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Offline chocolate97

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When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« on: October 01, 2016, 05:15:58 pm »
Hello everyone,
I am a post-op transgirl and now dating boys. For the last couple of months I have been dating someone and he seems to be a really nice and caring guy. I can definitely see us getting seriously together, however he doesn't know that I was born in the body of a boy. (I pass well and do not tell my female friends about it either, especially the ones from college). At the moment I am really struggling as to when and how to tell him. I care for him and would like him to know because I feel it is important to know (as I am unable to give birth) but also because I would like him to fully know me instead of having to hide something (transition) that is part of who I am today.

Currently we are planning our next dates and everything is going really well. I think I am even falling in love. At our last date we made out on the sofa and things did get sexual (no intercourse though). I'd rather have told him before getting sexual, but this is now too late - after kissing it was a little hard to stop and making out just happened...

I am thinking of telling him sooner rather than later, but my question is how do I tell this and when is a good time for it? Should I wait before we are going steady and first get to know each other better and refraining from anything sexual in the  meantime? Or should I just tell him the next time we see each other? I'd also rather tell him in public, in case he gets angry. I have no idea how we would react but I am sure he is not going to expect this, so I might really dissappoint him. And that scares me a lot because maybe he no longer wants to see me afterwards... but.... I really like him!

Maybe some of you have been in the same situation? What would be a good way to disclose this?

Offline Aria94

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2016, 07:51:28 pm »
Hello everyone,
I am a post-op transgirl and now dating boys. For the last couple of months I have been dating someone and he seems to be a really nice and caring guy. I can definitely see us getting seriously together, however he doesn't know that I was born in the body of a boy. (I pass well and do not tell my female friends about it either, especially the ones from college). At the moment I am really struggling as to when and how to tell him. I care for him and would like him to know because I feel it is important to know (as I am unable to give birth) but also because I would like him to fully know me instead of having to hide something (transition) that is part of who I am today.

Currently we are planning our next dates and everything is going really well. I think I am even falling in love. At our last date we made out on the sofa and things did get sexual (no intercourse though). I'd rather have told him before getting sexual, but this is now too late - after kissing it was a little hard to stop and making out just happened...

I am thinking of telling him sooner rather than later, but my question is how do I tell this and when is a good time for it? Should I wait before we are going steady and first get to know each other better and refraining from anything sexual in the  meantime? Or should I just tell him the next time we see each other? I'd also rather tell him in public, in case he gets angry. I have no idea how we would react but I am sure he is not going to expect this, so I might really dissappoint him. And that scares me a lot because maybe he no longer wants to see me afterwards... but.... I really like him!

Maybe some of you have been in the same situation? What would be a good way to disclose this?

I'm preop and plan on having srs next month. In the past 5 years, I pretty much dated stealth and didn't disclose I was trans 98% of the time. I just liked dating, but I also hated rejection so I just dated really attractive guys that I got along with for about a month and then broke up with them. And kept repeating that cycle. A few guys I told were trans, were surprisingly okay with it and continued to date me. The only problem was my own personal rejection that I had for myself and my body, where I didn't want to be intimate with them even though they were okay with being intimate with me.

And another thing, I know what you feel like, being a passable girl, but most times, guys know. They know were trans. It definitely probably popped into his head, just never said anything because he likes you. I feel that since you are post op and comfortable in your body and you love yourself and it's annoying you that he doesn't know your past, then just be honest and tell him. The worst he can do is not talk to you, and then you'll meet another guy with your beautiful self. But if he is okay with it, you can be intimate and connect with him in a way that's comfortable for the both of you and in a way that HE is familiar with, which ultimately is less of a turn off so to speak.

I hope I helped. Keep me posted? ❤️

Offline chocolate97

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2016, 04:27:25 pm »
I'm preop and plan on having srs next month. In the past 5 years, I pretty much dated stealth and didn't disclose I was trans 98% of the time. I just liked dating, but I also hated rejection so I just dated really attractive guys that I got along with for about a month and then broke up with them. And kept repeating that cycle. A few guys I told were trans, were surprisingly okay with it and continued to date me. The only problem was my own personal rejection that I had for myself and my body, where I didn't want to be intimate with them even though they were okay with being intimate with me.

And another thing, I know what you feel like, being a passable girl, but most times, guys know. They know were trans. It definitely probably popped into his head, just never said anything because he likes you. I feel that since you are post op and comfortable in your body and you love yourself and it's annoying you that he doesn't know your past, then just be honest and tell him. The worst he can do is not talk to you, and then you'll meet another guy with your beautiful self. But if he is okay with it, you can be intimate and connect with him in a way that's comfortable for the both of you and in a way that HE is familiar with, which ultimately is less of a turn off so to speak.

