Author Topic: My intro and story <3  (Read 3377 times)

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Offline ikesgirl80

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My intro and story <3
« on: March 26, 2014, 03:39:03 pm »
Hi everyone!  My name is Chris and I am new to the site.  This is my intro and story, so it may be a bit long, as I have to go back in time to really explain things...  The quick and dirty version is I am a 32 year old cis girl who is engaged to a 33 year old MTF.  We live in Houston and are trying to get ourselves together so we can move to the Los Angeles/San Diego area after she finishes college.

Now the long version...

"Way back in the day" (1996) I was a 15 year old girl, living in a farming community in Michigan.  Back then, I identified as a straight girl, but due the poor luck in the genetic lottery and my social awkwardness, I was often sporting a full bread and mustache (seriously), men's jeans with a men's polo or t-shirt with a sweater vest over it.  I was in love with an amazingly funny and sweet boy named Tom.  We were really good friends, and according to my diary from then "did everything a couple does, but kiss".  He held the door for me, carried my books, walked me to class, and even bought me a pop at the high school football games on occasion.  I had my pet name for him, TommyBoy, but I usually only called him that when no one else was around.  On day, I got up the courage to tell a good friend that I liked him and was going to ask him out.  Well, this friend told her friend that she liked him, and the two of them "conspired" against me, and when it was all said and done, Tom chose the other girl.  Tom, the other girl, and I continued through the rest of high school in a weird spot.  Tom and his girl were on again-off again, and when they were "on", the 3 of us could not be friends.  But when they were "off", we would suddenly be able to hang out, talk, etc.  I still always pined for him, and tried to make him see that.

After graduation, I went to college to become a teacher and moved to California.  I got married to a guy I meet at college, then divorced him due to me being insecure about my weight (I was over 350 pounds and still sporting the beard and men's clothes).  He stayed with the girl from above for a few more years, moved back and forth between Florida and Michigan a few times.  We would get into contact with each other every couple of years (phone/e-mail), but some how lose touch.  Every time we would talk, he would tell me how much he missed having a friend like me, and how he just wanted to be with someone who was like me.  I would either respond with shyness or uncomfortable bluntness.

In 2011, I decided to lose the weight (on my own, diet and exercise) and June 2013 I had surgery to remove 10 pounds of loose skin off my stomach.  I gained a lot of confidence and discovered that I don't really care whether my partner is male or female, or anything in between, as long as there was that connection, and settled on the label "pansexual" to describe myself.  Randomly, that summer, Tom sent me a message on facebook, and we started talking on the phone mid-August 2013.  The middle of September came, and he drove from Florida to Houston to visit for the weekend.  When we saw each other for the first time in 14 years, we embraced for several minutes in my apartment's parking lot, and knew there was something going on that night.  By the end of the weekend, we decided it was official, and then had to say goodbye as he had to go back to Florida.  That lasted a grand total of 8 days, because after less than 24 hours, we decided that enough time had been wasted, and we were going to make this happen.  September 26, 2013 he moved in.  The middle of October, we told each other we wanted to get married, but no one officially proposed.

Around Thanksgiving, I went back to Michigan for a couple days to visit family.  Everything was going perfect for us.  I got back home, we had a romantic dinner out for Thanksgiving.  That weekend, Tom told me that he had feelings of wanting to try on women's clothes.  I asked if he tried any of mine while I was gone, and he said no.  I asked, "Why not?" he responded with, "I don't know."  Over the next couple weeks, he shared with me feelings of "another personality".  He decided to try and get some help for what he thought was multiple personality disorder or something and possibly a misdiagnosed seizure disorder.  We talked through a lot of stuff while we were waiting on the mental health system to fall into place, and my years of experience in special education and mental health actually came in handy!  By Christmas, we knew that Tom had a very high IQ, severe ADD, and moderate anxiety/depression, and 2 possible "girl" personalities.  We continued to talk, and talk, and talk.  We decided that we would go to my brother's house for Christmas, and DROVE WITOUT STOPPING from Houston to Washington D.C.  It was miserable because my family didn't like that he was shy and we were exhausted from the drive.  The day before Christmas we spent the day together, alone, exploring D.C. and had a fabulous day.  Christmas Day, right after dinner, he proposed, and of course, I said YES!

