Community Conversation > Transsexual talk

Needing some comforting words

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Dennis:
I just went for a walk with my ex. Her invite, not mine. For some background, I'll say that we were together for seven years and legally married. When I told her that I was seeing a therapist about transitioning, she dumped me within 15 minutes and refused to spend another night in the same house as me.

She asked when I was going to change at work. I said later, when I pass better. She said, "you think you'll pass???" I said yeah, most guys do. She said, "I just saw R (a local trans guy who I haven't met yet) and he looks like a woman with a beard." I said "yeah, well you knew he was trans so that kind of coloured your perception no doubt." She said "no, I didn't. Before I knew he was trans I thought that guy looks like a woman with a beard." Then she went on about how I've worked in this community in a fairly public role and people know me.

God why do I let her shake my confidence like that?

At one stage she was telling me I was being defensive (no flippin wonder) and I said that we seemed to have issues about this. She said, "I don't. You do."

If anyone has anything comforting or supportive to say, I'd sure appreciate it. The cross-over at work is my big point of anxiety at work and that has just shattered a lot of the work I have done to defuse that.

Dennis

Susan:
No actually you are right she does. Hormones work wonders for the FTM TS it even helps with the voice, body mass, and so on. Wish it was the same for MTF TS's. The might eventually come around but the question you have to ask now is do you really want her to. Once you make that decision the rest will fall into line. Keep us informed because you are a part of a family who will support you no matter what now. This one.

4years:
One way to answer if for yourself is to look at a lot of images of FTM after transition.
A google on FTM transition brought up this page which may (or may not!) help seemed useful.


From what my uneducated eye has seen I’d never guess. It is SO much easier for a FTM to pass I think. As Susan mentioned Hormones work wonders.

Besides FTM generally still have the luxury of being obscure. I.e. fewer people looking, etc. Though this is location based of course.

I saw a tv program a while go of a university lecture in which I had to triple take at the speaker. He was male, though his voice struck me as female. *shrug* A guy with a strange voice. All right.

When you said most guys pass I think you are exactly correct.

For what it is worth were I you, I think I would keep her at arm’s length, if that close. I am critical of my people though.

Hang in there Dennis

Svetlana:

--- Quote from: Dennis on May 29, 2005, 02:10:11 pm ---When I told her that I was seeing a therapist about transitioning, she dumped me within 15 minutes and refused to spend another night in the same house as me.
--- End quote ---

i can't imagine quite that reaction in anybody who didn't have their own issues with the subject beforehand.  it has to make me wonder possibly if she's "in the closet" about that... or perhaps took a dim view to or had a bad experience with somebody else she knew going through something that was or seemed to her like a transition.  unfortunately, some people who are mentally unstable seem to latch on to transition as a possible "way out", as it were.  perhaps she knew one such person before.

she seemed to have no qualms whatsoever about shaking your confidence deeply.  either she doesn't care about you, she has a talent in not noticing when she's being blunt or she has a strange way of expressing things (either or any is possible).

again... the sudden reaction "i don't... you do (have issues with this)" seems very defensive.  maybe she needs some help getting over some things herself.

talking to you like that, she shouldn't expect any sort of help back, of course.  then again, one of the most rewarding things to do in life is to exceed such expectations.  although you might just be pushing against a brick wall... i can't tell from here.  up to you if you think it's pointless or not.

as for you, there doesn't seem like anything whatsoever up with you, from where i sit.  and in my opinion, don't even bother about fretting over whether or not it's easier or more difficult for an FtoM to pass or not pass, or any such thing like that.  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.  of course, many of life's complications hold up such ideals... just make sure that's where you're ultimately headed - towards living as you truly are, over a not unreasonable length of time.

i don't know how different it is for us MtoFs compared with you FtoMs, but i know that i don't pass, and i never pretend to be a bloke.  so neither aught you pretend to be a bird, unless circumstance truly forces it of you (ie. death threats).

beth_finallyme:

--- Quote ---as for you, there doesn't seem like anything whatsoever up with you, from where i sit.  and in my opinion, don't even bother about fretting over whether or not it's easier or more difficult for an FtoM to pass or not pass, or any such thing like that.  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.  of course, many of life's complications hold up such ideals... just make sure that's where you're ultimately headed - towards living as you truly are, over a not unreasonable length of time.

i don't know how different it is for us MtoFs compared with you FtoMs, but i know that i don't pass, and i never pretend to be a bloke.  so neither aught you pretend to be a bird, unless circumstance truly forces it of you (ie. death threats).
--- End quote ---

excellent way of putting it Svetlana, especially this


--- Quote ---  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.
--- End quote ---

i'm saving that one, (exchanging man for woman)


beth

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