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 ??? :D ??? :D ???

Hi all!

lately i feel like i'm totally trippin' ... no drugs, just gender! :P

It's weird, cos' I've been working with/studying/expressing (in art/life) gender for well... the latter thing all my life, the other two, for the past 8 years... so some people might expect me to be an expert on this stuff..

NOT It's always been in the context of other people's lives and works. *As if it were not about me.* It was, of course.

I've only become consciously aware of this very recently, even more recently that this awareness requires some sort of action/reaction in my life. And it's all new and scary. I feel like a confused teenager all over again. At the same time, it's also very exciting and wonderful. Everyday I feel more free to express who I am, free to dream, to feel, to live... This gives a giddy, trippy sensation...  something stirring below the surface, I can't rest, spend most of my freetime online chatting with people who share these feelings, or trying to fix my (currently very slow) real world social life. It's all going very fast now. All the pieces of the puzzle falling into (or deliberately out of) place, I'm falling off the planet into space... My mind is much further ahead... I'm imagining things beyond my own imagination, if that's technically even possible (in my imaginition... huh?) ... and living it.

I've met a whole bunch of amazing new friends... my life is changing so fast. Add to that the fact that nothing is certain when it comes to my financial future and career, there are a dozen options and I'm leaning toward the most risky ones... it's all spinning... out of control? Maybe... I think I should be more worried and afraid than I am, I'm balancing on an edge every day, where I'm taking steps that might very well wash my future (in the eyes of my family and most people) down the drain... and I couldn't care less (to clarify, nothing major has actually changed in a practical way but it will soon)... And, in spite of what I said before about being catholic and proud, I have to wonder how long can I continue in my current job? Where is the limit? I guess I'll find out when I hit it, LOL. I'm still happy. Which is good in a way, but this recklessness... someone should pull me back down to earth.

So how far do i want to take this, esp the desire to be a (gay) man? I find the idea of being able to switch between genders highly attractive, but I realize that most of that is in my mind.
I don't pass as a guy, not at all. The best I get are those rare occasions where I get taken for a boy, age 10-16 (at the gym someone asked if I was waiting for the teens-class, which is that age group). I used to pass as a boy my own age (at 18), but at the time, though I felt good about it, I wasn't really conscious of myself.
I want that experience again. What I can do in the way of excercise, binding, packing, and lowering my voice, doesn't work well enough. My voice can get way lower singing than speaking, but it's the speaking voice i need. I should probably cut my hair, but that looks awful and as a guy I'd want this semi-long hair i have now. I want to be a guy, I want to have that life, that body, to feel complete in that... And then again, I know that if I should ever get there, I'd still be as dissatisfied as I am now, I'd want to go back,
I'd make it my goal in life to have exactly the pair of (firm, well shaped, B-cup) boobs that I have now. If I'd been a man, I would have been a drag queen (*yes, really, by the wiki definition), at the very least, or TG/GQ as now.

And still, most of the time I feel comfortable in my own, female body. When I'm with a woman, when I'm truly in love with her, I feel free to be a woman, and turn all girly. On my own, or around guys, I feel more at ease the more masculine I can be. And I hate it when they treat me like a woman, in the traditional over-polite way, or treat me as incompetent because of my gender. This is true in relationships also. I had a long-term relationship with a str8 man, whom I loved dearly and he me... intimacy... there were times he had me spaced out completely, in extasy, ... and then he'd go and ruin it all by saying what a beautiful woman I was, how feminine etc ... which would shake my confidence and leave me utterly lost. I've never been able to talk to him about that and eventually had to end the relationship. He had felt he wasn't what I needed, and let me go in a most loving way "you know you have always been free, and that I will always love you". Breaks my heart, I know this hurt him more than me, I had been saying goodbye to him in my heart for over a year at that point.

Where will this go? I am somehow happy in this confusion, and comfortable with the idea of having to explore new territory and doing that... but where will this lead? and how do I stay grounded?

... in the absence of a therapist:
to clarify this:  it's not me who fires the shrinks, they discharge me! Somehow the way I present my issues to them is so coherent, and self-analysing, that they tell me after a few sessions that "there's nothing wrong with you, you don't need me, I won't charge you for this last session"... *sigh*. I don't feel I'm going crazy, I do not (imho) need medication, and I don't feel miserable. Just need some common sense advice from time to time, some objective point of view to keep me anchored in the real world, ...

... centered ... Which is in a way the opposite of what this shifting identity is all about... so maybe that's not possible? ??? What does that mean? How does one live in a world that is all about focus, about clear boundaries, black/white male/female... how can I exist as an "anomaly in the space/time continuum", in a category of my own making that is "not even a valid classification" in the limited system of communication in this world? ( ;D Cassie!)

somebody wake me up, gimme a cold shower and put my feet back on the ground!

love to all

Alex/Lisette/galloping unicorn

PS Excuse the length of this post! ;D Needed to get this off my chest... I probably should've posted this  in the PMS zone, but then, I have issues with the whole PMS thing  ;D

Hello Alexlisette,

            It's wonderful to hear the happiness in your post. My situation is completely different in that I'm mtf transsexual but I have experienced similar feelings at times. Be aware that these wonderful highs are sometimes followed by depressing lows that are most always caused by an interuption to our view of where we should be headed in our life. These interuptions can come from family, friends, work etc.

            I love your risk taking attitude and wish I was/had been more like that. I have always been way too pragmatic in my attitude and it has held back the start of my journey to be myself and my progress hindered now that I am on my way. There is a balance that must be found that lets you reach the place you want to be without losing friends, family and employment. People for the most part seem to take our changes as unnecessary and selfish. We know this isn't the case and they are incorrect but it takes some finess to get thru this unless we cast all aside. Many do this, which I see as being very brave and true to themselves but they suffer losses depending on what they had to lose. The more intelligent, educated and funded have many more opportunities and choices so they can be more daring in their risk taking.

       You appear to be in a great place and that is a wonderful thing. Don't worry bout fitting a certain mold, just work toward being able to be however you want to be.



To me Alex,

It sounds like you have accepted you as you and that is a buzz.


Hi Alex,

Like Beth said you sound really happy. For me once I have made my mind up about something it's damn the torpedoes full speed ahead. Of course anything big I do a lot of soul searching before making a decision. You can be sure I have weighed the pros the cons and then I either go for it or abandon it as a bad idea. Since making my decision to transition I could not be happier. Sure it's no bed of roses and there are a lot of ups and downs but I am loving every minute of it.

You sound like you have just about settled on a middle ground but are uncertain how that might play out. If you are just as happy in your female body yet at the same time desirous of a more masculine appearance why don't you just work on that. You could get into heavy body building. Get really muscular. I'm sure you've seen female body builders, this could be your solution. It's for sure no man would accuse you of being soft and feminine. At least not if they value there physical well being.  ;D

Just a thought,



--- Quote from: Cassandra on November 07, 2005, 02:05:39 pm ---You could get into heavy body building. Get really muscular. I'm sure you've seen female body builders, this could be your solution. It's for sure no man would accuse you of being soft and feminine. At least not if they value there physical well being.  ;D

--- End quote ---

thanks Cassie...
I'm working on that! (muscle and martial arts)
I was just chatting to a friend who pointed out that instead of fending off the wrong kind of str8 guys... this might just attract another genre of guys that I won't like any better...
ah well, at least I'll be able to kick their a** by the time I achieve this



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