My family didn't take it well at all, they flipped out, and to avoid someone going to jail over a domestic disturbance on Christmas, Tom and I chose to pack up and drive back home.  Since then, I have had no contact with my mother or brother.  My step dad and I still talk, but that is because he is a level headed guy and realizes that he can give his opinion and let me make my own decision. 

Right after the new year, Tom started hinting that there was something more going on.  He would tell me bits and pieces, and I was starting to suspect that there was more than meets the eye going on.  Around the middle of January, I was putting away some laundry, and I found a pink skirt and 2 pairs of heels that were definitely NOT mine.  I was not sure how to approach it, but just decided to go with, "Hey honey... Those are some sexy heels you have there!"  He was embarrassed and a little mad at me, but we talked for most of the night, and he finally came out with that he wanted to wear women's clothes and make up.  On Valentine's Day, we went out to eat, and then to the mall for make up.  And with in a week or so, I asked  him what her name is.  I finally found out that I was not in love with Tom, but I was in love with Hayleigh Jade.

So here we are at the end of March.  She has been seeing a therapist for about 6 weeks, is in the process of getting her medical situations under control, and just 2 weeks ago we started going to a weekly Transgender Support group.  She is fairly confident that Hayleigh is here to stay.  I have not seen "Tom" in weeks, and that is not a bad thing.  Hayleigh is a beautiful, outgoing, confident person.  I am so glad she is trusting me with everything and I am so happy we are able to talk and communicate.  Hayleigh coming out and being honest with me has done nothing but make our relationship stronger, happier, and much more satisfying!  >:-)

We are going through a lot in our lives, some related to the TG, some not.  Over the next 5 years we will be dealing with Hayleigh going to college and starting a career, me trying to climb the ladder in my career field (moving from classroom teacher to specialist), Hayleigh going through the medical stuff (meds, hormones, top surgery, laser hair removal, etc.), saving sperm for our future kid (we are praying for a girl because we can't agree on a boy name!  ;D ), getting married, and moving to California to buy a house. 

So that is everything.  I'm glad I found this place and I have been reading A LOT on here. 

Chris



Offline Jessica Merriman

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #1 on: March 26, 2014, 03:46:18 pm »
A big warm welcome to the family Chris! I am so glad you found us and joined as this is one very special place. I am so glad you are supportive of your SO and it is invaluable to her to have that. The people here really do care and want to see you both succeed and be happy and will do what we can to support and be there for you. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like that a lot), learn or just have some fun and meet the rest of the family. Please give an invite for Hayleigh to join us as well. Here is a BIG HUG  :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home! :)


Offline ikesgirl80

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2014, 11:05:27 am »
Thanks Jessica!  I'm sure Hayleigh will show up sometime in the near future...  My biggest goal in being here is to learn from other people's experiences before we have to learn the hard way.  Hayleigh and I are also BIG talkers, so finding new topics to talk to death is definitely of interest to me!

Shantel

Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2014, 11:26:22 am »
Hey Chris,
      What a beautiful story you have written here, I was so pleased for you both as I read it because you obviously have all the elements in place for an enduring long term successful relationship. My spouse and I have been together for a mighty long time, going on our 45th year as a married couple. She was 14 and I was an old guy of 18 when we first laid eyes on each other. There has been some rocky ups and downs over the years but like the saying goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" I came out late after our two boys moved out, we were totally committed and worked through it with lengthy conversations, there were tears and laughter, some of the stuff is insanely stupid but we survived. Total commitment, honesty and total trust from each of us has been the key. I have been on HRT close to 20 years and present androgynously for the most part because I know that I look like a fire plug in a dress and prefer not to humiliate either of us, other than that we are on the same page you two are. ((Hugs))  ~Shan~

Offline Alyssa L.

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2014, 11:27:39 am »
[Temporarily Removed by User]
« Last Edit: June 06, 2014, 08:56:17 am by Alyssa L. »
Sadly I have been forced to delete all my posts due to my wife using them as a weapon against me in conflicts during our difficult separation. I will still be around on the site and available for private messages.

