Author Topic: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)  (Read 21613 times)

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Offline Boca.Lisa

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Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« on: February 23, 2014, 03:19:58 pm »
Im creating this thread with the hopes that others will share their experiences and perhaps provide any thoughts on what they are ecperiencing.

I've been post op for just over 4 years. Soon after surgery I met a guy at a party and we dated a couple times. Before we became intimate I made him aware of my past and that immediately ended the relationship. Since then, I've moved back to the US from London and I've not had anyone ask me out nor have I been sexually active. As time goes bye, I have become quite convinced that its unlikely i'll meet anyone who can accept me as an ordinary woman and want to have a long term relationship. Additionally, im a bit worried that i don't really know where to meet people and even if i were to meet someone i would have no idea how to please them as a sexual partner.

I do not visit clubs "on the TS scene" where I live as most are on the game and the guys who go there dont want the parts I now have.

Going stealth is not an option as I have children who are just starting to come around and parents who have begged me not to throw away the people who currently love me.

Has anyone else out there had a similar experience?  How have you addressed the issue?
2009 FFS #1 - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 FFS #2 -Dr. Darin (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 BA and GRS - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2012 Body Work - Dr. Hockstein (Miami, Florida)
2014 VFS - Dr. Kim (Seoul, South Korea)

Offline Jessica Merriman

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2014, 03:52:34 pm »
First baby, no guilt. You would not be throwing away anyone that loves you. If they really love you they will find acceptance within themselves. I am pre op right now living full time. I met a man a week ago just going into a store to buy something. It was just a random event. We went out last night and it was my first date as the real me. He asked me out because he was attracted to me. I explained all about myself before we went out and even though he identifies as a cis male hetero he still treated me like a real lady. We had a nice dinner and a long drive. He really doesn't know if he can have a steadier relationship with me though. He is grateful for the information I gave him and said if he can find it within himself maybe we can go out again. There are people out there who will accept you, I promise. Times are changing rapidly and I hate to say it this way, but the stigma surrounding us is breaking down a little. I know friends who are post op and have found cis male hetero's who they are currently married to. It can and will happen. Hang in there, OK?

PS-I don't do the "TS" scene either. I am a female with a birth defect, that's all. ;)

Offline suzifrommd

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2014, 05:00:26 pm »
Check out the interesting results of this poll:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,159307.0.html

Nearly 90% of transgender people who disclosed their status to partners were able able to enter into a romantic relationship with someone.

Gave me hope.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?

Offline Boca.Lisa

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2014, 05:15:12 pm »
Im confused now. According to the survey it appears 22 of 54 were successful. Thats 40%. I also think the sample is small.

I dont know. Not sure the survey helped.

Thanks though.
2009 FFS #1 - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 FFS #2 -Dr. Darin (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 BA and GRS - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2012 Body Work - Dr. Hockstein (Miami, Florida)
2014 VFS - Dr. Kim (Seoul, South Korea)

Offline mandonlym

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2014, 05:16:25 pm »
I've been post-op for 11 years and have had five substantial relationships and many hookups and sexual encounters during that time (I'm sex-positive, what can I say?). Of those four relationships, three already knew by the time we had sex, and one right afterward. Except for one who broke up with me because he figured out before we got too serious that he really wanted to have kids, the other relationships ended for reasons unrelated to me being trans. In casual situations, I don't normally disclose. It's none of their business.

The two constants in my relationships is that I date guys who I know are open-minded and instantly run away from ones who are not. Also, the trick is just to identify what you do best and find a venue where you can consistently show it off and get asked out. I'm a good dancer and flirter. So I know that when I go clubbing, usually people would approach and I would meet them that way. Or at a party I engage people in conversation where I flirt with them. These days I'm too busy and mostly date online, where I don't disclose unless it gets serious, because again, it's none of their business unless there's mutual interest in a relationship. The key I guess is confidence (or the appearance of it). In general, people are more attracted to confident people and shy away from people they perceive to be insecure.

So that's my experience. These days I don't worry about not being dateable because I've had a lot of experience to prove to myself that I am. So my best advice is just to put yourself out there. The more experience you have the better you get at dating.