I hope I helped. Keep me posted? ❤️

Hi Aria (pretty little liars Aria? ;) )
This is so helpful, thanks a lot for posting and taking the time to read.
But wow you have SRS coming up really soon, you must be really excited?

From what you are saying most guys were okay with you being trans. I wonder, how did you tell them? Was it in a casual way or was there any announcement? Did you tell in public or just at home? Well, it gives me hope that there are accepting guys.

My biggest fear is that he will indeed stop talking to me and will not be interested in me anymore... and as i am falling in love this is sooo hard, and that is why it is such a dilemma for me right now. At least for the next couple of times we will see each other I will try to refrain from getting too physical and when the moment is right tell him.

I am thinking of explaining the dilemma a little too, that I want to be honest because I care but that it is also difficult for me to tell..or would you advice against this way of telling?

Also I am wondering how the boys would know that we are transgender? How can they know? Especially being passable and postop? Or do you mean like unconsciously knowing..but then again, how? This puzzles me a little.

Anyway, thanks again for posting and I will defintely keep you posted ❤

Virginia Hall

Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2016, 05:09:48 pm »

. . .  And another thing, I know what you feel like, being a passable girl, but most times, guys know. They know were trans . . .

If they know, why tell? If they don't, why tell?

CrysC

Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2016, 07:33:50 pm »
If you really like the guy then the last thing you want is for him to find out from anybody other than you.  The longer you are together, the more possible that becomes.  Also you don't want to have a relationship with such a big thing unsaid.  How long you wait is up to you but I can only imagine that it would be potentially worse the longer you wait.

I can't tell you how to do this but imagine that I would hope for the best and plan for the worst.  To me that means telling him in person but somewhere public that you can talk by yourselves.  Best of luck.  My heart goes out to you Chocolate.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2016, 09:12:45 pm by CrysC »

Offline Aria94

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2016, 07:56:13 pm »
Hi Aria (pretty little liars Aria? ;) )
This is so helpful, thanks a lot for posting and taking the time to read.
But wow you have SRS coming up really soon, you must be really excited?

From what you are saying most guys were okay with you being trans. I wonder, how did you tell them? Was it in a casual way or was there any announcement? Did you tell in public or just at home? Well, it gives me hope that there are accepting guys.

My biggest fear is that he will indeed stop talking to me and will not be interested in me anymore... and as i am falling in love this is sooo hard, and that is why it is such a dilemma for me right now. At least for the next couple of times we will see each other I will try to refrain from getting too physical and when the moment is right tell him.

I am thinking of explaining the dilemma a little too, that I want to be honest because I care but that it is also difficult for me to tell..or would you advice against this way of telling?

Also I am wondering how the boys would know that we are transgender? How can they know? Especially being passable and postop? Or do you mean like unconsciously knowing..but then again, how? This puzzles me a little.

Anyway, thanks again for posting and I will defintely keep you posted ❤

Hey love. You're welcome. Most guys I told were okay with it. However, one time, I was dating this guy and he was falling for me FAST. We had Ana amazing Valentine's Day and we took pics together and he showed me off. Someone I went to high school with outed me to him and he was upset. He also said that he probably would have been fine with me being trans if I had told him and not someone else.

All the other times, I was always pretty much "The perfect girl" I was sweet, would get little gifts for guys, make them dinner, and be a tease, mostly just make out with them and make them take me out on dates and talk to them on the phone as much as possible. I always come out to them via text and I just did it casually, usually at night. And just say "hey, I've been trans since I was a little kid, and this is me," basically. I didn't get hurt if I got rejected because well... F*** them, basically lol. On to the next loser. I wasn't really having ambitions in dating back then.

I think they were cool with it because I was a) just like any other girl they've been with, b) I was unapologetic in the way I came out and also kind of said it in a way that would make him empathetic towards me

I sometimes got a little too physical. At the end of the day, they can not get mad at you. It's not like you're"tricking" them. In all of my dating cases, the guys approached me, and asked ME out. So obviously they like what they see and they went after it.

