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Just passing through

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AlyssaMacDonald:
I read the articles you have on hormones and their effects on the body. I found the article very informative, and in some ways enlightening. --------------------------------------------------So far, I have been on for about 2 months (perhaps a little less.) and I have not had any terrible side effects other then tender breast area (for some reason around my legs and butt too?) and that's pretty much it. Oh and I'm gaining a lot of water weight (I'm 6'4 180lbs from an original 173) No mood swings, no blood cloths or anything. This isn't to say I'll never get them, and am not damaging my body in the process, I probably am. The reason I am taking these risks is simple. I simply don't care. I guess that sounded wrong, what I mean is that I believe it is worth the risk for my goal. My goal isn't vague. I made a decision a long time ago, and I know for some of you, a long time ago at 18 is laughable, but regardless, I made the decision to do this with my life, and the longer you wait it just gets so much harder. My parents don't support it (obviously) so I did the only thing I could. I can't get the words out right without sounding rediculous for some reason. Maybe it's because it's so late. I have no idea either why I'm trying to justify myself to a bunch of strangers?

Listen, I know I should have waited until I could afford/get professional medical help (I mean more or less supervision, I went to a gender therapist for 2 years who concured that I wans <not allowed> and should seek to transition if I so felt inclined. In fact, she went so far as to bring up valued rescources and great information. However, I could not afford these. My parents would not let me live in their house if I didn't go to school, and I refused to go to college without having atleast a year of hormones and exposure to living female. Sadly I had to chose one since I now work and pay rent with a roomate. Since no one in the logical mind could see a 6'4 feminine but distinctly looking male get a job while "cross dressed" well it limited my options didn't it? My roomate is also TS, so she is helping me with the other part at home..., but... seeing the future and how hard it is to transition then... Right now I'm only 18, I work at a stupid deli I can quit any time. No one takes me seriously as a male all ready anyway, I'm all ready andryogenous. They make fun of me because of my long hair, and that I have semi feminine features (but mostly the hair) sure, but it's all in fun and not meant to be mean in any way. I find girls are MORE attracted to me because of it, which puts me in an awkward position. I chose to go on hormones for a year before I go off to college, transferring in to school as a girl after a full year and a half of hormone therapy and well, practice? I guess that's a bad word for it, but yeah...gehhhhh I wish I could be more eloquent and not sound like such a dumb teenager. Anyway, I guess I just came to say that I thought the article that was written was great, and informative.

I realize what I am doing is dangerous and I have come to grips with the danger. Honestly sometimes I don't think I was meant for this world in the first place. That's not an emo teenager thing either, I'm not talking about suicide. Just displacement. Have you ever just felt displaced? It's kind of like a weird feeling. It's not unpleasent or depressing, it's just like a realization. You go "huh, weird" and move on. But anyway, that's rambling. I'm facing the dangers, knowing full well what they are (even more so now due to the articles) and I don't think that makes me brave or anything. The brave ones are the ones who CHOSE to wait, not wait because they are frightened. I waited 4 years, really long years to start this (I came out to my parents at 14) and cried about it many years before that. This is something I have to do for myself, it's not a necessity, but a choice. Anyone who says it's a necessity is wrong. I didn't chose to be the way I am, but I chose to pursue it in the hopes that it will one day make me a better and happier person. And if I have to risk some things to do that, I think it's worth it. I realize that may sound selfish, but honestly, what isn't selfish about doing something for yourself? It was selfish of me to rob my parents of their son, right? And it was, but that's life, those are the descisions we make in it.

And if everything works out, and I transfer to my college next year as who I am and want myself to be? Well, then doesn't that make the risk worth it?


I have no idea why I posted this. Forgive me if it's spam. Gah Sorry.

Cassandra:
Hi Alyssa,

Welcome to Susan's. You've read articles here and more than a few posts I imagine. You are perhaps one of teh most articulate 18 year olds I've seen post in awhile. No offense to the other teens here, but I appreciate not haveing to wade thru all the web talk abbreviations.

I'm sure you're expecting to get a good talking to about self medicating but you have made it clear that you are aware of the dangers and intend to pursue this course regardless. I can understand your sentimate. It's not that you don't care but are willing to risk the dangers because not doing anything is worse and hey what the heck it's this or suicide, right?

If you can afford the meds there are some things you could do that might lessen the risk for instance have your cholesterol checked if it's high you can take steps and reduce the risks. Have a blood test to check liver function. Have a regular medical checkup etc. THese are things any medical doctor can do and help you catch any problems. But DO and I can't stress this enough get a doctor who deals with TS individuals to help you as soon as you can.

