Author Topic: Whats running through Heather's mind  (Read 143848 times)

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Offline Heather

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1280 on: December 17, 2014, 09:50:23 pm »
Thanks Beth you and Shantel,Zoe, and Carrie and countless others have been a huge help to me getting to the point I am today. I'll never forget the last two years of my life and the people I have met.  :)

Offline Heather

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1281 on: January 06, 2015, 09:27:23 am »
This whole Leelah situation made me think. Because really I could have been her 20 years ago. I came out to parents who were less than trilled to find out they had another daughter. I got sent to therapist who had no clue how to deal with someone like me. And like Leelah I was hurt and felt betrayed and was angry at my parents for not understanding. And also like her I wanted to end my life because of it.
But that's where the similarities end and the point I wanted to make begins. You see I almost killed myself but luckily I didn't. Because while it was hard and I wanted to die if I had I wouldn't have lived to see my family come around and wouldn't be around to write this today. If I would have took my life I would not have all I have today. And that's my whole point we talk about Leelah killing herself but what we don't talk about what would happen if she had not taken her own life. What future would she have had? Would her family have come around as she got older? And you know what these are questions that will never be answered because she took her own life.
When I was Leelah's age I couldn't see what the future would hold for me. It was bleak at times I wanted to die at times to but I managed to find my way through those dark times. Leelah wrote in her suicide note she had no future because she was trans. And that's the whole reason I am writing this because that is the kinda message we send to the younger generation when we constantly talk about suicide rates and all the negative stuff. Where is the voice that says it will get better? Where is the voice that say's you have a future? And that is the sad thing in this whole tragedy is because everyone is thinking about Leelah. As hard as it is to say Leelah is dead she can't be helped. I'm thinking about the next Leelah the one that sees all the negative stuff and thinks she or he doesn't have a future because they are trans. I'm thinking about the ones that can still be saved. When do we as a community stop talking about the problems with being trans and stop making it look like it's the worst thing ever? And start saying you have a future and it is as bright as you want it to be. Because really you never know who's reading all the negativity and believe they don't have a future.

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1282 on: January 06, 2015, 12:28:30 pm »
That is very true Heather... Among other things, we tend to worry about "passing" (and Leelah did, but there are those who pass and yet worry that they don't), the violence that *may* happen (like all things in life, there are no guarantees), acceptance from family and friends...mainly when one comes out, and in the near future; pain and success (or failure) of procedures....

A whole lotta negativity. I think it's wonderful that you pointed this out, because I had not seen it mentioned anywhere (and I myself hadn't thought of it)...the cliche "It gets better" is hollow and cruel to someone who can only see (because they are shown only) the negatives (granted also that teens often have a triple dose of angst, which requires much more real and evident good things to bear that period of adolescence).

*hugs*

...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017

Offline BunnyBee

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1283 on: January 06, 2015, 12:56:22 pm »
For me, the only thing that let me hang on (and just barely) were stories of hope, even simple pictures of trans women that looked great.  Those things made me feel like maybe there really was a chance to live a normal life after transition.  It saved my life, cuz I was without hope, and hopelessness was the thing that made me give up.  And I had 100% given up.

But I have found that if you try to paint too rosy a picture you will get accused of setting unrealistic expectations.  I think this should stop.  It is actually painting a bleak picture that is the dangerous thing.  It's fine to be realistic, it's great to vent, even though that means putting negative energy out, cuz venting helps us cope.

But I think hope is the thing that saves lives, and we should keep that in mind sometimes.

Offline Carrie Liz

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1284 on: January 06, 2015, 01:09:10 pm »
Ditto. If I'd have been able to see my future self, how I am now, back when I was a teenager, I wouldn't have fallen into so much despair.

Being visible, and showing people that it really is possible to transition as an adult and not just be "a freak" as so many teenagers assume adult trans women are, makes a big difference.

I lived in fear for years believing this. And what finally pulled me out of that was this site's "Before and After," as well as Youtube transition timelines from other girls who were just as big and just as masculine as me pre-transition and yet still transitioned to looking almost completely female. That was the first time I realized that there was hope. And it was the first time that I'd been exposed to trans people telling their own stories rather than the media picking and choosing which aspects of the story to tell.

Offline Heather

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1285 on: September 24, 2018, 05:44:12 pm »
It’s been a long time since I posted here. It’s crazy to think how much has happened in my life since I wrote this blog. But last week I finally had my final surgery related to this transition so I thought I would be nice to revisit where it all began. I never thought when I wrote this blog I would be sitting here today in a hotel room in California looking back on where I’ve been and where I would be going. Life is funny like that I guess, I suppose I’m writing this one out of boredom two out of a desire to show those that come after me there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I first started this transition I didn’t know if it would work out or not it scared the crap out of me honestly. I thought I’m just going to end up a freak show that will be picked on and laughed at the rest of my life.
But a strange thing happened over the last six years none of that happened actually sure I was scared but soon that fear turned into happiness and I learned that I was so much stronger than I had ever realized. Early in my transition the stuff I thought was so important wasn’t really that important in the end. At times I was wrong in beliefs or you could say I had a less open mindset at the beginning. But that’s a part of growing up and that’s what the past six years have been me growing up into the woman I am today.
The woman I am today is very much different than what I was at the beginning. I’m a partner to a wonderful woman I’m a parent something at the beginning of this journey I believed would never be a possibility. It’s still crazy to think I have a kid that calls me mom. But that has all happened because I took that initial risk of just living as myself, which looking back on it was less of a risk than actually living that lie I was living before.
For all the change that has happened over the last few years the most I feel the most important thing is I learned who I was and ultimately everything else fell into place. Last week when I went into that operating room I didn’t look at it as a comformation of who I was, but the final sentence of the chapter I started writing 6 years ago. Because I am today the person that started with the beginning of this chapter of my life.
So in closing if anyone finds this post and is scared about all that lies ahead of you. Don’t be, just be more afraid of not becoming the person you was meant to be in life.

Offline HappyMoni

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Re: Whats running through Heather's mind
« Reply #1286 on: September 24, 2018, 06:09:47 pm »
Heather, congratulation on your surgery and being yourself. Thank you for coming back and letting people know of your great outcome. You were a bit before my time here, but I am happy to see you happy.
Monica
If I ever offend you, let me know. It's not what I am about.
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HRT June 11, 2015. (new birthday) - FFS in late June 2016. (Dr. _____=Ugh!) - Full time June 18, 2016 (Yeah! finally) - GCS June 27, 2017. (McGinn=Yeah!) - Under Eye repair from FFS 8/17/17 - Nose surgery-November 20, 2017 (Dr. Papel=Yeah) - Hair Transplant on June 21, 2018 (Dr. Cooley-yeah) - Breast Augmentation on July 10, 2018 (Dr. Basner in Baltimore) - Removed bad scarring from FFS surgery near ears and hairline in August, 2018 (Dr. Papel) -Sept. 2018, starting a skin regiment on face with Retin A  April 2019 -repairing neck scar from FFS

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