My advice for you is if you're going to tell him, tell him in a way that paints you more so as the "victim " or in a way that would make him more empathetic towards you. It also doesn't hurt to remind him that he talked to you. Like "ever since the day you came up to me and  asked me out and we've gotten closer, I want you to know more about me,"

And guys and girls just know. There's always small little signs, every girl isn't 100% passable, that's just the truth and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Even an extremely beautiful trans girl that could have the possibility of getting clocked is still probably a tad bit beautiful than a dis female. Some masculine traits are beautiful and there's nothing wrong with that.

Offline chocolate97

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2016, 04:52:29 pm »
@CrysC

Thanks for the advice and empathy. I am also thinking of telling him in public. We haven't been introduced to each others friends and family so chances for him to find out are not likely but nonetheless, like you said, I want to tell him in public and rather sooner than later. And also before going steady. I think i am kind of waiting for the right moment and also want to make sure he is really liking me so hopefully he won't just walk away because he likes me already :)

@Aria94

I really like your attitude. The unapologethic way while being a little bit of a victim too sounds like a comfortable way of telling. Probably will try that approach too :)

You mention about 'tricking', this was exactly how I felt when having sex while he didn't know. What you are saying is very reassuring and makes me feel a whole less guilty, especially because he was always the one initiating kissing and making out and I liked it for that.

Kinda wished I wasn't trans, because I care about him and he deserves a really nice girl. Hopefully that girl can be me...time will tell.

And you also say that girls and guys just know. Maybe I just don't have enough experience to say the same... i get a feeling that my female friends don't know because they ask about my periods and stuff in a very casuap way, just as they do 'period talk' with the other girls. As for guys I don't know, I obviously don't have a lot of dating experience, but sort of assumed that he doesn't know, because if he does, well then why would he initiate kissing and stuff?

Thanks again for your ideas❤😘

Virginia Hall

Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2016, 05:42:57 pm »

. . . every girl isn't 100% passable . . .

Do you include natal women as well? Maybe you are right about your statements. However, in my experience most absolute statements have a way of being found to not be absolutely right. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - Hamlet Act 1 .Sc. 5. 167-8.

The unclockables do exist. Trouble is, you never know when you're looking at one.

Offline Aria94

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2016, 06:05:03 pm »


Kinda wished I wasn't trans, because I care about him and he deserves a really nice girl. Hopefully that girl can be me...time will tell.


And you in return deserves love and happiness as well. Just because you're trans doesn't make you any less desirable or less worth of love and being loved. You're sweet and please don't place his own feelings and happiness before yours because you're worthy just as much; if not more than, as him

Offline noleen111

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2016, 10:31:43 am »
Its a difficult one, I remember when I told my fiance that I was born a boy, it was super nervous.  For me, I had a added presure, because we had actually slept together already. He never even questioned my vagina, the only comment he made.. he loved how tight I was.

But I created that problem, because he was a one night stand that went wrong. We met at a wedding and clicked immediately.. some how it came up that we had both never had a one night stand (technically we still have not).. so we decided why not lets have sex.. because we lived far from each other.

Months later he moved to my town, and we were fixed up by the bride of the wedding we attended. We soon started dating, and I told him when we officially were a couple. I just sat him down and told him, we ended up having a long chat.. almost all night.. he told me at the end of the night... he saw me as a woman and I had all the right lady parts and he was falling in love with me..

So sometimes the band aid approach works.. just rip it off..
Enjoying ride the hormones are giving me... finally becoming the woman I always knew I was

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2016, 01:10:27 pm »
Noleen, of course you've had a one night stand if that was the intent at the time, it seems to have been a one night stand gone horribly wrong:-).

OP, If you don't know him well enough to know if he'll be ok then yes, someplace relatively public sounds smartest. If you feel this relationship has legs then letting him know sooner would make sense to me, however as nonbinary or at least non-passing I don't expect to experience this quandary.

🌈👭 lesbian, troublemaker ;-) 🌈🏳️‍🌈

CrysC

Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2016, 10:13:06 pm »
Not to derail the thread but, this does beg the question that if it's a one night stand, should I tell the guy?  I'm pretty inclined to say no but I'd have to really know it's the one time thing like I'm single and on travel or something like that. 

I suppose I always figured I should tell a guy before the wild thing but....  maybe not.  I suppose the circumstances drive everything.

Offline Jacqueline

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2016, 11:14:55 pm »
Hello everyone,
I am a post-op transgirl and now dating boys. For the last couple of months I have been dating someone and he seems to be a really nice and caring guy. I can definitely see us getting seriously together, however he doesn't know that I was born in the body of a boy. (I pass well and do not tell my female friends about it either, especially the ones from college). At the moment I am really struggling as to when and how to tell him. I care for him and would like him to know because I feel it is important to know (as I am unable to give birth) but also because I would like him to fully know me instead of having to hide something (transition) that is part of who I am today.

