Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

Am I a Bad Daughter?

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TracyCakes:
Hi jelly! What is missing from your story is WHY your parentals are against you being in a relationship with a trans man.  As a parent myself, I always want the best for my kids and sometimes that means laying down the law and telling them no to some things.  I suspect that your parents also want the best for you but unfortunately people's prejudices are often borne out of misunderstanding and ignorance.  Before condemning them, try to find out what their concerns are, what are they really afraid of happening and try to educate them. Do it in a respectful way and be patient.  Don't be confrontational.  They probably have met a trans person at  some point and didn't know.  Transfolks are in every occupation, doctor,  nurses, police, fire, lawyers, politics, company owners, stock brokers, etc.  We bag groceries, repair cars, build homes, and cook and serve your food in restaurants.  Many Fortune 500 companies have adopted trans friendly work place environments because they know the value of diversity and hiring the most qualified person.   Being trans is not a weakness. We are some of the most courageous people out there.  For many of us, just leaving the house is a torturous experience. Hopefully, if they love you, you might change their hearts. 

KyleeKrow:
that sounds awful. :-\ honestly i would be feeling the same way i'm sure. i probably would've tried to keep the relationship going,(i'm a pretty stubborn person), but i'm also not in your shoes. you're definitely not a bad daughter or person, though.

Laura_7:
Have a *hug*

no you are not... in fact you do the right thing and look for help and support...

as you describe it your parents have some strong emotions concerning transgender people...
just know that its not your fault...

you might look up a brochure called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing.
It explains some of the feelings transgender people have.

And, well, its people like others... with cravings and needs like everybody esle...

Well since you know them best its up to you what you say... you might think about showing the brochure, its for the british national health service, a reputable source...

talking in a relaxed manner might help... remaining calm and stating facts and a few needs...

one possibility would be to sit them down and talk to them... over a cup of tea... and really talk about it... staying in a relaxed tone, not making reproaches but stating your opinion... just talking and asking... imo the NHS brochure might help... saying its biological... talking sensibly but saying what you feel... and maybe they need some time to really understand...
they might also talk about their fears...
for example what the neighbors might say... (there are many trans people now so more and more people get used to it slowly...)
that they had some fixed ideas about your future... well its all possible regardless...

And you might think about talking it through with your counselor...

areeba:
are you around portland? you should check out the q center out there if you are. there's a group for trans women every friday from 7-9 and they're also allowed to bring a support person as well.

Jelly-Bean:
Hi everyone, not sure if it's appropriate to update this extremely old thread but I wanted to come back on here and thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your advice, words, and encouragement. I wrote this at one of the lowest points of my life and I'm proud to say that - after some intense counselling for anxiety and depression from both of us -  the "ex" I spoke of in this post and I have been together again for many years now and both of us have never been happier. I graduated university last year, got a job, and we're about to move in together officially (hopefully this year!) My family has come around (after many conversations) to be supportive and understanding, especially my mom. All of your advice and words meant the world to me in a time when I felt so lost and unsure of my choices. It really was a beacon of hope for me from the community that things could get better - and they did. Thank you so much.

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