Author Topic: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....  (Read 2703 times)

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Offline ashrock

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I work in an office with 5 other people, Ive discussed going fulltime with 2 of them before going to my office manager. They where both fine with it, and one of them actually likes my style (the other is a guy and just abhorrent with style so has no opinion). I told my office manager im going to start wearing makeup and female work attire soon, more as an fyi, and was initially excited about it as she gave her permission, but now im starting to feel a little, i dunno, maybe like she doesnt trust me, or she has a learned bias to think of transgender people in a less than flattering way.

She made the following stipulations: In the office they will still use my male name.  She asked about legal changes, I told her im fine holding off on all that as i know that would cause a some strain on her, but Id like to start using my name at work. I guess i cant really control what they call me as long as its not demeaning, so whatever they need to do i guess... Which also means they will introduce any new clients with my male name, which will just end up causing more "explaining" in the future, id rather just do it now with who we have.

Second, she wants me to present male on site for clients and in front of our accountant and banker, who whoever knows me outside the office as male when they come to the office.  Im kind of ok with the first, as our clients work in factories where id just wear dingy guy clothes even presenting female.    The second one bothers me though, because those people might know my name and my gender, but they dont really know me, and I dont know them, so whats the point in that?  I do have a problem with both though in that my voice is 100% read as a woman if im not introduced as my male name, sooooo, ive got a female voice (not to mention mannerisms and growing breasts) and im just not changing that. period. So theres already a bit of an issue there anyway...

Last, she seemed to overly stress APPROPRIATE a lot.  As if she didnt trust me that i understand what appropriate means for womens clothes.  I even showed her a picture, and said, look, thats me dressing down, if I wore that here it would be a longer skirt, a blazer of the shirt, etc etc.  I think I know what Im doing pretty well there, ive been noticing what women my age wear in what enviroments for years and years, its not like im going to go crazy with it... She also admitted that when she saw the picture her gut reaction was "Dude, really? <I don't understand> are you doing in womens clothes?" Also said my bony guy knees look awkward in a skirt. Great, as if I didnt have enough to be dysphoric about... She also dislikes my style, but I dislike hers right back, shes one of the ed hardy crowd, no offense to anyone else who likes ed hardy, I just.... its not for me.

She has been the most awkward in the office about it, and I can tell she is trying.  I also am grateful that they are being fairly decent about all of this, its not something theyve ever seen or understand and any sort of misgivings or sexism theyve been good about keeping to themselves, and I know that is rarely the case... Just not sure how to gain her trust other than wearing cute and appropriate clothes everyday.  Im mostly annoyed with the name thing cause there isnt much I can do about that.

Oh, and for reference, and because I thought the outfit was rather cute, a picture of something Id wear day-to-day, some slight modifications for work, but pretty close to work appropriate in my mind:

Also, because Im a bit obessesed with my passibilty, if anyone wants to comment on that, please absolutely do...

Offline stephaniec

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Re: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2014, 11:35:19 pm »
what kind of management levels are there and how big is the business

Offline ashrock

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Re: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2014, 11:42:25 pm »
what kind of management levels are there and how big is the business
Tiny company, 6 people total, and really Im given a ton of freedom to do what I feel is best workwise as far as management goes, just they like to have me there during business hours so I can handle software issues on the fly if a bug is found.  Other than that, its more a partner  type setup, 5 of us work together to make decisions, unless someone opts out of the decision (which is fairly common) and 1 of us is just new. For the most part, we each handle our own part, mine is development.

Offline mrs izzy

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Re: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2014, 12:25:25 am »
I would get my name changed first and for most. No one can counter a legal name change. Its a binding order of the courts. Then your birth certificate and SS changed.

Start full time right. You are you and no one will have a right to say any different.

That's just my 5 cents worth being we no longer have pennies.

Good luck.
Isabell
Ps
I think you look good, just many of us forget try and keep age approate cloth style.
Mrs. Izzy
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Offline Jennygirl

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Re: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2014, 01:11:13 am »
Sounds soooo rude of her to make comments like that about your knees! Ugh- totally uncalled for. And when you show up dressed as female, they will soon realize that they're making asses of themselves by introducing you as male. I imagine if you are nice to them about everything and appreciative of their patience with you, they will kind of automatically start properly gendering you.. But then again, this lady did say some ridiculous stuff about your body that was completely out of line... so really, I have no clue how she would react- she seems like she needs to be educated on trans issues and rights. (careful with that one, though)

I don't know what kind of business it is, but maybe it was the hot pink miniskirt that threw her for a loop? I know you wouldn't wear that exact skirt to work, but if that is what she saw.. she might have been thinking it is not work appropriate? I bet it will only take a couple of days dressing how you described before you gain her trust to be full time there.

Innately, some people take longer than others to come around. I think giving them a little lee-way at first sets yourself up for success in the end. Some will understand instantly, some will be after a good conversation, and some will take days. I'm honestly so impressed that you handled her comments that well. Which reminds me: on the other hand, if she continues to berate you like that please don't put up with it! In the end, I have a feeling it was just because of the hot pink miniskirt.

As far as passability it sounds like with your voice you will have absolutely zero problems, but I would recommend skirts or dresses that cinch around the small parts of your waist such as an a-frame dress. There are blouses that do this, too. That will help balance out your proportions and possibly increase your passability tenfold. Still though, I don't think you'll have any problems. You're a super lucky girl to have a passable voice naturally- I doubt you will have any problems at all :)

Offline stephaniec

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Re: Told everyone at work Im going fulltime soon, was ok, but bleh....
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2014, 04:42:24 pm »
Tiny company, 6 people total, and really Im given a ton of freedom to do what I feel is best workwise as far as management goes, just they like to have me there during business hours so I can handle software issues on the fly if a bug is found.  Other than that, its more a partner  type setup, 5 of us work together to make decisions, unless someone opts out of the decision (which is fairly common) and 1 of us is just new. For the most part, we each handle our own part, mine is development.
Is there someone above the office manager or is it just the owner

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