Currently we are planning our next dates and everything is going really well. I think I am even falling in love. At our last date we made out on the sofa and things did get sexual (no intercourse though). I'd rather have told him before getting sexual, but this is now too late - after kissing it was a little hard to stop and making out just happened...

I am thinking of telling him sooner rather than later, but my question is how do I tell this and when is a good time for it? Should I wait before we are going steady and first get to know each other better and refraining from anything sexual in the  meantime? Or should I just tell him the next time we see each other? I'd also rather tell him in public, in case he gets angry. I have no idea how we would react but I am sure he is not going to expect this, so I might really dissappoint him. And that scares me a lot because maybe he no longer wants to see me afterwards... but.... I really like him!

Maybe some of you have been in the same situation? What would be a good way to disclose this?

I want to welcome you to the site. I also want to thank you for sharing such a thought provoking question. I would tend to be on the full honesty side. Perhaps that's just my age showing.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to read the first several stickies:


Things that you should read


[/quote]

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna
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Offline noleen111

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2016, 10:13:53 am »
Not to derail the thread but, this does beg the question that if it's a one night stand, should I tell the guy?  I'm pretty inclined to say no but I'd have to really know it's the one time thing like I'm single and on travel or something like that. 

I suppose I always figured I should tell a guy before the wild thing but....  maybe not.  I suppose the circumstances drive everything.

If its a one night stand.. I would not tell, he does not need to know.
Enjoying ride the hormones are giving me... finally becoming the woman I always knew I was

Offline Rhonda Lynn

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2016, 12:20:24 am »
If the relationship becomes serious,  you will want to tell him. There is a bit of a danger in putting it off too long. It is possible that someone could out you. Also, the longer you put it off, the more he might feel like you were dishonest with him for not telling him sooner.

Look at it like this. Suppose he had an important secret. For example, suppose he had a child or was actually divorced and didn't tell you about it. When would you expect him to tell you about it?

No, a person doesn't need to reveal everything on the first or second date. However, at some point things get serious and people expect honesty. I probably waited too long to tell my husband, when we were dating, but thankfully, he was pretty understanding about it.

If he is right for you, he will accept it. If he doesn't accept it, he isn't right for you.

Good luck,
Rhonda

Offline pretty pauline

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2016, 02:23:16 pm »
No, a person doesn't need to reveal everything on the first or second date. However, at some point things get serious and people expect honesty. I probably waited too long to tell my husband, when we were dating, but thankfully, he was pretty understanding about it.

If he is right for you, he will accept it. If he doesn't accept it, he isn't right for you.

Agree 100%, everybody has different experience, I definitely wouldn't disclose on the first few dates, see how the relationship develops, you'll know when the time is right, as Rhonda says ''If he is right for you, he will accept it. If he doesn't accept it, he isn't right for you''
I also waited too long to tell my husband, easy said than done, we instantly clicked, madly in love, I just kept putting it off telling him, things were going so well, why bother, no need, then when he proposed marriage and we get engaged, I finally told him, he was a bit shocked and surprised, he was more angry with himself that he hadn't clocked me, but was grateful for my honesty, we worked it out and eventually got married, he was very understanding and supportive, a wonderful man with a sense of hunour and can be funny about life, I remember on 1 occasion after we got married, he found my credit bank statement, when he saw what I was spending on shoes, clothes, cosmetics, nails and coiffed hairdos, he rolled his eyes and miischievous said  ''well your definitely a woman'' just glad he knows my history, it was a release of a lot of pressure, his family doesn't know, they don't have to, that's another issue, he just doesn't want to go there, that's ok.
If your going thru hell, just keep going.

Offline Mariah

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2016, 02:54:50 pm »
It depends on how comfortable and trusting you are in him in the end. I agree it is good to share it with him, but the timing is always the tricky part. For myself this time around the guy new from the start, but the first time I didn't wait very long because for me I wanted to be able to be fully who I am from early on and be open and honest about everything including my past. It was a huge priority to me. I don't regret having told the first guy even though it clearly was a big reason why we broke up. Hugs and good luck
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Offline Rhonda Lynn

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2016, 03:29:50 pm »
[...]
I also waited too long to tell my husband, easy said than done, we instantly clicked, madly in love, I just kept putting it off telling him, things were going so well, why bother, no need,

[...]

 it was a release of a lot of pressure, his family doesn't know, they don't have to, that's another issue, he just doesn't want to go there, that's ok.

