Author Topic: Someones gonna slap me  (Read 2151 times)

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Offline Asche

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2017, 12:58:48 pm »
However, in 2002 A LOT of bad things didi happen. Thing that i still carry truama from. I remember being beaten for being  a sissy and there were some males in my life that wanted to ''man me up'' And i do recall i became very depressed, lethargic and gain weight. I was 8 in 2002 and had began having depression and anxiety.. i remember that not too long after all these events had happened i would try to be more manly and masculine. By  some point in 2003 i was trying to be as manly as possible and rejected any womaness or femininity. I regret rejecting it

I was wondering if there was some trauma in your history.  My guess is that, like most of us, you minimize the effects of that trauma and see it as a personal failing that you can't simply leave it behind.

I think you should try not to be so hard on yourself about having all these negative thoughts.  I know, that sounds weird, but when you're able to think straight, try to remind yourself that these thoughts are how you coped with the informal "conversion therapy" you suffered.  It doesn't mean that Ashley will die; I mean, your transphobic relatives (?) didn't succeed, did they.

But this is definitely something that a therapist (ideally, one trained in the latest trauma treatment techniques) should be able to help you with.
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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #21 on: February 17, 2017, 01:22:32 pm »
I was wondering if there was some trauma in your history.  My guess is that, like most of us, you minimize the effects of that trauma and see it as a personal failing that you can't simply leave it behind.

I think you should try not to be so hard on yourself about having all these negative thoughts.  I know, that sounds weird, but when you're able to think straight, try to remind yourself that these thoughts are how you coped with the informal "conversion therapy" you suffered.  It doesn't mean that Ashley will die; I mean, your transphobic relatives (?) didn't succeed, did they.

But this is definitely something that a therapist (ideally, one trained in the latest trauma treatment techniques) should be able to help you with.

Yes, i do have truama from the past. I recall a lot of things that happened, but apprently my peers who witnesses other abuses, some really bad tell me events that had happened and i actually dont recall. Like it sounds familiar but at the same time i guess i blacked it out. All i recall is i felt weak and powerless, so i remember too at a early age i  tried to be more like my dad. He is a huge aplha and he is the one person i have never seen take crap from anyone. I idolized him and want to be like him because he was strong, whereas i was just weak.
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Offline Asche

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #22 on: February 17, 2017, 03:54:22 pm »
Yes, i do have truama from the past. I recall a lot of things that happened, but apprently my peers who witnesses other abuses, some really bad tell me events that had happened and i actually dont recall. Like it sounds familiar but at the same time i guess i blacked it out.

Yep, this is pretty common.  I remember very little of my childhood, and almost nothing from before I was 10.

All i recall is i felt weak and powerless, so i remember too at a early age i  tried to be more like my dad. He is a huge aplha and he is the one person i have never seen take crap from anyone. I idolized him and want to be like him because he was strong, whereas i was just weak.

You were, what, 8 at the time?  Being weak and powerless is part of being a small child, which you were.

However, feeling that that is a problem means you felt unsafe, which is in it self traumatic.  Feeling like you are in danger and being unable to do anything about it is what makes trauma traumatic.  My father never physically attacked any of us, but his anger was scary enough that I was terrified of ever making him mad.  I think this is at least part of why I still don't feel safe around men, 50 years later, even though I'm now even at 63 bigger and stronger than he was.

