Author Topic: Natalie's Story  (Read 1824 times)

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Offline teamkp

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Natalie's Story
« on: November 25, 2014, 08:58:49 pm »
In 2011, I never had sexual relations with anyone, but my left hand, sounds crash, but oh well.  I started dating my current girlfriend and we had sex for the first time.  It felt good, but I didn't feel good as I was nervous of getting her pregnant and she wanted to make sure that it felt good for me.  I remember saying that I wanted to wear to her two piece bathing suit and she threw at me.  Our relationship was strained, but it recovered.  I admitted to her that I was a crossdresser and dabbled in wearing her dresses, bra, and even got my own pantyhose.

In 2012, I started to experiment with dressing up completely this included make-up and wig.  She saw pictures of me dressed up and was upset, she did not want to be part of this side of me and thus began the DADT part of our tale.

2012-August 2014, I was pretty confident that I was a crossdresser, maybe bigender.  But, I was comfortable being a male.  We started to be less and less intimate and I felt inclined more and more to dress-up.  I spoke to myself one night dressed up and feeling like Natalie, feeling complete.  I started to wonder if this is something that I wanted more than anything.  I told my therapist that I had been going to for a few years to initially handle my depression about my feminine side and that I was experiencing feminine needs.  I thought maybe I was just a gay male, but the imagine of me being a flamboyant male disgusted me.  I only enjoyed acting feminine when I was Natalie.

Present, I know that this isn't that in depth, but I figure that this is a good place to catch up.  I enjoy dressing up as Natalie and being her.  I am ok with seeing my male image when I look back in the mirror, but I much rather see a female image.  I know that a lot of it is sexually motivated, but it is drifting to the point where I feel that I am repressing a side of myself.  I wish I was born female.  While I was climaxing by myself, I cried thinking that I couldn't get pregnant or that I would never be loved because who could ever love me.  I felt like a freak and I waffle on suicidal thoughts.  I have a scheduled an appointment with a gender therapist with the local LGBT group and hopefully I can get some answers.  I am not sure where I want to go, I see others who have transitioned and I see how passable they are.  I know the challenges that exist considering that I have had male middle class priviledge all my life and it is something that I am giving up.

However, I know that I cannot continue in my present state.  I am not sleeping well and I am constant sad.  My depression is associated with the lack of control in my life, my self esteem, my body image, and identity issues.  I am not sure if these are completely related to me being a transsexual or somewhere in the transgender umbrella.  I hope to explore who I am and what makes my life go.  If someone asks me what do I want 10 years from now, somedays I wish to be dad, others day, I wish to be a woman with a caring partner (not sure if male or female, but I feel that I would be the stereotypical "femme") in the relationship cuddling in his or her arms where I feel completely secure.  I have started laser hair removal.  I completed my genital, butt, upper thigh, and underarm.  I am starting doing laser on my face.  I can definitely take the pain for the results.

That is all at the moment and I hope to continue later.  As far as suicide thoughts, I will not do it and if I plan to, I will check myself into a hospital before I do anything irreversible.
Hi my name is Natalie.
I am a 28 year old XY who is gender confused.
On this forum I prefer the pronouns female pronouns, ie. she and her.
If you have any comments or questions, please ask me, I am open book.

Offline TerriT

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Re: Natalie's Story
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2014, 03:47:03 pm »
Yes, a lot of that sounds very familiar. I haven't anything useful to add, just wanted to let you know I read your story and hope you find the answers you're looking for. Eventually, I did, or at least, am finding them now.