Author Topic: Lost interest in dating/sex  (Read 3312 times)

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Offline MikeG500

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Lost interest in dating/sex
« on: February 02, 2015, 11:33:51 am »
Well to give a bit of background info, I am about to be 24, I have been on testosterone for about 3.5 years now and had chest surgery about 2.5 years ago. I am in my final year of undergrad and also working at an internship. I am also very stealth.

So this is the problem I need some advice on or if anyone has had a similar experience. Before I finally got out of my denial and started to physically transition I dated women and have always only been interested in women. I never saw myself as female and whenever I dated women they eventually realized this or I told them and it all worked out because they would treat me male. In my late teenage years up until I transitioned I dated a few women, who were very attractive and all either bi or later identified as straight. I felt I was good at getting women and would be really into them when I was talking to an attractive girl or flirting or whatever. I did have a serious relationship of 2 years, who was the only girl I felt I was really "in love" with. Our relationship ended around the time I began to transition, for other reasons.

Anyways, after I began transition I have "talked to" only 2 women in the past 4 years. One was just a post breakup fling with a girl who was bi but I ended it because I wasn't over my ex. Then nothing for about 3 years. Then I pursued this amazingly beautiful woman a couple years younger than me. I asked her to get some lunch and we eventually kissed and I felt pretty into her. She seemed a lot more into me though. I had to confess to her that I transitioned, which surprisingly she took very well and didn't care. Only thing is when it came to hooking up I never took my pants off and she never tried. I was way nervous. Anyways... She had a lot of guys pursuing her because she's an attractive girl and things eventually ended because, well women and their games...  Basically she wasn't as great of a person as I thought she was..

SO my main point/question is this.. I literally have only seen 2 women( for a very short time) in four years. It really doesn't bother me too much because I am so busy with work and school and my travel adventures that I don't really focus on it. But sometimes it gets to me and I feel like I am missing out/a failure/ lonely. I feel like I am not as attracted or interested in women anymore. It's weird. For example, I've had many awesome conversations with some good looking women but I never have the intention of flirting or asking her out on a date. I feel like its just a friend thing. I also am self-conscious about my height (5'4) and I think that makes me feel like they wouldn't take me seriously anyways. I can't tell if this is because I am letting my height and genital issues subconsciously keep me from feeling interested in women or if its something else. Has anyone had this experience? (And no I am not interested in men at all)

« Last Edit: February 02, 2015, 12:59:53 pm by MikeG500 »

Offline 2fish

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2015, 12:28:00 pm »
Maybe you just haven't met the right girl that has caught your eye yet. It happens. For me, I've dated a little bit and well, got with one girl lasted 4.5 years and she ended up having a bad drug problem and so it ended last year. I go through periods of time where I literally just don't run into anyone interesting enough. So, it's good you haven't lost interest in dating, maybe its just that you haven't found someone worth your while.
http://www.gender158.com (A Trans-Masculine Resource Website)

Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2015, 12:57:12 pm »
Maybe you just haven't met the right girl that has caught your eye yet. It happens. For me, I've dated a little bit and well, got with one girl lasted 4.5 years and she ended up having a bad drug problem and so it ended last year. I go through periods of time where I literally just don't run into anyone interesting enough. So, it's good you haven't lost interest in dating, maybe its just that you haven't found someone worth your while.

I've thought about that... I must be extremely picky then... but I just feel like women I should be interested in or I normally would be interested in I have no feeling of flirting with them or trying to take it anywhere. It's odd to me. But maybe you're right.

Offline HeyTrace19

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2015, 01:41:30 pm »
Just a thought...have you had your T level checked lately?  I went through a time when I was feeling pretty low key and romantically disinterested in my girlfriend (which was very hurtful to her), and truly had almost NO interest in sex.  Turns out my testosterone had tanked.  Once I was able to increase my dose and bring that up a bit, I felt more like my usual self, even though my lower dysphoria can still, on occasion, cause some conflict.  Just wanted to share that in case you had not considered it. Hormones are pretty powerful, and the right balance is critical!

Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2015, 02:02:44 pm »
Just a thought...have you had your T level checked lately?  I went through a time when I was feeling pretty low key and romantically disinterested in my girlfriend (which was very hurtful to her), and truly had almost NO interest in sex.  Turns out my testosterone had tanked.  Once I was able to increase my dose and bring that up a bit, I felt more like my usual self, even though my lower dysphoria can still, on occasion, cause some conflict.  Just wanted to share that in case you had not considered it. Hormones are pretty powerful, and the right balance is critical!

I have considered hormone levels. Last time I checked it was 600 and I haven't changed my dose. But I also get horny and masturbate quite often. (TMI but necessary for this I guess).

I am thinking that maybe my subconscious is <not allowed> up and I feel inadequate so it doesn't even let me feel anything for anyone... Which sucks and I don't know how to fix that

Offline kast

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2015, 04:46:02 pm »
I've experienced something similar and on occasion when I've been depressed. I had a girlfriend about a year before starting T, and then I was single until 2 years on T. During that period I didn't really have an interest in dating (even with a high libido) because I had both conscious and subconscious thoughts that were stopping me. I didn't believe I was desirable, the idea of finding someone who accepts me and having to come out to them seemed like a huge hassle, and I was just scared in general of the whole thing. Any of these feel familiar? Could it be also that you were used to dating women as a "woman", and now you're self-conscious about your role as a man in a relationship? Things that I'm self-conscious about now, such as my height, weren't an issue when I was seen as a girl. But now I can't help comparing myself to cis males, especially in romantic/sexual contexts.





Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2015, 05:11:30 pm »
I've experienced something similar and on occasion when I've been depressed. I had a girlfriend about a year before starting T, and then I was single until 2 years on T. During that period I didn't really have an interest in dating (even with a high libido) because I had both conscious and subconscious thoughts that were stopping me. I didn't believe I was desirable, the idea of finding someone who accepts me and having to come out to them seemed like a huge hassle, and I was just scared in general of the whole thing. Any of these feel familiar? Could it be also that you were used to dating women as a "woman", and now you're self-conscious about your role as a man in a relationship? Things that I'm self-conscious about now, such as my height, weren't an issue when I was seen as a girl. But now I can't help comparing myself to cis males, especially in romantic/sexual contexts.

Thanks for your input Kast. I might be somewhat depressed and I know that coming out to girls and the whole genitals thing really gives me anxiety, and I usually feel like it would be hard for any girl to find me attractive with my height. I know that I am much more comfortable dating as a man, since even when I was seen as a "woman" I always acted male and assumed male roles. Those things you said sound familiar, how did you get over it?

Offline kast

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2015, 07:20:41 pm »
Those things you said sound familiar, how did you get over it?

I'm still working through it, but I guess it was a mixture of making an effort to be self-aware of my own negative thoughts and willing to challenge them, and also just jumping into dating regardless and the good luck of starting a relationship with someone I could open up to. You can do all the preparation within yourself to boost your self-esteem, address your issues, take more pride in yourself and your body. But at some point you need the practice of actually flirting, dating, and being with people.





Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2015, 07:33:14 pm »
I'm still working through it, but I guess it was a mixture of making an effort to be self-aware of my own negative thoughts and willing to challenge them, and also just jumping into dating regardless and the good luck of starting a relationship with someone I could open up to. You can do all the preparation within yourself to boost your self-esteem, address your issues, take more pride in yourself and your body. But at some point you need the practice of actually flirting, dating, and being with people.

So would you say that I lost interest because I haven't been trying? I wonder if I make myself try to flirt or go on dates with people it would help me. Another thing is, it's way hard to date as a straight male.. Women are rough. It's like you're suddenly seen as creepy even if it's not any intention at all. But anyways... Maybe I have lost interest because I have been keeping myself away and I just need to force myself to practice to get the interest back. Or I could be completely wrong.

Offline ghostwhisperer

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2015, 10:47:47 pm »
Another thing is, it's way hard to date as a straight male.. Women are rough. It's like you're suddenly seen as creepy even if it's not any intention at all.

THIS. So true.