Anyway, I'll make my usual book recommendation: The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, is probably the best (and most readable) description of what trauma is about and what is known about how to treat it.  BTW, there are like 5 chapters on childhood trauma and child abuse.
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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2017, 04:21:11 pm »
Yeah. Maybe i shall look into that book. But as said there was a back fire in my body mind and emotions. Prior to 2002 i do recall having some behavior issues but i was a hyper kid that had the gift to gab. Oddly enough alot of my females friends parents found. me adorable. Then in 2002 things took a turn for the worse. I was fondled by a cousin 10 years or so my senior. I was also physically abused by a family member who i will not say who. But i was terrifed of them and often left theit place with bruises and in addition would apprently hyperventalate if i did something wrong and someone threatened to inform them. Like hyperventalte and cry and scream and freak out to the point i would black out. After that like i said i became the pestiistic sad anxious and bitter person you seee today. I also tried to be super manly after this events. Sorry for tge sob story buy i do wish i could take back the last 15 years.
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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2017, 08:36:43 am »
I also gotta say. Since tuesday when i had  a meltdown i havent been feeling so good. That was the day a family memeber decieded to tell me that i am not gender dysporic and this is all OCD related and i am basically trying to run away from manhood becuase i was abused by men. It filled my mind with doubt and killed the female in me. The thing is, i tried to be a man again breifly on wednesday and thursday, but i felt so miserbale that within a couple hours i was back to woman mode. But, while a woman i can not feel anything. I feel kinda like ''who am i kidding'', and that this is just indeed part of  a mental illness and i am not like the rest of you people here. I cant enjoy being a woman either, as when i do my mind switches to doubt. the doubts are intrusive thoughts that i dont like but they never leave. I fear i am just a stupid dude and it does kill me. On the other hand i can call it quits and try to be  a man as i have very little money for booze if it fails so i gotta still present as a woman to keep my sanity, I dont want to go back at all, but it seems like i wil never be her, the doubts and insecurites are too strong to enjoy being myself at times.
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Offline Asche

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2017, 08:41:21 am »
First of all, don't worry about sharing your "sob stories."  If you look at my posting history, most of my posts are sob stories and poor me stories.  That's what support sites and groups are about.

Second of all, you did have it tough.  I'm pretty sure your family was aware that you were being abused, but they did nothing.  That is a huge betrayal.  And when you're young, you can't help internalizing the attitudes that people around you have towards you.  I suspect that the 'him' that you hate is your subconscious trying to protect you, by keeping you from doing stuff that would have gotten you abused even more, and probably still would.  (Reading between the lines, it sounds like you're still getting abused by your family, even if you don't recognize it as such.)

I feel for you.  You're in my thoughts.  I wish there were more I could do.  Maybe some "Jedi hugs"?  (Cf.: Captain Awkward.)  Home-baked chocolate chip cookies?  (Not sure how hard it is to send food across the border.)
"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #26 on: February 18, 2017, 09:16:26 am »
First of all, don't worry about sharing your "sob stories."  If you look at my posting history, most of my posts are sob stories and poor me stories.  That's what support sites and groups are about.

Second of all, you did have it tough.  I'm pretty sure your family was aware that you were being abused, but they did nothing.  That is a huge betrayal.  And when you're young, you can't help internalizing the attitudes that people around you have towards you.  I suspect that the 'him' that you hate is your subconscious trying to protect you, by keeping you from doing stuff that would have gotten you abused even more, and probably still would.  (Reading between the lines, it sounds like you're still getting abused by your family, even if you don't recognize it as such.)

I feel for you.  You're in my thoughts.  I wish there were more I could do.  Maybe some "Jedi hugs"?  (Cf.: Captain Awkward.)  Home-baked chocolate chip cookies?  (Not sure how hard it is to send food across the border.)

Thanks for the ear and the good advice! I guess my question is what steps do i take to confront the past? To be honest the only reason i have been trying to figure myself out is because i wanted the best life living as her as possible. I wanted to make peace with my past, develop my education further, set reasonable goals, ect. This time last year when i was lviing full time and before i blew up with all that doubt andhow i am just some ''man'' i was doing all that.It was hard tho, with money still being tight but i was doing those things, except the education. Almsot got that going but fell short. I was getting things done right. But now the truth is this, i want to figure out if i am a transgendergirl or just so stupid dude. If i find out i am a girl, i plan finally make peace with my past and beable to move on from it, to re-start all my dreams and goal, to branch out and find real meaning in life. If i am just a stupid man i honestly, and i know this may sound childish, but i give up. i could care less about finding the ''root'' of my issues, if it indeed turns out that my pestumistic family is right and i am just a guy with issues. I wouldnt care about putting peace with the past and doing life style changes if all it did is make me turn into manhood. I am not putting an effort into being a man, did it before and i dont want it. I just dont know, i hate working or something only for it to all come out in vein. If it ends with me having  a penis, facial hair and being addressed as ''sir'' i will most certianly not work towards that.
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Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2017, 10:09:22 am »
The suggestion of van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps the Score is a great one. This guy's biggest contribution has been recognizing that while talk therapy has it's place, much of the damage you've taken resides in the body and therefor must be solved in the body.