Offline suzifrommd

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2014, 06:09:04 pm »
Im confused now. According to the survey it appears 22 of 54 were successful. Thats 40%. I also think the sample is small.

I dont know. Not sure the survey helped.

Thanks though.

There were 26 people who answered either "Tried, haven't met anyone interesting.", "Tried, no one's been interested.", or "Tried, had success / a good relationship.". Of those, 22 chose the last option.

22/26 = 84%

I didn't include those who said they didn't try, or those who were in the "other" category.

Sorry it wasn't much help to you. I found it extraordinary hopeful.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?

Offline manbreast

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2014, 02:44:57 pm »
hello Boco lisa if that is your real picture you are a fine looking woman ,why would you want to tell anyone about your surgery ,i understand being honest but it is no ones business but yours ,if your surgery was a success no one can tell you are not a GG,i am a man with large female like breast and understand how it is to loose someone you love most women find out i have breast and it is all over.it takes a special person to love a man with breast

Offline noleen111

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2014, 01:51:44 am »
I am post op.. Ok only a month post op now...

I had one boyfriend, that I was intimate with when I was pre-op.. Obviously I had to tell him.. He was cool with my status.


Now that I am post op.. If it's a casual dating thing.. Which may lead to sex.. Nope I will not tell him.. A more serious thing... I dunno.. I am leaning on not telling.. But if I end up marrying him.. I think he may find out on his own..as the past is bound to come out and childhood pics will be seen some where down the line.. Will it be worse if he find out on his own.. But when that time comes.. I will have to see how I handle it.
Enjoying ride the hormones are giving me... finally becoming the woman I always knew I was

Offline Flygirl

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2014, 05:23:40 am »
Initialy surgery seemed like an unachievable goal for me financially, and I had to believe that there was someone out there who would be able to love me for the person I am, my heart and soul. I lived in the world as a woman for a long time and people accepted me as such, there was never any doubt, so, I was fortunate that I could just go about my daily life as myself.

I joined an internet dating site and met very many people, some of whom became good friends, some today still. I disclosed my status in my dating profile and many read it, some didnt. The greater majority of the men though I soon came to realise, were only interested in one thing. I was a sexual curiosity for them. Unfortunately I had absolutely no interest in using my anatomy for those purposes, it was a birth defect, so, they were all very disappointed.

My fiancee though, I met in the course of everyday life. He asked me out on a date and I disclosed my status to him that night and where I stood sexually with my body, that it would not happen until I had surgery oneday.

He, being a normal hetro guy, had quite alot to think about, but he kept coming back to see me, every time with more questions which I answered for him. Our friendship grew and oneday he told me that he was in this for the long haul, he wanted to go on the whole journey with me.

He has become my best friend and a pillar of strength like I have never known. He treats me with the utmost love and respect and together we saved for my surgery which I have since had. We both have children from previous marriages, and his family is as amazing in the way they have accepted me and my children. Only his sister, who has become a very close friend, knows my history.

I think the message I am trying to convey in my story is, one has to be available for love to find you. You have to be open to it and allow it to happen. We plan on getting married in the next year and I have a number of friends, all post op, who are happily married or in serious relationships, all of them long term.

I hope there is some inspiration in there for someone somewhere.
Adrienne.
Living free, the only way to be. . . ;)

Offline Flygirl

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2014, 09:01:15 pm »
It sounds like you were/are stealth so I don't understand how you could disclose in your dating profile?

I was stealth but also pre-op at that time, and in a potential dating situation/relationship, there was no way of hiding that about myself. So, I made the decision to disclose my status as pre-op in my profile that people could read that and make a decision about whether they could deal with it or not before even deciding to contact me.
Living free, the only way to be. . . ;)

Offline Flygirl

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2014, 09:29:26 am »
I spent the best part of 3 years on internet dating sites and struggled with the same questions and same problems as you have.

From experience I would say about 80% of guys dont even bother reading your narrative. They look at the pictures and if they like what they see, will send some kind of message (one could write a book on the topic of messages alone).

