Author Topic: Melancholy New Years  (Read 2524 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Melancholy New Years
« on: January 01, 2006, 01:48:25 pm »
Happy News Years!

Well I had a very melancholy new years.  Went to dinner with my wife, and I know that over the next year our relationship is going to change, but she doesn't know it yet.  I felt very sad and depressed.

When we got talking about resolutions I told her mine were to lose weight, be a better person, and to start therapy.  Well that started a whole new line of discussion because her question was - why.  I told her I have been dealing with issues and I was at the point I needed professional help but didn't disclose the basis is my TGness.

I also shared that I was confused, scared that our relationship may change in the future, and that I was feeling like I'm loss.

Were going to dinner tonight with friends.  After giving her alot to think about last night, I'm not going to discuss it anymore with her for now.  She did encourage me to go to therapy as soon as possible to get help - so that made me feel better.  I also started to tear up during our talk, so now I feel like I was too emotional.

Thanks for listening to my rambliing thoughts and for a safe place where I can get this off my chest for now.



Re: Melancholy New Years
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2006, 02:56:54 pm »
Hello Molly,

I know that over the next year our relationship is going to change, but she doesn't know it yet.

Not only will it change but it could also end for you both.  You must be absolutely positive that this is what you want.  Before you make any life changing decisions wait until you are into your therapy sessions as this will give you a better out look.  As you mentioned in previous posts you are a late bloomer and finding yourself alone trying to cope with such changes presents many difficulties of their own.  If you are not happy with your therapist get another.  If your therapist isn't or doesn't think he/she is qualified then ask for a referral to one who is.
You have to understand that this will affect you both equally, and  I think that one of the underlying themes here at Susan's is that when the time is right it is often best to take things slowly, be open, be honest  and to communicate.  Remember there are only two ways you are going to be able to do this and that will either be together, or apart.

As a starting point make sure that you read the posts here at Susan's.  There are many successes and some failures the important thing is to ensure that you realise some of the consequences before you risk experiencing them.

So I'll end here as I'm starting to ramble but there will be others who will undoubtedly add their advice and guidance. :)



Re: Melancholy New Years
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2006, 06:02:07 pm »
  I found that honesty was the best policy. I almost wrecked our marriage by not saying anything, I was very ashamed, so I would not talk to her. She is my best friend, so why couldn't I talk to her, because I was ashamed of myself. Yes, she could leave you, but if you don't let go with what you are feeling then this will eat you up. I'm a firm believer that if you are TS, then you will have known all your life, so no therapist is going to tell you different. You need to see the therapist for your own good and to help you through all the rough spots. Your wife can be a big supporter of yours. I must remind you though, it will be harder for her than it will be for you. You have known all your life, just afraid to confront this issue. She has no idea and you will blindside her. Her idea of marriage will go right out the door. Her self identity will hinge also. You have to be patient with her and take your time if you want it to work out. There still will be the chance that she can't handle this at all. My wife is still with me, but we are just friends. I do know of others that this isn't the case and they go on like they have been. Like I said above, be honest don't hide. When you do tell her don't hide anything back, but don't rush into surgery next year either.


Re: Melancholy New Years
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2006, 09:48:12 pm »
I also started to tear up during our talk

My sense is this. At this point she must be wondering if it is her. You must do whatever is necessary short of telling her anything your not ready to tell her that it is not her. You need to reassure her that you love her and that nothing about that will ever change. This will also lay a better foundation when you are ready to tell her exactly what it is your going to therapy for.


Offline HelenW

  • Chat Administrator, retired
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 3,317
  • Reputation: +111/-0
  • Gender: Female
    • Southern Tier Trans Network
Re: Melancholy New Years
« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2006, 07:45:38 pm »
Happy New Year to you too, Molly!

I had about the same issues for this holiday.  I am scared to death what the year will bring.  My SO is also very frightened but for, I think, different reasons.  She keeps asking me what will happen to us and what I'm planning to do and I have to keep telling her that I still don't know myself!  I just had my first therapy session last month and I'm still so unsure.  I know what I feel I need to do and I'm still full of doubt as to my ability to take the necessary risks.

So, I guess we'll both be finding new stuff out, this year.  LOL :-\

FKA: Emelye

Pronouns: she/her

My rarely updated blog:

Southwestern New York trans support:

Offline Sarah Louise

  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 6,227
  • Reputation: +82/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Coyotes are abundant here
Re: Melancholy New Years
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2006, 10:19:53 am »
Your absolutely right Cassandra, most wives start out thinking it is something they did, they "couldn't hang on to their man" that is what my wife felt.  I even told her before we married my desires, but she thought she could "change" me.

When I told her I wanted to transition and live fulltime as a woman, she felt betrayed and inadequate as a woman.  I have told her over and over again that it wasn't and isn't her, that I have felt this way as far back as I can remember.

Sarah L.
Nameless here for evermore!;  Merely this, and nothing more;
Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"