Shall I talk you out of this course? Yes I should. In fact being a woman is much more than just the physical attributes the hormaones can give you. You can live as and be a woman without these. You can go to college now, as a girl and get on a proper medical program when you can. Don't throw away your life and damage your body doing something you don't have to do in order to accomplish your goals.

Don't just pass through Susan's stay and read others experience learn from them and become a whole person gradually. You don't have to rush it. take your time there are a lot of things you can do to transition without hormones.

So fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set aspell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

kloud9:
Like you I am 18. Also like you, I have had problems with my parents, I have not seen nor talked to them since my graduation in high school. Unlike you however, I am under doctors care and have been taking hormones since just after I turned 18 back in April. I do know about the displacement thing very much, I went through alot of my high school years stoned on drugs and depressed so much. My parents never seemed to want to understand me or try to even help me with my feelings, even though they knew I was not a happy person. I had a huge problem with disociation and PTSD, yes I was abused sexually and other ways.Therapists can really be a good thing. It's amazing how good you can feel after a session and knowing that meds such as with me, anti-deppresants can make a lot of differance in how I view the world and myself.  I have confidence, I live and dress as a female now and have as I said been on HRT since April. I can for the most part say that I am a happy person, sometimes, I do get in moods where I stay away from people and interaction on the net.
 I hope one day you can feel comfortable to feel you can see a therapist who can help you in your future plans. Surgeons won't do the operation without a therapists letter of approval. I did read on one forum where someone forged that letter and gave it to a surgeon. Sometime after the surgery, that person admitted all the mistakes and wished she could die because she felt horrible and depressed. It's a big step, once the surgery is done, there is no turning back. Even with hormones, after a certain point, there is no erasing their effects. You have been on them two months, so any changes wouldn't be permanent, but soon more changes wont be reversable. There are changes that happen like your body tone and muscles. You soon (sometimes with sadness) that you are also not as strong as you once were. I can't do the same things I could 6 months ago, sometimes I miss that ability but then, I won't be required to do alot of things to where I would need that ability.

Well, I do hope the best for you, all of us are here to give  advice and any questions that we can answer, we will. None of us are perfect, some of us are where you are, some are further along and some are terrible confused. We all have one thing in common, we've all been there at some point. Confusuion is probably the most eviil  thing I can think of.

Toni

LostInTime:
Hello!

Your height really is not that much of a factor.  Women appear to be getting taller.  I routinely run into teen gals I have to look a bit up to and I am near six feet tall as it is.

So passing may not be an issue and you never know how you will turn out after going through hormones and all.  Trust me on this one.  I went into bodybuilding in my early teens, completely destroying my then embarassing female frame.

Lots of hormones and very little weight training later I find myself doing what I thought was impossible:  living fulltime and passing just fine. Yes, it does take a lot of work and you probably will not look your very best until after you have been living fulltime for awhile or at least that is what I have noticed for myself and others that I have met on this journey.

Good luck on your journey.  :)

Peggiann:
Alyssa,

How are you doing. I hope you are well and that time and your life has been kinder to you. It makes me angry to know their are parents out there that will not seek out the help their child need and leave it to them to do and go through themselfs. What shallow and selfish people can they be that can turn there back on someone that is a part of them. This is hard for me to understand.

I have been searching through the older posts to get to know those the come here more. I found your post very touching.

I have 3 sons. All grown. It reminded me of a time when they were in High School. Some of the kids were attacking verbally another male student because he was Gay or different somwhow, very Femme. It was distressing to our youngest to see this and he would tell the others to lay off.

One day the attacks escilated and became physical. They chose an elderly teacher's classroom for this to happen in knowing they could not be stopped as easily. Our son ran down the two flights of stairs to the office on the main floor, for help. The student being attack was injured enough that he had to stay in the hospital over night. The others were given 2 weeks SIC STudent Isolation Detention. 

I remember thinking then that his parents should have pressed charges and wondered why they didn't. your letter helps me understand how that could be. I never gave it a thought that aparent would not go on loving their child just because of something like this. I could not do that.

Now years later my spouce has confided that all these years the body did not match either and is now Male to Female transitioning. I am ok with this and beleive that everyone, no matter whom it maybe has the right to live out their life doing what ever is needed to make them complete as they can be for them to be comfortable with themselves.

I do hope you are well and have found support in someone. you need this as you go through your journey. Take care and let us know how you are.

Smiles,
Peggiann

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