Author Topic: regret  (Read 6088 times)

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Dandy Dunker

regret
« on: November 13, 2014, 07:49:36 pm »
This is stupid but I regret not realizing I was trans although I am in my mid teens and I sort of can't forgive myself for that and I can't let it go and even if it's wrong to say this i'm going to anyway,  I don't have respect for myself because I should have known beforehand and i'm disappointed in myself and I really hate a part of me for that reason

Jill F

Re: regret
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2014, 08:00:46 pm »
Don't worry about these things, and please don't beat yourself up over it.  Playing the "what if" game never ends well.   I transitioned in my 40s, long after the damage was done, but I refuse to dwell on what cannot be changed.  It is nothing more than an exercise in futility and nothing good can become of it. 

I respect you becuse you figured it out, you're here, and you are being proactive.  I am happy for you, and you deserve nothing but respect and love from this community, and most importantly, yourself.   If you can't see why you need to stop thinking this way, please talk to a counselor or therapist. 

You are awesome, and your future is bright.  Never forget this.

Hugs,
Jill

Offline Beth Andrea

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Re: regret
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2014, 08:05:01 pm »
It's OK to make mistakes; doing so does not make you a bad person or someone who should be hated.

Learn from the mistake, which means figuring out how and why you "should have known." Some things aren't revealed until we are ready.

Once you figure out how and why, apply it to your current situation...you don't want to repeat the same mistake twice. ;)

Only other thing is, this is life, and sometimes things happen. Don't let your hindsight beat your self up.

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Offline Edge

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Re: regret
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2014, 08:22:51 pm »
I regret not realizing I was trans earlier too. BUT I am also able to acknowledge that I wasn't ready to come to terms with being trans yet. I took this long because I needed to take this long.

Dandy Dunker

Re: regret
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2014, 09:03:33 pm »
It's hard to think positive and I can never find something good about myself that out weights the bad I don't know if i'll ever find happiness in life

Offline Edge

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Re: regret
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2014, 09:43:09 pm »
It's not stupid. Illogical, yes, but it's actually pretty common for teenagers isn't it? Hormones are doing weird things to the brain (and, in his case, the wrong ones). It's difficult to regulate emotions and everything seems so... big for lack of a better word.
It would be a good idea to get some help. Personally, I'd recommend skills based therapy if you can find it like CBT or DBT.

Offline darkblade

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Re: regret
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2014, 10:08:55 pm »
Well, would it not be more helpful to think of it in terms of the fact that you've figured this out in your teens and not a couple of decades later? You've still got your whole life ahead of you which you can now lead being the person that you are. Nothing to be regretful of here.

But like everyone said, if you can't shake off these feelings, talk to someone about them, maybe consider therapy. No reason to hate yourself.
I'm trying to be somebody, I'm not trying to be somebody else.

Offline PucksWaywardSon

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Re: regret
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2014, 10:09:40 pm »
I can only add to what others have said - it's totally natural to wonder why you didn't figure it out sooner, but it takes time to put the right words on a feeling as big as not being the gender the world (maybe including you!) thought you were. Figuring it out is an emotional trip-out like probably nothing else you've ever experienced, even as an adult who's supposedly more able to cope with life's curveballs.

There's a reason psych therapy is a huge part of the transition process - it really is an incredibly big thing to go through and for people doing so without good support the strain can be devastating. As scary as it might seem to start that conversation with your doctor, and a therapist, try asking yourself if doing nothing about it is worse.

I hope you can find the support and help you need in finding and bringing out the real you - one you can look at in the mirror and like. "You from the past" isn't to blame, they didn't know.
Identifying As: Gamer Nerd, Aspiring actor, Wanderer, Shakespeare junkie. Transguy. time I lost the probably there... Hi, I'm Jamie.

Offline KamTheMan

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Re: regret
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2014, 11:01:21 pm »
I wasted probably $50,000 on drugs because I was too scared to transition. I think about how far I could be right now with that money and it nearly kills me. But I have to keep moving forward, it's the only way.



Offline GnomeKid

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Re: regret
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2014, 11:05:44 pm »
oh please.

How can you have known you're something that you probably didn't even know existed?

I'm actually pretty happy I didn't get the idea back into my head until college (after like elementary school times) ... Made my life in high school a lot less stressful. 
I solemnly swear I am up to no good.

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Offline adrian

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Re: regret
« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2014, 01:13:24 am »
Dandy, I regret I didn't figure this out until nearly forty. But we acknowledge these things when we're ready. There are hundreds of legitimate reasons why we cannot or do not want to see something that now seems so obvious to us. I had all the puzzle pieces, but never put them together until now. I feel dumb for it sometimes, but like I said -- the time for me to acknowledge who I am hadn't come until this year.

Please don't think of your past as wasted time (I sometimes do that) -- it's part of your history, part of who you are. And even though you are taking a new course/direction in your life now, every single step that took you up to this point is important too.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2014, 07:25:22 am by adrian »

Offline rexyrex

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Re: regret
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2014, 06:45:14 am »
I don't regret it but do at the same time. And I came out when I was in my 20s

Cindy

Re: regret
« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2014, 07:07:03 am »
 Regrets don't matter a damn. You can't change the past, you can live for the present and live for the future. You never live in the past.