Offline ikesgirl80

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2014, 12:44:31 pm »
Thank you for the warm welcome Shan and Alyssa!  Total commitment and honesty are there, we are both working on trust.  That is the hard one for both of us, as previous relationships were MAJORLY lacking in that department.  Total communication is also coming around, we both sometimes want to have THE answer before talking, but we are finding waiting that long actually causes more issues.  So we are learning to say "I think I feel..." or "I'm 90% sure that..." or "I think I have 2 choices.  (Explain A, then B)" etc.  I am also working on maintaining myself until June and supporting her, then work on trying to manage both over the summer, when I don't have the work responsibility. 

Shantel

Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2014, 12:47:30 pm »
Thank you for the warm welcome Shan and Alyssa!  Total commitment and honesty are there, we are both working on trust.  That is the hard one for both of us, as previous relationships were MAJORLY lacking in that department.  Total communication is also coming around, we both sometimes want to have THE answer before talking, but we are finding waiting that long actually causes more issues.  So we are learning to say "I think I feel..." or "I'm 90% sure that..." or "I think I have 2 choices.  (Explain A, then B)" etc.  I am also working on maintaining myself until June and supporting her, then work on trying to manage both over the summer, when I don't have the work responsibility.

You're not alone we're here for you both!  :icon_bunch:

Offline HayHayGirl

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2014, 09:35:22 pm »
Hello!

My name is Hayleigh, fiancé to Chris.  :D

I am new here, and this is my first post! (Woohoo!) I found this website through my fiancé, and let me tell you, she has been pestering me to make my introduction..LOL. So, here I am! *waves*  I will try not to get into too much detail about my story here as this is the significant other's forum. I will elaborate some on my journey with Chris and share some of my insights on what has happened thus far.

First and foremost, I want to say how wonderful it is to know there is a place for people like us to come together. It's nice to have such an active, open community! As most of us already know, having even the smallest of support can go a long way in keeping our spirits up as we move along in the world. I look forward to interacting and meeting with new people in the days and weeks ahead!  :)

Speaking of support, I don't think I would be anywhere meaningful without my Chris. That's not to say that I would have never come out and became the real me at some point, or to say that I am not strong enough to do this alone. Instead, having her support, love, and dedication has allowed both of us to come closer together in ways not possible before. Having a safe haven to go to when things are going tough and knowing that someone I love has my back has allowed my confidence to grow at the speed of light.  In turn, our journey has progressed quickly, our relationship has grown stronger beyond imagining, and the future looks brighter than anything I could have ever imagined!

Our story doesn't just give the both of us hope and happiness.  It gives others our there, in every walk of life, a reason to believe.  To believe that there are people out there who will take the time to understand, and to love you for who you are.  That it is possible to find peace and love and that we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. The aura we give off when we are together in public only proves this: the general public at large treats us wonderfully and with warmth and tolerance.  Most people can't help but respect love and happiness and wonder if maybe they will ever have what we have.  I like to think that, when we are together, we sort of tell the world "Hey, if we can be happy and make it happen, then you can too!"

If only you believe. That's all it takes.

And to find someone special, someone like my Chris.  Someone so kind and genuine. Full of love and patience. She loves me for who I am, without any second thought,  never seeming to doubt. In this pain-filled world, I often find myself struggling to believe how lucky I really am to have her. It is all so surreal..  I wake up everyday hoping I can make her as happy as she makes me, even a little bit! <3

Offline Jessica Merriman

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2014, 09:54:07 pm »
A big warm welcome to you Hayleigh! This should be a real interesting relationship for us to follow. I am glad you are both progressing in your relationship and doing well. Keep up the good work! :)

Shantel

Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2014, 10:20:49 am »
Hello!

My name is Hayleigh, fiancé to Chris.  :D


Welcome Hayleigh!
       I'll be interested in following you two as you transition, Chris sounds like a real keeper, you're blessed to have each other!

