Author Topic: Thinking out loud  (Read 28644 times)

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Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #420 on: August 10, 2018, 11:17:07 pm »
Your life sounds amazing  it's funny but I find the more I'm myself the easier life seems to be.....

Isn't this the truth?   I think its because we finally are able to shed the veneer and let our true selves out.  I'm happy for you.  I have certainly noticed a change in you recently!   Happier, even bouncy!  Yeah!
Judi

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #421 on: August 10, 2018, 11:19:33 pm »
Well apparently  the truth will set one free.....
You walked the path and made it, how lovely  I hope I can find a wom  who will accept  me as I am
Your tightrope  simile is beautiful  and yes I will be careful walking  it 😊

It's interesting  but I have child hood memories  coming back
Everything
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Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #422 on: August 10, 2018, 11:23:49 pm »
Isn't this the truth?   I think its because we finally are able to shed the veneer and let our true selves out.  I'm happy for you.  I have certainly noticed a change in you recently!   Happier, even bouncy!  Yeah!
Judi
That's a good observation  Judi  I can draw a connection  to the personality  of the young child that was that way
Before that persona being crushed  ....its nice to experience the core personality once again  rather than the construct  I was for most of my life
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Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #423 on: August 10, 2018, 11:26:42 pm »
Yes it does!  Truth is wonderful.

 You will find your soul companion, I am certain.


Offline Satinjoy

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #424 on: August 11, 2018, 09:14:08 am »
Well apparently  the truth will set one free.....
You walked the path and made it, how lovely  I hope I can find a wom  who will accept  me as I am
Your tightrope  simile is beautiful  and yes I will be careful walking  it 😊

It's interesting  but I have child hood memories  coming back

As we lose our fear and begin to stop suppressing much of the memories of childhood, for me I was mercilessly bullyed and how I survived I do not understand, but as we lose those fears, memories come back.  When we become willing to remember we can process the hurt but we can also process the good memories as well, sometimes we throw the baby out with the bathwater.

So we rewind our lives to the beginning, asking "what if I had not been socially programmed", and in that moment of what if, our core gender becomes more clear, and we begin to understand better who we are at core, the child within.

In the forest thread, in the beginning, my own journey is clear on this, the freeing of the she inside, who became once accepted and healed,  the whole of me which is sh'e.  (They if  you like but I like sh'e, it is more accurate physically and in my sexual gender, though They is very accurate socially as well).

She was feral, wild thing, hunted thing, wounded thing.  Chained and locked under the stairs, cruelty upon cruelty.

In the healing of she came the healing of my gender, and the understanding of the totality of who I am.

So let the child hood memories flood you, there is so much there for you to find.

You are learning to be a diamond heart warrior of trans, you will be a force for us, but first, you become the child again, and rebuild from the foundations up, living out your truth.

I don't know you very well, but this is my instinct for you.  I am assuming our genders are fairly parallel.

Ohhh trans puberty was a bitch for me lol.

:)
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.

Offline LizK

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #425 on: August 11, 2018, 04:28:16 pm »
Hi Satinjoy

I have really enjoyed reading your observations on life. I think you have a truly wonderful perspective. I can't agree with you more about childhood memories. Apart from placing far too much importance  on them as an indicator of being trans. I think many of us including me have suppressed all the memories that includes anything "nice or affirming" discovered about being the opposite gender during our search for answers.


I have stopped actively trying to remember my childhood because of the various trauma's I was exposed to. I remember a large part but there are also massive amounts missing. When I was about 11 I got into severe trouble with the police and had to tell my parents the police were coming to our house to arrest me, an 11 year old. As that evening progressed I have a crystal clear recollection of sitting on a chair opposite my mother so incredibly distraught because my mother was so distraught...I can still see that awful look on her face and hear the continual question..."Why" being constantly asked of me for what seemed like an eternity...all the time on the tip of my tongue That was a close as I ever came to telling her and in fact I don't actually remember how it ended. I didn't tell them in the end because part of me knew that should I say anything my life would be over and I would be disowned by a large proportion of my family...which actually happened 40 years later when I did eventually tell them I was trans.


The more I learn and remember about my childhood the more it cements my knowledge that I am and always have been trans...when I think back about the way I viewed the world growing up it astounds me I kept it a secret for another 2 years...my father said to me once in a semi-accusatory tone... "You never told us"..no I said but there were several people I did tell including my senior lecturer at Psych Nurse school and a couple of girlfriends along the way each time putting paid to the boy girl relationship.


I guess what I am saying is these memories need to be kept in context and it is so easy to go back over old memories and re-interpret your life in the context of your transition when at the end of the day, child hood memories whilst nice to have, make very little difference about whether or not you are trans. It took me a long time to stop relying on what I knew then about myself(which was limited) and concentrate more on how I feel about myself now.


Enough Of my rambling thoughts


Liz
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

Offline Satinjoy

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #426 on: August 11, 2018, 06:26:10 pm »
I have been told living in the moment is key.

Personally I need to know how resentments, past and present, poison the now.

I want to be free of those.  Anger is a thing with me.

Living in the joy of being unchained is glorious, even cloaked for protection, self deciept over, its a choice now not a fear driven requirement.  And battles can be picked.  My mother passed without me disclosing i am trans, one sister doesnt know and its not her business, the rest do.

I choose who i entrust this part of my life to reveal.

But yeah.

I knew from my earliest memories that I was different.

Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #427 on: August 14, 2018, 11:18:13 pm »
Thank you Satinjoy for as ascribing  those attributes  ,  I hope i can live up to them and would like to,
I too was bullied  and harassed  so I built myself into an unassailable male that gave me some of peace of mind
but deep inside was the female who coveted  a simple summer dress, I find I'm  not so angry  anymore  finding myself has been such a relief .....still sleeping dogs lie....
I feel the same way about revealing myself.... for me its like does everyone really need to know? even if you are binary trans.... it's a personal choice i guess
There was brief moment when I  finally  realised  that I'd  had my chance due to my apparent changes where I could have just disappeared and started afresh.... I think I am repeating  myself..... 😑
I hope my gender runs in the same lines as yours  you are a fabulous  person😉
I think I have caught up I hope
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Offline Satinjoy

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #428 on: August 16, 2018, 06:42:56 pm »
Its a cool way to live....
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.

Offline LizK

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #429 on: August 16, 2018, 07:18:07 pm »


There was brief moment when I  finally  realised  that I'd  had my chance due to my apparent changes where I could have just disappeared and started afresh.... I think I am repeating  myself.....
I hope my gender runs in the same lines as yours  you are a fabulous  person
I think I have caught up I hope

ahhhhh hindsight...As appealing as it sounds I am sure it would have come with its own special set of problems. I think Satinjoy is absolutely spot on and has some really great insights. I have enjoyed reading posts you have both made.

Take care

Liz


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HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #430 on: August 18, 2018, 08:55:29 pm »
Finally well enough to try body pump again today.....I wonder if old crowd will be there ...omg
the days after.last session I could barely walk.... I'm having to start from the bottom again.....from being the strongest to the weakest 😳
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Offline JudiBlueEyes

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #431 on: August 18, 2018, 10:00:15 pm »
Well that's life!   When one door opens (transition), another closes.  But this one can be reopened with just the right amount of energy and perseverance by you.  Staying fit and healthy is always a good thing.  You got this!

Judi

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #432 on: August 19, 2018, 07:35:26 am »
Yes true Judi... I love a challenge 😉
It was much easier  today, was not the old  crowd  a couple of regulars .....no recognition
As I was leaving this lady who's been there like forever comes up to me and asks about my headwear ....I've  gone from the black  bandanna  to  a more colorful  Feminine type.... anyway she wanted to know where I got it and complimented me on it.... I doubt  i will get recognized  anytime  soon....   from muscle monster in spare clothing  to  talk thin person in a tracksuit  .....i don't  mind I'll  just go with the flow 😉
Everything
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Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #433 on: August 19, 2018, 07:38:27 am »
Liz I love your new avatar.....you look fantastic  .....and so tasteful too 👏👏👏😘
Everything
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Offline LizK

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #434 on: August 20, 2018, 12:34:53 am »
Liz I love your new avatar.....you look fantastic  .....and so tasteful too 👏👏👏😘
Awwwhh thanks very much...I liked it a lot...I appreciate your compliment. As someone who struggles continously with the whole body image issue its so nice when someone else can see her as well.

Liz
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #435 on: August 20, 2018, 01:43:15 am »
You look just fine.... Very femmine.... I know how you feel... me too but where there's the will there's a way😊
Everything
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Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #436 on: August 20, 2018, 06:10:25 am »
Mmm i needed a return  to work Med cert  didn't have any luck  with  the initial  Med Centre so I tried  my original  docs centre  got an appointment  but it was pot luck I was really  hoping  I'd  see my old doc and as chance would have it  I did he recognized me by my file.... I was quite a pain in the ass previously  anyway he did a double  take,  and said "what's been happening? " so I just said straight  out... I've been changing  gender  I explained  that I went. to another doc because of the fear factor etc,  he was. pretty cool and complimented  me on going to a specialist all in all he was pretty  cool after all he hadn't  seen me for at least a year and half.... He said Hrt had softened  my face and my eyes were amazing... Lol admittedly  I had put on my basic makeup I don't think he realised  my eyes were tattooed , btw anyway he said was  very happy  for me and mentioned  how a young  child transman had endless problems  until they referred  to him as him and it was total turnaround 😊 he is an Indian origin  doc.... Indian people  have a cool religion  they are quite broad minded
It's so strange  as the very first time I met him to hassle  him for test he mistook me for another  patient  and started talking about goverment  protocols  for having  a sex change😀
So cert in hand I head for my favourite  butchers when I went in he gave me an odd look wasn't quite  the guy I was used to.....i wondered  if perhaps my scant makeup and new female. beanie/bandana put him off
or  perhaps  maybe my stereo was cranked up too loud... I do like loud  ...enough  so I have to put a window down  to stop  my eardrums  bleeding.... when I got the stereo installed I specified that due to industry  deafness I had no use for speakers with higher tones.... So bass is what I got... the type you feel in your bones... 😆

Everything
  Louder
   Than
Everything
    Else

Offline LizK

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #437 on: August 20, 2018, 07:23:25 am »
Nice outcome with the Doc...I guess you must be getting used to shocking people and clearly you are feminising at least some portion of your appearance, that may also be part of the reaction, but who knows.

I do like loud  ...enough  so I have to put a window down  to stop  my eardrums  bleeding....

Everything
  Louder
   Than
Everything
    Else

Now this makes sense to me!!! LOL  :icon_rockon: :icon_rockon: :icon_rockon:
HRT since 17 May 2016, Fulltime from 8 March 2017, Transition Begun 25 September 2015 

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be – Lao Tzu

Offline Satinjoy

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #438 on: August 20, 2018, 08:36:24 pm »

So cert in hand I head for my favourite  butchers when I went in he gave me an odd look

Ummmm

I know someone in Thailand that could probably do a little better than the favorite butcher darling.....

;)
Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the red pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the little blue pills - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Sh'e took the little blue ones.

Offline Drexy/Drex

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Re: Thinking out loud
« Reply #439 on: August 21, 2018, 12:09:44 am »
Thailand's not far from me 😊
Everything
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