Author Topic: I don't think I can't give her what she wants  (Read 2250 times)

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Offline meganmichelle

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I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« on: May 25, 2015, 07:24:14 pm »
So... I've been trying to give my wife what she wants, which is a husband that is male inside and out. And I'm failing. And this subject of me being female inside is on my mind 24/7 and I can't get it out of my head. So I wrote a post around that as a separate thread here in the "coming out of the closet" forum, because its a whole other discussion :)

Here is what I want to share and ask for help on. I'm married, MTF in the closet, I've come out (I even read her a letter while sobbing), and wife has pushed, really shoved me back in the closet with an ultimatum that I'm either her husband or she feels this is not going to work (our marriage). It makes me so angry because as long as I'm behaving on her terms, she is happy with me. And I just don't think this is fair... 

I have to say I'm not a very dominate person and she overwhelms me with her anger and her forceful, 'her way or the highway' attitude. Whats weird is I make all the money, she works part time and for minimum wage, not that makes me a better person, just that I can't believe I can't get the courage up to push back. I KNOW I don't push back because I'm in terror (thats the right word) that I will lose her, my son, our house, and our future. Ultimately, I fear for my marriage and so she calls the shots.

So...I've been trying to make this work this way, on her terms.  I try to show her I'm doing fine, and I do all the projects around the house,  I agree to all her home improvement projects etc...

I like to watch shows with her and I want to talk about the cute pants the girl is wearing, I Want to talk about what is going on with me and I can't cause she can't stand it. I want to watch orange is the new black and tell her, that girl...that's me.

So... I've brought up gender therapist before to her, and she doesn't want me going to one. Says they will just convince me I'm transgender and pushes me to drop it 'or else'.  time passes...weeks later I got enough courage to send her a text message. She didn't reply, but when she got home, she tore into me that I can't drop these things on her while shes at work and then proceed to repeat that she thinks our marriage isn't going to work if I'm transgender.

*Sigh* So..'m trapped, I have this problem, I'm not allowed to talk to anyone, I'm not allowed to bring it up, and if I even act remotely to girly, she starts pushing her anger at me, and pushes that our marriage, our future, our life as I know it is over.  We have a child (son 10), a house, I have a job that is really high pressure. I feel at times I can do it all, other days (like right now while she is at work), I feel like I'm going to snap.

I don't think I can forget this problem. I don't think I can keep up the "I was confused mode forever" because I Can't let it go. I've tried to strategize that maybe I can be 100% girl in my head, but not present or transition.   I've tried to take the approach of slightly transitioning in secret. I've tried drinking, and I've contemplated suicide (But I can't do that because I love my son and wouldn't do that to him).

So... I don't know what to do, part of me wants to just run, and run fast. I want to jump in my car, with a bag of luggage, quit my job, quit my family, and quit everything. I feel like I need to change, I'm in terror/fear for my relationship, marriage, future and my own personal sanity. Part of me wants to cash in ever asset I have and live now, and live fast and hard, quit work, quit my marriage and quit everything that is not working for me. Yet my Son..demands that I protect him and make sure he has a good life.

So..I just don't know what to do here.  Is it better to come out now and deal with it with her? Let the marriage disintegrate? deal with her family freaking out on me, work freaking out on me, my own family freaking out on me? Deal with trying to sell the house in a neighborhood where houses don't sell...

I'm sorry about all this. I feel like my life is one gigantic tangled knot..and I need to unravel it, but have no hands to do so.

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Offline Mariah

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2015, 08:29:20 pm »
One way to sort through all of this is to make lists of pros and cons regarding anything and everything. The pros of staying in your marriage and cons. It doesn't sound like she has given you any ground to work with or I would have said to work slowly with that. Remember your transition is all about you. Yes it will affect her and others in your life, but ultimately only you decide if it is worth it to let go of all of that to transition. I'm so sorry your stuck in such a tight situation like that and I can only hope you gain the breathing room you need in time. Good luck and Hugs. Please keep us posted.
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« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 10:55:09 pm by Mariah2014 »
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Offline ChiGirl

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2015, 09:53:47 pm »
HUGS!  It's so hard.  You need to see a therapist, whether it's a gender specialist or not.  She can not stop you from getting help, morally or legally.  I know this news must be upsetting for her, but she is acting in an abusive manner.  Good luck and remember that you are not alone.