I tried all the options, disclosure, non disclosure and found it safer to disclose in my narrative and my first line of questioning would be, "are you sure you have read and understood every word of my narrative?". At that point most would disappear.
As in your experience though, most of those that were interested, were only interested from a sexual curiosity perspective or some weird fantasy about a lady boy. Many were straight forward about exactly what their fantasy was. It was really frustrating to say the least, I am a hetro woman, looking for a hetro guy. I was born with a birth defect and there was no chance of me ever using it for the things they wanted to do with me. With every new person I chatted to, it became more and more evident why they had contacted me.

Its a double edged sword,  and one has to take the time to sift through thousands of people, and those that seem genuine and worthwhile, you have to take the time to meet, in a public place and make sure he pays for dinner! Eventually with persistence I do believe each of us has a special someone out there. I did however make a few friends who were just that, friends.

Thankfully though, I eventually met my man in the course of normal daily life. He noticed me and he made all the moves, called me, invited me to dinner, and I told him my story on our first date. He never knew anything about trans people, but was intrigued enough to ask questions and he actually went home and did research, came back another night with more questions and I could see this man was genuinely interested to the point that he educated himself to make an informed decision about actually persuing a relationship with me.

He is not anything like the internet guys in any way. He sees and treats me like a normal woman. He respected my boundries in terms of my body and we have lived together for more than a year now. We combined our lives, children, families, just as in any normal relationship where 2 people have made a commitment and decided to spend their lives together. Yes we have our regular issues as any other couple does, but he made my journey of achieving surgery his journey aswell. He has been there every step of the way, through all the ups and downs, and together we eventually made it.

I am one of the fortunate few, I know that and am grateful for my blessing. We all know there are no reference books or guidelines, but with each individual story, and individual experiences shared, we can draw on eachothers collective knowledge.
Living free, the only way to be. . . ;)

Offline Boca.Lisa

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2014, 09:54:46 am »
FLYGIRL.....if there was a like button I would have clicked it. Very happy for you if not a bit jealous.
2009 FFS #1 - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 FFS #2 -Dr. Darin (Bangkok, Thailand)
2010 BA and GRS - Dr. Thiti (Bangkok, Thailand)
2012 Body Work - Dr. Hockstein (Miami, Florida)
2014 VFS - Dr. Kim (Seoul, South Korea)

Offline Flygirl

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #12 on: March 04, 2014, 10:31:53 pm »
Boca.Lisa, if only one person can find hope or inspiration from my story, then Im glad I was able to share it. I wish you success on your journey to finding your special someone.
Living free, the only way to be. . . ;)

Just Shelly

Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2014, 11:24:31 pm »
You are definitely an inspiration and give me hope. I recently stopped seeing a man because I could not bare to tell him my born gender...but he also was getting tired of me not wanting to have sex. I wish I could of....had sex that is!! I also wish I could of told him the truth...maybe he was the one! But some of the vibes I got told me otherwise.

I just wish I knew what to do....I have never tried the disclosure first thing but have heard the stories and its almost impossible since I am stealth!

Thanks for the post it does give me some hope!! :)

Offline alan1219

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2016, 10:02:05 pm »
Well, as a guy, I can say, I am happy to date a post op more than any other female :)

Offline 2cherry

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2017, 08:08:21 pm »
One of my former boyfriends told me when I asked his opinion of what men think about us:

"It is all about respect. If he respects you, it doesn't matter that you have a trans history. If he doesn't respect you for it, then he's not a good guy and its his loss."

I never expected that answer... I was truly convinced all men were the same. But they are not. His answer only proved how judgmental I was towards men. Humbling.

I would say: stay away from dating sites. I've done it, and nothing good came from it. The only lasting results I got were encounters in daily life. Get socially active: visit new places, volunteer, new job, location, location, location...


1977: Born.
2009: HRT
2012: RLE
2014: SRS
2016: FFS
2017: rejoicing

focus on the positive, focus on solutions.

