Author Topic: It continually gets worse with no end?  (Read 5456 times)

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Jessica

It continually gets worse with no end?
« on: November 21, 2005, 08:55:36 am »
Quote
And yes, Age.  All indications are that if one has gid, the desire to transition increases with age.  I know I was able to resist any and all temptations or thoughts from early 20's until into my 40's when it began to take over my thoughts and concentration, forever changing my life no matter what I did

I'm 30 and it already presides over all my thoughts.  I have always just done what I had to do: tried to ignore it and keep on in life.  I would agree that it increases with age, at least that has been my experience as well, but I had assumed that it would plateau at some point and I would be able to just keep doing what I am doing now and keep myself so busy that I can ignore it until after work and then go home and sleep.

But, what you're saying is it doesn't plateau.  It continually gets worse and worse with no end?

Debtv

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2005, 12:39:27 pm »
Hi Jessica,

Well, I'm 48 and my tg desires grew with my age...enough I had to do something about it. What I did was come out so that I could be honest and live openly as a tg. My path has been self-acceptance that has grown into self-pride.

I am on a plateau...where I am now satisfied and happy.

Love
DebTV

Cassandra

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2005, 01:54:10 pm »
For me it ends when I have had my SRS or I die trying. There is no in between.

Cassie

Northern Jane

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2005, 03:04:16 pm »
I'm in the same boat as Cass - in my early 20's it was a choice between SRS and a coffin. Obviously it was SRS  ::) and with no regrets.

Terri-Gene

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2005, 03:18:44 pm »
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But, what you're saying is it doesn't plateau.  It continually gets worse and worse with no end?


No Jessica, there doesn't seem to be any sort of Pateau until such time as you reach a stage that satisphys your personal, individual need at which point it is not necessary for you to advance any further.

Yes, it does get worse with age, there are many theories about why this is so, Most prevailent is that as T lowers with age, and the constant focus in the issue, you just wear down and accept it more.  Also most people learn to please themselves rather then others as they age and when older are more prone to indulge themselves when they feel strongly about something.

As I said, I was able to completely deny it for almost 20 years before my thoughts started to turn back to it after turning my life around back in the early 70's, when I had tried to transition but at that time lacked the personal strength to see it through and reverted back to trying to be male instead.  From then until into my 40's I was in total denial, doing absolutely nothing that would indicate any kind of feminine nature.  I started hormones in late september 2003, and had an Orchieotomy in March of this year.  I have been living full time in full identification for nearly 10 years, None of this has made me feel any better about myself and so indicates that nothing short of the full treatment will be of any value to me.

All are different with different needs, but my experience tells me that one can not have peace until they achieve a level of acceptance with themselves, which sadly, I haven't done yet.

Also, in my case, SRS itself won't complete the ticket either, I must also complete the mental evolution and eliminate the damage done through the years of denial when I did many things that cause me conflict with myself as I progress.  It is both a mental and a physical process, both of which must be addressed to truely achieve harmony with ones self.

Terri

beth

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2005, 05:40:53 pm »
             It does increase with age without a plateau but if it is already consuming all your thoughts it's not like it will get 10 times worse. It will increase though and the regrets will start when you realize you can no longer be a young woman and will never be one.

              Keeping busy does help, I was involved in highly competitive research and development that consumed most every waking moment and many sleeping moments as well but I still had time to think about it. Be aware of one possible consequence of this course, that is divorcing yourself from your body. I felt like I was completely seperate from my body and it did not matter. It literally felt like my body was an old beat up car I was traveling around in with no need to maintain it. This combined with the depression puts you at grave risk for all kinds of problems with weight, blood pressure etc.  Don't let any of this scare you, everyone is different and most of us wait until waiting is no longer an option. Don't rush yourself. I hope all works well for you Jessica.

beth
« Last Edit: November 22, 2005, 12:48:57 am by beth »

Terri-Gene

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2005, 06:04:31 pm »
Quote
Keeping busy does help,

Yes, occupying the mind with other things seems to be about the only thing that does work.  When I was younger, I read a lot and I took to hobbies in a serious manner.  For some years I was interested in guns and filled a closet with custom special purpose pistols, revolvers and rifles and took to reloading and would routinely customize rounds for each piece and practice, practice, practice, often doing hundreds of rounds at the local range or in the desert knocking off Jacks. 