It's so on point that it's been very hard for me to read, and unlocked a lot of feelings and some understanding of how traumas I experienced in the past are still not fully resolved.

AND THIS IS AFTER A COUPLE OF DECADES OF WORKING ON THIS STUFF AND FEELING I'D PUT MOST OF IT BEHIND ME.

Don't confuse this with being trans. Yes, some of the crap I had to put up with from my family had to do with not conforming to gender roles but most of it can be hung on just coming up in a family that's full of antisocial, borderline and other abusive cluster-B personality disorders.

So presenting as male or female almost certainly isn't on it's own going to fix these things for you, not saying don't do it but for me I've definitely had to work on both.

This isn't easy Ashley and you know we're all pulling for you to get what you need. Meantime the best idea I have for you is to not panic. Remember how many of us have walked similar paths and gotten to better places in the process.

Offline Asche

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2017, 10:15:06 am »
i want to figure out if i am a transgendergirl or just so stupid dude.

Being transgender isn't a merit badge or something you get a certificate for.  It's about figuring what makes you happy.  And you've been consistently saying being Ashley makes you happy (aside from the internalized transphobia, of course) and being a man makes you miserable.  So I think you've earned the right to call yourself "transgender."  What you do about it and how far you want to go is a separate question, and for most of us, it ends up being a compromise between our desires and the other constraints in our lives, such as marriage, children, available jobs, etc.  Also note that these things can change over time, although our experience is that wanting to live as a different gender doesn't go away.

IMHO, you'd do well to worry less to think about this as a journey to some particular end point and more as a process of becoming more yourself, the self that feels right for you.  Worry less about passing or "becoming a girl" and more about what doable changes will make you feel better, even if "better" still isn't great.

... a family memeber decieded to tell me that i am not gender dysporic and this is all OCD related and i am basically trying to run away from manhood becuase i was abused by men.

And of course your family members are experts on gender issues.  And have consistently shown that they have your best interests at heart.</sarcasm>

Frankly, what difference does it make what caused it?  I'm kind of in the same boat -- I sometimes wonder if the fact that my parents wanted a girl and treated me like a failed attempt at getting one and/or the brutality with which masculinity was (unsuccessfully) beaten into me is why I'm trans.  But I realize it doesn't matter.  I'm 63.  I am what my past has made me.  Even if I get past those traumas, I don't think what makes me comfortable will change.  I can't imagine that I'll suddenly want to dominate people or dress like a slob or get into farting contests.  Or stop liking dresses.


As for the doubts: I've got some concrete suggestions, which may or may not be possible or work even if they are.

1.  Get out of range of your family to the extent you can.  From everything you've said, they are really toxic.  It's hard to get healthy when you've got people pouring poison into you all the time.

2.  Find a therapist with trauma training.  If you can't find one in your area, maybe you can find someone who can give you therapy via Skype.

3.  See if you can find a trans group you can get to in Real Life, even if they're so far you can't go on a regular basis.  Meeting real live trans women will make a huge difference.
"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2017, 11:04:20 am »
Thanks you too. I really hope you are all right and i shall look into what has been mentioned. I just dont want to end up a man is all. I just wana cry and to get that intrusive thought out of head.
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Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #30 on: February 18, 2017, 12:01:00 pm »
Looking around on the internet i can safely say i do NOT have T-ocd (Trans OCD). i dont obsess about being female at all. I also do not feel compulsed to be a woman either. I just merely know that i am happier, and when i am not doubting myself i can actually live as a woman to be best. However, i can say that i have felt SUPER somulsed to go back as a male at times, not just a super femme-boy or even perhaps in hte middle as androgouyns, but super manly and masculine. It starts with self doubt, followed by my mind slipping in one happy memery or so from the old life (largly pre-dysporia) and then i obsees about how i am not truly transgender and my mind wont stop processing all the insults and put downs those closest to me have said and how i dont know what to feel about this. Then my mind will start to do body checking for anything ''male' like my junk, or if i have any chest stubble after a shave as all indicator i am still a ''man'' and i can make this work. The thoughts take a toll and then i feel super stressed out. Sometimes crying, screaming, and even vomitting, Or other times i am just feel defeated and depressed and hollowed out and hopeless. So i in the past, (between April to December) would jump every single gender line, from the wanitng to be a full time woman, to being ok enough as androgonoys (even though i felt super good when i was at the most feminine point) and feeling i MUST be a man again and be all super masculine and stop HRT.

