Author Topic: hi  (Read 5107 times)

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water_girl

hi
« on: May 26, 2005, 10:26:19 pm »
Hi, everybody,

I don’t really know how to say this, so please be gentle with me. It’s very difficult to say these things after being so afraid to say them for all of these years so if I hit and run and don’t answer you, please don’t be mad.

**WARNING: This is really hard and I’m trying to get out thirty years of pent up frustration, so this is going to be really rambling and a little disjointed. Proceed at your own risk.**

I would give anything if I just had one person to tell that I’ve always wished I was a girl. Sometimes, I want it so badly that it breaks my heart.

I just wish I could move without wondering, “Uh oh, I hope that wasn’t too swishy”.

When I talk to my guy friends, it seems like we always have a script that we have to follow:

“Hey.”

“Hey. How’s it going?”

“Alright. You?”

“Alright. Phillies win last night?”

“No.”

And that’s pretty much the end of it. This is universal. Every guy on the planet talks this way to other guys. I hate that.

I listen to my sister and her friends and my girlfriend and her friends and the conversations they all have and I would sell my soul if I could be one of them. I don’t know when the last time any of my friends and I laughed together and I don’t believe I’ve ever, God forbid, touched one of them.

I would give anything to say, “those shoes are so precious!” or to ohh and ahh over a baby.

I think the closest I ever got was a couple of years ago when I got had a little too much to drink at a concert and one of my girlfriends told me, “You know you dance like a girl?” ("Why, thank you.")

Not very long ago at work, one of the guys got sick and I was fussing over him, asking if there was anything I could do, anything I could get him, and that kind of thing.

One of the girls there was standing next to me and said, “You’re going to make some lucky guy a wonderful wife one day”. I know she was just teasing and I know that she didn’t have any idea what she was saying, but I was so happy that somebody would say that, I almost cried. To my twisted way of thinking, it was almost like some kind of validation.

Kind of like the time in jr high school that I took the French class. On the first day, the teacher told us that we’d be using the French equivalent of our English names.

The teacher called me up and whispered, “Your French name would be Michelle, but how about we call you Marcell, instead.?” “NO! Er, I mean, that’s ok. I’m sure I’ll manage.”

The other kids snickered, but I thought I’d died and gone to Heaven. For half a year, I got to use a girl’s name and nobody thought it was strange.

I had three little girlfriends when I was young, maybe about fifth or sixth grade. I loved to play with them because we played so differently than I did with my boy friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked playing boy games, too, but when I was with Marcia and Angela and Jennifer, we would talk and tease each other and dance and lie on our backs and look at the clouds. It was so nice to be with them and just be close to one another. I think if I ever had any opportunity to tell anyone that I was really a girl, it would have been them. I think they kind of adopted me as one of them, without my ever having to say so.

I know what they would have said: “Guys, I know this is going to sound weird, but listen: I know I look like a boy and I know you think I’m a boy, but I’m really a girl inside.” “Well, duh! Why do you think we asked you to be our friend? ” LOL…they were my angels.

When I was little enough for it still to be cute, I got caught dressing in one of my sister’s dresses. My sister freaked out and my mother calmed her down. “Now, sugar, all children play. That’s how they learn. It didn’t mean anything.” My sister surprised her by saying, “I don’t care about the dress. He put a run in my hose!”

So, later on, I went back looking for the dress and it was gone. My mother sat me down and asked me point blank, “Do you want to wear it?” She was very sweet about it, but I was so embarrassed because I thought I’d done something wrong that I said, “No ma’am” and that was the last anyone ever talked about my impeccable fashion sense. And, by the way, I do have a wonderful eye for fashion, if I do say so myself.

Unfortunately, I think that’s as close as I’ll ever come. I can’t even dress because they just don’t make clothes for 6’4 240lb barrel chested girls like me. And those cute, pink and white strappy sandals just don’t come in a size 13.

I have to walk past a formal gown store on my way to physical therapy. It’s torture. I went to New York City last year and thought, “what the heck, nobody here knows me”, and went window-shopping, looking at all of the pretty spring dresses. After all, in our society, looking too long at pretty clothes is as deviant as wearing them. It made me feel better for a few minutes, but then made me feel worse than ever when I came back down to Earth and realized I’d never wear them. Oh well, a girl can dream, can’t she?

What I wouldn’t give to be able to wear a pretty yellow sundress and those cute little pink and white sandals out to the park and to be little and pretty and soft.

