Topic: Am I a Bad Daughter?

[Jelly-Bean]

Hi everyone, I'm new to Susan's place (just joined today!) so I'm still getting used to how all this works.

I basically came here to get some advice or a second opinion ... Anything would help me out a lot, as I don't get to talk to many people who are knowledgeable of transgender related issues.

I met my ex-boyfriend about four years ago and we pretty much hit it off right away. We were both very young at the time however, only 14, and he was still in denial of his feelings towards his gender and hadn't really figured himself out yet (still using she/her pronouns, etc). We started dating a few years later and he came out as FtM trans to me during this time. I had no issues with this whatsoever and the transition was very smooth for both of us in that regard, continuing with our relationship very easily. We both suffer from bad anxiety and he deals with depression, so we were each others biggest supporters as we had issues opening up to our parents (suspecting both his and mine would disapprove of his transition).

We talked about coming out to my parents a million times and planned to tell them in a very specific way, however they ended up finding out through Facebook instead before I got the chance to tell them the way I wanted to (seeing his changed name and a picture of us together... my sister left it open...go figure) My mom knew we were dating, and she was fine with same sex relationships, however she was very, VERY against it once she discovered he was trans. Both my parents immediately told me to dump him right then and there, or else I was considered a failure and I should be basically kicked out of the house. At this point we were both very emotionally invested in each other (18 years old now), so of course I didn't want to leave him, but my parents put me in a very tough situation.

I am technically an adult, however they are still paying for my college education and I am completely dependent on them. Me and my ex chose to take a break/break up after this whole fiasco, as my anxiety was getting terrible and I needed to focus on myself for a while. I still have feelings for him and remembering the things my parents said to me still makes me very upset and depressed. I love to see them happy and they've done a lot for me, but they just wouldn't listen to me every time I tried to explain that it'll be okay. I can't help but feel very distant from them now and I find myself going out nearly every day to hang out with my ex (we're still very close best friends) to escape from the negative feelings I get at home. My parents were always so nice and accepting of me growing up, and now it's just so different...

I just don't know anymore. I've been seeing counselors for my anxiety and it's been helping me personally, however I still felt this need for advice from a community/forum like this. Am I a bad daughter for feeling this drifting from my parents? Was I a bad girlfriend to my ex for leaving him because of what my parents threatened me with? I can't help but constantly feel this way. I also understand that I am still very young and I have a whole lot of learning and growth ahead of me, which is why I came here to get possibly a more experienced view on things.

Any advice would be really appreciated! Thank you for reading all of this mess!

[JulieL]

Welcome, Jelly-Bean!

I'm sorry for everything you've been going through. You're definitely not a bad daughter, but your parents should definitely rethink how they've treated you and your boyfriend. I think your choice in the moment to break-up romantically with your boyfriend, but remain supportive friends made a lot of sense in light of your parents' reaction and your mental health needs.

It's a really difficult situation. Your parents are being completely unfair, but you still need them. Only you can decide what's more important to you and what you need. I would recommend perhaps trying to speak to your parents about it again. Why do such accepting people have such a problem with this? What are they worried about? It sounds like they care about you a great deal, and their actions are probably an attempt to protect you in some way. It could be beneficial to more fully understand their motivation and perhaps assuage their fears.

Best of luck on your journey.

[mrs izzy]

Welcome Jelly bean to Susan's family

So many topics to explore and posts to write.

This path is so hard to walk and needs that support system

No you are not a bad daughter.

[JoanneB]

For starters, you certainly are NOT a bad daughter.

Luckily, you picked up some of the good values from your parents and expanded on them. Unfortunately, they have not yet not able to make that Logic Leap between same-sex relationships and trans (if there is such a thing except by purely biological concepts at which point we are now back to same sex).

Finding out the way they did did poison the well a bit. Perhaps in time you two can turn this around

[seekingadvice]

I am so sorry you are going through this struggle with your family. That is such a hard position for you to put them in. If your family was open to the idea of same-sex relationships I am surprised they had such a problem with this. You said you see a counsellor but maybe it's worth going to one with your folks?
All the best to you.

[TracyCakes]

Hi jelly! What is missing from your story is WHY your parentals are against you being in a relationship with a trans man.  As a parent myself, I always want the best for my kids and sometimes that means laying down the law and telling them no to some things.  I suspect that your parents also want the best for you but unfortunately people's prejudices are often borne out of misunderstanding and ignorance.  Before condemning them, try to find out what their concerns are, what are they really afraid of happening and try to educate them. Do it in a respectful way and be patient.  Don't be confrontational.  They probably have met a trans person at  some point and didn't know.  Transfolks are in every occupation, doctor,  nurses, police, fire, lawyers, politics, company owners, stock brokers, etc.  We bag groceries, repair cars, build homes, and cook and serve your food in restaurants.  Many Fortune 500 companies have adopted trans friendly work place environments because they know the value of diversity and hiring the most qualified person.   Being trans is not a weakness. We are some of the most courageous people out there.  For many of us, just leaving the house is a torturous experience. Hopefully, if they love you, you might change their hearts. 

[KyleeKrow]

that sounds awful. honestly i would be feeling the same way i'm sure. i probably would've tried to keep the relationship going,(i'm a pretty stubborn person), but i'm also not in your shoes. you're definitely not a bad daughter or person, though.

[Laura_7]

Have a *hug*

no you are not... in fact you do the right thing and look for help and support...

as you describe it your parents have some strong emotions concerning transgender people...
just know that its not your fault...

you might look up a brochure called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing.
It explains some of the feelings transgender people have.

And, well, its people like others... with cravings and needs like everybody esle...

Well since you know them best its up to you what you say... you might think about showing the brochure, its for the british national health service, a reputable source...

talking in a relaxed manner might help... remaining calm and stating facts and a few needs...

one possibility would be to sit them down and talk to them... over a cup of tea... and really talk about it... staying in a relaxed tone, not making reproaches but stating your opinion... just talking and asking... imo the NHS brochure might help... saying its biological... talking sensibly but saying what you feel... and maybe they need some time to really understand...
they might also talk about their fears...
for example what the neighbors might say... (there are many trans people now so more and more people get used to it slowly...)
that they had some fixed ideas about your future... well its all possible regardless...

And you might think about talking it through with your counselor...

[areeba]

are you around portland? you should check out the q center out there if you are. there's a group for trans women every friday from 7-9 and they're also allowed to bring a support person as well.

[Jelly-Bean]

Hi everyone, not sure if it's appropriate to update this extremely old thread but I wanted to come back on here and thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your advice, words, and encouragement. I wrote this at one of the lowest points of my life and I'm proud to say that - after some intense counselling for anxiety and depression from both of us -  the "ex" I spoke of in this post and I have been together again for many years now and both of us have never been happier. I graduated university last year, got a job, and we're about to move in together officially (hopefully this year!) My family has come around (after many conversations) to be supportive and understanding, especially my mom. All of your advice and words meant the world to me in a time when I felt so lost and unsure of my choices. It really was a beacon of hope for me from the community that things could get better - and they did. Thank you so much.

[Rakel]

Welcome back J-B,

It has certainly been a long time between posts. Being a Significant Other of a trans person can be a very intimidating situation for most everyone. I am happy that you have found a way to make your relationship work for you and your family.