Offline MissGendered

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2017, 10:40:00 pm »
One of my former boyfriends told me when I asked his opinion of what men think about us:

"It is all about respect. If he respects you, it doesn't matter that you have a trans history. If he doesn't respect you for it, then he's not a good guy and its his loss."

I never expected that answer... I was truly convinced all men were the same. But they are not. His answer only proved how judgmental I was towards men. Humbling.

I would say: stay away from dating sites. I've done it, and nothing good came from it. The only lasting results I got were encounters in daily life. Get socially active: visit new places, volunteer, new job, location, location, location...

^THIS^

Yes, exactly as I have found things to be. Thank you.

Offline MissGendered

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2017, 10:43:02 pm »
I spent the best part of 3 years on internet dating sites and struggled with the same questions and same problems as you have.

From experience I would say about 80% of guys dont even bother reading your narrative. They look at the pictures and if they like what they see, will send some kind of message (one could write a book on the topic of messages alone).

I tried all the options, disclosure, non disclosure and found it safer to disclose in my narrative and my first line of questioning would be, "are you sure you have read and understood every word of my narrative?". At that point most would disappear.
As in your experience though, most of those that were interested, were only interested from a sexual curiosity perspective or some weird fantasy about a lady boy. Many were straight forward about exactly what their fantasy was. It was really frustrating to say the least, I am a hetro woman, looking for a hetro guy. I was born with a birth defect and there was no chance of me ever using it for the things they wanted to do with me. With every new person I chatted to, it became more and more evident why they had contacted me.

Its a double edged sword,  and one has to take the time to sift through thousands of people, and those that seem genuine and worthwhile, you have to take the time to meet, in a public place and make sure he pays for dinner! Eventually with persistence I do believe each of us has a special someone out there. I did however make a few friends who were just that, friends.

Thankfully though, I eventually met my man in the course of normal daily life. He noticed me and he made all the moves, called me, invited me to dinner, and I told him my story on our first date. He never knew anything about trans people, but was intrigued enough to ask questions and he actually went home and did research, came back another night with more questions and I could see this man was genuinely interested to the point that he educated himself to make an informed decision about actually persuing a relationship with me.

He is not anything like the internet guys in any way. He sees and treats me like a normal woman. He respected my boundries in terms of my body and we have lived together for more than a year now. We combined our lives, children, families, just as in any normal relationship where 2 people have made a commitment and decided to spend their lives together. Yes we have our regular issues as any other couple does, but he made my journey of achieving surgery his journey aswell. He has been there every step of the way, through all the ups and downs, and together we eventually made it.

I am one of the fortunate few, I know that and am grateful for my blessing. We all know there are no reference books or guidelines, but with each individual story, and individual experiences shared, we can draw on eachothers collective knowledge.

Again.. ^THIS^

A longer, fully-detailed version of the same things 2cherry said. And the exact same things I found to be true. I cannot help but know these lessons are well worth repeating and bumping up to the top of the queue..

Thank you.

Offline Miss Lux

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #18 on: January 17, 2017, 01:04:38 am »
Post- op for many years; I consider myself 99.8% passable; coventionally pretty; been dating hetero guys for years; always been stealth - relationship sometimes work other issues not related to gender cause of brak ups; i tried disclosing to some before= so inlove then at a snap of a finger gone goodbye..... Never telling again for now unless push come to shove......just me... To each his own.... Each situation and circumstances ae different....

Offline MissGendered

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Re: Dating and Sexual interactions post op (mtf)
« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2017, 02:13:53 am »
Post- op for many years; I consider myself 99.8% passable; coventionally pretty; been dating hetero guys for years; always been stealth - relationship sometimes work other issues not related to gender cause of brak ups; i tried disclosing to some before= so inlove then at a snap of a finger gone goodbye..... Never telling again for now unless push come to shove......just me... To each his own.... Each situation and circumstances ae different....

I agree, I told my guy I am with now, and though he is ok with my past, he just doesn't love me. That was the first, and likely last time I tell, but hey, never say never, lol.

I am soft stealth now, only family and my bf and my doctors know anything. Once I am done here, I am planning on going deep-staelth and living that way forever, but hey, never say never, ya know?

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