I've never dated "as a woman". I just stayed away from girls before I came out, even though I really wanted to take a girl to a dance in high school. A year or so ago, I tried flirting with almost every attractive, single girl I came into contact with and I was met with a general reaction of, "you're creepy/desperate", so I stopped. Now, I'm terrified to actually flirting with girls. I over-compensate by using humor, instead. The majority of straight girls I've met are cruel when it comes to dealing with men. Notice that I said "the majority". It's not that I'm disinterested in dating/sex, I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that they will probably lose interest in me in favor of a more eligible guy (i.e. someone with a working penis).

I don't have a solution for you. Just thought I'd say that you're not alone.

Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2015, 05:54:42 pm »
THIS. So true.

I've never dated "as a woman". I just stayed away from girls before I came out, even though I really wanted to take a girl to a dance in high school. A year or so ago, I tried flirting with almost every attractive, single girl I came into contact with and I was met with a general reaction of, "you're creepy/desperate", so I stopped. Now, I'm terrified to actually flirting with girls. I over-compensate by using humor, instead. The majority of straight girls I've met are cruel when it comes to dealing with men. Notice that I said "the majority". It's not that I'm disinterested in dating/sex, I've more or less resigned myself to the fact that they will probably lose interest in me in favor of a more eligible guy (i.e. someone with a working penis).

I don't have a solution for you. Just thought I'd say that you're not alone.

Wow really glad you can relate. Women can be pretty ruthless, at least American women. It's like the have this impossible standard you have to meet and definitely have to be tall. It's rough out there. This might be one of the reasons I have felt so "meh" when it comes to dating and women. I'm having metiodioplasty hopefully if I raise the money this summer, so I'm hoping that will help my confidence a bit.

Offline Nygeel

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2015, 08:37:31 am »
I've been single for 6 years and have only been on first dates so far. I think it's been under or around 10 first dates. All really bad.  Since my ex I've hooked up with two people. I don't have much of an interest in sex or relationships because it would be too difficult. I can't rationalize focusing on those things because I know the more I do, the more unhappy I'll be.

I am pretty lonely. The majority of my friends are in relationships and are polyamorous (meaning they have relationships with multiple partners). My friends are great but I am a little envious of what they all have. On the other side their great relationships bring me hope.

Offline Natkat

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2015, 12:35:04 pm »
There could be various of reasons and it's up to you to figure out what feels right.

It may be just something as simple as you not being interesteed in dating or sex for the moment. If you don't feel its needed and you are occupated with work and other things then I don't see a problem its just your mind being focused on other thing now. it could also be your sexuality had changed from a sexual romantic to more asexual aromantic, It somethimes happent that people change there sexuality or romantic attraction at some point in there life or that its fluent.

another reason as already been mention would be if your disconfort in your new role makes you feel incape able to date or have sex with women. I totally get you from this point. I feel women are pretty attractive but still I feel more confortable with men than women. I think the whole expectation of being a straight couple and all those expectations of men and women is bugging me alot. Its the same with men who want to put roles on who is the "woman or man in a relationship" it really bugs me with those boxes and expectations where for me gay relationships seams more equal in a way. dating girls is also rather difficult, I never tried going out with a girl when I was a girl but I know I am in general rather lucky with getting guys attention but with girls I have really no idea what to do and where and I need to be more carefull after I transition because im seen as a cis man and some of the things I say or do may be misunderstood. ::)

the basic question to ask yourself is.

1) do you feel like this because that is just how you feel, and you worry because the culture is telling you that you must have sex and date women in order to be happy, when you dont bother or feel attraction to anyone?

2) or do you feel like this because you are secretly insecure about yourself and how to deal with women being viewed as a guy? and this is making you feel unconfortable about dating or having sex with women?

if so then:

1)
its okay not to be into anyone for long or short period of time. it dose not make you more or less of a human or an important person. you may find suport in asexual-aromantic groups if you feel this fits you or if you do think this is just a phrase that you for the moment arnt interesteed but might be later on you can just focus on what you like in the meanwhile.