Offline Virginia

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2014, 10:03:58 am »
ikesgirl80 & HayHayGirl, I wanted to take a minute to introduce myself. I am the male host of a dissociative identity/multiple personality (DID/MPD) System in a 53-year-old male assigned at birth body and have been married for 20+ years. A series of trauma triggered decomposition of my System when I was 48 (2009,) and my 13 year old female alter who fronted for the System during junior high became self aware. The resulting battle for control of the body was misdiagnosed as gender dysphoria. Three years of therapy after having been diagnosed as MTF transsexual and the time/memory loss, flashbacks and nightmares started. I was re-diagnosed with DID/MPD and began trauma recovery therapy from childhood abuse.

As I am sure you are both aware, is extremely common for people with MPD/DID to have opposite gender personalities. Male alters give female trauma victims the strength they do not believe themselves to possess as women. Female alters give men a way to justify in their minds the horror of having been molested and a way to resolve the resulting sexual confusion. I was no exception. My male and female alters have nothing to do with gender. They are what the Self needed to protect itself to survive trauma. That they are male and female is the result of me not being given a "consistent gender message" in early childhood because of:
-The extreme delineation of emotions/behavior as strictly male or female in my family's late 1800's Eastern European mores
-Identity confusion during critical stages of development around age 3 in having been given my female cousin's clothes to wear by my parents
-My only playmates though age 8 being girls

I was never given the chance to develop a "solitary gender identity." An innate ability to dissociate passed on to me by my Mother, my solution was to express myself as both a male and a female as I developed alters to cope with childhood trauma.

My System is typical of others with MPD/DID who used dissociation as a coping mechanism to survive their childhood trauma. An Inner Self Helper (ISH) and two fragment personalities (Protector who contains rage and a 7 year old, the result of the trauma leading to the first personality split who contains fear) are genderless and have little narcissistic investment. The ISH comes to conscious as needed in its supervisory capacity in the system. The frags operate quietly in the background unless triggered. My female and me share the responsibilities of fronting for the System.

Satisfying my female alters needs by transition would have been a HUGE mistake for my System. As is often the case, we are both extremely stereotypical to function in our required rolls in the System. It took HRT and a lot of give and take to settle on body grooming that did not cause dysphoria for one or the other of us. We have grown progressively more coconscious with therapy and pass well for each other when needed, but neither of us identifies as transgender.

I front for the System 5 days a week, my female alter Tuesdays and Fridays; triggered shifts between alters are still beyond the System’s control. We live completely separate lives. A handful of people in both of our worlds know we are DID, but they understand the personality they know to be the System host. It has been the most difficult thing my wife and I have faced in our married life but we have managed to incorporate my female alter into our lives for over 5 years now.

DID is a horrible horrible condition; my female becoming self aware was only the first step to healing the pain of childhood trauma. Between couples therapy, twice a week trauma recovery therapy and two days for my female, my life revolves around my DID. I’m not sure how I would survive if I weren’t retired. But In God’s infinite wisdom, the Self found a way to survive the horrible things I suffered as a child with the gift of dissociation. The psychological pain of trauma therapy has been excruciating but the consolation of truth is peace.
 
I posted some things that you may find helpful in the thread at: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=160791.msg1377184#msg1377184

~VA (pronounced Vee- Aye, the abbreviation for the State of Virginia where I live)

Offline JessikaBlackMage

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2014, 09:04:47 pm »
I love the name Hayleigh , however you choose to spell it , although my favourite way to spell it is Hayley because that's how my love spells it. It's great to have you here and I really enjoyed your story. Peopled named Hayley/Hayleigh are really amazing people.

Offline Crackpot

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #12 on: May 19, 2014, 07:10:11 pm »
Peopled named Hayley/Hayleigh are really amazing people.

Haha agreed. My wife is a Hayley as well but I'm not biased as at.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." Kurt Cobain

Offline JessikaBlackMage

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Re: My intro and story <3
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2014, 12:39:27 am »
Haha agreed. My wife is a Hayley as well but I'm not biased as at.
Haha agreed. My wife is a Hayley as well but I'm not biased as at.
If I was just starting to transition now, I would probably go with the name Hayley because it's a really nice name. altho   now it would open the way to her making a joke about "when I said you should take my name, I didn't mean my first name"

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