Offline Abby Claire

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2015, 10:12:22 pm »
You need to go to a therapist. Especially if suicide is a thought you're having.

Now, I'll give my opinion which is all that it is. It may/may not sway you and I am biased. If the thoughts of suicide are there and you have depression and anxiety that's stemming from this I feel it is only a matter of time until transitioning becomes a reality. I get it, the doubts and everything, and before transitioning I would agree with a pros/cons approach. Howver, there's only one way to look at it: If you continue as you are will your depression worsen and suicidal thoughts persist?

My mother told me she would rather have a child alive and transitioning than having me dead. I'm certain your son would feel the same way. It's scary and hard for people to take the news, but over time they realize you're the same person inside.

And based on what you've said, your marriage sounds beyond repair. Marriage should be about give and take, not one person calling all the shots. She's just scared because she's afraid she'll lose everything. If you were to transition then she has to start over. At least you know where your road would be leading.

Offline Lady Smith

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2015, 10:21:28 pm »
You really do need to see a gender therapist.  The situation you are in is abusive and destructive and it's very plain from reading your post that simply trying to sweat it out isn't going to work for you.  Many of us here on Susan's including myself have been in a similar situation to yourself Megan and it's a pretty darn miserable place to be.  I have two now adult children who love me very much and have always been my greatest supporters and allies so it is possible to make a transition and still be there as a parent for your son.  I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible.
Anything that brings about change in our lives can be upsetting if not downright terrifying, but the choice always has to be made whether to let change overwhelm us and drag us under, or to adapt to change in a useful and positive way that will enable us to survive as the person we are.

Offline Obfuskatie

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2015, 10:33:00 pm »
You need to have another discussion with her, but try to flip the focus a little.

- You care about her and your son and that's never going to change
- What does she want? For your marriage, that is supposed to include partnership. In life, what are her aspirations and how can you help? For your son, you're dedicated, and want to see that everyone is happy without being forced to be the martyr.
- What does she think or feel would change if you were to express your femininity? How does she perceive or what are her misperceptions about transpeople?

She is already making demands on you and expecting you to adhere to them in a wifely manner, much as I dislike the anti feminist sentiment.
Honestly expressing yourself is a major tenant of a good marriage. Would she rather be a widow than married to someone trans? Mention your fears, depression and darker thoughts.
You need support not dictates. Her love and affection shouldn't have conditions. You can't and shouldn't change who you are for her. She married you, not the idea of you, you. If she can't get over you getting professional help, then she is not the right person for you. She may lose attraction to you as a result of you transitioning, but that isn't an excuse for her to lose respect for you.
You want what's best for everyone, that includes you too. What's best for your son is happy parents, who overcome obstacles together.

I could go on and on, but my point is, listen to her. Discuss things more fully. Make your choices after you know why she is acting this way. Letting her speak her mind is crucial, although you don't have to allow her to be cruel. If she is deliberately mean or hurtful, then get away from her. She may lash out because of feelings of insecurity/inadequacy, that's something you can only figure out with time and space between you.
Good luck and it gets better.


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Offline alexbb

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2015, 12:28:22 am »
This is extremely common, for MTF people to marry I mean.
I cant imagine how hard it must be for both of you.
But being tg doesnt go away. So if your wife needs a normal man, the marriage is over, the only choice is terminate it quick or slow. the result in the end will be the same, so might as well do it as kindly and quickly as possible to maximise the time you both have to build new lives. my 2c.

Julia-Madrid

Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2015, 01:55:17 am »
Hello Megan

I'm somewhat inclined to go with the views which Alex has expressed.  Try as we might, transgender thoughts don't go away, even though they may be weaker or stronger over time.

A key issue is self-realisation.  People get it from their work, their families, children and being a good parent, performing charitable activities, and so on.  For example, I was willing to saccrifice my gender for those things, but when key items like parenthood didn't come along, I decided to pursue the self realisation at my core.

If you're at the stage where you want to chuck everying in and run, then, honestly you need to do the opposite and stop.  A therapist would be a good idea right now, and it need not be a gender therapist, although someone sympathetic to gender issues would be a help.