That was the killer. I have always hated what testosterone did to me and knew when i first got it how much i needed it. Still, i am back on it and have been for a while. But the compulsion to be the ''guy'' again litterly depressed me and made me super ill, drink, self harm, ect. But i dont know what came over me i could do anything else about it. I managed to stop the back and for i guess in December or maybe early January? that is stop the compulsiion to dress, present and act like a man. The doubts were still there but over time they lessened. And for the firs time, perhaps ever i have had feelings were i could feel totally like a woman!! like 100%, without the extremem excitment and adreniline rush i used to get. I know it sounds strange not to want to be excited as a you real gender, but i really also just like the feeling of just being. Acknowloging that i am a woman, seeing a more feminized me, just looking out the window at the beautiful Canadian snow with a cup of coffee. It is delightful <3  That was until this week, when a loved tried to say, and sorry for beating the dead horse but the whoe ''running from man due to truama from men'' and ''its all OCD and Autism''. I relasped that very day but got so sick of male-ing i went back to female that night, wednesday female in morning, allowed doubt to come in, relapsed to male, got super drunk as i was super sad, sobered up went back to being female, thursday woke up cranky as a male got super ansy to leave the house, came back, had a beer, decided i cant do this whole damn day as a dude went back to woman and started to feel a bit better. I didnt replase/feel compulsed  to be male yestarday or today. But i have been really hurt on tuesday seeing as those very words are what had triggered a lot of my doubt that led to my destruction last April.

To be honest i am super embaressed typeing this and sharing this as i feel it invalidates me still and something i hate dealing with. Even if my OCD (which larlgey is over-hyped doubts) isnt what is making me transition but rather the reverse. having the ability to make me jump the whole spectrum to were i really dont wana be at all i still dont like it. I dont wana deal with ''him'', and would atleast love to have my mind fixate on something else that i find horrifying. I just dont want ''him'' in the brain.
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Offline Dena

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #31 on: February 18, 2017, 01:21:06 pm »
That was the day a family memeber decieded to tell me that i am not gender dysporic and this is all OCD related and i am basically trying to run away from manhood becuase i was abused by men.
How many years has that family member spent in school learning about mental conditions and gender dysphoria. My guess is none so they don't have the knowledge or ability to diagnose you. You have opened yourself to your feelings so you are in a much better position to determine what you feel and why you feel it. You need to believe in yourself and your judgement and do what you know is right for you because you are the one who will live with the results.
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Offline cheryl reeves

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2017, 03:50:16 pm »
Yrs ago I learned to accept both sides for without Cheryl,Terry wouldn't have survived at all. Even though I loved in a man's world I have never felt comfort as a male for I wanted to be Cheryl so badly. I looked into being Cheryl full time. The reason I never went through with this is I would have to murder Terry and couldn't do that,for Terry is as important to who I am as well as Cheryl. It took my wife to help me find friendship with both sides which has made me calmer I give Terry his time and Cheryl her time and they love this balance. I'm one of the weirder transexuals for I don't know who I would actually transform into since both sides have been important to my psych.

Offline JMJW

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #33 on: February 18, 2017, 04:14:32 pm »
Being caught between the agony of transphobia on one side and gender dysphoria on the other.  :-\ It's a very dangerous place to be, feeling like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

Offline SailorMars1994

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Re: Someones gonna slap me
« Reply #34 on: February 18, 2017, 07:04:35 pm »
Thanks for all the great advice. Inregards to Cheryl, the thing is i go from feeling good and content as a woman to having doubt and being made to feel and be male, only for me to lose my mind :'(
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