Community Conversation > Non-Transitioning and Detransitioning

Trapped! And then what?

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Saran Trow:
I've posted this to 2 other sites on the Internet, but with not much luck (meaning I got no response or replies yet), so here goes...

I've had 2 sessions with a therapist: 1 was this past Tuesday and the other 1 was last week and Wednesday. Sorry to say I came worst off with the last session not walking away with any solutions - just a lot of heartache and frustration.

I've exposed/revealed myself to her like I've never exposed/revealed myself to anyone in this lifetime, ever, what with the array of questions she was asking / bombarding me with. My SO knows some of my pedigree (meaning my whole life story) but seriously at the end my 2nd (and unfortunately last) session the only thing I got from my therapist is that I'm complicated... Really? The one person that holds the key to hooking me up to support groups, clinics or referrals to the pros has shut the book on me.

Was I too revealing? Did I confuse this woman that's a so-called professional in her field? Did I shoot myself in the foot at age 41 just because I want to find a solution to my life-long plight now that I'm older and wiser?

I've prayed, wished and hoped for the longest time possible for something to happen by itself, but it never did. Praying to whatever god (if any does exist) to just give me the female form that I was meant to have - let me just wake up in the morning and I'll never ask for anything else in my life again... but no. Wishing... you know when someone asks you to make a wish before you blow out the birthday candles, or when you see a shooting star? Hoping... hoping that aliens would somehow come, maybe even abduct you, and use their latest state-of-the-art out-of-this-world technology to molecularly reconstruct your body to match your true sex... Yes, wishful thinking.

Pity when I had ADSL for the 1st time in 2005 that I didn't even know the word Transgender to describe me, or that I don't have to sit and wait, and wait, and wait... Yes something happened in 2005 whereby I had to step back into the closet (I used to cross-dress just to fit the bill, normally during winter time every year) - my SO tried to commit suicide (another long story with a topic of a different kind).

And while I had a whole lot of distractions, I tried to every now and then keep in touch with myself... nothing serious, or maybe it was. Like getting rid of my earrings in early 2010 so that the piercing I got myself for my 21th have all but closed... Anyways.

So I started to reawaken again (slowly) on exactly the 30th of June 2013, 14 days after my 41st birthday - the day I was finally alone without my SO and 6 year old daughter (back then - she's 7 now).

Well, as you can see I've gone and do exactly the same as what i do in job interviews, and in recent times, my last therapy session, rambling on and on... probably shooting myself in the foot again. But to come back to the point of being trapped still and everyone just wanting me on anti-depressants, hoping that the female in me will somehow go away, with not a cent behind my name to afford to go to a different gender therapist for a 2nd opinion, etc. - what do I do? What other solutions is there? I mean I've Google'd, I've Google+'d, I've Facebook'd, my SO tried to contact a TM... But all to no avail. Everyone around these parts (South Africa) seem to be so effing underground, protecting their identities so badly, therapists charging so badly...

Hell I'm starting to be at a loss for words, and in the meantime my tears having dried up as well as I try to fill the blank that just occurred with the following question: Where to from here? I'm not getting younger and the damage(s) from the last 8 years of self-neglect is going to make it much more difficult to panel-beat this whole exterior of mine to perfection, let alone that (what was shared with me is to believed) the overall period for this whole process can take up to 6 years...

So what to do in the meantime while trapped, broke and with no available resources or assistance (willingly or paid for) locally readily available... Do I just serve out my life sentence as it was handed down?

Or am I just complicated, like the doc said?

Another thing that I have to get of my chest is this: the therapist asked me, "So if you can switch gender, to which sex will you be attracted to?" And I answered: "To women."

So if a heterosexual man should turn into a homosexual woman, what would be so complicated about that? My preference stay the way it is, which makes me think...

Does all gender therapists (automatically) assume that when you're TG/MTF that you'd prefer males when your female?

Hi Saran Trow, welcome to Susan's Place.! Take a deep breath, you're among friends. Words like all, none, everybody, and nobody generally don't work around here. We're all unique, and doctors and therapists are, too. Take a look around the site, and you'll find your answers. Hugs, Devlyn

 Hi Susan

welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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Reading your post it seems very clear that the therapist knows nothing about gender issues. That a person pretending to be a gender therapist confuses gender and sexuality is quite telling to be honest. I also had a giggle that they thought you were changing gender, that to be honest is impossible. You may change your physical appearance to match your gender but we cannot change the brain to match the body.

If we could life would be a lot simpler!

A couple of suggestions. First I don't know what part of the world you are in and treatment changes a lot from country to country and from region to region in some countries. But go to the WPATH site and download the standards of care (SOC v7 is the current version) that is how you should be treated. Depending where you are google for gender therapists and get advice from a professional who knows what they are on about.



Ms Grace:
Hi! Each country seems to be fairly unique in how they treat transgender... some better than others. Hopefully there are a few other people from South Africa on the board who can help, maybe start a thread "Anyone from South Africa?" To catch their attention. Good luck!  :D

BTW, sexual preference isn't related to gender preference, you can be a trans woman and still be attracted to women.

Hi Saran

We have another member from South Africa. Hopefully she will see you and be able to help out with some of your issues. Meanwhile, sometimes you have to find another therapist and sometimes you have to say what they want to hear. It depends on how much of a gate keeper compared to wanting to help therapist they are.

You are not alone in having a troubled life nor in needing to be yourself. I'm glad you found us. I can try to find resources and information for South Africa but I admit to not knowing much about it at all right now.

Meanwhile, take a deep breath, grab a cookie, and read of how some others have overcome similar things for ideas on how to proceed. You are among friends here.


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