I am not advocating that you break with your wife, nor do I believe that this is inevitable.  But I will observe that a relationship without discussion and meaningful realisation for both people in the couple is far from ideal, although many people just bear it as being a lesser evil than the alternative.

Good luck
Julia

Offline JoanneB

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2015, 10:52:44 pm »
My wife is the first born. I am the baby. My wife is the outgoing to even aggressive" type. I am the easy going, go along to get along type. I rely on her for many of her traits. She relies on me for many of mine. Not just the big pay day I bring.

She is far from thrilled over the changes I have made. She was far far less thrilled over how I had changed over the 30+ years we've been together prior to the latest changes. It does not go away. You can try to bury it. I did for decades. Even considering it again now in my less lucid moments.

My wife and I have been able to endure many hardships in our relationship thanks to two guiding principles we have in common
1) We place the other's happiness over our own
2) As uncomfortable (and unnatural for me) as it may be, the open honest and painful conversations is what has been keeping us together.

Six years into this process I still hear "I did not marry a woman". Luckily, I guess, she figured I am not a sane person and don't get "No sane person wants to be a 50 y/o woman". But then, maybe I am sane. I don't want to. Part of it I need to. I cannot ask, nor can I expect her to stay with me "no matter what". I did kick over the table.

SHE has the option to make a choice, to stay or to leave. She can make requests. We can negotiate. The ultimate ultimatum is delivered with your feet. I know she will likely NEVER ask me to stop. In fact she has been my reality therapist during my WTF am I doing ??? meltdowns reminding me No, I cannot.  She is right, I can't. Not if I want to live. Not if I don't want to revert to that lifeless, soulless thing I used to be.

Your wife, IMHO, is very justified in her desires to keep you, that image of you, intact as a male. That is what she signed on for. The methodology is unjustified and unfair. Perhaps a manifestation of her basic "take charge" nature?

The harsh reality is she may never come around, or if she does it will be long after you two part ways. Knowing that, only you can decide "Which pain is worse?" Dealing with her, or dealing with yourself?
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Offline CarlyMcx

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Re: I don't think I can't give her what she wants
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2015, 09:15:43 pm »
I am going to give you totally different advice than everyone else here.

Don't let the marriage disintegrate.  Don't run away.  But do not let things continue as they have been, either.

Fear is the problem here, by your own admission.  Your own fears have you trapped in your marriage, and have your wife controlling you.  She has it easy while you suffer, and the only thing keeping you stuck in place is your own fear.  It looks like you are even afraid of your wife's temper, which is a very bad thing.

The only way to deal effectively with fear is knowledge.  Knowledge is power.  So here is my advice:

Instead of seeing a therapist, secretly see a divorce lawyer, and cost out, down to the penny, just what will happen if there is a divorce.  Pay a hundred bucks or two for a consultation if you have to, but do it.  Pay with cash if you don't want her seeing a check entry for a payment to a lawyer -- or be bold and tell her you've seen a divorce lawyer, but be prepared to hear her accuse you of ruining the marriage.  Just remember, you are not betraying her by doing this.  She already betrayed you by refusing to allow you relief for a legitimate medical condition.

Imagine if you got colon cancer that metastasized, you had to have chemo and radiation, and the whole thing left you sterile, with a colostomy bag on you, and unable to perform in bed.  (This really happened to a friend of mine, and his wife stayed with him).  Now imagine her denying you treatment because she does not like the way it will change your body.

Be honest with the lawyer.  Tell your lawyer why things are going bad.  It is the only way you will get good advice, and your lawyer is not allowed to tell anyone if you pay for the consultation, since that creates an attorney client relationship with attorney client privilege.

Ask for three financial scenarios:  1)  House is sold.  2)  House is rented to a tenant.  3)  House is lost to foreclosure.

Ask for a calculation of child support and spousal support.  Most states will require your wife to find full time work if there is a divorce, and to utilize her highest level of education in doing so, and some will impute an extrapolated income to her if she refuses to find full time work.

Also ask how any debt will be apportioned, as well as intangible assets like retirement plans and whole life insurance.

The only way to get the life you need at this point is to stop being afraid of your wife and her temper, and the only way to do that is to be prepared for what she might do.  Your wife likes to bully and make threats, so respond appropriately by protecting yourself.

After you see the divorce lawyer, then have the discussion with her, and then see a gender therapist.

Take care of yourself and be well.