I want to walk like a girl once in a while, darn it! I want to turn my stereo up really loud and pretend to be Helen Forrest and Jo Stafford, like I did when I was little. (Helen Forrest and Jo Stafford…kids, ask your grandparents). I want to cook for a man and take care of our children. If only…
 
What's really funny is that I've found a couple of sites (and I guess you've already seen them) that have little tests to tell you if your brain's gender is a male or female.

I've taken five or six of them and they all tell me I'm a girl. One even told me I was a "girly girl". I was so happy I almost cried. I almost felt like I was normal. Or, at least what would be normal if everything was like it should be.

It frustrates me so that all of the qualities that make me “funny” as a male, and that I have to hide as a male would be desirable for a female. Why won’t they let me just feel the way that I feel? I’m a good person and I try to be kind to others. Isn’t that enough?

Well, I don’t really know what else to say. Thank you for listening and letting me be myself for five minutes out of thirty years.

beth_finallyme

Re: hi
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2005, 10:49:11 pm »
Quote
I would give anything if I just had one person to tell that I’ve always wished I was a girl. Sometimes, I want it so badly that it breaks my heart

You have just told us water_girl! 

 I know it isn't the same as telling someone we know, but it is a start. Welcome and hello. I hope you stay and chat with us now that you are here. We have all had lots of the same feelings and experiences that you have had so it is easy for us to relate to them.

And yes, you are a girl inside and that's why we want you for a friend!


beth

4years

Re: hi
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2005, 11:06:51 pm »
I am somewhat at a loss for words as your tale… lets just say it rings a few cords. *HUG* I understand, at least somewhat. My arraignment is different, but I know that pain. I’m sorry.

But before I misplace my manors…

A very special and heartfelt welcome to Susan’s most wonderful place, Water_Girl. Hello!

I hope you will find this place as welcoming as I have.

Be at ease and peace here.

Dorian

Re: hi
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2005, 12:36:01 am »
First, let me welcome you to this great place, here you are safe and you can share your story or just ask question, any question you wont be judged.

Let me tell you something, you aren alone. I am 30 yr old too, and I have just started. Im not even on mones yet.

Has for yearning things, well I always wanted a teddybear, and I wasnt brave enuff to ask for one. I hate to had to act like a "guy" I dont really like sports and cars and some other male things.

I prefer to talk with my friends specially about feelings, since im a very emotive person.

Well since coming out of denial I have realized that I never actually acted like a "guy" and I was really afraid of other ppl noticed my girly acts, so I put on a mask and pretended.

Has for your heigth and weigth, your heigth is very nice, and you can lose weigth, I know that having big feet feels awful, and I will love to look cute but I will be me and thats important.

There are more thing I will to talk with you, and I hope you came back here.

Good luck and feel free to ask anything ^^

Offline Dennis

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Re: hi
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2005, 09:49:42 am »
Welcome water_girl. I'm the token guy around the place, having just started heading in that direction at the age of 42. It's never too late to be who you are inside.

That was a beautifully expressed story (and thank you for the little lesson in guy talk. Guess I'm gonna have to learn about sports!). I hope you do find your peace.

Do you know how many models would kill to be 6'4"? Don't let your height bother you. You'll look fabulous if you decide to dress femme.

Dennis

Offline Louise

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Re: hi
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2005, 03:27:09 pm »
You are not alone.  Welcome to the home of many other "gender challenged" individuals.  Many of us older girls have been through many years of denial and frustration before admitting to ourselves who we are.

If I might make one suggestion (you can take it or leave it for what it is worth) -- try to realize your dreams, even if it means making compromises.  Do more than window shop -- buy yourself a dress.  Try on some makeup.  You cannot live in a fantasy world and be satisfied.

Dorian

Re: hi
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2005, 05:34:58 pm »
You cannot live in a fantasy world and be satisfied.

 :'(
That strike me hard... really hard.

For me fantasy was a way to keep me sane during the years of denial, but now im making those dreams in realities.

I cant escape myself, there is no point running I just know that im happy knowing who I am now, and that I can adjust my body to my true gender, but I still have fears mainly cuz my suurounding, but has long I have some friends supporting me. I will aim for my dream to be seeing has a woman.

And yes, its never late. =^..^=

water_girl

Re: hi
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2005, 10:02:07 am »
I wasn't going to come back because this is just so, so difficult to talk about, but I had to come back to say thank you all for your kind words. They mean more to me than I can possibly say.