Jess42

Re: regret
« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2014, 07:37:55 am »
It's hard to think positive and I can never find something good about myself that out weights the bad I don't know if i'll ever find happiness in life

I agree. Thinking positive is really hard sometimes. Looking for good in yourself that outwieghs the seemingly bad is hard too. This is another form of dysphoria. But both can be overcome. Therapy is a good place to start. Gender isn't the only thing dysphoric that a person can suffer from. Positive image reinforcement is a really good exercise. Ask your therapist about it and they should print you out how to go about it.

As for happiness though. You have to actively search for it. Usually, unless you are really lucky, it won't fall from the sky and into your lap. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness. So just try to think of things that make you happy and then persue those things.

Ciny is right. Forget the past, that is gone. Be who you are in the present and work for the future. But more importantly be who you are now with no regrets for things you can't change in the past. Figure out some positive goals for yourself in the future and work toward them.

Cindy

Re: regret
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2014, 07:51:27 am »
I wasn't going to include this in my response as it may seem inappropriate, but after Jess's nice post I shall. This is not a new observation, indeed many people who have the privilege of working with people who are facing their death hear the same thing.
'I don't regret anything that I have done, I regret what I haven't done. If I had my life again I would take the risks, I would do what I wanted to do'

If you ever have the very honoured opportunity to work with the terminally ill you do realise that life is very precious and to never ever give up on your dreams, just do it.


Offline Ayden

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regret
« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2014, 08:02:46 am »
I don't regret when I came to terms with myself. Regret is a paltry, sad thing that holds us back. You're in your mid teens? I was 23. I don't regret one minute of my life. Regret is an apology for history, as my thesis professor said and in the words of a man I love dearly, regret is the luxury of wasted time and energy. If you can have luxury of regret you can improve.

AdamMLP

Re: regret
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2014, 08:22:27 am »
I worked it out as soon as I discovered that trans men were a thing, and that not all trans people were women.  Sometimes I wish I'd worked it out sooner, because all the signs were always there, I just never knew it was possible, and every single person I met was telling me that I was female, they all couldn't be wrong, could they?  All female born people must just feel this way?  Nope, wrong.

For a long while I regretted not coming out sooner and living my life as it should be lived, because everything clicked into place, and the irritation and pain that I never even knew was there to that degree before was lifted, but I've come to terms with it now.  I know that coming out while still living with my parents would have never done me any good, heck, my father hasn't spoken to me since I came out, so it's worked out brilliantly that I never have to see them again.

There's no use dwelling on the past, nothing can be done.  All we can do is use the knowledge we now have into making the present and the future the best that it can possibly be.

Jess42

Re: regret
« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2014, 08:30:55 am »
I wasn't going to include this in my response as it may seem inappropriate, but after Jess's nice post I shall. This is not a new observation, indeed many people who have the privilege of working with people who are facing their death hear the same thing.
'I don't regret anything that I have done, I regret what I haven't done. If I had my life again I would take the risks, I would do what I wanted to do'

If you ever have the very honoured opportunity to work with the terminally ill you do realise that life is very precious and to never ever give up on your dreams, just do it.

It really isn't inappropriate Cindy. Unfortunately death is the one constant part of life that we cannot avoid eventually. It is really sad that most if not everyone doesn't live their life in the only part of life that we truly experience, in the moment. The past is gone. No use crying over spilled milk. The future is always uncertain but anything is possible though and we can mke our own futures a reality. But right now is where I need to live. Tommorrow may never come, but I have today. Tomorrow may eventually become today, but yesterday is gone. So it's always right now forever until that one day that is a constant certainty.

I'm sorry to get all philosophical but who I am today is not who I was yesterday. Who I am going to be tomorrow is not who I am today. It is a constant dynamic of learning from yesterday and applying what you have learned to who you are today and also to become who you will be tomorrow.

Yeah I know. Susan's resident crazy lady done struck again. ;)

Cindy

Re: regret
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2014, 08:37:38 am »
Crazy like a Fox :)


Offline FriendsCallMeChris

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Re: regret
« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2014, 09:36:18 am »
I worked it out as soon as I discovered that trans men were a thing, and that not all trans people were women.  Sometimes I wish I'd worked it out sooner, because all the signs were always there, I just never knew it was possible, and every single person I met was telling me that I was female, they all couldn't be wrong, could they?  All female born people must just feel this way?  Nope, wrong.


This is me exactly.  If it helps, I'm 52 and still wondering why I didn't figure it out until now.   I went through, and am still going through,  a lot of rollercoaster emotions when I did come to terms with  being trans*.  Today is a good day! You will have good days, too.  I promise.  Breathe through the confusing and dark ones. You'll come out on the other side soon.

BTW, I've got TWO therapists and a couple of very good friends guiding me through this. I highly recommend finding  someone stable  who you can trust and talk about how you feel to them.  Even if they don't understand the trans* thing, they'll get that you are distressed.  My therapists and friends help me stop spinning all the time.

Chris
Chris

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