As the problem got closer to the surface I took to programing, mostly in Dbase and wrote custom data bases and Quickbasic and Bascom helping with the old RBBS contributer teams to provide state of the art (at the time) software in the days when online communication was direct dialup BBS's and ran an RBBS, Deciever Systems, and later a TBBS, with a partner, Superstation out of the Reno Area.

I really enjoyed Deciever Systems.  It was a Fido System with newsgroups and email and had a straight side which was devoted to computer information and downloads and a hidden request only side devoted to Transsexuality.  The transsexual side had a motto "Deciever Systems, straight at ya from Reno Nevada ... so close to hell I can see Sparks.  Iron Bicepts on high heels".  Superstation was a file download and chat system on a Novell network with a dozen computers in the network to run all the tasks. (386 days with huindred meg HD's)  New downloads were aquired over a satallite feed.  Of course these types of systems died out for the most part when the graphical browser was invented and common people could access the internet.

I used to spend virtually all my spare time at these activities while working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs on different shifts simultaniously..... Them were ugly years and in the end, I still had to give in to myself.

Terri


Debtv

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2005, 11:08:07 pm »
Well then I'm extreamly lucky....because I found a TG plateu. Let me explain what it is for me.


Since 5 yrs old I knew I should have been a girl. I tried very hard to denie it most my life. I became a long-haired cowboy (always felt it was a costume) married and had two kids. My view was "I'm strong and I can use my strong will to do what is right" LOL Oh my, I tried hard!

But that is not what tgism is. Most my life I ironicly, big time desired women, but was jelouse of them too. It caused me a lot of misery. Non the less, my tg desires grew with my age.

How I found my TG  plateu....

My Path to Happiness

#1 Accept yourself!
I accept my transgender wish,
 a wish that can never truly be.
I know that between both genders is a niche,
a middle place for me.

#2 Overcome those bad feelings!
I can overcome my jealousy of women,
by recognizing those feelings they cease to be.
I can overcome my frustration to be femm,
by living honest and free.

#3 Become honest with yourself and others
My honesty will set me free,
with myself and others.
Honesty will take strength to be,
 to balance my true genders.

#4 Grow & show your self-pride
Self-pride will grow in me,
as I honestly live my life and have fun.
Self-pride will show the true me,
as I blend my genders back into one.

#5 Realize your special
I am lucky to be both genders,
this took me 30 years to see.
I am special to be both genders
I am thrilled to be me.

I came out to everyone I know. I now live %80 enfemme. I limmit my local exposure, but if you visit me....I don't have to ignore the door.

Since I an out tv....I don't try to pass or want to. I want others to see me as an honest, pretty tv/cd. I do not change my voice or how I act...I am me....an honest tv/cd!

I am happy now because I am the real me....I can accept I will never be a woman.....heck I feel if I was born a woman....I'd still be tg and be wanting what I already have! LOL

Yes it will grow.....and it is up to you how you deal with it.

Love
Debtv

jmann

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2005, 12:32:49 am »
you see, this is what i feer. fear of regret is what is wearing at me.

I am sitting at the crest of decision. You see, unlike the unfortunately common transgender problem of depression, I am a relatively happy, successful person. I have spent my life surrounding myself with activity and experiences that allow me to remain happy.  So alas, I have a dichotomy: Remain the same; hide my gender identity forever, and keep those thing in my life which make me happy, running the risk of depression later in life. OR Come out (and transition), risk loosing everything, but gain the piece of identity I have been missing for so long. You see I know that if I do not transition now, at 22 years old, it will be one of those things that I regret for the rest of my life. NO, it will be the ONLY thing I regret for the rest of my life.

Debtv

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #9 on: November 22, 2005, 01:19:27 am »
For MOST TG It is not an either or choice....what? %10 of us tg are ts? Most TG's figure out a middle place to find happieness. So what is the srs choice? It is a choice, as jmann says...a life altering choice...where you probely will lose everything. I mean we know and have heard form many ts who have paid the price.