I'm really struggling right now to understand what all of this means and to learn what my place in the world is so any prayers or happy thoughts would be greatly appreciated.




Offline Dennis

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Re: hi
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2005, 01:22:43 pm »
I empathize with you, water_girl. It is difficult. I reached the point of suicide or do something, and the fact that I even considered the former (cause I'm such a bluebird of happiness normally) says to me how difficult it is to get over that hurdle.

It does get easier in time. You have a journey of self-acceptance to go through. One thing that helped me was reading about the "hormone wash" theory and possible biological causes for gender identity issues. That is the theory that says we are subject to a hormonal imbalance in the womb at a crucial time in fetal development that causes our brains to develop in one direction and our bodies in another. There is no one, accepted, scientific theory, but some followup brain studies appear to support it and the burden of proof in science is so high that there may never be a proven solution. Nonetheless, there is a reason I'm this way and that reason is not one within my control. I am a happy functional individual in all other areas of my life, as are many others who are also trans. I am a successful professional and would certainly not have chosen the risk of career disruption this carries were it not for a compelling reason.

This is not a moral issue, and it is not one to feel shame over. You're just different. We're all just different and that doesn't make it right or wrong any more than having blue eyes rather than brown eyes, or being Jewish, rather than Christian does. Whether it's nature or nurture doesn't matter.

And that's all easier said than done. I'm lucky I got to go through it twice. Once coming out as a lesbian and then coming out as trans.

Good luck on your journey.

Dennis

beth_finallyme

Re: hi
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2005, 07:04:29 pm »
Quote
I wasn't going to come back because this is just so, so difficult to talk about, but I had to come back to say thank you all for your kind words. They mean more to me than I can possibly say.

I'm really struggling right now to understand what all of this means and to learn what my place in the world is so any prayers or happy thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


I hope you do come back water_girl, I do know how difficult it is. I suffered for many years with the same feelings. It hurts to talk about it, but talking brings relief eventually. <not allowed> can be fatal if ignored so be very careful with yourself.

We need you here, we all need each other at certain times. I have found that the <not allowed> are very special people, very intelligent with good hearts so in some ways we are fortunate. It is difficult, but if you chat here, you can completely be yourself and that alone is a special feeling.


love beth

4years

Re: hi
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2005, 09:02:36 pm »
… It is difficult, but if you chat here, you can completely be yourself and that alone is a special feeling.
Very special, and I for one I think is worth staying around for.

You are welcome here water_girl, to chat and or to lurk as you please.

Be safe and be well regardless what you choose.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2007, 05:10:52 pm by beth »

beth_finallyme

Re: hi
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2005, 09:37:16 am »
4years posted

Quote
You are welcome here water_girl, to chat and or to lurk as you please.



You are very welcome just to come and read and know you are in a place where everyone understands how you feel.  If you ever want to add a word or two just do it, it is a wonderful feeling to tell about yourself and it is completely anonymous.


love beth

4years

Re: hi
« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2005, 05:14:01 pm »
What most people call friends are overrated.

Until you finally find a true friend.

I spent a decent amount of time lurking these forums before I ever posted, so I had a good idea of what kind of welcome I would likely receive. Regardless when I wrote “*holds breath; hits submit… and hopes.*” in my own introduction it was a very accurate statement. Saying hello here or anywhere is a leap of faith. Sometimes it’s rewarded and sometimes not.

tonigirl7777

Re: hi
« Reply #13 on: June 08, 2005, 04:04:43 am »
hi- water_girl
i am new to  susan's  place  too and i  am like you in everyway.  i want  to be able to express  my feminine feelings  too  but at the moment i can't-  it hurts  to hide  my self. 
best  wishes  to you  and i hope  i  can find friends  here like  you did.  tonigirl7777 
 ??? ??? ???

beth_finallyme

Re: hi
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2005, 11:52:43 pm »
Hello water_girl!!!    :-*

beth

Re: hi
« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2005, 12:49:15 am »
hello again water_girl   :)


i just wanted you to know we havent forgot about you! drop by anytime because you are always welcome, to read or to post. i hope all is well with you.




love and happiness   :icon_bunch:

beth

beth

Re: hi
« Reply #16 on: July 01, 2005, 12:49:51 am »
We havent forgotten you water_girl! Please stop and say hi next time you come by. :icon_wave: :icon_wave: :icon_wave:








beth

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