Author Topic: ID/friends/problems  (Read 499 times)

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Midnightstar

ID/friends/problems
« on: May 24, 2016, 06:58:44 am »
Iv'e been happy today and the other night however it wasn't until the end of tonight that i realized my friend who i told i was transgender to either completely forgot or shrugged everything off like it wasn't a problem. He is super accepting when it comes to the LGBT and living your own life but when i told him i was trans and i used HE/him pronouns it was fine. Then i figured out last night that he wasn't even acknowledging them and still considered me "She" this entire thing is starting to pull on me. I know i got to keep correcting people but i feel like going backwards and just adjusting to living a fake life iv'e wondered for a couple days now if that's possible sense i ignored it before.
Then again i don't want to because i want to feel happy and stuff....sometimes i find myself thinking maybe i could live a fake life but still get away with everything its just little things that don't make sense. but in the end i know i can't do that, its just the struggle to live this life isn't fair i hate having to have it be known to the entire world.
And then someday's i don't mind it depending on who knows.  Then i also started thinking of something completely different. And that's changing my gender on ID which for where i live is easy.
And then i thought i actually want it to not have a gender and i don't think that's possible as much as i see myself as male my pronouns are well as long as someone doesn't consider me "She" it's whatever. I don't know if i feel comfortable putting male pronouns on my ID is why because i switch to agender sometimes and that concerns me.
i know i'm thinking to far ahead in my life but sometimes i just do that and i'd rather vent about it then hold it in.
but yea the ID thing is a problem and i don't know what to do.

Offline Elis

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Re: ID/friends/problems
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2016, 07:16:25 am »
I think with even LGBTQ accepting friends it'll take time; because they've known you so long as 'female' and because cis people just don't realise how painful it is to be misgendered. Maybe have a talk with him explaining how this makes you feel. A good friend wouldn't want to hurt you; even if they don't quite understand why it does. Although they may still slip up from time to time.

As for I'D and my social title this really bugs me  >:(. I don't want to be seen as trans so decided to go for the male social title instead of the gender neutral one available in the UK. Although I think it would make me a loy more comfortable. I became really excited realising I was slightly agender and thinking to myself 'yes I want to change my social title to this; it feels so much better'. But then thought to myself of all the complications that would bring :(. I admire a people a lot who are openly nb. Anyway; to get back to your I'D problem maybe consider pros and cons of what you want your I'D to say. You'll have to live with having it for quite a few years.

I have yet to get round to changing my ID. Here in the UK driving licences have a series of numbers which correlate to your gender; instead of having F or M; like we do on passports. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get away with changing my ID to male; but I wish the UK accepted nb as a legal gender. At least my ID will have my proper name and pic on it which I'm looking forward too. And MR is a huge improvement from having Miss.
They/them pronouns preferred.




Midnightstar

Re: ID/friends/problems
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2016, 07:24:53 am »
I think with even LGBTQ accepting friends it'll take time; because they've known you so long as 'female' and because cis people just don't realise how painful it is to be misgendered. Maybe have a talk with him explaining how this makes you feel. A good friend wouldn't want to hurt you; even if they don't quite understand why it does. Although they may still slip up from time to time.

As for I'D and my social title this really bugs me  >:(. I don't want to be seen as trans so decided to go for the male social title instead of the gender neutral one available in the UK. Although I think it would make me a loy more comfortable. I became really excited realising I was slightly agender and thinking to myself 'yes I want to change my social title to this; it feels so much better'. But then thought to myself of all the complications that would bring :(. I admire a people a lot who are openly nb. Anyway; to get back to your I'D problem maybe consider pros and cons of what you want your I'D to say. You'll have to live with having it for quite a few years.

I have yet to get round to changing my ID. Here in the UK driving licences have a series of numbers which correlate to your gender; instead of having F or M; like we do on passports. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get away with changing my ID to male; but I wish the UK accepted nb as a legal gender. At least my ID will have my proper name and pic on it which I'm looking forward too. And MR is a huge improvement from having Miss.

yea, problem i'm in the US but i don't think there is a gender neutral option for IDS id on't know.
it worrys me. I'll be on T first but after T if feelings stay the same i'm already like 90% sure i'll want gender neutral id but idk if its possible.

Emileeeee

Re: ID/friends/problems
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2016, 08:31:21 am »
Yeah they don't realize how damaging that is and if you've ever tried to change how you refer to someone, you know how difficult it is. It took my youngest daughter 2 months to get the name straight and she lives with us. It took another month to get her pronouns switched over. It took another month or so before she stopped treating me like a guy. The older ones won't even refer to me by name or pronouns, but at least they don't duck out of family activities when they have to be seen in public with me, so I'll take it.

The youngest also wants us to de-babify her name. I don't even have to remember pronoun changes and I'm having a heck of a time remembering to do that. She's not as adamant about it as I was though, so I only get a reminder once a week or so. I'm trying, but it's difficult.

Friends have been the most difficult for me. They really don't seem to get how scary it is out there to be pegged as trans. I went out to dinner with my best friend and the waiter was clearly not sure of my gender while presenting female (because I was full time). My best friend for over 35 years noticed that I didn't have the drink I ordered yet, so he called the waiter over to let them know starting with a quiet "he" didn't get his drink. Confused look by the waiter. HE didn't get his drink. Confused look still. HE while pointing at me didn't get his drink. I was like I guess I can take this attention, but peeing is out of the question now.

I had another friend in a restaurant repeatedly call me dude and with his loud commanding voice, kept reminding me how hard it was for him to start referring to me as she after all these years. Both of these happened in a steak house within a week of each other. I need to stay away from steak!

Yet another friend, just a couple weeks ago, finally talked me into meeting up at a bar during happy hour. I was already pretty nervous when she decides to refer to me as my old name to the waitress, then apologizes telling me how hard it is for her to see me as a girl now. The number of looks I got after that was astounding. I'm whispering to her to quiet down and she's saying she'll take anybody on that tries anything. A room full of drunk guys in the middle of the country does not sound like a situation that she could take on herself.

Nothing ever came of any of them, as scared as I was, but I felt like I couldn't actually use a bathroom after each of them. The bar was 1.5 hours from my destination and I needed to pee, but she identified me as trans to half the bar. That was a fun ride home!


Tags: pronouns Friends