I did the same thing on putting it off. It never seemed like the right time. Such as difficult thing to do and I liked being just a woman and didn't want to become a "trans" in his eyes. However, once I told him it was a relief. He was perfectly accepting and said that by that point, he liked me so much it just didn't matter.

And that's what I mean about him being right for you or not. If he is able to see past any label or grouping and simply sees you for the person you are, then you have nothing to fear.

I did have a very serious boyfriend who was not able to get past the fact that I was trans. It bothered him very much and after months of dating he broke up with me and it hurt very much. However, I got over it and realize now that it was his problem, his hangup, not mine. I was better off and on Christmas day of the same year I met someone much better - the man who would become my husband.

My husband's family doesn't know either after 23 years. There is no need for them to know.

Offline pretty pauline

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Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2016, 05:25:13 pm »
I did the same thing on putting it off. It never seemed like the right time. Such as difficult thing to do and I liked being just a woman and didn't want to become a "trans" in his eyes.
It's extremely difficult, most men I dated I never told, my first boyfriend was with me pre op and with when I had my srs, but we broke over other issues, he is now married to another woman and has a family, Another boyfriend I told early in the relationship, but he couldn't handle it, that ended badly, my self confidence badly damaged.
Then I met my present husband in 2008, we instantly fell in love, I was finally enjoying just being a girl and just being woman with my boyfriend, then he dropped the marriage proposal, how do you tell a guy something like that after sleeping with him for months, when is the right time, I couldn't marry him without telling him, his reaction was more shock and surprise, but he only ever knew as a woman, thankfully it worked out.

My husband's family doesn't know either after 23 years. There is no need for them to know.
After 8 years and married 6 years, my husband's family doesn't know either, my husband doesn't want them to know, he knows his family better than me, at this stage he doesn't need that stress in his life, I don't think he could handle the negative reaction, ridicule and mockery married to a woman like me, comments like ''omg his wife used to be a man'' the world is full of ignorant people.
Life is good now, I'm a happily married woman with a husband, another boring housewife, the normality of it all.
If your going thru hell, just keep going.

Virginia Hall

Re: When and how to tell potential boyfriend when dating
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2016, 07:37:23 pm »
I only offer the account below since people seem to feel it is inevitable that past chapters of a life need to be revealed. I offer a brief account of two long-term relationship I had--one where I told of my past without incident and one where I did not without incident.

I had a 12-year relationships where after about four years I "had to" reveal my past after being asked, almost point blank, why I did not come out and admit I was a cancer survivor. (I didn't menstruate, so what else could it be?) I felt cornered and revealed. There was a sigh of relief that I was "clear." But the curiosity was there. What was my past? I wanted to forget it, but now how could I forbid the topic with my main squeeze? Was I going to refuse to unlock the waterproof trunk in the basement where I had my vital documents and some family photos? I relented and revealed its existence, and wasn't I an adorable child and wasn't it was "obvious" from my childhood photos (just look at the eyes!) that I was always a girl. I was not sure I wanted to hear so much assurance, but it seemed to be genuine. Said lovingly, but still . . .

Some years later I was in another long-term relationship. This time I vowed not to tell. I was old enough by then that I was in menopausal years (50-ish), so the issue of cancer survivor did not come up. I vowed not to reveal given the fact I did not want to revisit a childhood 40 years gone. The locked trunk with vital documents and the few family photos remained locked in our attic. People in their 50s are not as anxious to see baby pictures and reminisce about high school and college days. Since I had transitioned in college, that marked a nice break to move forward from. My parents had passed away. I had no extended family. There was no one from my old life to out me. As a practical matter, there had to be some big benefit for me, or for him, for me to reveal this past that I was having trouble remembering. I read on a board about 15 years ago that for every two years you live post-full time, a pre-full time year is remember as full time. What a bunch of hooey! But you know what, it's true. You don't make up memories or have photos doctored in PS, but there is a vibe I got, and it was not linear. It felt kind of like seeing the character Samantha Stewart in the series Foyle's War, where it's "she," but not obviously. Does that make sense? That old life fades. Why in tarnation was I going to exhume that corpse and perform an autopsy? Would that delight me or him? I concluded, no.

All I am saying that for some people, it right, proper, and good to tell a husband or wife or life partner about one's early days and past as a different gender. However, for some of us it is not and the closed-narrative option should not be dismissed without discussion as to its benefits; at least that's what I think.

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