2)
you may need some time to figure out the new genderbox you are being put in. you may also try to find people which are are more queer minded like dating bi/pansexual women or women who been with transmen before who may be more flexible with stuff like genderoles and expectations and not expect you to act like a hetrosexual straight guy who grew up that way.
being small dose not mean you are unattractive alot of hot guys are small and the beuty standard is just a box of a paticular type some people find attractive. I personally belive the real mindset of what we find beutifull and attractive is way beyond what you see in fasion magazines but many wont admit to have a preference outside the norm, and the companies are just going on whats in and popular and not as diverse as people tend to be.

Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2015, 02:03:41 pm »
Nygeel, I understand where you are coming from. I feel like if I focus on it then it will make me feel depressed about it. I hope you find happiness but it's good you have great friends. I am lucky in that aspect as well.

Natkat:

Thank you for your thorough reply. First I want to address what you said about the gender roles/ box of women expecting to act as a regular heterosexual male. I actually don't mind that at all. I actually already act that way to be honest. Even in my past relationships before I transitioned I assumed the traditional male role and felt the most comfortable that way. I actually prefer it if a woman expected that of me.

I am pretty open minded, and what you said about being more asexual or aromantic could be a possibility. At first my mind is quick to say "HELL NO" to that, but it really well could be that I may be that way? I guess I would have to explore that more.

I think that deep down, I might just be really uncomfortable with having to open up to a woman and telling her that I transitioned and that my genitals are not typical male. This might subconsciously be keeping me from being interested or having feelings/attraction, if that is possible?? If that is the case I am not sure how to address it, except maybe to work on being more comfortable with myself and just putting myself out there and trying?
And also as I said before I feel unattractive to women, so I think that also has some weird subconscious effect on me.

I am getting metoidioplasty with UL hookup in June, so that might help somewhat.

Offline Natkat

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2015, 02:14:26 pm »
okay we are all diffrent so I probably misunderstood your point when you said it was difficult with women.

Anyway it could very well also be you being unconfortable to open up on this. unfurtunately I dont have any advice on it. I am mostly openen and even if I arn't I been a political activist for trans rights for along time and when I tell people about that and all those details they start to figure out I might also be trans or at least queer at some point. ::)

you may work on your self esteme if thats what brings you down. honestly I think you look pretty handsome out from your picture so I think it may be more in your head but we are all rather self -conscious of something.




Offline MikeG500

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #15 on: April 08, 2015, 05:37:47 pm »
Understood. Thanks for the compliment. I guess it's mostly my height and just features that are not completely what it would be if I were born male that really get me down and make me self conscious.

I guess what I need to do is work on accepting myself and see if that helps with my feelings on dating/sex.

But as you said I could also just really not  be interested, which I need to also accept since society makes it seem like that's abnormal.

Offline Adam (birkin)

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Re: Lost interest in dating/sex
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2015, 10:05:28 pm »
I am thinking that maybe my subconscious is <not allowed> up and I feel inadequate so it doesn't even let me feel anything for anyone... Which sucks and I don't know how to fix that

I think that deep down, I might just be really uncomfortable with having to open up to a woman and telling her that I transitioned and that my genitals are not typical male. This might subconsciously be keeping me from being interested or having feelings/attraction, if that is possible?? If that is the case I am not sure how to address it, except maybe to work on being more comfortable with myself and just putting myself out there and trying?
And also as I said before I feel unattractive to women, so I think that also has some weird subconscious effect on me.

Before I saw this post I did consider this may be the case for you, only because I know that is my main issue. I love women but I find that oftentimes, my subconscious will suppress those feelings because I don't feel good enough for them. I think to myself that I they wouldn't like me because I'm trans, they wouldn't like me because I'm short, they wouldn't like me because I'm chubby, etc. Basically my insecurities are a major libido killer and a small part of me thinks "why bother?" so I focus on other things. I also hate coming out in all circumstances, so it puts me off too...like I basically feel so unnerved about that that, again, I just think "why bother?"

It's depressing and I don't know entirely how to get past it yet so I wish I could give you advice. I have brought it up in therapy, lol. You are a good looking guy from what I can see in your avatar, and I'm sure if a woman got to you know and liked you as a person she would be understandng or try to increase her understanding of the trans issue.

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