Community Conversation > Intersex talk

My Female/Male Confusion

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Well, I'm finding myself more and more confused and this seemed like a good place to find some help on the issues I'm coming up against.

I'm not really sure what you'd define as "intersex", but for many years now I have felt like neither male nor female. Biologically I am female. And I am more or less happy acting out that role in society. I feel no need to dress "male" or act "male".

The problem is this; sexually, I feel like I should be a male. This seems odd, I know, but that's honestly how I feel. And it does create difficulties, because I often act that way in the bedroom and it doesn't go over well with "straight" males. "Straight" sex does nothing for me - it only works when I imagine myself in the male role, or am allowed to act that role, if you understand me.

Yep, as you can see, I am very confused with myself. I've always felt a part of both sexes. As a child, I was very much the tomboy and always dressed male unless forced into girl's clothes, though that wore off with peor pressure really. Sexually, I like people according to who they are, not their gender. Although so far, I've only ever had men in my life, though I find females attractive sometimes too (I've never made the leap into dating one though, just because the girls I like always seem to be completely straight!). I only really have one night stands though because it just never feels right.

This has been getting more and prevalent in my life over the last few years (I'm 20). Is it possible this is because of hormone problem maybe? I have been getting some male characteristics over the past few years too, such as more body hair; I get hair on my face for example, though its not thick "male" hair. But enough to need shaving off. I have one of those Jacob's ladders that men have too, which I remove. My voice has always been fairly deep for a female. I don't think I am by birth transgender though - my body is completely textbook female.

If someone were to say, if you snap your fingers now, you'll become male, I'd snap my fingers. But I really don't think I could ever go through surgery or anything like that... argh, confused!

Does anyone have any advice? Or has anybody had the same problem?  ???

Hi MJ,

Sounds like you have come to the right place. Here at Susan's people from right accross the TG spectrum come to visit. I think also you might find the WIKI a great place for information.

As to being intersexed the WIKI says
--- Quote ---An intersexual is a person (or individual of any unisexual species) who is born with genitalia and/or secondary sexual characteristics of indeterminate sex, or which combine features of both sexes. (The terms hermaphrodite and pseudohermaphrodite, which have been used in the past, are now considered pejorative and inaccurate and no longer used to refer to an intersexual person.) Sometimes the phrase "ambiguous genitalia" is used.
--- End quote ---

The WIKI says much more on this subject and is worth reading if only for clarification. It may be that you are in fact intersexed but from the description you have provided you don't sound all that different to many of us here who identify with being TG.

I personally am a CD and for me it's not so much a sexual thing asas freeing the inner me. Shelley has been part of my life since I was about seven or eight. I'm now 45 and have only recently become very comfortable with who I am. Susan's and the lovely people who visit here are a very big part of that. I would therefore suggest to you that you become part of what we have here and participate in the discussions. From that process you may be able to lift some of the confusion from your horizon.

So welcome MJ and good luck on your journey of self discovery.


Hi Shelley! Thanks for your friendly reply. I did browse the message boards, and this does seem to be a nice, friendly accepting place. I've never spoken to anyone about my confusions before, so it's strange but nice to have a platform.

I think its wonderful you've found an outlet. And the fact that you found help here to get to the point you're at is very encouraging. I'd like to stick around and participate, and hopefully get a better idea of myself!

That's interesting about the "intersexual". So perhaps TG is a better term? I'm very new to all this, I've just kept it all to myself as much as possible, so I'm learning new terms here. It was just really bubbling up inside of late, and well, google beckoned  :P

Anyway, thanks again, and hope to see you around  :)

No worries,

One other suggestion I have is that it is not necessary to be nervous here as long as you play nice. Everyone is keen to help and offer advice. When I first came here I was so nervous that I would say the wrong thing. The moderators (coloured stars) are very helpful and have helped me on a number of occasions.

I look forward to seeing you around also.


Hi MJ,

Welcome to Susan's. You've come to the right place to help sort out your confusion. One thing that might be of some help, since you seem more inclined to being TS(Transsexual) but are afraid of surgery(who isn't) is to consider seeing a therapist. One who specialises in TG issues. This is the first step for anyone who decides to transition and is also very helpful for people who are trying to figure out were they fit in.

Now I'm not saying you need a therapist. Been misunderstood on that one before. Just that it may help you to sort things out. We at Susan's are always here to lend a sympathetic ear and offer some advice to help you on your journey.

There is lots of good info here and you should wander through the site. There are many people with many stories. Relax you are amongst friends who have been were you are. So fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,



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