Author Topic: Anxiety when I pass  (Read 999 times)

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Offline Rom

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Anxiety when I pass
« on: August 05, 2014, 01:39:55 pm »
Hello all- I'm new around here, but figured I'd add to the conversation.

So anyway, I'm pre-t, pre-op, and I can actually pass pretty decently with my hair slicked back and wearing a button-up. I know I'm lucky that I have the ability to pass pre-t, and that's one of the things that keeps me going. However, here's the catch: Whenever I do pass, I get this fear that I'll screw up majorly and whoever I'm talking to will go "Wait, wait, what, is that a chick?" Yesterday, I went to the pawn shop to get a new gold chain, and I obviously passed- the guy behind the counter called me "man" twice  :D and I was thrilled. And randomly at work, where I'm called by my old name and pronouns and dying a little bit inside, a customer says "Thanks man" or something like that when I hand him his food. And people have definitely looked shocked when I've had to show them my ID (old name, "female" gender marker) once or twice. But for longer interactions than just a few words at work when I pass, even though it feels right to pass, I get nervous, thinking I'll end up giving something away.

It would just be nice to know people's thoughts about this. Is this normal? Are people likely to rethink things in their head when they've already decided to gender me as male? Does anyone else get anxious that even after they've passed, they'll do something or say something that makes them seem like a girl?
:icon_chainsaw: Don't call me a girl


I'm just keeping up hope and reaching for the light.


I'm so much happier now, even though I never look like it in pictures.

Offline jamesdoran

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2014, 02:14:41 pm »
Wow, the same thing happens to me...once I can tell someone has gendered me properly, I will usually be very short in my interaction with them.
I also try to avoid speaking, as I feel like I usually pass until I open my mouth.
I get terrified that they're going to "realize" my birth gender and so I get very very scrupulous about the way I walk, talk...I mean more than usual, if that makes sense.





check out my transition blog: www.jdbrrw.tumblr.com

~ James

Offline KamTheMan

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2014, 02:30:10 pm »
Dude I feel you. I pass 100% but have yet to change my name and still have kind of long hair in my ID picture so when I'm carded I get mad stressed. Sometimes I get a look, but I just try to stay confident and nothing ever comes of it. It's just something we have to deal with.



Offline JourneyFromConfusion

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2014, 02:32:41 pm »
I'm the same way, which is one of the reasons I'm nervous about asking my professors to call me anything other than my birth name this upcoming semester. I'm nervous that someone will be like "But you're a girl" and then I have to deal with the awkward looks of my classmates. I'm one of those people who'd much rather stay under the radar, even if it means going by my birth name. I just feel like if I'm not on T, I'm technically "not a guy" so I'm scared I'll be confronted, but don't worry. You're not alone in that feeling.
When the world rejects you, learn to accept yourself. Self-love and acceptance are two of the hardest things to acquire, yet put everything in the universe into perspective when it is achieved.

Offline jamesdoran

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2014, 02:46:48 pm »
Hmm..this conversation reminds me of something I read online...

"Correct pronouns are not a 'privilege' for passing. They are mandatory."

That's true! It shouldn't matter if we pass or not, we still deserve respect.

Having the balls to make a stand, however...that's tough.





check out my transition blog: www.jdbrrw.tumblr.com

~ James

Offline KamTheMan

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2014, 03:33:38 pm »
Hmm..this conversation reminds me of something I read online...

"Correct pronouns are not a 'privilege' for passing. They are mandatory."

That's true! It shouldn't matter if we pass or not, we still deserve respect.

Having the balls to make a stand, however...that's tough.


Absolutely! And honestly, learning to be confident with your identity before you pass or are out in all aspects of your life makes a huge difference. It's hard, but so worth it.



Offline Rom

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Re: Anxiety when I pass
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2014, 03:37:43 pm »
Thanks for the replies guys-

kdbrrw: Yeah, I know what you're saying about hesitating to talk once getting gendered correctly. It's ironic because the people who call me the right name and pronouns are the last people who I want to think that I'm stand-offish and rude, but it's sometimes as though I can't help seeming that way because I'm thrilled but at the same time afraid of messing up. And yes, correct pronouns are mandatory. I die a little inside when anyone calls me she... I'd stand up for any person, trans or not, but for any trans person, I'd do anything to help them out. However, I'm usually confused about what to call nonbinary people- until they tell me what they prefer, I'd just use "they them theirs", etc. with the best intentions.

KamTheMan: Yeah, IDs suck. When me and my partner were buying wedding/engagement rings (again at a pawnshop, those places have some sweet deals, haha) the employee thought we were a gay couple until I got this insurance thing where I had to show my ID. I shouldn't have gotten the insurance... But anyway. He looked shocked, but still treated me like a guy. So I guess that's maybe a sign that people are more accepting than I thought they'd be.

JourneyFromConfusion: Yep, I'm still in high school unfortunately (I feel about 20 years older than most people there) and I don't really know how to start being officially "out". I think I'll just take each situation as it comes, and ask teachers/people in general to call me Rom. Maybe they'll think it's a nickname, but I live in a conservative but safe city so if they pester me too much about it I'll just flat out tell them. I'm also planning to print out a picture of a trans pride flag and put it on the front of my binder (the one for papers, not the one for vile chest abominations). I'm nervous, but I'm not afraid anymore. And yeah, I'm wondering if going on T really will make me feel more secure. It's already freeing to mentally be able to use male pronouns when thinking about myself (I'm weirdly introspective and mostly live inside my head, haha).

So yeah, I'm glad to have some input on this, and it's always good to remember that we're all in this together.
:icon_chainsaw: Don't call me a girl


I'm just keeping up hope and reaching for the light.


I'm so much happier now, even though I never look like it in pictures.

Tags: passing pre-t Anxiety