Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2012, 01:24:33 am »
You know what I had for breakfast?

MNX

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2013, 10:16:03 am »
Dispatch from the Queen B:
The B-Hive hasn't been buzzing lately.
Is its silence thick and golden like honey, or empty like an abandoned comb, activity moved on?
For me, a little of both.
One challenge for me is that unless I put extra effort in,
my writing comes out creatively
and the lines I write, end, suspicious as a poem,
 before they wrap at the end of the white space over here over here a little farther yes over hear oh hey I am wrapping again.
However, this is what my prose looks like if I don't scrupulously edit it.

My poetry
like this life of mine
gets written
one clear intention
one fuzzy dicing
at a time
the two endlessly
intertwined
like a living
bottle Klein

See the difference?

Life has been full of challenges the last six months, really wonderfully stretchy challenges that have helped me grow as a person.
I'm not being pollyanna-ish about that. By challenges, I mean not "bad things" that happen to me, but "good things" that lay a little or a lot beyond the edge of my comfort zone. My poor bogeymen and bogeywomen have been vaporizing like hash in a cannabis-legal state. PUFF.

I do confess, that there are a few things that still terrify me, which are outside of my comfort zone, with which I still struggle:

1) Causing pain through my decisions, actions, inaction, or communication, or lack thereof.
I've hurt people I care about, hopefully in ways that they can mend, hopefully in ways that does not get in the way of their own health, growth, or happiness. But I hate causing pain. And usually when I go quiet and stop buzzing, somewhere in there is me trying to avoid causing further pain. I am finally resuming writing publicly about my life here at Susan's because I think it won't be hurtful now.

Back at the end of April this year, I hurt a dear dear friend of mine with whom I had an active long distance romance bubbling, when I met a local guy who wanted exclusivity (and promised me the world), and I turned my open relationship into a closed one with only him in it.
Even now, six weeks after it came to its own abrupt end (he began his FTM transition and T while with me, and decided he and I weren't right for each other after all) I don't regret taking the time to focus on him - I lived at his house and shared his life at least six days out of every seven - for the four months I was with him, continuously, making wedding plans, retirement plans, adjusting careers to blend, and mostly just learning up close and personal what it feels like to have a full time love relationship as the woman I am today...
but buzzing here about the happy or giddy stuff in my life would have felt to me like a dig at the person who is still my best friend, but who stopped talking to me for a time because I changed our relationship unilaterally and abruptly, causing her pain. I do regret hurting her that way. I don't know if she'll ever really trust me again, and I can't blame her for that.

It is the danger of open dating, because our hearts do become attached to the people we love with body and mind, even if we say they won't, and when exclusivity resumes it excludes everybody but the one, and we can end up hurting each person left out of the new dyad. I don't know if I can do open dating again because of it. I'll see. Right now I'm not seeing anyone, though a few male drones have approached the hive looking for a new queen B, and I've met some lovely workers and queen Bs, all busy like me and not focused on romance at the moment.

It is also the danger of being in love with people going through puberty in their true gender for the first time - we can stop and turn on a dime, even if we were steady eddies in our previous lives. Ouch.

I used to take years- or decades- to change or end a relationship when I felt I needed to move on, always waiting for the other person to make the move that made us friends without the rest of the package. I am getting better at ending romances, even though I hate hate hate doing it and so much prefer it when people dump me. Speaking of which,

I felt if I kept writing it also would have added additional pain to my (ex)wife, who was also reading this space. She has had a very tough year since I moved out last December, and though I have not finalized the divorce because she begged me to wait- to give her time to get ready for independence- I have become very independent on my own, and itching to have that no longer hanging over my head as unfinished business. I think I made the right decision for me, by waiting, even though it did lose me one very smart and funny (and overbearing) fiancee, who tore up our marriage and shared life plans, and axed me as a friend, when I refused to divorce her before she could complete what he saw as an endless, and excuse-making, series of treatment.

Because of her newfound courage and determination, but enabled by my continuing support, she was able to go through two hospitalizations for depression and suicidality, and is alive today, and a productive stay in between those two in a rehab so she could detox off of the legal painkillers that had gradually taken over her life after she developed chronic neurologic pain following a succession of surgeries. She is finally starting to do much better, and I am proud of her, and she is still one of my best friends, though I take her cues from day to day if friendship or silence from me is what she needs most. It has been very painful for her to start to leave behind her complete emotional dependence on me (and the medication) but she is through with the medication and becoming much less dependent on me emotionally and financially, except in the mutually helpful way that friends do.

It killed me to have to be the one that ended all hope, that she had kept alive, that we would get back together, my wife and I. I know myself so much better than I once did, and in a marriage I need an equal partner who can race beside me into the unknown on our shared rocket trajectory until the warp coils kick in. Until I find him or her and they find me, I will continue on with my skeleton crew of one on board the USS Madeline B.

2. well I will have to pick up this thread later... I'm off to work...
Catch you later.
-Maddie
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline MadelineB

  • Life? Yes, Ma'am. It also comes in "Happy".
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Re: Maestra! Drumroll please... Madeline's B-Hive is open for buzzing :)
« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2013, 10:26:46 am »
But quick before I lose the thought, the other scary/hard things:
2. Tooting my own horn/drawing positive attention to myself. B-lieve it or not.
3. B-lieving and accepting that I can't do it all and that 'no time for that' is not always an excuse, but can just be me expressing my priorities.
4. Telling people about my struggles while I struggle. At least, if I can't pay you to listen. Then I don't feel so bad.
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive