Author Topic: How to tell a guy you're trans??  (Read 12849 times)

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Offline marssu

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How to tell a guy you're trans??
« on: January 21, 2016, 10:43:53 pm »
So I went on a date with this guy and we clicked instantly. He couldn't stop saying that how beautiful I am and he really likes me. He lives in a another country where I visit pretty often. We facetime and talk everyday. But the actual problem is that he doesn't know that I am transgender and I really wanna tell him but don't know how.

Can you give me any suggestion on how to tell him without him freaking out right away? He is very sweet guy and I love how he treats me. There might be a tiny possibility that he accepts the fact but I don't know. It's hard being in this situation. I am scared of getting rejected again :(



Offline Tamika Olivia

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2016, 10:50:43 pm »
I'd say give it more time. You're just getting to know each other, and you don't need to disclose intimate details of your life right away. Get to know him better, learn his personality and his rhythms. Maybe discreetly bring up a few trans related topics to gauge his reactions, figure out if it's a pain point for him or not. About the only hard and fast rule I'd stick to when telling him is to do it in as physically and emotionally safe place as you can. Over facetime or on a public date is much preferable to telling him just before an intimate encounter.

Good luck! And remember, if he's worth dating, then he won't be a jerk about it.

Offline starting_anew

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2016, 11:35:23 pm »
I know this isn't a popular opinion, but my approach has always been to be completely transparent as early as I can, but still to do it gently. 

In my very short experience dating as a trans woman, I've noticed there are so many straight guys who are into trans women, but the majority don't like feeling 'deceived.'  As far as I'm concerned, I'm no different than a cis woman, but a lot of straight guys don't see things this way at first, and end up feeling lied to (as unfair and horrible an experience as that might be for us on the receiving end).  When they feel this way, they may pull away even if they had originally thought they could date a trans woman.

When your cards are on the table right away (but again, laid out in a gentle and genuine way) they are less likely to feel weird about it.  At least that's how it has worked with me. 

In terms of practicalities, you may try something like...

"I really want us to get to know each other better, but there's something I'd like to be fully transparent about mostly because I do really like you/care about you, and I respect you...  I was born a boy, even though I never felt like one.  In my heart and soul, I've always been a girl, and once I was able to, I made physical changes to live the way I've always felt inside.  I understand if you haven't really come across this in the past, but please know this doesn't change any part of what we've had so far.  I still like you very much, and hope you feel the same.  " 

Or some variant thereof :P.  Of course, all of this is up to you, but you asked for a specific "how to," so I thought I'd let you know how I've phrased it in the past.  It's not perfect, and it's not truly reflective of what it means to be trans, but it's a start.  You can refine your explanation of things once you start getting to know each other :)




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Offline stephaniec

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2016, 11:53:01 pm »
I'd just get it out. Why try to build on a foundation of sand.

Offline Ritana

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2016, 11:57:36 pm »
I I never tell them but again I am post op, with a passable female body (hips, butt, etc). I never dated pre-op as the thought of two bodies with two penises meeting never appealed to me, but that's just me. I have had a few boyfriends post op and they all remember me as beibg a regular girl. Had I told them, things would certainly have been different.

From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual  whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be  heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).

Best of luck
A post-op woman

Offline marssu

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2016, 01:54:28 am »
I know this isn't a popular opinion, but my approach has always been to be completely transparent as early as I can, but still to do it gently. 

In my very short experience dating as a trans woman, I've noticed there are so many straight guys who are into trans women, but the majority don't like feeling 'deceived.'  As far as I'm concerned, I'm no different than a cis woman, but a lot of straight guys don't see things this way at first, and end up feeling lied to (as unfair and horrible an experience as that might be for us on the receiving end).  When they feel this way, they may pull away even if they had originally thought they could date a trans woman.

When your cards are on the table right away (but again, laid out in a gentle and genuine way) they are less likely to feel weird about it.  At least that's how it has worked with me. 

In terms of practicalities, you may try something like...

"I really want us to get to know each other better, but there's something I'd like to be fully transparent about mostly because I do really like you/care about you, and I respect you...  I was born a boy, even though I never felt like one.  In my heart and soul, I've always been a girl, and once I was able to, I made physical changes to live the way I've always felt inside.  I understand if you haven't really come across this in the past, but please know this doesn't change any part of what we've had so far.  I still like you very much, and hope you feel the same.  " 

Or some variant thereof :P.  Of course, all of this is up to you, but you asked for a specific "how to," so I thought I'd let you know how I've phrased it in the past.  It's not perfect, and it's not truly reflective of what it means to be trans, but it's a start.  You can refine your explanation of things once you start getting to know each other :)

Thank you for answering all!

This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me  :-X

In my opinion I would like the guy to get to know me first before judging me right away because I am trans. I have learned this after several occasions where guys did know that I was trans first hand and every one of them wanted just sex from me or thought I was just playing. After that I only tell after couple of dates.

I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope  :'(



Offline Ms Grace

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2016, 04:58:45 am »
I call it "dropping the T-bomb"... and yeah, it might be a deal breaker but better to find out at the start than six months in when you're both more emotionally invested.
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Offline Laura_7

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2016, 05:01:38 am »
Especially people from other countries might have a bit harder time to understand.


I would play the biological card. A biological explanation is in my opinion much more socially acceptable.

I would explain you were born not completely a girl, but you work on it and will have an operation soon.
(The brains of transgender people have been found in studies to be those of women, there are differences in brains of men and women).

That your boobies are the real deal and that your p is defunct due to hrt and will be changed soon.

That you look like a woman, feel like a woman and are a woman.

And maybe later that you can understand men better than other people do .. so you can be more of what they are likely to want from a partner  :)

Something along those lines.

Wish you luck.


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SamKelley

Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2016, 05:38:03 am »
I suspect what works for one might not work for another.

Just do what you feel and if it doesn't work - learn and adapt... And be gentle on yourself if one approach doesn't work for you :) It's the guy who's missing out ;)

xox
Sami

Offline April_TO

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2016, 07:28:08 am »
I feel for you. I say get to know him better. However, like everyone has said don't spend too much time only to be broken hearted in the end. It is a bitter pill to swallow but such is our life as women (and I am including cis females too). Give yourself a deadline and slowly introduce trans topics to him and gauge from there.

You are a beautiful woman. Stay strong xo

Thank you for answering all!

This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me  :-X

In my opinion I would like the guy to get to know me first before judging me right away because I am trans. I have learned this after several occasions where guys did know that I was trans first hand and every one of them wanted just sex from me or thought I was just playing. After that I only tell after couple of dates.

I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope  :'(
Nothing ventured nothing gained

Offline starting_anew

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2016, 09:28:39 am »

This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me  :-X

I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope  :'(

Yes, use words that feel right for you! :) that is also a great way of putting it.

I hope you don't lose hope <3 I will be thinking of you and hoping this works out <3

Also, I second that you are a beautiful woman :)




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Partial FFS: February 2019

Offline starting_anew

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2016, 09:39:40 am »

From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual  whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be  heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).


Hmm had to respond to this.  I've always been exclusively attracted to men, although on hormones, this has been changing.  Anyway, pre-hormones, I was always very much crazy attracted to trans men, and that didn't make me 'bisexual' in any way, shape or form.  And I should add that I would always take on a really feminine role with trans men too, so I didn't treat them any different.  I understand you may have had your experiences with straight men, but the idea that 'no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual' is not really true.  My bf calls himself straight, and my relationship with him is 100% public and a male-female relationship - he is trans-attracted without being fetishy, and although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.

Also, if a person labels themselves a particular way (be it male, female, gay, straight, etc), it's not really anyone's place to question the label other than that person.  Telling trans-attracted people they aren't "really" what they say they are kind of diminishes their experience and isn't very helpful.




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Offline Devlyn

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2016, 09:50:59 am »

From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual  whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be  heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).


Hmm had to respond to this.  I've always been exclusively attracted to men, although on hormones, this has been changing.  Anyway, pre-hormones, I was always very much crazy attracted to trans men, and that didn't make me 'bisexual' in any way, shape or form.  And I should add that I would always take on a really feminine role with trans men too, so I didn't treat them any different.  I understand you may have had your experiences with straight men, but the idea that 'no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual' is not really true.  My bf calls himself straight, and my relationship with him is 100% public and a male-female relationship - he is trans-attracted without being fetishy, and although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.

Also, if a person labels themselves a particular way (be it male, female, gay, straight, etc), it's not really anyone's place to question the label other than that person.  Telling trans-attracted people they aren't "really" what they say they are kind of diminishes their experience and isn't very helpful.


Spot on. Some people seem to think they're the decider.  ;)

Hugs, Devlyn

Offline herekitten

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2016, 10:28:45 am »
Hi there. I know the feelings you are experiencing. I've been there a few times and its never anything to get excited about. My only suggestion to you is when you are ready to tell him and you feel that he is special enough (and it sounds like he is) is to word your disclosure in such a way that you do not associate the words 'boy' 'man' 'male' or anything along those lines. All of us have such different personalities and viewpoints, so just follow your gut instinct based on the situation.  I've always done it in a public setting cause you just never know.  I've never experienced any negativity from it. I wish you all the best in pursuing your heart's interest.
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Offline Wednesday

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #14 on: January 22, 2016, 06:21:36 pm »
I call it "dropping the T-bomb"...

From the Enola Trans ;D

Now seriously speaking, I think it's good idea to impress him in a positive way (without serious investment obviously) as much as possible before dropping the bomb. If you wanna follow this strategy (not telling at the beginning) the only smart way to do it is trying to get him attached as much as posible without attaching yourself to him, play the game keeping your head very cool. So before dropping the bomb make sure you played all your cards wisely.

As the other girls said testing the waters bringing transgender topics and giving a rational approach (explaining it from a biological point of view, using words like intersexed instead of transgender or "born a boy") may work better. Also, while approaching this way, you can do it a little drama queen. Try to make him empathize (if possible, tears included) with your struggle about telling and about being rejected because of that. Show him you were super worried about making him feel deceived. It may not work but I think it is worth trying, if you can touch his heart a bit, odds may increase.
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Offline pretty pauline

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans
« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2016, 06:37:02 pm »
I'd say give it more time. You're just getting to know each other, and you don't need to disclose intimate details of your life right away. Get to know him better, learn his personality and his rhythms. Maybe discreetly bring up a few trans related topics to gauge his reactions, figure out if it's a pain point for him or not. About the only hard and fast rule I'd stick to when telling him is to do it in as physically and emotionally safe place as you can. Over facetime or on a public date is much preferable to telling him just before an intimate encounter.

Good luck! And remember, if he's worth dating, then he won't be a jerk about it.
That's probably the best advice, if I told my boyfriend the first night I dated him that I was trans he probably would have dumped him and ran a mile, we got to know each other over time and really clicked, never tell on the first few dates particular if post op and you completely pass, I eventually told him when he propose marriage, you will know when the time is right to tell, he was surprised, we worked it out and was thankful that I told him, he has ever only known me as a woman and never knew me as a guy. I was relieved and a weight taken off my shoulders, we never discuss it now, we're now just a normal husband and wife, I was lucky that he completely and fully accepts me as a woman. He is a completely straight guy, had other girl friends before me, he treats me the same as he treats any woman.
although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.


My husband is the same, there are real straight men who do accept women like us and just get on with our lives, these days he is probably more concerned about my housewife skills cooking etc  than my distance trans history.
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Offline Angélique LaCava

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #16 on: January 22, 2016, 08:56:30 pm »
When I first meet guys I don't tell them but then when they are coming to get me for a first date I tell them and somehow they r fine wit it which is a surprise considering how closed minded my area is.

Offline marssu

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #17 on: January 23, 2016, 02:19:53 pm »
Thank you all for the suggestions and sweet comments, very helping! <3 :)

I love  this page!



Offline Ritana

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2016, 02:33:52 pm »
I am sorry if I offended anyone when I said no straight man will accept dating a transexual. As I said, I refused to date pre-op. It just didn't feel right for me, and I knew that no straight man will accept being intimate with another partner with a penis. Guys who are into transexuals would probably love it, but they were never the type of guys I went for. And since I had my SRS a few years ago, I never tell any prospective boyfriend about my past. It is just easier  this way and works best for me.  That is my view, and it is not meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form.

Hugs,

Rita
A post-op woman

Offline Laura_7

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Re: How to tell a guy you're trans??
« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2016, 07:41:16 pm »
I am sorry if I offended anyone when I said no straight man will accept dating a transexual. As I said, I refused to date pre-op. It just didn't feel right for me, and I knew that no straight man will accept being intimate with another partner with a penis. Guys who are into transexuals would probably love it, but they were never the type of guys I went for. And since I had my SRS a few years ago, I never tell any prospective boyfriend about my past. It is just easier  this way and works best for me.  That is my view, and it is not meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form.

Hugs,

Rita

Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.

Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.

Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.

Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.

Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.


hugs