Looking around on the internet i can safely say i do NOT have T-ocd (Trans OCD). i dont obsess about being female at all. I also do not feel compulsed to be a woman either. I just merely know that i am happier, and when i am not doubting myself i can actually live as a woman to be best. However, i can say that i have felt SUPER somulsed to go back as a male at times, not just a super femme-boy or even perhaps in hte middle as androgouyns, but super manly and masculine. It starts with self doubt, followed by my mind slipping in one happy memery or so from the old life (largly pre-dysporia) and then i obsees about how i am not truly transgender and my mind wont stop processing all the insults and put downs those closest to me have said and how i dont know what to feel about this. Then my mind will start to do body checking for anything ''male' like my junk, or if i have any chest stubble after a shave as all indicator i am still a ''man'' and i can make this work. The thoughts take a toll and then i feel super stressed out. Sometimes crying, screaming, and even vomitting, Or other times i am just feel defeated and depressed and hollowed out and hopeless. So i in the past, (between April to December) would jump every single gender line, from the wanitng to be a full time woman, to being ok enough as androgonoys (even though i felt super good when i was at the most feminine point) and feeling i MUST be a man again and be all super masculine and stop HRT.
That was the killer. I have always hated what testosterone did to me and knew when i first got it how much i needed it. Still, i am back on it and have been for a while. But the compulsion to be the ''guy'' again litterly depressed me and made me super ill, drink, self harm, ect. But i dont know what came over me i could do anything else about it. I managed to stop the back and for i guess in December or maybe early January? that is stop the compulsiion to dress, present and act like a man. The doubts were still there but over time they lessened. And for the firs time, perhaps ever i have had feelings were i could feel totally like a woman!! like 100%, without the extremem excitment and adreniline rush i used to get. I know it sounds strange not to want to be excited as a you real gender, but i really also just like the feeling of just being. Acknowloging that i am a woman, seeing a more feminized me, just looking out the window at the beautiful Canadian snow with a cup of coffee. It is delightful <3 That was until this week, when a loved tried to say, and sorry for beating the dead horse but the whoe ''running from man due to truama from men'' and ''its all OCD and Autism''. I relasped that very day but got so sick of male-ing i went back to female that night, wednesday female in morning, allowed doubt to come in, relapsed to male, got super drunk as i was super sad, sobered up went back to being female, thursday woke up cranky as a male got super ansy to leave the house, came back, had a beer, decided i cant do this whole damn day as a dude went back to woman and started to feel a bit better. I didnt replase/feel compulsed to be male yestarday or today. But i have been really hurt on tuesday seeing as those very words are what had triggered a lot of my doubt that led to my destruction last April.
To be honest i am super embaressed typeing this and sharing this as i feel it invalidates me still and something i hate dealing with. Even if my OCD (which larlgey is over-hyped doubts) isnt what is making me transition but rather the reverse. having the ability to make me jump the whole spectrum to were i really dont wana be at all i still dont like it. I dont wana deal with ''him'', and would atleast love to have my mind fixate on something else that i find horrifying. I just dont want ''him'' in the brain.