There is a middle ground and I'm living it. I came out and am free to be my femme self....but have not left my man life behind. It is a comprimise and I am very happy with it. Sure I still feel like a woman in a mans body...but I have come to enjoy that. There is a middle ground.

22 yrs old jmann? and worried you have to decide now? yeah right. You are young and have plenty of time to find your true self.

TG life is not just this or that....at least for the majority of us.

Love
Debtv

Terri-Gene

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #10 on: November 22, 2005, 04:48:39 am »
Well, at 22, yes, there are a lot of years to go but the more you get used to everything gained by remaining male, the even harder it is to give up.  Consider that if one is truely serious about needing to transition, and it is a hard thing to face at 22, how much harder it will be later in life when you have so much more to risk.  I'm one of those who learned this lesson almost to late in life.

At to TS's being 10% of the TG population, I doubt that,  It is likely far less when you get down to identifying in security and safety as opposed to actually out on the streets in public and at work.  Personally, working in the medical field, I'm often surprised at how few people in the medical profession have ever met a Transitioning TS or know much about the process, and if the most part of the medical profession is ignorant of us then what education in the mainstream. and for that to happen, TS's are quite rare indeed.  Transsexualism is relatively rare and posties are rare even in TS circles.

Middle ground?  while such things may be possible for the TG sector, it doesn't exist for TS's.  There is no choice other then to fully live or spiritually die, take your pick.  It is the knowledge that we can't fully live and survive in our birth sex that makes us able to face the negatives of transition, as we know that no matter how bad it gets, it won't be near as bad and doing nothing about it. 

If one does not have this unconcourable drive, they arn't likely a true TS and do not need to transition in the full sense.  Nobody should go this route if they don't have the deep need to do it.  It's insane and succeed or not, it is something that follows you through life, If you don't have to, avoid it like the plaque, unless you simply enjoy misery and discrimination.  The rewards of transition though, if truely needed, are beyond description, but you still have to take the bad with the good and learn not to let the bad get to you and drag you down.

Being TS isn't some kind of privialage or status, It's a life of pain and fighting for what you need.  I'd trade with Deb or someone like her in a heartbeat if it were possible, well, I would have a few years ago, but since then, I've managed to carve myself a little nitch in the world and all the demons left are within me, not around me.  For the most part I have managed to achieve peace with the world and it has declared a truce with me, so I'll just continue on my own way.

Terri

JenniferElizabeth

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2005, 09:27:54 am »
Hi, I guess I have to agree, with this, I'm 40 and it has really gotten worse, and for me , I'm also in the same boat with Cass on this. Its the only way for me. :angel:

Cassandra

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #12 on: November 22, 2005, 12:45:18 pm »
I have to totaly agree with Teri. It is estimated that one in ten thousand are afflicted(doctors words not mine) with GID. Most of us in the US and Canada are probably right here at Susan's. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and like Teri I wish I could find that middle ground that has brought Deb so much peace and happiness. But no such middle ground exists. I am like the salmon swimming upstream, and some people seem to want to put a dam up to keep me from completing my journey.

The surgery is not really the end though. Northern Jane and Leigh are probably the best to talk on that point. But getting everything done that can be medicaly acheived is all that I can focus on right now. I know in my heart this will give me some measure of peace, the rest will be up to me.

Cassie

DawnL

Re: It continually gets worse with no end?
« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2005, 08:02:48 pm »
I don't think you can do more than generalize from the experiences of others.  While many here   are compelled to transition, there are others like DebTV who find the middle ground and peace.
Only time, self-reflection, and therapy will answer your question in a way that is right for you.  The idea that if you keep busy enough you can keep your dysphoria at bay will probably not work forever.  That was my method of denial, always working, always striving until I realized all that I'd accomplished meant nothing to me. My dysphoria and disconnect from the world grew worse every year until all the layers and methods of denial just caved in.  Maybe you'll find a way to plateau or deal with this but it's unlikely you'll discover the truth by running from this and burying yourself in work.

Dawn

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