Author Topic: Advice given; Advice received  (Read 1756 times)

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Offline MadelineB

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Advice given; Advice received
« on: March 21, 2013, 11:29:47 pm »
Here's a thread for remembering good advice given or received.

A young trans woman confided in me today:

“The only thing keeping me alive is I see the light at the end of the tunnel as the sun.
But the closer I get to it the more and more it looks like a train.”

I answered her fears, saying:

“Remember this. It is important.

The track you are taking is not a train’s track.

It is a trans track.

And the light you are seeing at the end of the tunnel,

is the radiating brightness of your future and always self.

That is the light you are growing to become.”


-Maddie 3/21/2013
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Advice given; Advice received
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2013, 12:08:08 am »
From a discussion I had on March 18:

A young trans woman who is planning to transition as soon as she moves out of her parents home later in the year, has developed a platonic crush on a straight cis girl, and was told by the crush: 'if you love me you will change, and not be trans any more.'

She told me, "I do feel like changing when I am around her. I just don't know anything any more and it is hurting me a lot".

I told her:
"That's not possible- no one can change their gender identity. It's not possible. Love has nothing to do with it. All the love in the world has never changed anyone's gender identity."
.........
She went on to ask me: "How do I know that I am trans?"

My answer:
"How does anyone know what gender they are? Its not whats in the pants, its what is here and here (points to head and heart). Feelings. Thoughts. That's how.

"If the gender that feels right, doesn't match the rest of your body, you are transgender. Simple as that.

"If the gender that feels right matches the rest of your body you are cisgender. Since most people are cis, society tends to ignore the possibility of being born any other way."

..........
She replied, "That's just it. I can see myself being her husband but at the same time I can see myself in Seattle... spinning around in a lovely red dress."

I answered, "If a girl can embrace that you are a boy on the outside who is a girl on the inside, and embrace that you will one day become a girl on the outside, then she might be the girl for you.
"It is very very rare to meet your life partner at your age but it can happen."


I pointed out, "Picturing ourselves in different lives is a healthy part of growing up."
......
Talking about her plans to transition without the support of her very religious parents, she told me "To make this leap of faith: I am not sure if I will land on the other side."

I told her, "The ultimate key, is that happiness can NOT be founded on being what someone else wants us to be. It has to be founded on being who we are. Then spending that right-self life with people who we love who love us."

I continued, "I understand leaps. First thing you are going to do when you get away from home is start seeing a therapist. Second thing you will do is try new ways of living to see if they fit or not. You can't know now but you will know after you experiment and see.

"When you have lived a very constricted life, you can't know anything until you are free to experiment like all kids have to do. Experience will answer your questions."


"So true", she said, "I just have to make it through the year [ until I can be on my own ]."

"Hang in there", I said, "and know that I love you."
.......
Later that day she told me, "I talked to one of my friends today about my problem, and she said I should put myself before this girl."

"Absolutely correct," I said, "Sounds like a good friend."
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline suzifrommd

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Re: Advice given; Advice received
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2013, 08:06:50 am »
I hope guest posts are OK. If not, just PM me, I'll gladly take it down.

The best pieces of advice/encouragement I've gotten:

When I was agonizing about whether I was really a woman or just a wannabee, peky posted that if I could imagine myself as a woman then I probably already am a woman. Those words changed my life.

I have a trans friend in California (who I've never met). They asked me whether I was doing any writing (I write novels as a hobby). I sadly emailed back that my gender identity issues left me too little emotional energy. Their email back to me was that I really was writing my own story and it was beautiful. That's given me a lot of confidence. I think of it whenever my transition seems too consuming.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?

Offline Catherine Sarah

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Re: Advice given; Advice received
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2013, 08:34:11 am »
Maddie,

You have a deep and purposeful wisdom beyond your years

Keep it out there girl.

Love
Catherine




If you're in Australia and are subject to Domestic Violence or Violence against Women, call 1800-RESPECT (1800-737-7328) for assistance.

Offline MadelineB

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Re: Advice given; Advice received
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2013, 09:44:26 am »
I hope guest posts are OK. If not, just PM me, I'll gladly take it down.

The best pieces of advice/encouragement I've gotten:

When I was agonizing about whether I was really a woman or just a wannabee, peky posted that if I could imagine myself as a woman then I probably already am a woman. Those words changed my life.

I have a trans friend in California (who I've never met). They asked me whether I was doing any writing (I write novels as a hobby). I sadly emailed back that my gender identity issues left me too little emotional energy. Their email back to me was that I really was writing my own story and it was beautiful. That's given me a lot of confidence. I think of it whenever my transition seems too consuming.

Thank you Suzi. Guest posts are welcome (as long as they are personally given/received and not just copying something off the internet or some famous person's words). Those are two wonderful pieces of advice.

Maddie,

You have a deep and purposeful wisdom beyond your years

Keep it out there girl.

Love
Catherine

Thanks Catherine. Believing we have something that might help another, and giving it, is an act of faith...
(though a nagging doubt filled voice says: 'listen to me, someone with a nagging doubt filled voice doesn't have anything to offer others!'.
I respond: "Hah! Very zen, my nagging doubt filled voice, very zen! So you are saying when I offer something to others, I am only giving of my self, to my self?".
'You make that sound like thats a good thing', says ndfv, clearly exasperated.
"I hear you, ndfv, and I understand. Thanks for sharing your feelings with me. You help me when you do that you know, even if you think it only helps you".
'Hmmph!' says ndfv, 'I love you too you impossible woman'. )
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

Offline MadelineB

  • Life? Yes, Ma'am. It also comes in "Happy".
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Re: Advice given; Advice received
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2013, 08:50:37 am »
Trans teen:
Quote
Y does life have to suck so bad..........:-(

Me:
Hi my daughter

A huge portion of humanity are born bearing burdens they did nothing to deserve.
I won't go into philosophy and religion, but the answer to the question 'why?' is the second most important.

The most important is: 'what are we going to do about it?'
You can answer the second while withholding judgement on the first.

"Make it better to the extent that I am able,
for myself and for all who are born,
for as long as I live,
and to love all
whether or not I can make it better"

That is how I live my life.
That is how I get by
Even though life can suck very much,
and isn't remotely fair

*love you*

Trans teen:
Quote
As I cry myself to sleep and wake up crying every night and day
I just wish it would all end....

Me:
That feeling sucks. I wish I had a better answer, but I don't.
My life used to be unimaginably bad but I got through it one day at a time by focusing on making my world better one small act at a time.

Trans teen:
Quote
As time goes by i get worse and worse
o how I wish people could see the bad they are doing
for the longer I live as they want me to live
the more unstable I become
o how I wish I was given a better life.....

Me:
I understand.
I have never been given a better life, except in the sense that I found in me the strength to start doing it myself and not waiting for my parents or God or anyone else.

I don't have the power to give you a better life.
But I can be there when you do, and love you while you try to figure that out.

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
~Maya Angelou

Personal Blog: Madeline's B-Hive

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